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New Beginnings
User Topic: First date, again
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

So I got back on the horse and had a first date with a really sweet woman. Emotionally, I like her. But I don't feel physical attraction. Maybe, in time, but I doubt it.

She sent me a follow-up note. Wants to see me again.

So I'm sitting here trying to decide whether to see her again. I'm afraid if I do I'd be leading her on. I feel bad about saying no thanks, partly because my reason feels shallow, but also because there's something vulnerable about her. Suppose that's the KISA in me.

I'll do the right thing.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Do you really have to decide after one date? Maybe it's obvious so OK, but I know that I take a few dates to feel attracted physically. Emotional attraction is a nice thing. It's not like you are leading her on to go on on 2-3 dates. She isn't going to be crushed either way though.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Good question, IL. I'll think on it, and ask you a question in return. Would it bum you out if your SO did not find you physically attractive from the start?

OK, I've thought on it. There's just too little physical attraction to work with.

I've turned down women before (and of course been turned down plenty myself), but this time is harder than most. As I said, she seems vulnerable.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't ask my SO that question and a gentleman wouldn't say.

I think your instincts are picking up on something that doesn't feel right. She shouldn't be dating if she is so obviously vulnerable.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Sorry!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Darn iPad!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Quadruple posting!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Oops again!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:18 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Good for you for getting back on that horse!

It is always uncomfortable when the attraction isn't mutual. I've second guessed myself a few times after I turn someone down after just one date...but I know that my "spidey senses" are picking up something.

The usual, "You have great qualities, but I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck in your search!"


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I think you should go with your gut. I'm never going to ignore my gut again. If I had listened to my gut, I would have broken things off with XWH and hopefully moved on to a happier life, either single or with someone else.

If she's vulnerable, then she might also be super needy. I can tell you from first-hand experience that needy doesn't work (at least it didn't for me).

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 7:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

IL, I've gone through that ridiculous multi-posting on a smart phone, hitting the back button. I feel your pain

Was she obviously vulnerable? I wouldn't say so, but my KISA instincts were going into overdrive, so something wasn't sitting quite right for me. So yes, it wasn't only about physical attraction, now that I've slept on it.

She'll make a good match for the right guy.

I just sent her the message. Have I ever mentioned that dating sucks?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Have I ever mentioned that dating sucks?

Did you have an enjoyable evening? If so, then it doesn't suck.

Find the positives. Not every date is going to lead to marriage. And if you can't enjoy yourself along the way, none of them will.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13791 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Adopting Ama's attitude:
Did you have an enjoyable evening? If so, then it doesn't suck.
has made it so much less sucky for me!

Being turned down, or turning someone down has gotten less problematic than it was when I first started dating again. I think those of us who are sensitive and have been hurt, hate hurting someone else. But in the long run, that hurt doesn't last too long and is better than the long hurt of carrying on something that doesn't sit right.

I think I wasn't "picky enough" in choosing to date and marry XH...damn picky now


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Yes, I had an enjoyable evening, but it was overshadowed by the discomfort of someone being attracted to me where I did not reciprocate. Nothing fun about that.

I've been perpetually surprised at how rare mutual attraction is. I'm maybe too goal oriented.

BUT, it's true that I've learned some things about myself in the process, so I don't regret trying. And I've met some interesting women.

So yup, I'll keep on stepping up to the plate for the time being.

Good news is that I haven't spat out a tooth in two whole months.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

OIAL, if you didn't find her physically appealing, why did you ask her out?


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13803 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

if you didn't find her physically appealing, why did you ask her out?

Her profile pictures were attractive.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Oh? Had she been dishonest about her appearance?


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13803 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

No, she was not dishonest. The photos were only of her face.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

So, are you (not) saying that she was overweight?


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 395 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

**tippy toeing***

I think it's ok to not be attracted to her. It is what it is. It's a combination of not being attracted AND gut feeling vis a vis the vulnerability thing, if I understand OIAL right. It is what it is.

And, I do think she should have full body photos, not just face pics on her profile, IMHO.

AND I say all this as someone 20 lbs overweight. I've lost 20 lbs over the last year but still have 20 to go. So I represent the chubby vote.

Keep fishing, OIAL. It's the only way to make a catch. Good luck!


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Yeah, I'm not comfortable getting into the specifics of why I was not physically attracted. Somehow feels disrespectful, when she was attracted to me.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Yeah, I'm not comfortable getting into the specifics of why I was not physically attracted. Somehow feels disrespectful, when she was attracted to me.

Maybe she was just being nice and acting like she was attracted.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

She messaged me right away after the date, wanting to get together again soon, so yeah, she was attracted.

It's water under the bridge now. She responded gracefully to my saying I didn't feel a match. So much better to rip the bandaid off quick than to take someone on a pity ride.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:54 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

So, are you (not) saying that she was overweight?

I'm curious about this too. No 2x4's - just curious.
I'm not "fit" but not way overweight. If I lose 10 I'm in great shape esp for my height. But I don't have any body shots on my profile.

Eta: I don't think it's disrespectful to be honest if you are expecting honest feedback. It only helps in the end. Just my thought.

[This message edited by persevere at 11:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24