User Topic: Dating-the WS Anyone experience this?
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

First let me state that we are separated. I've entered counseling but my WS refuses. I've stated exactly what I would need in order for me to consider living together. Is he he remorseful-yes- repentant-yes, but it has taken a long time for him to get to this point.

WS feels that we should date and rediscover each other in lieu of counseling. I told him dating does not make a marriage, it doesn't address his issues, communication and why he felt it was it was ok to cheat...but I agreed to date.

To be honest it's been fun as I do not have to cook, clean, or do any of the garbage I did before unless I absolutely want to. On the occasions when we are under the same roof or some wifey duty arises, I remind him that we are just dating
I am loving this dating situation but I think he will soon tire of it and want something more "complicated." you know the woman that can handle the finances, duties of the home, family as opposed to the OW who was "simple and not complicated."

I believe he thought it was dipped in gold and after all this dating I would swoon and run to his loving arms
Anyone experience this?

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

XH and I are "dating" post-split... but we officially divorced 3 years ago. So a partly different situation.

I think it's working well for us. I have my own place, my own money, etc. Considering that I spent my entire early adulthood bouncing from relationship to relationship and depending on others both financially and emotionally, doing/being on my own is a healthy thing for me.

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"

Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

MrKOKO and I were separated for a year after DDay. He continued the A with his out of state OW.

Since the TicK lived out of state everything was AWESOME for him when they would see each other. It was always at some cool city at a luxury resort. Of course our homelife would pale in comparison. She fed his ego and they could forget about the real world.

We both continued IC even while he was still in the A. I believe through the IC he finally realized that his A was LaLaLand. Not real. No real world stresses. Just fun and travel.

A year post DDay MrKOKO came to me to start R. I agreed a month or so later to try. We immediately arranged MC appts. We continue those to this day on a weekly basis.

But along the way, we started to date. I would not have him move back into the house until I was sure he was committed and willing to continue the work. He finally moved back home in Feb of this year. We "dated" for7 months before he came back home permanently.

We continue to "date" now. We make time for date nights where we had not often before. It is nice because we never really dated before. Even at the beginning of our relationship it was immediate. He moved into my apt and that was that. Courting was not part of our history. OW got the courting. Now, he is making up for it.

Enjoy the dating!

"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I told him dating does not make a marriage, it doesn't address his issues, communication and why he felt it was it was ok to cheat...but I agreed to date.

Let's look at it this way -if he were a completely new guy that you KNEW was a bad communicator, had issues that spilled into his relationships, and felt it was ok to cheat, would you date HIM?


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16448 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Let's look at it this way -if he were a completely new guy that you KNEW was a bad communicator, had issues that spilled into his relationships, and felt it was ok to cheat, would you date HIM?

No, a cheating liar, non communicating jerk would not be on my radar and I've told him so. I will admit it's hella fun dating tho'.

This has been a long road and I have seen changes. He has suffered anxiety attacks, lost and damaged relationships with his children, damaged his reputation etc. Meanwhile I literally have continued my life and moved on.
This last breakthrough happened Father's day when it finally hit him just how much he had given up.

"Dating" me has helped him to realize exactly what he gave up.
So for now I am enjoying dating and looking forward to seeing him grow.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 4:55 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
I think I can
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Is he dating other people? Or is this open dating?

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8793 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

No, he only dates me. We are seperated, but still married.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

KOKO and I have a similar story. My H left me to pursue his out-of-town fantasy with OW4 also. But he only moved 10 minutes from me! Their Lurve Fest crashed and burned on its own. A month later I told him I was ready to divorce. A month after that we started dating. That was in Novemeber. By January, we stopped his the EOW visits with the kids because he spent every weekend at the house again. He moved home February 21st.

We took the time to get to know each other again. We went to Vegas for our 17th anniversary in March and that trip really solidified the deal.

I did have another dday in April when I discovered the ONS. But now I have the truth. He's doing the work on himself and helping me heal. He gets it. My H is now disgusted by the person he became. But it took a 10 month separation for him to understand what was truly important to him.

When I was asking your same questions, it seemed that most people did not date again after separating. I found KOKO and a few others who could relate. It's not easy. But it can be lots of fun too.

And in my case, the outcome has been fantastic. I have the husband that I deserve - again!

Edit: We also continue to date - every other Saturday is date night for us. The others are Kid/Parent date nights. We alternate the kids so each one gets one-on-one time with us.
Good Luck!

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 8:54 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 8