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Reconciliation
User Topic: 6 Year Update
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Today marks 6 years since D-day.

Our marriage continues to thrive, and the affair has become nothing more than a painful chapter in an otherwise good marriage. NC has been maintained, we have addressed the pre-A marital issues, we have reconnected, and our goals for the future are aligned.

R taught me, not only a great deal about relationships and marriage, but a lot about myself as well. In that respect, the affair has not been all bad. I have learned to accept that nothing stays the same, and that bad things can happen that are out of my control.

I have also learned that my view of the world may not reflect reality. Just because I feel something is "right", does not mean it is right for everyone. Suffering is the price we pay for being right.

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind. In other words, just being relaxed and enjoying what is around you at the moment; nothing more and nothing less. Learning to accept that the past is just memories, and the future has endless possibilities. To stop worrying about mistakes from the past and no longer dread a future that has not yet arrived.

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care. If it happens, I will deal with it. For now, I'm confident in the wisdom I have gained as a result of R. I make sure my wife's emotional needs are met, and I know she feels comfortable discussing anything with me. Hopefully, there are no more secrets in our relationship. We now build on each other's strengths, and have learned to love (and support) the weaknesses.

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Sorry for the ramble.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:37 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind.

Truth. I have often said that happiness is a sham. I would just add to your statement by saying a calm mind can remove the need for the pursuit of happiness. It's the acceptance of what is not what should be. Either way, calm is good.

I am glad you are doing well.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks for sharing your update - I take encouragement from every positive story. Thanks also for sharing your thoughts during the time I've been here.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you for sharing this HMH,

I get through each day in the hope that one day I will also feel the calm, appreciate the present, let the past stay in the past and continue to learn about the intricacies of relationships.

I have already discovered that my perception is not always right or true, but have also learned that this is OK.

There is a point I think at which we are able to more and more come out of ourselves and the pain that we are nursing, to see and feel the pain of those that have hurt us. At that point, I at least, have been able to rebuild the love and help the healing for both of us.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Agreed! 4+ years later and I am just now arriving in the not angry place--and really just about enjoying the moment because you truly never know when it will be your last moment.

Congrats on 6 years!


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
mividaloca0505
New Member
Member # 21893
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

congratulations on 6 years. i wish i could be where you are. i am 5 years out and I'm still angry.


BS (Me) 44
FWH 48
Married 22 years
4 Kids----22,18,17,12
DDay 09/11/08
Rest of story 01/18/09
6 month EA/PA

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Illinois
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Don't apologize for the "ramble!!" What you shared has given me HOPE! thankyou!


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Congrats on your progress and thank you for sharing!


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks I needed that today.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you. This gives hope to my W and I. THANK YOU for coming back and posting something like this. Most leave and don't want to look back at this website ( I don't blame them) but to return and tell us a success story is to help others that are hurting are not as far along as you.

Thank you!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Spectacular - thank you


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Harden, that was an awesome post. At 4 months, stories like yours give me hope. I was curious about something you wrote, though:

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care.

By that do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Content  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you and God Bless.

Inspiring


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?

The latter. Her affair no longer defines who I am or how I choose to live my life.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'd love to be where you are at three years from now. Thanks for the update.

Posts: 6722 | Registered: Dec 2010
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
sadallthetime
Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

HMH - thank you so much for this post. I am almost 4 years out and feel that I am getting to be where you are now. The calm mind & not worrying are most important . It's a long and winding road for sure.


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks Harden, I'm happy for you! You're where I hope to be at 6 years.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you for sharing, Harden. I'm at four months out from d-day and wondering if I'll ever feel good in our marriage again. Thoughts of D keep entering my head, but I would so much prefer to stay together.

Stories like yours give me hope and strength to keep trying in R.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much. Those type of posts give everyone hope.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am also 6 years out this month, and even in a situation where an OC was conceived, I feel very much the same way.

Good for you and your spouse, Harden.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thank you for the positive post. It is encouraging. You are right about anger. You do have to let go of the anger.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

This is very timely. In MC our counselor gently hinted that it's time to start focusing on the present.

We have worked hard to sort through this. My H continues to make strides in changing that part of him that led to his cheating.

While I'm not quite ready to let it fully go, I know that eventually it will need to happen.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I love the focus on YOU in this post. Especially this part because it is my philosophy as well. It is a philosophy I am not living all day, every day, but for many moments at a time:

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind. In other words, just being relaxed and enjoying what is around you at the moment; nothing more and nothing less. Learning to accept that the past is just memories, and the future has endless possibilities. To stop worrying about mistakes from the past and no longer dread a future that has not yet arrived.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
petite71
Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for posting,I really needed to read a positive story. I am a year & 3 months from D-day. I am still suck on the anger stage. So happy for you.


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Oh my gosh has it been that long? Seems impossible... I remember when you first came here and how you struggled to understand what your WW was going through. I'm so happy that you're in a good place. May a day never pass without your wife saying a prayer of thanks that you gave her a chance to reconcile.

Blessings on you both.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23478 | Registered: May 2004
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Thank you everyone for the kind comments and well wishes.

I remember when you first came here and how you struggled to understand what your WW was going through.

Fallen...It's kind of strange...at times, it feels like it was such a short time ago, and at other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I'm happy you and your H are doing well.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
sadandtrying
Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Congratulations to you and Mrs. HMH...nice of you to share and inspire....I often look for posts from us "older" folks who have come a long way since dday....

Your words about a "calm mind" and The "Desiderata" are words to live by....


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 28th (Friday)


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
myone and only
Member
Member # 26450
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Thank you> I also needed the positive post today.


me BS 51
her WS 45
status: R
"Just You And I"
dday 11-28-09

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2009
jsmith032077
New Member
Member # 39726
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Your post has given me great hope. I have been going through this on my own for 2 years and I'm feeling like it will never get better. This is my first post here. I still have my wife, but she's never been hurt like this so she can't relate. I found this site just a few days ago and this took me out of my hateful mind for the first time in a long time. I hope that I can get to where you are soon.

Thank you so much for posting your update


ME: 36
WW: 32

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 32