New Beginnings
User Topic: Whoops, Ex Wife's Cousin Dilema
Member # 32086
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Long time no see. When I first seperated and divorce this site was pivotal. Than the drugs, booze and random sex wore out and Im back to a healthy life.

With that out of the way...

So I started seeing this girl. Great woman, has a couple of kids. Hit it off well, I was supposed to go to her family's bbq this weekend.

Hell, I even drove there and as I was getting out I noticed my ex-wifes two kid sisters. I jumped in the car, made an excuse drove off.

My ex-wife carries her step dads name as a maiden name. I keeply forgot her birth fathers name up until that moment. Very common name, what were the chances? Do the proper internet research with all pieces in place and she is the cousin of my ex-wife.

What do I do? Do I tell her now? Wait until we get a little further along so she ain't scared off? Just let the event occur naturally like it almost happened? Never call her again?

How would I tell her--- funny thing, you know your uncle's bastard daughter? She used to have my name!

I feel like there is no winning this one.

-the run-
Minnesota Nice

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

What a tough position to be in!!! I don't really have advise...I hope someone comes up with something!...good luck!

3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 26th (Wednesday) much as you may like this woman....if your feelings aren't too far gone yet...I would cut all ties and run for the hills! Explain to her why you can't be with her and just move on to avoid the drama! I know I wouldn't want to deal with it.. IMO...

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Maybe she hates her cousin; maybe your X is the black sheep of the family. Who knows? Talk to her; see how she feels about it. Go over various scenarios.

I wouldn't cut and run; some of us are very gunshy after our experiences, so you have to gauge how you would feel if you hadn't been betrayed.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

the run,

Personally I do not recommend that you use the fact that your new friend and your ex are cousins as a reason to end things. The fact that your ex chose her step-father's name as her maiden name would indicate to me that they are not close.

I have lived this situation. xWW and 1st W are 1st cousins (their mothers are sisters). xWW's mother was actually the one who suggested we start talking to each other. The family was/is very close but xWW and 1st W never were ans the situation was accepted by everyone in the family except 1st W and her father but not because of the relationship, rather because of other red flags of the person who xWW was. There were many red flags I should have paid attention to that said that I shopuld not have M'ed xWW but none of them were due to the fact that she and 1st W are cousins.

So my recommendation to you is that you and your new friend discuss this openly and honestly. If it feels right then explore the potential. If it feels creepy to either of you then maybe not. But discuss it out. Don't end it unilaterally. It sounds as if you really like this girl. If so then she may be worth the chance.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 32086
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

still not sure how i feel about this dilema. thanks for the input. why my xww was never close to her father she always loved the extended family.

..still lost

-the run-
Minnesota Nice

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I think you need to talk to your new girl and see what she thinks about the situation. It's not fair for her to be in the dark. The fact that neither of you even knew who the other was when you were related by marriage, I'm thinking your ex isn't close to this cousin.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Is this going to cause a strain in the family? You mentioned seeing your ex wife's sisters - are they close?

If you're not icked out enough to walk away, I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your new lady and give her a chance to think on whether it's an issue for her or not. Don't make the mistake of trying to not tell her - it WILL come out.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13797 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I'll be willing to bet that someone in that family put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4. What are the chances that no on in her family recognized your name as being the XH of a cousin?

Talk to her, right now you feel like ending the relationship and with a big bad secret. That secret isn't the end of the world. This can be worked past.... but with communication.

Good luck,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5258 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Even if you decide to end things. Talk to her. Don't just poof. At least let her know where your head is and find out what she is thinking. Maybe this is not a deal breaker once you start talking about it. Or maybe it is. But at least you will keep everything above board.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Definitely let her know the situation. It's not going to seem funny and innocent when she finds out and you have long been privy to the fact.

You can decide together if it's worth seeing where things go, or if it would be too uncomfortable for all involved.

Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Truth is always a good way to go. Talk to her and tell her how you figured it out. Ask her how she feels about it. Talk with her about your concerns. The two of you can decide whether or not you wish to move forward with the relationship.

Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I guess I'm missing the dilemma here in that if you like this lady you state the issue up front. Why wouldn't you?

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

If you didn't know this woman was your eWifes cousin surely that would suggest they aren't close....or else you would have met her at some family function with your ex, seen a photo of her? So if you could be married to exWife and never meet cousin then surely you can date cousin and never meet exWife?

Me; BW
Him; sadly passed away now...
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 14