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User Topic: Should you forgive WS (by: Jada Pinkett Smith)
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Concerned  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 24th (Monday)

She posted this on her facebook. She makes some really good sense here coming from a celeb.

-----------------------------------

Should I stay with a mate after she or he has cheated on me?

(This is not referring to habitual cheaters. That is a different matter.)

This is a very personal choice, and there is no right or wrong answer. If your partner is remorseful and is willing to work it out, I would suggest trying to look at it from this vantage point. My observation has been that when most people cheat, they are trying to solve a problem. They are usually in some kind of emotional trouble or confusion that they believed the cheating would relieve. What's interesting is that most of the time the cheating has nothing to do with YOU. Now the question becomes, are you willing to put all ego aside and reach for some deep compassion to try to figure out what the trouble is, and, as partners, try to solve it? Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you. This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship with thorough honesty, which creates deeper respect with some serious setting of boundaries. This is also when love gets real and true and illuminates what you are made of as a couple and as individuals. Situations like these could be the windows to a deeper commitment OR... to two separate paths on the way to look for new partners. Only the unique nature of your specific relationship can be the telling factor. Is he or she worth it?

J


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My observation has been that when most people cheat, they are trying to solve a problem.

Hmmm...'k.

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

She puts random thoughts. Last I heard (rumor) was that her and Will had an open marriage. I'm not up to date on the Hollywood stuff so what do I know?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I read her statement on-line as well. I was wondering if someone would post it as a topic. I liked what she said and it almost made me wonder--is she speaking from her own personal experience? Sure sounds that way to me.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think that is a very good response -th at perhaps she got help with - but its still right on the money (in my sitch) anyway.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 24th (Monday)

t/j

I'm curious why she would even go "here."

Having watched a few of her 'red table talks', Jada seems willing to discuss all sorts of 'tough' subjects.

She certainly enabled Willow to go off on extended windbaggery at one red table talk. Willow actually made the crew reset so that she could have her say... And it was long and without much depth. But that didn't stop her mom and grandmother from acting like her preteen wanderings were wisdom filled. I just kept wondering how the crew kept from eye rolling themselves to death.

I don't really buy into her 'live as you choose, let freedom guide you' approach. In particular, her and Will's parenting seems right off the commune. But she seems 'all in' on it.

As far as her thoughts on infidelity---

if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you. This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship with thorough honesty, which creates deeper respect with some serious setting of boundaries. This is also when love gets real and true and illuminates what you are made of as a couple and as individuals.

My love was real and true before I was cheated on.
And while much of what she said is true in my experience, I sure as hell wished he/we had found a more constructive way of growing as a couple.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:33 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

This isn't true is it? If it is, I am screwed because that means WH doesn't truly love me.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 24th (Monday)

This isn't true is it? If it is, I am screwed because that means WH doesn't truly love me.

I don't think it's true. At least in every circumstance.

The very opposite of that statement was true for me. I no longer loved my ex and damn near destroyed myself.

Each situation is so very different. Blanket platitudes are so ill fitting.

She is correct about the choice to cheat having absolutely nothing to do with the partner. Nothing.

Never understood how an affair can be considered a "great opportunity". There have been some amazing strong examples on this site and in real life who have taken the bowl of suck and risen to build something lasting and golden but I always add the silent "inspite of" not "because of" the affair.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 24th (Monday)

This makes for a great opportunity to deepen the relationship....

I guess instead of writing 'great opp', perhaps..if not now, when? (that is if R is what you want).

And yeah. As Janet A Spring writes, "the marriage can be better in spite of the A. Not because of it."


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe that is true in our case. I believe that my H truly did love me, but that he had spent a lifetime honing his skills at denying many of his feelings. Witnessing my years of hurt over his betrayal has reopened his ability to feel, at least a little bit.

You can't heal what you don't feel. Right UO?


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Oct 2007
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 24th (Monday)

What she said is what I felt when I chose to try to R . Ws wasn't a serial cheater and as far as I knew it was his first offense. I thought it could be a way for us to "go deep" and work on some stuff, thus get closer. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way. I agree with what she said but oh boy it cuts like a knife if your wrong and ws isn't being honest and willing.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4911 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SAR681
Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think it's well said. And as far as it being a great opportunity - I also agree with her. She's not saying it's the ONLY opportunity and she's not saying it's the most desirable opportunity, but it is an opportunity nonetheless.

I'm not the type of person to say "everything happens for a reason," instead I try to take a lesson/gain something from everything that happens. Obviously our relationship had flaws. So, we we either have an opportunity to rebuild a relationship that is (hopefully) healthier or we have the opportunity to move on.


BW Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 24th (Monday)

,
I sure as hell wished he/we had found a more constructive way of growing as a couple.

Amen!


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I totally agree with what she said and I like how she said it. If I didn't know better, I would think it was one of my random musings in my journal....


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe this is true. I have never seen my H as broken as he was when he told me what happened. Even now he sobs when he talks about his feelings afterward.

Of course I want to smack him for not thinking about that BEFORE it happened. Ugh!! Still so incredibly selfish!


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I believe this is true.

The key part of this statement though is IF the WS TRULY LOVES YOU. If the WS is npd, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. then this statement does not apply because the WS does not truly love you, they only love themselves. The BS is just of use to them.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Know this, if someone has cheated on you who truly loves you, they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

I actually think that I would reword this to say, ...If someone has cheated on you who is basically a good person with integrity and empathy but has temporarily lost their way, they have hurt themselves as much as you.

I believe my WS hurt himself at least as much as me, if not more, with his affair. But this would have been true whether he loved me or not. It truly shook him to his core, and it took years for him to begin working through the ramifications of his actions.

I agree with the idea of "in spite of, not because of," too. But I like the gist of what she is saying - especially the acknowledgment that the affair is now about the BS.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 12:10 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

they have hurt themselves as much as they have hurt you.

This is the part I take issue with. IDK am I just dense or unable to understand because I have never cheat in my M ?

FWIW I am not discounting that a WS suffers for their choices. I just don't understand how they hurt themselves as bad as they have hurt their spouse.

are you willing to put all ego aside and reach for some deep compassion

Ego is not the same as protecting yourself from further hurt. At the end of the day it is the WS issue and they have to solve it. The BS choice is to decide if that is enough ? It seems like there is a whole lot more to it than that.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

The key part of this statement though is IF the WS TRULY LOVES YOU. If the WS is npd, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. then this statement does not apply because the WS does not truly love you, they only love themselves. The BS is just of use to them.

I'm not NPD, a serial cheater, emotionally stunted, etc. I didn't love my ex because he wasn't worth that gift. Not even close. I obviously didn't care or respect myself either. My choices thrashed me.

My ex was certainly not "of use to me".

HUGE either/or generalization that is basically meaningless.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I just don't understand how they hurt themselves as bad as they have hurt their spouse.

numb, I get that viewpoint. I just ask myself if I would trade places with my WW. And the answer is hell no. Not in a million years. And this is the worst emotional pain I've endured in my life.

But the pain, as bad as it is, isn't the result of my conscious, deliberate choices. WW and I are in the same boat - we both have to come to terms with HER choices and behavior, not mine. But at least my pain doesn't come with a heavy dose of shame, or the knowledge that I degraded myself with a lowlife who picks up married women (apparently as a lifestyle choice). I'd hate to be in her shoes right now. As bad as it is to be in my shoes right now, at least I have the knowledge that I've kept my marriage vows.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

@sal

Yeah I understand that. I would not trade with my W either. When I have bad days I can look at her and she can give me an apology. She can show me she hurts. It just doesn't seem as bad as what I have experienced.

I am sure it is rough knowing you hurt someone so bad, but again if we stay do they really have to deal with this long term ? Or do they look at it like . . "whew, I messed up, but hey I came through without any lasting consequences."

Generalizing I guess, but it just feels as if R and forgiveness absolves the A. Getting a new improved M, in spite of the catalyst, seems to balm a lot of that hurt.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 21