User Topic: Whom do you judge more harshly, the WS or the OP?
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 24th (Monday)

When I found out about my wife's affair, I was quick to point out the inherent stupidity in having an affair in the first place, namely that the kind of person who is willing to have an affair with a married woman is not the kind of person you want to be involved with. He's not the sort of person you can trust.

At the time, I was naive about how deep the fog could be, and she was quick to defend his character. Those of you who may have read my original story will know that this guy is a real piece of work who was two-timing my wife while she was two-timing me.

I went on about how he was obviously a scoundrel and under no circumstances did I want our daughter anywhere near this guy. Her response:

"I know that we're supposed to think that people who have affairs are terrible people, but it's not that black and white. You don't think that I'm a terrible person, since you obviously still want to be married to me."

At the time, I was still hoping to reconcile, and I had to admit, she kind of had a point. I was holding something of a double standard, labeling the OM as a low-down dirty-rotten scoundrel, while I was still trying as best I could, to believe the best about my wife, that she was still a good person who had just done a very bad thing.

As it became more and more clear that she had no intention of asking for forgiveness or making things right, my view of her began to shift, and as it stands now, I'm pretty sure that the words "backstabbing bitch," sum up the majority of my thoughts about her these days, but I'm still trying to sort out: whom do I hate more?

Obviously, my WW hurt me most directly, but I see the behavior of the OM as essentially predatory. I still see him as someone who took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman. It is frankly hard to see any redeeming humanity in him.

When my WW confronted him about the fact that he was seeing two women at the same time, he explained that he had simply misunderstood what their expectations were about exclusivity, figuring that the normal rules didn't apply because he was seeing a married woman.

What baffles me about this is not just that my WW didn't see through this bullshit explanation. It's that the fundamental problem with it, even if it was true, is that he didn't give a moment's thought to the fact that doing something like that and not being open about it might actually hurt the people he was involved with. This should have been my WW's moment of clarity, where she realized what it feels like to be cheated on, where she felt the cold bite of karma on her backside. But it wasn't. Somehow this aspect of it didn't occur to her, even though she actually had been hurt! She didn't bother to think about what it said about him that he did what he did without consideration for her feelings. It was as if the emotional blind spot that has kept her from having empathy for me kept her from seeing her AP for what he was. And it still does.

So this brings me back to the original question. Who is worse? Are they both monsters and psychopaths, or is one of them more blameworthy than the other?

I suppose it doesn't really matter all that much in the end, but I think that this is a thought-provoking question and I am interested to hear how other people have sorted through their feelings towards their WS vs. their feelings about the OP.

ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 24th (Monday)

my H had an EA and both parties knew each was married - hold both parties equally responsible for different reasons but both knew they were doing wrong any way you slice it!

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My H. Much more so.

He lied to me He lied to her. He fed her enough line to reel her in and she was dumb enough to fall for it.

He lied to himself. He really thought if he told her he wasn't free, that he was a temporary thing and if something comes up in her life- she should go for it--that he was all honest and upfront. But in the meantime, he was happy to fuck her and give her every impression that he was falling for her. You know without actually saying it. Passive aggressive manipulation at its finest.

She was more than willing to play the game. I don't even know what she wanted beyond - constant attention. I think she liked the drama and the idea that she was important enough to break up a 20 year relationship. But I really can't hate on her anymore. She was just so dumb.... Kinda like I was.

My H chose it every step of the way. He manipulated and planned. He used my private thoughts to convince her we had problems.... Just beyond Yuck.

Him. Definitely.

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 24th (Monday)

That's an easy one for me, H, for sure. OW knew nothing real about him.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 24th (Monday)

The OM was led to believe that I wouldn't have a problem with WW having sex with him. but WW knew without question that was NOT the case.

So I consider hers to be the greater betrayal, by far.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 24th (Monday)


My WH knew what he was doing and chose to abuse me and our children during his A in order to justify his behavior.

The OW confessed (I read it) to having stalked him and waited for an opportunity when he was completely plastered to proposition him initially. She knew he was married with children. She was married.

She also plotted opportunities for him to attack me and was absolutely gleeful listening to the follow up reports. Sick.

They both behaved like low life. They were in cahoots on abusing me and my kids.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My H. HE knew he was married. HE knew the OW was married. And although she was the predator, HE took the bait.

HE is the one that is important to me. The MOW is a non-entity in my life.

Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6550 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I saw one as being a manipulative predator and the other as being a weak loser. Which do you think is more harsh?

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 24th (Monday)

She also plotted opportunities for him to attack me and was absolutely gleeful listening to the follow up reports. Sick.

They both behaved like low life. They were in cahoots on abusing me and my kids.

Wow this sounds a lot like my WH and MOW I think they both got off on abusing me She still is with her latest attempt.

I judge my WH the harshest as he is the one who either pursued it or allowed it to happen. She's a worthless loser whoreface who deserves all the bad karma that has destroyed her life.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Something in your post struck me.

I know that we're supposed to think that people who have affairs are terrible people, but it's not that black and white. You don't think that I'm a terrible person, since you still want to be married to me.

To this I would have responded: I have zero interest in the person you've become. You are a disgrace and a traitor. I am interested in the person you were, and possibly could be again. You're like Anakin Skywalker when he went to the dark side. I don't want Darth Vader. I want my Anakin back.

That is a quote from a discussion I had with FWW during my anger phase. My wife had said something something very similar to your wife's statement.

As to the main question, whose more hated, I'd have to say in the beginning OM but followed up by FWW. An A, as well as being hurtful, cruel and immoral, is a STUPID undertaking as evidenced by what happened to your wife. I was mad at OM for pursuing her, seducing her, lying to keep it going, etc. At the time I was sympathetic to her. It wasn't until I saw her fawning over him, despite my pain and realized she'd been cheating me for YEARS out of my rightful due as her husband that my feelings changed. Fortunately for us they've changed back because I've got my 'Anakin' back. Add to that, that OM life is shit now and I feel pretty good.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 24th (Monday)

The moment my W told me of her A, I focused on myself - my own pain, my own healing, and my own wants, and I urge you to do the same.

Focusing on the shit done by my W or ow took energy away from taking care of myself. It also took energy away from doing some difficult work on myself.

Your best bet for getting the best outcome for you is taking care of yourself and your needs. Ignore the ap. Ignore your WS unless she's helping you.

Be kind to yourself.

I have a tough time seeing all WSes as awful people. My W is a WS in some sense, and I love her. Even though ow affaired down in choosing her (my W) to be her ap.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Well, I blame both of them for my heartache but WH more so as it was him that left our M .. but not even leaving the M.. the horrible nasty things he said to me..

"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4784 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I blame my H so much more!

He's the one who researched her. He's the one who found her number. He's the one who called her, out of the blue after 40 f'n years. From the records I found he's the one who initiated most of the calls. He's the one who lived the lies with me, every single day.

She's just a dumb, fat-assed twit. Who thinks WAAAAAAY too highly of herself

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I blame my XH more for my pain.

The OW(s) made no vows to me. They never committed to protect, love and cherish me.

The OWs was not personally invested in my happiness or well-being.

My XH on the other hand...was supposed to be all of those things and more. The person who'd I'd entrusted with my whole heart mercilessly threw it on the ground, stomped on it, and betrayed all that I knew to be true, honest, and real.

Yeah...I judge him more FAR.

The OWs...sad pathetic pieces of trash with no worth - to me or to themselves, obviously.

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 24th (Monday)

To begin with, FWH. Before I had found this site, I actually suggested FWH apologize to OW for using her and dumping her.

Then, after years of harassment from OW, and her being in a string of affairs since, including having another OC by a different man, (and FWH being nothing but a remorseful, ideal FWS), I judge her.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2311 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My ws. As much as I despise the divorced mom of 2 he chose to have an A with. I warned him about ow. I read her like a book the first time I saw her, the first time I saw subtle flirting between the 2. I said she was dangerous territory and was on a mission . I told him to please not humiliate me like his best friend did to his wife, with ow's best friend. We talked about how his best friend had a wonderful wife and kids that could be destroyed by his A with ow's friend. I told him how awful that everyone in our circle knew what his friend was doing except his wife. He agreed with what I was saying and assured me, he would never do that to us.
So I blame him. He knew, he was warned, he did it any way. Ow didn't trick him, he had his eyes wide open. Yea she's a slutty POS but he is the one who's married. Not to excuse her since she's not, but he's100% at fault.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Judge more harshly? I would have to say OW, more!!

Only because, from the moment she became my "friend" they were already have an EA, which then progressed to PA - after we had become better "friends"! She ate at my table, she saw us interact as a loving couple, saw us fight, saw us as parents to our kids. And most importantly, KNEW how much I loved my husband.

None of that matter to her. She intentionally came into my home knowing that they probably just had sex at work. I think that takes a special kind of SKANK to be able to do that - for 3 years at least!

Of course, he ALLOWED her Skankiness to enter my home. But I still judge her more..


"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My WW.

The OM's are irrelevant. They could have been anybody. They didn't know me. I could care less about them. She could have found a total stranger to screw her.

WW knew I was the father of her 2 sons. That while she was out having sex on a business trip, I was putting them to bed. Taking them to the doctor. She had made vows and professed to love me. All a lie.

The OM's? Who fracken cares.

For her, watching our two sons grow will be pain. She and I will try to raise them as men of honor, substance and strength. And she will feel like a hypocrit.

BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."

Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 24th (Monday)

My ex. OW didn't know about me or the pending nuptials. He did and he chose not to tell her.

I blame him more as he made the choice to break up our family. He really didn't think about what he was doing, just saw someone he wanted to fill his void and didn't care about the massive destruction afterward.

Unfortunately he is the one who will end up hurting the most. He broke up his family, sees his son once a month after living with him daily, is paying child support, living way beyond his means, has over 150K in debt and even if he is still with OW, she is 10 years younger than him and in medical school. She is leaving the area once she starts her residency and he will be alone again unless he finds another medical student or law student. (He is only attracted to women who he can brag about.)

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 8:20 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 24th (Monday)


She knew he was married and had kids but decided at some point she wanted him to herself and would stop at nothing. ( yes, in a months time).

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 24th (Monday)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8838 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 24th (Monday)

The short answer: the WS

The long answer:

The way I see it, the OM (plural) didnít owe me a damn thing and I sure as hell donít owe them a damn thing either. Not sure I can say they owed it society to be a decent human being either but when they sacrifice that they shouldnít expect decency in return.

My wife on the other hand owed me fidelity and honesty, both of which were too great a sacrifice for her in place of partying and sexual pleasures. Unfortunately since d-day I really donít feel like I owe her either but I do owe it to myself to be honest and faithful. Unfortunately as well, I do not even want to give it to her as a gift which really says a lot about where my heart is in R (or where it is not in R).

I may not be all the way through this journey, but I feel pretty safe in saying that it is for your own good to detach as much as possible from the OP. As much as we might hate them, its just not healthy to spend any time exacting or wishing revenge. As far as I am concerned, they can win the lottery or they can drop dead and I really donít care because I absolutely refuse to let them be part of my life. They were certainly part of my wifeís life, but not mine.

[This message edited by joeboo at 9:15 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I like this question.

I blame my xWW 100%.

Her boss was her AP. He abused his power in many ways and used a host of manipulative tactics to win her admiration and finally her affection. The result was not a ONS, but lo and behold, love. It was a beautiful love, you know, the kind that makes a mother abandon her husband, two year old son and five year old daughter. Amen.

Although her AP is not on my Christmas list, and I see him as a broken person, I don't blame him. A lot,of guys will go a long way to try and get laid. There's no news there.

I blame my XWW 100%. She had everything that is important in life and consciously chose to betray and hurt and leave it for an imaginary something, which is slowly exposing itself for what it truly is, which is nothing.

Away from your question a bit, but if you will indulge me, every night,, as I put my two young children to bed, I am thankful for what I have. I have my honor, my self respect and my children. She has none of those. True enough, I no longer have my I guess I have yet another thing to be thankful for.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 9:34 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 24th (Monday)

At this point, I really only have one concern. I don't care what my WW does or who she does it with. Okay, I do care, but I'm moving towards not caring.

I only care about one thing. I do not want this man (if you can call him that) around my daughter. Problem is that with joint custody, I don't think I have a say in the matter. This is the thing that keeps me awake at night. I have to hope to God that I'm right about him not having any redeeming qualities and that he won't be interested in anything long-term. Or maybe I should hope that he'll come to his senses and realize that maybe trusting the commitment of a woman who cheated on her husband isn't the best idea.

I can learn to accept almost any outcome at this point, no matter how messed up or painful, but this is one outcome that I cannot accept.

ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I hold my H responsible. He willingly chose to do this. The big difference is I have forgiven him and I love him.
As for her she never apologized, she never went out of her way to show that she was truly remorseful in her actions.
He has continued to work hard on himself and our M. Tonight there was a pretty emotional breakdown, he just burst in tears after hearing that a friend's wife is gravely ill in hospital and it stirred up so many emotions of what he's done to me.
I think us BS that have remorseful WS,we live with them, we see their actions... I don't see MOW, I don't know or care at this point if she is working on herself so she won't repeat the hurt she's inflicted on so many people.

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 12:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Married 24

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)


If the OP didn't know the WS was married, I don't blame them at all.

If the OP knew the WS was married, then both get to wear the "I'm an asshole" hat. Afterall, if no one would volunteer to be married people's side piece, then the married folks would have to find some other way to manifest their dysfunction.

If the OP knew and was dismissed by the WS but kept coming back, harassed the BS...then the OP. Have they no shame? Only a parasite still hangs around trying to suck all the joy from the air where they aren't wanted.

And if the OP knew the BS personally? Def. the OP. There is a special reserved section in hell for people who would do shit like that. Backstabbing sounds way to mild.

Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I blame him for putting everything we built over 30+ years at risk. I blame the MOW for trying to reconnect for months afterwards.

At least he's been remorseful. She's still a pathetic whore.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Well, I guess I'm the lone dissenter.

Of course I do blame FWH, but I blame the whore more. She was 'in the business' and it was her 'job' to take advantage of old fools that she thought had money and would 'take care of' her.

She knew he was married, and I believe that she was of those sociopathic whores that got off on watching for the look in his eyes when he realized he had just sold his soul to the devil.

And, of course, having unprotected sex while carrying an STD, transmitting it to him, and then him to me, was certainly the 'icing on the cake'.

I hope she burns in hell.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

fWW for sure.
She didn't have to have an A, but chose to.
The grass was so much greener with the OP, until she realized that all he wanted was sex. He had no intension of leaving his BW and kids to be with my fWw.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am with the majority here. I blame FWH. We both made vows to each other, he chose to break them. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat and lie, but that is not me and I put my marriage first.

The op is irrlevant, I don't care who she was. He knew what he stood to lose, he chose to do it anyway. She didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to have sex with her.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

My sitch was a long distance OEA where an old hs gf sought out my H after 4 decades under the guise of reconnecting with 'friendship'.

I was able to read most if not all of their communications, and I blame her about 80% and him about 20%. She started almost immediately with flattery and flirtation, and he (briefly, foolishly, thinking it was 'safe fun' because he'd never see her in person), responded in kind.

Then she got blatant and started to inquire about ways to sneak behind the backs of me as well as her H. My H finally realized this was trouble and immediately shut down. Shut off his instant msg function and stopped responding to emails. She continued fishing, harder and more desperately, for several months until I got involved and scared her off.

So I mostly blame her for being the instigator and then not taking the hint when my H stopped responding, she just kept getting more creative trying to think of topics/events to capture his attention again. But I blame him for being careless and thoughtless, not realizing that his inppropriate communications could cause me pain and that she might take it all much more seriously. I really hated it that for a brief time she was able to think she was special when she was nothing more than a brief ego boost for a middle age man.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Now I judge the OW more harshly. If it would have oozed its cooze back under the rock it oozed out from under, I wouldn't feel as much animosity as I do for it. No, OW has to fish/stalk and harass us for 8 years after the affair is over.

They are both equally to blame (fuck that vows bullshit, they are both equally culpable) for the affair. OW did pursue by FWH hard and for years, but he was a weak asshole who finally gave in when he was at a very low point and feeling angry with me.

However, my FWH is a very remorseful changed person. OW is still the fucking slunty cumdumpster it was and apparently will always be. OW is still going outside its relationship with its live in boyfriend to try and contact my FWH using another man to make the call. So, yeah, I judge OW more harshly.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

In the beginning of the A, WH was 100% responsible because he lied to OW, telling her we were not together anymore

But once I filled her in on EVERYTHING, she is just as responsible for continueing to believe his lies

I judge them both in their roles in their affair. And I hope they both get what they deserve. All of our family and friends know that he cheated on me, and want nothing to do with the OW, our kids want nothing to do with OW. DD called OW and sent her a msg on FB, called her a homewrecker, and a whore (and used some more very colourful language to go along with it) told OW that she hates her, called her dad an asshole when she told him off a few weeks ago.

WH has known the entire time and OW obviously is too stupid to see the writing on the wall, using WH for whatever she can get from him

They both deserve whatever they get

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

both , he gets it all because i dont know who she is just a name and town.

she knew he was married with kids and she went after him like no tomorrow .

him he knew i loved him and was waiting on him to come home and he instead decided on being a selfish asshole that took the offer



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I blame all 5 of them - my H and the 4OW.

All 4 OW knew about me/kids. One was considered a family friend (OW#2). One was a BW whose WH left her and 3 kids for his OW (OW#4). The other 2 are inconsequential to me now. ALL of them, in my opinion, have no self-respect or class and cannot hold a candle to me.

My H now readily admits he was an idiot. He convinced himself that he was in a shitty marriage and therefore he had the right to play. He told everyone, not just OW1-4, so many lies about me and our marriage. Apparently I was the evil bitch of the south. In reality, I was an adult and he was a 40yr old child who needed to grow the fuck up.

Having said that, the OW just broke the girl-code. My H broke every vow and promise he ever made to me as my husband. He was supposed to protect our family - not destroy it. All are guilty - but H gets the majority of the blame.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
New Member
Member # 38901
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

OK 7 mths on since the speech ILYBNILWY...what a shitty line. In the beginning I blamed OW - my STBXH met her at Graduate school (1 yr intensive programme)- told me her background story - 2 D (12 &13) - hubby had 3 affairs on her, now divorced from him, no money, she has issues...he didn't like her, blah,blah,blah..obviously likes her now since he left to be with her!! OPPS that's right he didn't leave me to be with her, he was going to leave me anyway..(on a side note tells whoever will listen I was going anyway. The affair had nothing to do with it). OK if that was what you were going to do then go, but don't slam the door on the way out. How convenient that he had her lined up

Anyway, I was with him for 26 yrs, 2 children DD 10 & DS 7, when children are involved in the beginning you cling to some hope or try to transfer the blame to OW so u can make it work, well that was my reasoning @ the time. I was with him for so long, I wanted my children to have stability, the nuclear family unit, but now that the rose tinted glasses are off I see him for what he is....a coward, a man with no honour, no integrity, no empathy, very selfish, hugh sense of entitlement & a complete moron. She knew he was married, had young children, had this happen to her 3x's but she didn't care about me or my beautiful children. Why should she? She is just as broken as he is. She left her 12 yr old in Australia, brought the other one to my country to be with my XH. Speaks volumes about the type of people they are. As the saying goes "like attracts like". Let them have one another. So who do I judge more harshly?...him. We were in the relationship. I made a commitment to him. As for her, she is a sad, desperate, pathetic woman who really only cares about herself. OK I hold her accountable for some of this but this predominantly rest with the STBXH. As my sister said..let the 2 fools have each other.

On a positive note, my relationship with my children is going from strength to strength, I am getting out in the big world & living life.

I wish everyone good wishes & cyber hugs.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

My wife. She was supposed to love and protect me, and to forsake all others, until death do us part. The OM was just a player, a barfly, doing what he does every weekend night. We've never met. I think he's scum, but I've always known that there are at least a thousand like him on the prowl in this town every night. I take it for granted that many of them would happily screw my wife if she let them. I trusted her, not them. She gets the harshest judgment. He isn't worth my time or energy, because guys like him are a dime a dozen. They're interchangeable like oil filters and as common as dollar bills. Not my wife - she's the only one I have out of nearly 4 billion females on this earth. It's not even a close call.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Him. He made the choices to have the ONS and the EA. Both of these women are irrelevant because if it wasn't them it could have been someone else. Its his choices and his fault. That's not to say if either one of them was standing in front of me, they wouldn't get it from me but its him.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

My husband for sure. He's the one I'm married to. She owes me nothing. All I said to the OW was "Even if nothing happened, which I don't believe, but regardless....what kind of woman goes out at 3am with a married man? Especially when that man is your boss and you know his wife is out of town"

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

My H. Much more so.
He lied to me He lied to her. He fed her enough line to reel her in and she was dumb enough to fall for it.

My WS had both of us hoodwinked. He told her lie after lie, and told me lie after lie.
She had no idea he was still married until one of our mutual friends (who happened to me our first attorney and could no longer represent us after this) pointed out to OW that she knew he and I were working on our M.

OW is single, so she just thought she was dating a guy going through a divorce. Morally, could she have stepped back and waited? Yes.
Could she still have stepped back after she knew he had never actually filed? Yes.
She did at times try to cut him out by blocking him on her phone etc, but she always took him back.
Her morals weren't all that hot, but HE was the LIAR.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I judge my husband.

There are always people with no ethics and who don't care about others. If my husband was willing to play their games why should they play moral advocate for his stupid sucker wife?

I judge him, he was the one who lacked respect for his marriage and for me. I can only judge him. And he told people that he was single or divorced. Why should they think otherwise.

DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Initially I tried to lay all the blame at the feet of OW - she chased after him, she flirted with him, she was all over him... yada yada yada.

I now realise that was all part of the denial cycle I was in.

My eyes are now wide open. Yes OW is a bitch, what decent person knowingly pursues a married man with kids? BUT my fWH is the one who made vows to me, he's the one who was meant to have my back, he's the one who promised to love and honour me, it was HIM who betrayed me, not her.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Definitely the WS. I displaced my some of my rage about the A on the OP in the beginning. But my WS made a decision to be completely selfish, dishonest, and exploitative. He made a conscious choice to become an adulterer and happily picked up all the baggage that entailed because he was dishonest with himself. He was unwilling to face his reality and threw away a 29 year M. Fortunately for the M, he is doing what he can to show remorse and build a new and better M. Time will tell. I can focus on the future realistically and I'm grateful for the choices he's currently making.

The OP made the choice to boink a married man and enjoyed the drama and bought his lies. The OP is damaged. The OP doesn't matter and could have been anyone with no boundaries.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I judge my WH#2 more harshly than I do the OW.. She was single and had nothing to lose. She knew he was married, but he knew what she was like because they had dated at one time. He had everything to lose, but choose her over me and his marriage. He lied to her and to me to cover up his A and to keep it going as long as he could. He liked the ego boost and sex and she thought he loved her and was leaving me. His betrayal of me and his marriage vows make it 100% his fault. She is just a pathetic middle aged woman looking in all the wrong places for Mr. Right to share her pathetic low life with. Like the other poster, I felt sorry for her and what he did to her at first, but now I wished she had his alcoholic ass. That would be have been the ultimate just deserves as far as I am concerned. They actually deserve each other and I have told him that. Of course he only wants me now that he knows he has lost my heart.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 44