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User Topic: 24 hours ago
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I'm a 41 year old guy. My wife is 34. We've been married for four years. After raising her for three years or more, last year I legally adopted her 13 year old daughter. They took a trip out to California to visit friends and family for a couple of weeks, and yesterday morning she told me that she had cheated on me. She wants to come home and talk about it, but also says that she has feelings for the guy and doesn't know what she wants. Lots more to the story I'll share maybe, if anybody cares, but right now I just need some input from others who are there or were there.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenfinger
New Member
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Billy,

We are here. The whole group. I have learned, so much, that I am not alone, and neither are you.


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

More details: My wife is a recovering addict and I believe she relapsed on her trip because of being around the wrong old friends, that I believe had a lot to do with the cheating. My daughter (adopted)loves me and considers me her dad, but right now she is mixed up because she loves her mom and also because her mom took her and dropped her off with her biological dad, a really bad guy whom she hasn't seen in over four years, so that twisted her up, too. If I can't save my family, my wife will probably end up dead and my daughter's life ruined. I guess I need help in how to greet them when they get home, and make it through the first day or two. Really rough right now not to cry.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Billy,

You would be hard pressed to find another group that cares more than this one, and they will be your life line through this mess. Understand, you are in emotional shock right now, that also has many terrible physical side effects

Please try to eat well, drink water, and let the tears flow!!! Understand, that like me, this event could be more painful than even the death of the person; I know it was for me.

Also, her not knowing what she wants is straight out of the cheaters handbook; it reeks of you being a possible plan B, and is totally unacceptable regardless of any situation... For Christ's sake, YOU ARE HER HUSBAND, any other thoughts of you not being the only one is not good.

There is plenty of time to get a better grip of the situation, I know the feeling of extreme pain, confusion, hurt, anger, hopelessness you are feeling, but know it will not always be this way. Take care, and know the good folks here want to help you through this terrible time forced upon you.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

BillyinAK, I''m so sorry that you had the reason to come looking for us, but I''m so glad that you found us. This is the best place that you never wanted to be.

First off, yes, get your family home ASAP. You have a daughter who desperately needs you right now. Luckily, you''ve adopted her, so you have legal rights for your daughter. She''s going to need you as the stable parent, especially after all her mother has put her through.

First off, please start reading. I have just bumped three things for you to look at. Look for the postings with bulls-eyes next to them, the titles are Before You Say Reconcile, Boundaries & Consequences, and Great Posts for Newbies to Read. Read the first post or two of each one most of the rest of the pages are people doing what I just did, which is bumping the threads up for someone to read. Also, take a look at the upper left corner where the yellow box is, and click on The Healing Library. Read that. There is a lot of good, tactical advice there for you.

Here''s the thing. 1) Nothing you did, said, or were or were not, caused your WW (wayward wife) to cheat. You don''t have the power to do that. It was all on her. No matter what problems there may or may not have been in the marriage, YOU didn''t cheat, SHE did. Her decision, not mistake, her deliberate decision to cheat is all on her. 2) You do not have to make ANY decision right now. You can take your time to figure out what you want and need. Don''t let anyone rush you through this process. 3) You are going to feel like your emotions are on the wild ride from hell. That''s called the rollercoaster and its normal. You are not going crazy, you just feel like you are. You need to take care of yourself by staying hydrated, eating what you can, and getting what rest you can. Because your body is reacting as if it''s been hit by a bus and it''s going to go crazy for a while. I repeat, that is normal.

That''s more than enough right now. Please start reading. And come back here often for venting, support, and advice. We have all unfortunately been there and done that. And we''re all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks. That's why I'm here. What I'm trying to find is the strength to not push her away, and to get her to have true remorse and want to save our family as much as I do. I wrote down a list for whenever it is the right time for us to have our first face to face conversation about it when she gets here. Any input from you guys on what you think about it would be appreciated.

What I need from you.
1. For you to come back home.
2. For you to feel and express real remorse. Not just “I’m sorry”, or “I’m sorry, but…”. I need for you to not just understand how deeply you hurt me, and that it was wrong, but to really regret it, to wish that it hadn’t happened, and to pledge that it will never happen again.
3. For you to not want it to ever happen again, and to break off all contact with the guy it happened with, permanently.
4. For you to understand that as I go through the healing process, there might be times when I have emotional roller-coasters, and forget to not ‘punish’ you. I need for you to understand that the hurt won’t go away quickly. You need to accept that it’s a long road back, and part of the process. It doesn’t mean that I have given up, or decided to stop loving you. It just means that I am still hurting.
5. Rebuilding trust means that as the person who did wrong, you have to play this by my rules.
6. No more lies or secrets, not even about small things.
7. When you have an unexpected change in schedule or plans, I need a heads-up beforehand. No surprises.
8. I need for you to tell Maddie that what happened was because of the drugs, that it wasn’t the real you, that it was wrong, and that it is one more reason why drugs are horrible.
9. I need for you to agree that if we need to, meaning if we make it to this step and still need help, that we will get professional marriage counseling.
10. I need for you to try as much as I am trying, to rebuild us, for our future and for Maddie’s. I honestly believe that we are meant to be together, and that we can be happy together, if we work through this, but it will require effort from both of us.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

The tactic you're taking doesn't work well on a cheating female, even if those feelings you wrote are true. Cheating females don't respect the puppy-dog eyed looks and use your declarations of love and devotion to mean they can cheat for a lot longer and you'll still be waiting. Gotta play strong - not physically or threatening strength but calm, Clint Eastwood declarations of how this will all play out according to choices she makes.

It's possible she will try to hook you for child support (you legally adopted her daughter), move, and drug away her life with some loser using your money and ruining her daughter's life.

So first see a lawyer. Make sure you get good advice because you'll need strategy even though you want to reconcile. You may not have that choice if she can get money from you while living with a loser.

If you get primary custody, the teen is in a safer environment and you won't have to pay support. Even if daughter loves mom, who has been in her life longer, tell daughter that for now she needs a stable place to grow up and be a child and young teen without feeling pressures like she's got to take care of her unstable mom. That she can see her mom, but can't save her mom no matter how hard she tries since druggies can only save themselves. Give your daughter permission to not try to "save" her mom, because she needs someone to tell her that it's impossible and it's her job as a kid to be in school and be stable best she can be and do better in life than her mom. Also, if wife is back on drugs - random drug testing can be ordered - then she will lose primary custody.

First, tell your wife that if she wants to return to drugs and losers who use her for sex and drugs - and ruin her own daughter's life by being a poor role model and example - that you can't stop her from doing that. If she wants to not lie that life, she can come home and you'll help her. But you WILL stop her from putting your daughter in a home with a bad person, and with druggies, putting daughter at risk of molestation and growing up to think drugs are a way out of life's difficult moments and to use them as a cry for atteniton. That a daughter needs a grown up looking after her and not an overgrown drama queen llike your wife who apparently hasn't emotionally aged beyond 13 or 15 herself.. Tell her it's up to HER what becomes of her life and fate, and her daughter's future. She can go back to a terrible lifestyle, but you won't let her do this to your daughter without legal advice.

It's a strong message to send to wife: Fix your life, raise your daughter, act like an adult. You'll help her with that, but anything less, she can't "play" you or string you along. Let her know it.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:53 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

That was excellent advice. My fear is that since my daughter is 13, she might decide to go with her mom and there wouldn't be much I could do to stop her, but if it came to that I am willing to fight legally for her. I've read the "Before Reconciliation" primer and am reading the others, too. Your last paragraph really hit home. How do I greet them when they get home? How do I make it through the first day?

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Billy read about the 180 in the library.

LIVE IT...

It's for your sanity not hers. You can't "nice" your marriage back together. No way-no how.

Be firm as listed above. You will see it on here if you read a little bit but here it is.. Being divorced isn't the worst thing in the world. Sharing your marital partner is. Let her know that's how you feel.

Sorry about this. It takes years to heal from this.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry Billy.

Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I read the 180. I want to be strong, but also I have to reassure my daughter that I love her and that hasn't and won't change. At the moment I am just trying to verify they are leaving on their way back. My mother-in-law is fully on my side.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry your here.

Stay strong, YOUR daughter needs you.

BTW, when are they due home ?

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 12:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Ghostrider
Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Billy, this is a long difficult journey no matter which destination it turns toward, R or D. You need to control the controllable. Your WW is not in your control. You can set conditions to her being part of your life, but you can't force her to be remorseful or self-aware. Focus on you and your daughter. In this moment of great stress, you have a chance to teach her how proper, strong and honorable men behave.

All the best. Stay strong.


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 429 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Good luck, Billy, and be ready for the wildest , hardest ride you will ever take. You and Maddie are in my thoughts and prayers. I tried the nice guy, "Please straighten up" approach with my FWW, but it wasn't until I let her know that I was with her because I wanted to be, and that I did not need her, that she changed. Good luck.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

hey billy, you seem to have a good list already. I'm close to LR if you need a shoulder.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5391 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Welcome to SI, Billy. I've been here for a long time and have read a lot of stories, some very much like yours'. And i've seen situations like yours' fixed, partners like yours' become well again, marriages like yours' saved.

But some don't, unfortunately many don't.

I say this to you b/c you need to know that whatever happens, you need to become, and stay, in complete control. Make sure YOU are healthy, whether your W is or not. Be strong for your daughter as she needs her dad, adopted or otherwise, to lead her through this. She'll learn from this mess, good and bad.

You said that you "believe" your W relapsed ... are you 100% sure? If you're not then i'd have her tested for drugs. And while you're at it have her tested for STD's as well.

As suggested above, you really need to see a lawyer. Know your rights now. I hope your M doesn't end in a D, just don't be caught off guard should it. Do you have any legal rights to keep your DD should your W leave and want to take her along? You need to know.

As Heavy Sigh suggests; be Clint Eastwood. Firm but not an asshole. Determined yet non-threatening. Safe. Responsible. A hero to your DD and perhaps one day also to your W.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep looking forward and hang in there. We're here for you.


Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I've called an attorney, the same one who handled the adoption, who is a friend of mine, and am awaiting a call back, to see what my options are if my wife, as she is now saying she might do, stays in California. On the phone today she said that if she comes back out here and things don't work out that she will be stuck without any family or friends or support network or a place, et cetera. She has apparently pawned my daughter off on her biological dad who is spoiling her, my daughter, to keep her confused. I asked my wife if she had been using and she denied it, but I don't know if I believe her, and now I don't know if she is coming home.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Brother, that's not an option for her. Bio dad gave up those rights when you adopted. Mom can't just up and displace your daughter from the family home.

Re-contact your lawyer and exercise your rights. What she is doing is at a minimum custodial inference and possibly parental kidnapping.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Bio dad gave up those rights when you adopted. Mom can't just up and displace your daughter from the family home.

Everything above. She is your legal daughter and your wife cannot legally just take her.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

She has just declared *War* on you.

I'm not sure how you've been communicating with your WW up to this point, but it might be a good idea to use text/email so that you have her own words, in black & white, laying out her plans to keep your daughter away from you without your permission.

War, friend. No more 'nice guy' time. Do NOT make any concessions or show agreement or understanding about her newest 'plan'.

If she was supposed to come home today. She needs to get her ass home, with YOUR daughter, TODAY.

Get ALL over this, BIA. Quickly.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Sorry you have found your way here. It is a place that is safe and someone will always offer words of advice and care.

Many have suggested great advice.

Not knowing your wife but being a mother I would plead with her to return home for the sake of your daughter.

Ask her to put your daughter's safety and security first and come home to address the situation together as a family.

This may or may not work (especially if she is using again) but it is worth a try.

Your wife is in a fog. You have not done anything that justifies her poor choices or betrayal.

Be kind to yourself and keep reading and posting.

We are rooting for you.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:16 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I hadn't thought of the custodial interference or parental kidnapping option. I'll look into it, it would be a move I could make, but at 13 wouldn't they take my daughter's word on who she wanted to be with if she was pressured or bribed into saying 'her mom'?
I did talk to the lawyer and went over the options about fighting for custody, which state would have jurisdiction, et cetera. All considered, that factor seems the only sticking point, unless her mom ends up in jail.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I believe the state that would have jurisdiction is where she maintains her legal resideNce, or rather the two of you do. I'm sure that your 13 year olds opinion would be taken into consideration, but probably only after an observation by a trained professional. perhaps even at the judge at the hearing. in your home state.
I agree with gonna, get her to text everything to you so its in black and white. if this does wind up going to trial, and I hope it doesn't, it will be admissible.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

My lawyer says that Arkansas, where we have legal residence, where she has lived and gone to school for four years, and where the adoption occurred, would have jurisdiction unless my wife filed in California and I filed in Arkansas, in which case a federal judicial arbiter would consult with judges from both states to decide which state has jurisdiction, and I would probably win that decision. Unless the filing happens more than six months after she left the state, and something will happen one way or another long before then. I don't have anything in print from my wife, all of our communication has been over the phone, but I do have several text messages from my daughter over the last 24 hours saying that she loves me and misses me.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Custodial Interference:
Ark. Code Ann. §5-26-501(a)(1).
Interference with court-ordered custody.
In state: Class A Misdemeanor
Out of state: Class D Felony.
Interference with custody: Class C Felony
Ark. Code Ann. §5-26-502(b).

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Wife's mom, stepdad, grandma, and grandpa are on my side, and want her to come home and work things out, are very upset with and ashamed of her. The rest of her family is either ambivalent or on her side. I have to try to get some sleep so I don't obsess about the big why and my own imperfections, things I coulda shoulda done better, et. al..

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I have to try to get some sleep so I don't obsess about the big why and my own imperfections, things I coulda shoulda done better, et. al..

Billy, the big why is all about what's wrong inside your wife. It has nothing to do with your imperfections. She would have have cheated on Jesus if she had married him!

When you start thinking that you should have done abc or been xyz, remember that she's far from perfect, and you didn't cheat on her!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Is it a healthy thing, psychologically, at least at the moment because I know that there will be future recurring lows...to be prepared to not really care whether she comes back or not? To think about being okay if she doesn't? Not in an angry righteous indignation way, but a half peaceful calm and acceptance? At the moment I have a whiff of that.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Absolutely brother. Around here it's referred to as the roller coaster it's a ride from hell.

Have you seen a Dr yet? I highly recommend a sleep aid/anti depressant. It will come in mighty handy. Also please be sure to at least stay hydrated. The infidelity diet helped me lose about 40 lbs overall. Please at least try to eat.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Wife just called "to check on me and see if I was all right". I asked "Why"? She said because she cares about me and loves me. I asked her if she had decided what she wanted yet, and she said that she needed to give herself a couple more days to think about it. I told her that if she cared about me and loved me, she wouldn't need a couple more days to think about it. I asked her if she had seen him again, and she said 'no', that they had talked a couple of times briefly on the phone, but she hadn't seen him. I told her that before we could begin to work things out, she had to cut him off, completely, forever. She said that she knew that and that she would call me in the morning. Who knows.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Well, I think you're absolutely right. Love and caring clears confusion. On the on side there's you, a man who loves her, loves and has adopted her daughter, provides home, stability and a chance at a good life. On the other side she has people who are negative, losers, who just want to use her. What's to be confused about?

The WS playbook, chapter 1 says to sit on the fence, eat cake and string people along as long as possible. Make sure she understands that if she tries that crap she stands to lose everything. Start pulling away. Cut the strings. Sour the cake and tear down the fence.


Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Stop answering her calls. Or, if you must talk to her in case she has something to say about your daughter, stop asking when she is coming home, stop asking about the OM, etc. It isn't helping you. Keep it about the kid. She knows you're willing to help if she comes home. Leave it at that.

Sorry for what you're going through, especially with your daughter. I'm sure it is very scary.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Friend, what stops you from going to her XH's residence to rescue your DD? She is YOUR DD - she needs YOU. JMHO but it she was my DD i'd be on my way ...

Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

how are things going today? hoping for the best

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I got about three hours sleep last night. Can't eat much. Pretty typical from what I read here. Why is it that we are the ones who go through more anguish than them?

Anyway, it's 10:30 am California time and she hasn't called me. I'm not going to call her. Thinking about getting a shower and getting out of the house, going to get some sleep medicine and to the bank to start another checking account and transfer some funds so I can cancel her debit card if I need to, although she will say if that happens that I cut off my daughter and MADE them have to stay out there, but I can't be expected to finance her partying and cheating. I did reach out to her mom this morning to see if we can verify through family that my daughter is okay. It looks like she's currently at my wife's Aunt's house. 1,800 miles away from me.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I agree you should go get your daughter. Anyone else who has her could be charged with kidnapping (probably not convicted but who wants to even be investigated.)

I'd stop answering her calls. Make her "connect" with you in a way to have a paper trail. You are probably going to need it.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

If I were you, I'd hop on a plane or get in the car and go get my daughter ! ASAP !
She's your daughter too.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Billy your daughter is 13 years old with a man who is no longer her father. He GAVE HER UP.

So why are you not on a plane getting her back???????

Nothing says "I love my daughter" more than Dad coming to take me home.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6522 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I think that your instincts are right. Cut her off from spending your joint assets on her screwing around. Get on an airplane, take copies of your adoption papers and photos of your daughter, and go out there and fetch her back to the marital home. Can your lawyer petition to have your daughter returned? I would definately go see him about that. YOU ARE HER FATHER. In the eyes of the law, that POS sperm donor that she has been dropped off with far too many times is an acquantance of her mother and nothing more. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Just returned from the bank, where I had a new checking account opened in my name only and transferred all the funds from our savings account into it. All she has access to now is enough money I'm leaving in the joint account for them to get home on if they choose to come home. I say choose, because now she has my daughter brainwashed into thinking she wants to stay out there, apparently, or at least very confused about it. I'm permanently disabled, have diabetes and other health issues, and receive disability, so I went by the Social Security Office and arranged for my disability payments to be direct deposited into the new account which has only my name on it. Then I went and got some ZZZQuill so I can sleep tonight.

My wife is playing games by communicating by proxy with me through a friend's facebook IM's, so I figured that out and sent this IM to "her friend" this morning:

"Good morning, XXXXX, lol. XXXXX called me last night, just to let you know, please don't tell her I told you, but at this point honestly I feel like she's just stringing me along for as long as possible, eating cake, sitting on the fence. WHATEVER. I'm her husband, not a 'plan B' or some backup contingency, I'm not a fallback option if XXXXXXX's sloppy seconds don't pan out, know what I mean? She's confused, she says. Well, here on the one hand there's me, a guy who loves her and loves her daughter and adopted her and represents a stable home and good future, and on the other hand, some negative, backstabbing loser druggies and repeat offender scumbags. (Present company excluded). What's to be confused about? Does that make sense? So I'm going to go hang out with a buddy of mine and then have dinner with my dad and tomorrow I'm going to a bachelor's party and Saturday to a wedding. I probably will pass if they ask me to make a toast to the happy couple about the joys of marital bliss, though. ;-> Then I need to go down to see my 95 year old grandma who has taken a turn for the worse and didn't even recognize her doctor when he came in to visit her yesterday in the nursing home, and then to my mom's for a couple of days. Life goes on, with or without her."

Some of you will recognize your own words in that, and I apologize for the plagiarism, but appreciate the inspiration.

The effect that it had is that my wife called me and left a voice mail saying that she was calling to check on me and tell me that she loved me (twice)and that "her head was getting better", BUT that she was going to have to take her car (in my name, I bought it, but whatever) to the dealership to have the computer reset tomorrow, but that it is running fine.

She also asked me to call her back.

I don't feel like I should, right now. Should I let her squirm and sweat it out some, wondering if she's losing her window of opportunity?

I did get confirmation from her mom that my daughter is at her Aunt's house and safe, for now, but getting all twisted up by this.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

If I were in your exact situation I would ask my sister, brother or a best bud to drive/fly with me to Calif or where mom and daughter are staying at..Stay there for a while and lay low..Let your daughter know that you are staying within a few minutes drive from her and that you can and will take her home at a moment's notice..You have as much right/access to your adopted daughter as Mom..Neither WW or you have filed for divorce, no temp custody orders seem to be in place, so you wouldn't be guilty of parental kidnapping...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Question: What did your L say about her keeping your DD away past the time they were supposed to be back?

(and no. Don't call your WW back just yet)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

She said that she was trying to decide what to do, and if/when to come home.

I never would have expected this, but she just posted a public statement on facebook. At the risk of boring everyone I will copy and paste her posts here for your feedback.

She put this one on my facebook front page for the world to see:

"I have no idea what to say to you... take comfort in knowing that punishment will be my future. No way to express my regret. You have always been too good for me, something we both knew from day one. When I think of you, I know that at one time I did have it all... you deserve the best life has to offer, I wish you had never met me after all the pain you have endured in your life and now once again you have been hurt by someone who is suppose to love you. You did nothing to deserve any of it in fact after everything that you have done to make my life beautiful you should have more love than a woman can offer, I am sorry... even though sorry is not good enough... My concerns for you and if you are ok are probably coming to your mind as a bit late to care now... but I do and I pray because I have no idea what else to do or how to face you or how to even think about any of it at all... I do not know what to say anymore."


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I don't think that sincere people court others sympathies and opinions on facebook.

I would have been more impressed with the statement if it didn't come off as a public relations effort on social media.

She is right that you deserve more. Starting with a sincere apology that is for YOU alone.

I don't have facebook. But if you can, take that shit off your page.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I asked my friends for prayers on facebook without giving specifics. One of them asked if I was okay. She replied to it:

"No he is not ok. I have totally turned our lives upside down... He needs so much right now and all I can give him is pain..."


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

A fury of posts from her on her facebook page:

"I give up"

somebody asked if she was having work related problems, and she responded:

No XXXXXXXX it is completely personal. Well cuzz I sure made a mess of my life and my families lives again.. just going to try everyday not to make it worse and worse. I have not relapsed and have no intention on ever doing that... but I have no idea what I am doing... I have wrote down a goal taking it one step at a time, first step start rebuilding mine and Maddie's life a little bit at a time... have not factored in when or if I will ever have the backbone to face Billy or anyone else... I don't expect forgiveness but I have to figure out how to express my regret and apologies on how I went about things. There is a right way to do things, a wrong way and then there is my way... I say this is as bad as it gets when it comes to not doing things the right way for the people in your life who deserve it."

Then she posted:

"I wish everyone would quit tripping!! I have no intentions on relapsing just because I didn't do things the way I should have. I understand the concern about me ending up there but just because I failed when it came to making decisions the right way doesn't mean I want to crash and burn... It is bad enough in my life right now but I want to pick up the pieces and fight my way back to where I need to be... I am not in anyway shape or form trying to end my life by doing drugs. Besides there are alot of stupid people that are close to me who want to justify their own mistakes and actions by suggesting the reason they are assholes is because I must be on drugs. There is no way I am going to prove them right by picking up that evil shit again!! I might not have been thinking about it all when I went about things wrong, but I am thinking about it all now. No matter what kind of idiot or mistake maker I am, or selfish inconsiderate bitch I can be, I am still XXXXXX mother and I love her more than to take it that far... she loves me and needs me in her life."

So, whether I should have or not, I tried to call her then, and she didn't pick up the phone, it went to voice mail. So I posted this in response:

"Since you stated our stuff publicly and you won't pick up the phone I will respond publicly. It doesn't matter what you've done, or even why, at this point. I love you and I love XXXXX and I want you to just please come home so we can have some time together and work through this. We all do damage. Character is defined by how you repair it. You're a good woman, you're a good wife, and we are a good family together. I love you. I need you. I want you to get XXXXX, throw the bags in the car, and start headed this way. Anything you're trying to work through, we can work through together once you're here. We need time together. I need to see you and to hold you. My arms and my heart are wide open, just take that first step toward me, and come home. Don't string this along. Don't let time and distance widen the gap between us. That will only make things harder. We need to get back together, stick it out, and get past this. That's what families do, darlin'. For XXXXX. For me. For YOU. Just come back to me Don't put it off any longer. I am here."

[This message edited by BillyinArkansas at 10:56 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

She's a freaking drama queen.

She needs to come home. Now. If she is not on her way home by Monday, I would strongly suggest that you speak to your L about what you need to do to get your DD back home. Your drama queen wife is more than welcome to be wherever she wants to be....but she doesn't get to just hijack your daughter.

I said it before and I am going to say it again. Stop having voice conversations with her. Text or email only.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I think you're right. If she continues to drag this out after putting our stuff right out in the open, I need to respond by having my lawyer pull the trigger. Everybody here probably thinks that what I wrote above in response to her post was a weak thing to do. Maybe so. But if this is goodbye then I didn't want to have any regrets about things left unsaid. I guess she's not checking her e-mail because I have e-mailed her so it would be in print but she hasn't responded. I don't have a cell phone so the only way that I can text is through e-mail to text, and I also texted her that way, but she didn't respond. I do, however, have texts saved in my e-mail from my daughter saying that she loves me and misses me. And now, I have these facebook posts saved in a word document.

I'm sorry if to those who have went through this my post in response seems weak or too soft, this is so new and fresh and I am just not wanting to have any regrets about not having given her every opportunity to come home.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Bill,
You've done the right thing.

Now it's up to your WW to make the right choice and come home.

I'm praying for you.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 28th (Friday)

i agree.

I think it was the right thing to tell her you loved her and you wanted her back.

If she doesn't respond by turning around and driving back, then I wouldn't offer any more of that. You've stated your position. You've offered your hand even after the betrayal. It's up to her to take it. If she doesn't, then I guess you need to take care of business.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Billy, I think what you wrote on FB as a response to your AWAL WW's posts was good, very good actually IMHO. You demonstrated care and sympathy b/c that's how you feel, and that's nice. But one thing I would've added, and you still can, is a date that she MUST be home by. Don't leave the timeline open-ended.

IE; "whatever you've done can be repaired but repair happens here, it will involve you, me and DD and it begins on XX-XX-2013 ... this is non-negotiable".

What do you think?


Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
ForwardMotion
Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Billy - what you wrote is not too soft...you stated your position. If you are open to reconcile, she needs to know. She also needs to know the terms. There is a guy named Bigger on here who has absolutely brilliant advice on how to get your head around this crap and deal with the situation. Search his username and read some of his stuff.

Peace brother.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I'll look up and read Bigger's posts. She was posting stuff all night about how her heart was broken and her pride was torn and she had to be alone and that she was a "stupid, stupid girl", et cetera. I'm getting a lot of support from my friends, and from most of our mutual friends, and even some of her family.

You think she will say if I give her an ultimatum on coming home she will tell my daughter that I've said that if she doesn't come home right now I don't want her back? Or is the need to set boundaries and stop this from dragging out more crucial now?


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Take control now. She needs a timeline, give her one.

Posts: 1941 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 28th (Friday)

i wouldn't give her date. To me, that sounds too harsh. but i would definitely have a date in my head. she knows you've offered. i guess after a couple of days you could post, "i need to know if you're coming home." Or you could immediately post, "i need to know soon." Putting an exact date I think almost invites rebelliousness.

The point is, you can't let her continue to not decide. There are a couple of people here who have left the door open for months. and they've paid the price for that. I think it's counter productive. Someone who is wayward will trample over anything like that because it's a sign of weakness.

I have to tell you though, it seems to me that she is laying the groundwork for not coming back. All this "i'm a bad person." seems to me to be saying to the world, "I knowI'm a bad person and make mistakes. Forgive me anyway." Like she's already decided not to come home and she's looking for sympathy.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 28th (Friday)

If she hasn't responded by Moday, I'd contact your lawyer and see what options you have. But don't set a firm date for her return.

If you want your daughter, then fight for her. She needs a stable home.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:09 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 28th (Friday)

One good thing is that my daughter's bio's girlfriend posted in a way that made it clear that my daughter is not with them, currently, so she's safe and at my wife's Aunt's house.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Billy,
As a Mother, all I can think about is your daughter and what she may be exposed to. I would get on a plane stat and bring her home. She 's only 13, must be so scared and confused. Please consider this option.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I''m glad that she''s at her aunt''s house. Can you give her a call and let her know how much you miss her and love her? And let her cry/vent/say whatever she needs to, to the only stable parent that she has right now?

You made your point very eloquently on FB. That was the public reach-out saying that you''re willing to work on things if she will get her butt home and actually WORK on things. Now, I''m going to join the chorus of people who offer the advice that if she isn''t on her way back home by Monday, you see your lawyer and see what your options are to compel her to show up with your daughter or send your daughter back to the stable parent. You have a ream of posts, etc, that show that she''s off her rocker and hopefully, your lawyer can file for her to produce your daughter and get her back into the martial home. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I did text my daughter this morning just to tell her that I loved her and miss her so much and asked what she was doing. No reply back yet.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I'd call her instead of texting.
She needs to hear your voice.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I will. I'm not sure what to say. She knows what is going on, probably more than I do, but I don't want to put her in the middle of ask her to tell her mom to come home.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 28th (Friday)

just tell her you love her and that no matter what she's your daughter and you will always be there for her.

she's old enough to know what's going down.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Oops, my computer almost farted out a duplicate post

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:01 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 28th (Friday)

When I was 4-5 years old my Mom and stepdad left my sister and I with my stepdad's parents and went out of town..I was led to believe that my mom and stepdad would be gone for a few weeks..They were gone for over 2 years...My father(by blood) who lived about 10 minutes away from us, never stepped up to the plate to adopt us during this time period or thereafter...
I know that your daughter is much older than I was..I don't know, even to this day why we were left behind with grandparents for such an extended period..All I know is that I felt abandoned, at the time, and it took me years to trust adults and to believe they weren't all liars....
I would voice call your daughter...She needs to hear your voice and I am sure she will have many questions about what her life will look like in the coming weeks/years...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:06 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 28th (Friday)

You don't have to put her in the middle. Don't mention her mother.
Just let her know that your there for her and that if she wants, that you'll come and get her. Your her father now.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 28th (Friday)

tmr nailed it. Just let her know that Dad will come get her.

What has the lawyer said about just going to get her? Is that possible?

Inform your WW that she's welcome to stay and date out there, just not as your wife. Let her know DD is coming home with or without her.

All through text and E-mail. From what you have described, she will deny any agreement that you come to verbally. If you need to, tell her you are too hurt to speak to her and feel safer by doing it through text and/or E-mail.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
allingoodtime
New Member
Member # 39679
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Billy,
I only found out about my WH's A about a month ago, and have been a member of this forum for about two days, but let me say: I have received tremendous support to each post I've put on SI. What you're bound to be feeling is natural, and I know we will all be here to listen and help any way we can.


(All In Good Time)
BS: 25 (me)
WH: 29

A Dates: March 2013-May 2013
D-Day 2013: May 24
MW: My former best friend.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Well, My wife and I have been facebook IMing all day. So, I have been able to copy and paste it into about fourteen pages of transcripts, for documentation. Basically, she says that I am a perfect husband and father except that she is not attracted to me and my diabetes affecting our sex life, she thought she could put that aside and be with me anyway for every other reason, but now she doesn't know if she can. Hurts to say that, as a man, but that's it.

But, I did get to talk to my daughter. I told her than she can come and visit with me or with my mom, her grandma, while her mom is figuring things out and very unstable in every way. My wife is saying that she might be okay with that. That's what I'm working on, is getting her to agree to let me daughter come back home.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I was able to hold it together and be cordial and rational and cool when I was discussing my daughter with my wife, but now I'm breaking apart because on every wall and in every corner, even when I close my eyes, there she is.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 28th (Friday)

first off Billy, one armed manhugs Billy}}}}}

second, i wouldn't put too much stock in her saying she isn't sexually attracted to you. Of course she's going to say that. She has to figure out why she cheated on you and that's all she can come up with. At least she hasn't rewritten the marriage and come up with all sorts of evil things you've done.

Basically, she has poor boundaries, she cheated on you with someone she probably knows is a cretin, and now she's trying to figure out why.

Also, (a little scientific) once a woman has sex with a man a hormone is released that makes her want to be loyal to him (in the short term), and of course the whole unicorn fart thing about the passion.

The thing is, that stuff wears off when she has to live with him day to day. Dirty underwear and unwashed dishes happen every time you live with someone. I'm guessing that a month after living with this "guy" she will really regret it. Who knows if she will have the courage to ask to come back to you. And who knows if you will accept her back.

just don't take what she says too seriously. She's in the fog and she has to justify her actions.

focus on getting your daughter back without having to get the court involved. And if you do have to get the court involved, then get the court involved.

hang in there man.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

If your WW intends to stay in CA how does she plan on getting her personal things? If she wants her stuff, make her come and get it. Don't send it to her.
And what about all your daughters things? She surly won't want to leave it all behind.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
ForwardMotion
Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Billy - how are you doing?


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

After a few days of roller coaster and back and forth, my WW has agreed to send our daughter back to me, because of all the drama and negative influences there in California. She has went from self-loathing to cocky, still confused, and at this point says that she wants to come back and live with me and our daughter and see if things work out, and if they don't then get her own place nearby. But she's still confused and I doubt she really wants to be my wife. I'm living day by day. I bought the plane ticket, sent all the information, that's what I've been working on for two days, and tomorrow night I'm supposed to pick up my daughter (13) at the airport. I just spoke with my daughter on the phone and confirmed it. Meanwhile, my wife has gotten her hair cut and dyed and removed her facebook marital status and changed her home town back to where she is, now, and I went and talked to my lawyer this morning and gave him 21 pages of facebook IM exchanges where she demonstrates her guilt, her lack of stability, her fear that that place is not safe for our daughter to live in or go to school in, and her willingness to send her to me. So, whatever happens, we'll see.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
ForwardMotion
Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Billy - sorry she's so crazed, but you're doing the right thing. Number one priority is get your daughter home.

Peace brother.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Awesome!!! Get her home. It sounds bad, but in the best interest of your D, it might be best if WW stays out there for a while, proving what a wonderful, competent parent she knows you to be.

Sucks from the M side. However, If she's making all these changes, coupled with the A do you really see a future with her?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

These changes, coupled with the A and the lies and deception and trickle truth and refusal to come home, you're right, I doubt she will, unless only to get her stuff. Probably what I'm looking at is being a single dad for a while then facing a divorce and custody fight when it's time for school to start back. After having to talk to her so much yesterday I got a little more sad last night than I have been for a few days, and am running on about three hours sleep, but from all indication including her facebook post a minute ago, she is still taking my daughter to the airport this morning.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

how are you doing brother, did your daughter make it home?

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Yes, I made it back home from the airport with my daughter at 3:30 AM. She was exhausted from flying all day and went straight to bed after petting her dog. But her hugs and love are the strongest ever. Of course her mom keeps texting and calling her, she was drunk over at my daughter's biological dad's house tonight. I could tell from my daughter's end of the conversation that my wife was saying "I bet you don't want to come back, now", and of course my daughter, put on the spot, was saying "Yes, mom, I still do." So, she is here, but for long I don't know, and what I can do next?

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Tell her the truth.

That you love her very much and are over the moon know that she's home.

That her mother is in a petty bad mental place right now but you want her to be safe with you until her mother gets her act back together and comes home to you both.

She doesn't need to know that Mom might not be coming home any time soon or ever.

Just keep her safe with you.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:36 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 622 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Your her father now.
She's with you.
Your WW sent her home to you, because she said that where she's living now is not a place to raise a child.
That's all you need for custody.
FIGHT FOR HER !


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Bill,

This is your daughter and you need to step up and do what is in the best interest of her.

She absolutely should not go back to her mom. At 13 she knows something isn't right but she loves her mom so wants to make her happy. You probably need to talk with her and see if she would go into counseling (both of you should go) and learn how to deal with mom in a healthy manner. There is no shame in getting professional help in a situation like this.

Fight for your daughter. She is sooo worth it.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6522 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Why would she ever go back? Sorry for the 2x4, but get your shit together! Keep your daughter safe!

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

I told her last night that I wouldn't ask her questions about her mom, but I was available for her and if she had any questions she wanted to ask me, or issues she wanted to talk about, I would answer her honestly about them. Her mom does have her all twisted up, for example she said that she hates her grandma (who sided with me and was talking to me) and that I shouldn't talk to her. She volunteered that right off, lol. Apparently my daughter thinks that she is only here for a two week visit. I asked my lawyer what my options are. My wife specifically told me before she put her on the plane that if I tried anything, like keeping her, that she would fight me for her. I think she has talked to a lawyer or maybe my daughter's biological father gave her a head's up about the custodial infringement charge that she has sidestepped and also that Arkansas would probably have jurisdiction in a custody dispute.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Great job on getting your daughter back! I''m so happy for you AND your daughter. Please try to have a good long weekend with her and give her a chance to settle back into her home and decompress.

I do hope that you are going to have your lawyer file immediately for physical custody, for a restriction that mom cannot take your daughter out of the state, and look at your prospects for separation. If your WW wants to screw around in CA, she can do so. She''s an adult. However not as your wife. And given that CA is a community property state, please make sure that you originate the legalities. You want your state''s laws working for you and for your daughter''s stability.

Hang in there, dad. You''re doing really great.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BillyinArkansas
New Member
Member # 39666
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

My daughter's taking a shower. I finally coaxed her out of her room. I had thought she was sleeping from her trip, but she was in there texting her mom saying that she felt like a stranger here and wanted to go back, her mom called and said, any way. I told my daughter that I was still her same old dad, and try to relax and be herself. It's awkward.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 86