SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Lost
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I just found out yesterday when the woman's husband called me. I confronted my husband and he admitted it. It was with a coworker and has been going on for a few months now. He has "warned" me for several years now that this would happen due to our lack of sex life.

We've been married 11 years and have two children, 6 and 3. I honestly don't know what to do. Do I stay and try to work this out for the sake of our children? Do I leave and risk regret of wondering if we could have worked it out? I love my husband and am finding it hard to just walk away - especially with the kids involved. He is willing to go to counseling, but is leaving everything entirely up to me. He admits he made a choice and is ready to face any consequences I decide. The kids love their Daddy and the thought of him not being around is heartbreaking. My son sometimes will start to cry out of nowhere just because he misses Daddy when he's at work.

Here's the kicker of it all. Our house has been up for sale for several months and we've had big plans of moving into a bigger house, closer to our jobs. We got an offer on our house yesterday, too!! Now, do we purchase a new home together and try to work this out? Or do I crush my kids (and my) dreams of moving into a big house and move into a cramped apartment by ourselves?

Not that any decision like this is easier, but if we weren't selling the house, I could take the time I need to really think this through. I was numb yesterday (denial, I guess), didn't sleep last night, and today I am just so SAD.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Welcome, so sorry you have had to join our club. Know that there are many of us here, and we all have good support, and better advice.

This is a very overwhelming time for sure. Please look to the upper left side of your screen, get in the healing library and read, read, read. Focus on what you want, and need right now. Eat, sleep, keeping hydrated, even these simple things can be difficult.

As far as your H goes, can I say he is being a Jack Ass. He is blaming you for his A because he wasn't getting enough? Yah Right.

Know, and listen to me, repeat this until it sticks. None of this is your fault. YOU did nothing wrong. He made the choice to go outside the marriage. He is broken, and you cannot fix him, he has to acknowledge that and fix it himself.
Keep repeating it. It is hard not to think if only I coulda woulda shoulda....NOTHING would have changed this. He would still do this at some point.

You have a lot going on in your life normally, young kids, selling your home, etc. I would say move forward with the sale of the home, and figure out what to do as this plays out. He may get it right away, and you can move forward and R in a new home together, or he may not and you can get separate apartments until you make a decision. In the time line of life this is just a blip to your kids. Keep loving them, keep being the best mom in the world, and you will find strength from them.

The other 2 things that I tell ALL newcomers is to go see an Attorney. Find out what your rights are, and what you can expect should he leave, should you decide to D. This gives you knowledge, and immensly decreases the anxiety of the what ifs? Secondly, go get yourself tested for STD's. Cheaters lie, and if it is more than a one night stand, you can bet the bank he didn't use protection every time.

Welcome, keep posting.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your response. I just feel so alone right now. I can't tell family/friends - they will hate him and things will never be the same even if we reconcile. I don't even know how to go about finding a counselor. Then juggling appointments with young children. We don't have much support in the area of babysitting.

I noticed under your namestamp that you reconciled. How do you trust again after this? I know thats what the counselor is for, but I just can't imagine things ever being "normal" again. How do you even become intimate again?

All these doubts make me just want to end it and move on with my life, but again, I don't want the regret of wondering if we could have gotten through this?


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Hi Betrayed,

You should take some time to think about what you want to do it is a huge decision either way and a courageous one too.

You are stronger than you think that you are. We are all here for you for support.

Hugs,


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm so very sorry you find yourself needing SI--but am glad you found us.

Regarding the marriage, you do not have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or any time in the foreseeable future. You can stand back, and see how things unfold. (This will, incidentally, require some action from your husband; his passivity is worrisome.)

Right now, you're thinking in HUGE absolutes: "crushing our dreams and moving to a cramped apartment." There are in-betweens.

That said, the new house concerns me. Given the magnitude of the infidelity (and the "punitive" nature---that you were "warned" suggests, to me, that you were set up; "lack of sex life" is two-sided, and some people ....arrange their sex life at home to FIT their adulterous intentions. Your husband's "warning" that he was going to cheat, and his passivity and lack of remorse in the aftermath of discovery, make me wonder if YOU were set up.)

I would NOT purchase a bigger house with someone I'd just learned had betrayed me.

If you want to try to reconcile, that's fine---lots of us do, and many of us succeed. But it's a lengthy proposition, and it can be a few years before you know if it's even possible.

In your shoes, I'd withdraw the house from the market. You don't have to move and, in fact, the market is improving in many areas of the country such that you might do far, far better in two or three years.

If the offer you received is stupendously good, I might accept and sell---but I would NOT buy another house. Not now. Not with man with whom I was not absolutely sure I was emotionally safe.

And no matter what words he tells you (and they sound pretty crappy right now, with his "I warned you" garbage and his reliance on YOU to clean up his mess), you will not know where you stand for quite a while.

If he's committed to reconciliation, he won't have any problem with you taking half the proceeds of the sale of the house and stashing them in an account he can't access. No, you won't access them, either---unless you NEED to.

My point is this: this man is a stranger, and your marriage is over. Whether you will be able to build a new marriage with him remains to be seen. He may become remorseful and completely committed to the marriage, and you may do really well. He may become completely committed to the marriage, and it won't be enough. He may remain an, "I'll do whatever you say, but don't count on ME to do anything to fix this" guy, and never prove himself suitable for reconciliation. And you won't know ANY of this for, quite likely, at LEAST many months, if not years. (I can't count how many of us believed ourselves to be staying with partners committed to reconciliation who were, in fact, still cheating.)

If you can't stay put, then rent a house. No, it won't build equity----except it WILL: it will build equity in your marriage. That's a small price to pay for the opportunity to prove that he's worthy of a lifetime with you.

Meanwhile, you will have have---safely tucked away---half of the proceeds of the sale of your current house. That way, you will know you will be able to set you and your kids up comfortably, if need be. This is NOT a plan for reconciliation to fail. To the contrary, it gives it the best changes. You will be there by choice, not necessity. That is powerful, for BOTH of you.

His passive, "I'll do what you say" doesn't really speak to real remorse, at this stage. That doesn't mean he won't get there---but I'd be very, very reluctant to make any more life-altering changes with him, until the fallout of this his decision to cheat is thoroughly cleaned up.

ETA: Another thing to think about: his affair was with a coworker. Often, the only way for the BS to feel safe in such a scenario is for the WS to leave that job. So, factor that in, when considering purchasing another house. Right now, it may seem tolerable for him to continue with the same employer. But triggers can be fierce, and that can change at any time. I'd want to choose a house I could pay for comfortably on one income, if need be.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm not making excuses or defending in any way, but I am just trying to make the right decision. Rental homes now cost as much or even more than a mortgage. Thats why I mentioned a small apartment. I would love for him to leave his job, but in today's market, thats not possible. Its stable and he's been there for over 5 years. We can't risk job insecurity or else we can't support our kids. BTW- there would be no proceeds from the sale of this house. We would break even. Right now there are four of us in a 1000sq ft rancher with 1 bathroom. No one wants this house and if we don't accept this offer, who knows how long we'll be stuck here. Reconciled or not.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Dear B7, you're not alone. I had a very similar situation with my XH. He also came up with the same excuses for his bad decision-making, almost word-for-word. He is shifting the blame on to you to alleviate his guilt. He is also doing the same thing in leaving the ultimate decision up to you, therefore he can wash his hands of being responsible if it comes to divorce.
I chose to D, and have not regretted it one bit. I don't have to worry about whether I could trust him again, I don't have to worry if he's working late, I don't have to worry if I've done anything to cause trouble...I'm happy, my kids are happy. I had the same concerns as you about the kids missing their dad, and did not make the decision lightly. I'd like to add that the decision was mutual, and discussed in MC. He did not try to cop-out and pin it on me like your H is doing.
My XH co-parents with me and he is a good dad. I'm just glad I'm not married to him anymore. The kids will need extra love and attention, but that is effortless.
I agree with the previous posts, to take your time and not to think in absolutes. You don't need to sell the house today if it's all too much right now.
This is not your fault. Your H needs to grow a backbone and take responsibility for his own actions and stop blaming you. You haven't done anything wrong.
At the time my whole world was turned upside down, but I am so much stronger today...and happy!

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 9:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Suspicious  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Betrayed07

His cheating has nothing to do with you or your lack of sex.

That is projecting and blame shifting. There are more than several ways to address issues in a marriage without having an affair.

He is being a complete cowardly, mean ass.

He admits he made a choice and is ready to face any consequences I decide.

WOW. Really? How noble of him. He chose to cheat and now you get to decide the outcome. NO WAY. Tell him to man up and figure out what he wants and that if he wants this marriage to have a chance he best loose his cavalier attitude NOW.


First, please go to the healing library and read, read and read. You are hurt and scared and understandably so. You need all the help you can get.

You do not have to decide today whether to stay or go. You have a lot of information to wrap your head around.

Just be cautious. Don't let him off the hook. Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries.

No contact with the OW. You must require proof of this. If he wants to truly try and make this work and help you to heal it is NOT negotiable.

I first stayed for my 3 kids. The thought of breaking up my family paralyzed me. But then I realized that I owe my 2 daughters and son a better example of what they should base their future relationships on.

My daughters will not settle for lies and betrayals (I pray) nor will my son treat his wife like an option (I pray). So I got tough, mad, demanding.

I do know a marriage will not work only bc of the kids. There has to be more. The work now is to see if you both can find the more.

Again - time.

We are here for you. We know what you are feeling and struggling with.

Please find an IC for you asap. You will need help navigating these waters.

Big hug and many prayers

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I just wish I could get MAD! Is this normal??? I feel like I'm just in a daze, walking around like a zombie with this overwhelming feeling of sadness. This is absolute torture. I can't eat, sleep, and my kids have been watching TV all day b/c I fee like I cannot even function.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sorry you find yourself here and that your WH is being such a jerk.

You need to see a lawyer and find out what your rights are NOW. Take some money and put it in an account only you can get to. Do not tell him you are doing any of this.

Then decide. There is no rush. And it sounds like he will soon turn into the real ass he is and then things will become much clearer to you.

Take care of you now. He doesn't care about you anymore.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Yes it is normal.

You are in shock. You will suffer from phases of acute and post traumatic stress disorder

Marital infidelity is one of the most traumatic life experiences leaving spouses stunned, dazed and profoundly wounded.

The proverb, no wound worse than the wound of the heart is applicable.

The victim spouse frequently develops a group of symptoms that constitute an acute stress disorder.

These symptoms include anxiety, dissociative and other symptoms that occurs within one month after exposure to extremely traumatic stress including:

• a sense of detachment or unreality
• a sense of being in a daze
• inability to recall aspects of the trauma
• a regular re-experiencing of the trauma
• sadness/despair
• intense anger, rage, hatred, impulses for revenge
• profound fears
• severely damaged self-esteem.

The infidelity profoundly wounds the ability to trust and can lead to the anxiety disorder of a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

However, the wound is so severe that painful memories associated with profound sadness, mistrust, anxiety and intense anger can be recurrent under various types of stresses for many years.

Offending spouses need to understand this and they attempt to rebuild the marital trust.

Has your husband shown one ounce of remorse?

Please contact an IC. You need some help dealing with all this.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Yes. Yes, yes, yes--it's totally normal to feel dazed. This can persist for quite some time.

It's much, much harder to work through the grief constructively if you live with a non-remorseful spouse. I learned this the VERY hard way.

I understand you want a larger home.

IMO, this is an unwise time to move forward with that. Your current house is one you might be able to manage on one income (plus support), if it comes to that.

If you move, you might leave yourself more precariously positioned.

It's simply too early to know how this is going to pan out.

If you're not even yet able to feel your feelings (and again, this is TOTALLY normal), it's too soon to make major life decisions.

Those decisions include not only whether to commit to reconciliation but other things---like the largest purchase most people ever make: a house.

Now is NOT the time to do that. As frustrating as it is, that kind of decision simply cannot be made when there is so much uncertainty.

Millions of hugs to you. I know how very awful this feels. It does get better. No matter the outcome, it really does. You will get through this.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
LisaReg
Member
Member # 22825
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you have to be here but you will find plenty of support. You are not angry yet because this is all so new. You are still in shock. The anger will come. When it does you may be surprised how intense it can be. Do what you need to do to get by the next few days. TV for a few days wont hurt your little ones.


Your wh warned you he would cheat because of lack of sex. What did he do to work on this with you? Did he ask you to go for counseling? Now he is blaming you. Don't buy into this. He made a very calculated choice to cheat. Now he is asking you to decide what to do? You might not be ready to decide anything today. That is OK. Just don't think you did anything to deserve this.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 1:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BW (me)
WH(him)
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key." The Eagles

Posts: 916 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Anywhere USA
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for verifying this is "normal". I have been wondering why I am so numb!

The sex problems have come up many times in the past. I am not a sexual person - in fact, I really wouldn't care if I ever had sex again. Don't know if its age (almost 40), kids, working mom, etc. Knowing this is part of marriage, I would try and things would get a little better, but then I would go back to nothing. I even said I would go to counseling and never pursued it. I saw my doctor who prescribed some things that never worked. I'm certainly not taking the blame here, just responding to the question about counseling before.

He has agreed to counseling and says he doesn't want leave. I told him he can blame me all he wants, but he made a CHOICE. He acknowledges this and if he's willing to try counseling, can it hurt to try? If it doesn't work, then I can make a more informed decision to leave, right?


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Maybe I am being stupid, but I just dream to be one of the success stories that has lived through it and are even stronger than ever.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

He has "warned" me for several years now that this would happen due to our lack of sex life.

Uh ^^^This^^^^ is abuse. That is control. That is making you an object to be used for sex.

it is very likely that he was having affairs for those several years and "warning" you was his way of justifying in his mind what he was doing.

Of course, giving you a warning that if you don't give him enough sex he is going to cheat, isn't going to make you feel all warm and fuzzy and aroused is it? No, it does just the opposite, because that is what it is supposed to do. That kind of statement is said to hurt the recipient. Pure and simple.

He is willing to go to counseling, but is leaving everything entirely up to me.

No. That is not how it works. You are the prize. He needs to do everything to make this happen.

Don't let him reverse roles on you Betrayed07. He is not the victim here. You are.

Go get yourself tested for STDs. Don't sleep with him without protection until he is tested also and you have seen the test results.

(((Betrayed07))) Sell the house. Do not buy another one. You will feel safer if you do not feel "stuck"

Also, make an appointment and go see a lawyer, find out what you can expect in a divorce as far as child support and custody and spousal support goes. You don't have to file for D. Just know what you can expect so you do not have to fear being single.

The partner most willing to walk away from a relationship has the most power.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Of course it can't hurt to try.

But please make sure you both go to IC first.

Are you sure the affair is over? Have you demanded proof of NC?

Read in the library how to go about ending the affair.

It is still new. Take one day a time and know that you are not alone.

We are all here rooting for you. Deep breaths and pray for guidance and comfort.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I would let the sale of the house go through and take half of the proceeds..Don't give WS an inkling that you plan to do this...
Live in temporary lodging with or without him until you have an idea whether or not he is remorseful...If R is to take place, WH should move heaven and earth to make you feel safe and not to blame for any of these events that are unfolding.. If R is to take place, WH needs to lose the idea that he gets to have as much sex in the marriage as his little heart desires or else he is going to cheat! This is the thinking of an immature spoiled brat! Life is complicated and NOBODY gets EVERYTHING they want :/


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

We counter offered on the house and haven't heard back. Actually hoping they don't accept so I don't have to deal with moving on top of all this (to an apartment, rental, wherever). I can't deal with anything right now.

I want to ask another question tho - how do you function around your WS when all of this is so fresh? It is SILENT in our house, except for the kids. We say "hi" and "bye" and thats literally it. I can't talk to him and find it hard to even be in the same room right now. I don't want him to leave for the sake of our kids. I want things to remain as normal as possible for them until things pan out - its not their fault. He called when he was done work yesterday and asked if it was ok for him to come home or if I needed more time. I couldn't even answer him - I just burst into tears. Still trying to get a counselor, but juggling insurance and even getting one to call me back! Is this silence with each other normal, too??


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Betrayed please please please take a deep breath look at your member number. Those are assigned in numerical order. YOU are not alone.
Read the healing library.
Work on you. Make sure you are getting the basics done, eating, sleeping, keeping hydrated. For this type of emotional blow even the basics can be difficult.

How do you ever trust again. That's a big question. You first new to be sure that your spouse I willing I to do what it takes to R. This requires him acknowledging what he has done and understanding the depth o pain he has caused. Many ws's say they do, but early on are really just sorry they were caught and want to do the minimum to get life back to normal. This is not R this only creates more dysfunction. He ha to understand the why I what he did.

I'm willing to bet the sex issue stems from him not making it about intimacy or you. This makes it far less enjoyable and just one more thing to add to your to do list. So I get where you are comin from. I you had some great sex where you are the star you may feel differently. My point is his blamin you is bullshit. And he needs to be called on it. He needs to figure out why he felt the need to go outside the marriage for ego striking and fix that.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

(((Betrayed07)))
It is completely normal for things to be so silent between your WH and you..
I couldn't even be in the same room with my WH..
I lived with the same threats from my WH regarding our sex life..I got to hear my WH say "If I can't get enough sex at home, I can get it elsewhere"
I don't and never have had hang ups or inhibitions regarding sex..I do have my preferences in what I consider comfortable and fun though..
With that being said, early on in our marriage I felt like sex with WH became a chore..Sex seemed to center around him and his needs..I don't think I have ever experienced a good or fantastic sex life with WH, my gut always told me that there had to be more in it(sex, married life in general) for me than just catering to him, but I didn't listen to my heart or gut for many years..
WH was the only person that I ever had relations with, so I refused to believe that I WASN'T a sensual sexual person just because HE told me so.. In other words I think the problem in our sex life wasn't me having no desire for sex itself, the problem was me having no desire for WH and being in denial about it..
Counseling helped me to think about/ accept what my gut had been telling
me...
Going forward, whether you R or D, I hope you don't put labels on yourself, labels such as being too quiet, too loud, too sexual, not sexual enough,permissive, strict, etc, etc..

All it takes is a good life partner with a positive unselfish attitude, even if that partner is just oneself, to make living feel bit happier and more effortless..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:20 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Sad  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks, doggiediva. Quite frankly, I don't even know if he is remorseful. We haven't spoken since the initial confrontation except about the house and that he is willing to go to MC. I don't know what to say without becoming a blubbering mess so I just avoid him. I can't even sort my own feelings yet express them to him. He sends emails and texts throughout the day that just say "hi" - his way of initiating contact I guess, but walking on eggshells. He interacts with the kids normally, but I leave the room when he comes in. He's been trying to hang around us, but I can barely look at him right now so I just leave.

As far as a good life partner, if this ends in divorce, I am done. Every man I have had a long term relationship has cheated on me. Literally. One in high school, two in college, one after college (who I thought I was going to marry until he cheated and then I met my husband shortly after), now this. I don't understand and it just hurts so bad. I can never go through this again. Obviously the pain this time is exponential because of the kids and the 13 years we've shared.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Betrayed

You are in shock and you are hurt.

You are not in the presence of mind to be anything but silent. Your heart and your head are swimming with too much pain and information.

Give yourself some time to process this and wrap your head around this devastating news.

Remorse and regret are two very different things. He regrets getting caught but he is not showing remorse if he hasn't reached out to you to see if you are okay, what you need, if you want to talk, etc.

The indicator of serious commitment to R is expressions of remorse. Expressions of remorse generally begin with an apology in words, followed by continued expressions in actions. This can be cards, gifts, being more helpful around the house, showing more affection, loving words, and more apologies. Saying things like "I don’t know what I was thinking", or "how could I have been so stupid?" or "I can’t believe I almost threw away what we had" are expressions of remorse for the affair.

Look for consistency in words and actions. A general change in overall behavior. A WS serious about reconciliation will consistently be contrite and sorry. Not just on D-day and the following days, but for as long as the BS is receptive to it.

Your husband needs to go to IC to understand how he allowed himself to cheat and how to own his choices and actions. If he is unwilling to do this, MC isn't worth your time or money.

Good luck. Take it day by day and know that you are worth being treated with love, dignity and respect.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

UPDATE...

Got a call from WS that he was called over to HR for a complaint filed against him. I couldn't help but be happy. He was afraid he was being fired, but luckily they are going to move him to another hospital. It was the OW husband who filed.

This finally opened up some communication. He's very angry with himself and very ashamed. His comments about facing consequences of whatever I decide are based on punishment to himself. He finally said he doesn't want to separate but that he made his bed and he's ready to lie in it. He said he still loves me and that I'm a good person who doesn't deserve this. Damn right!

If we could afford it, he'd actually want to quit his job. He wants no contact with people, especially women and assured me this will NEVER happen again. He said all he wants to focus on is me and the kids. Don't think I'm ready to forgive and forget b/c I'm not. This just seems like a baby step forward.

He is afraid things will never be the same and I told him thats why we're going to try MC. He is doubtful but willing to try.

Sorry to be marathon posting, but you all are all I have right now. I'm not telling any family or friends what we are going through.

Am I crazy or do you agree that this is a baby step?


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Betrayed07
New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Forgot to mention that he also emailed OW and told her to never contact him again. She has been out of work for about a month due to an injury, but will return in about two weeks. He should be relocated by then.

Lots of hugs and tears from him last night, but still hard for me obviously. Especially when the mind movies start.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry (((B07))) that you've found yourself in this situation, but I'm so very glad you've found your way here! I think my fairly similar story may just have turned out differently had I had this amazing resource so soon after DDay.

As for the house, wow that's a complicated one. I found out right after we moved into our new, bigger home. We'd sold our much more affordable house and had been in an apartment while ours was finishing up. Man, what I wouldn't give to have discovered the A BEFORE we signed all the final paperwork! Normally I'd say pull the house from the market and focus on you and your marriage, but I get that if you're in a difficult house to sell, an offer may just be too good to pass up. I think in your situation, if a true offer is to be had, grab it. Since you're not going to make a dime from the sale, honestly I'd rent after that. You do not want to be stuck with another house to deal with in the event R doesn't go well or doesn't work if you don't have to. Whether you rent 2 separate small places or a larger one together is another story, and up to you.

Your BS is being a complete blameshifting a**hole. This is NOT your fault! Men who get lots of great sex cheat, men with loving wives cheat, men in happy marriages cheat. It was a choice he made, it's as complicated and as simple as that.

I've read many times on this site, and have come to completely agree... you both need IC and he needs to quit with the excuses and blameshifting before MC is really going to do any good. We went WAY too early after Dday, he was still in excuse mode, rugsweeping, not TRULY remorseful and wanted to spend the entire sessions talking about how all of it was my fault. Unfortunately our counselor was all too accommodating, I think it did more harm than good. There's a time to work on the marriage issues (pre and post affair) but now is not it.

Like every one has already said, YES YES YES it's completely normal to feel numb and dazed, trust me the anger is coming.

Spend lots of timing taking care of yourself, read from The Healing Library, and get into IC with someone that specializes (or at least works with a lot) in affairs.

Hugs Betrayed07!

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 8:02 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

(((Betrayed)))
It seems that he is starting to wake up and realize what he has done. This is good. Unfortunately it seems that he ready to take whatever the punishment is, but I am not hearing any real remorse. "I will do whatever you need me to do so I can stay and keep the life I know" NOT " This has to be the single most awful thing I have ever done, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't believe the path of devestation I have created". There is a huge difference. However he is giving you an opportunity to lay your ground rules for an attempt to R from this. TAKE IT!!!!

Lay the ground rules, NC, access to all electronics, and emails, No unaccounted for time. IC and MC, so he gets to the Why of what he did. STD testing for himself, and you. Answeres any and all questions that you have. Whatever else you need.
While he will readily agree to this be prepared to be vigilint. Verify everything. Snoop, make sure there isn't a second cell phone, a hidden email, etc. Hide a VAR in his vehicle. Pop in and surprise him at work occasionally. Activate GPS on his phone without him knowing.

He may get pissy with all the snooping, and questions, this is a red flag that he doesn't get what he has done, and is just feeling sorry for himself. You have to call BS when you see it. You will really benefit from wearing your Bitch Boots through this. Not being mean or vindicitive, but not tolerating anything less than honestly, love, and respect.

Keep posting, keep questions coming.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 27