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New Beginnings
User Topic: Yesterday broke my heart...
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I was sitting working yesterday and the ex came to the door... She wanted to talk and begged me to listen to her... I hadn't seen her in over a year...

I'd posted about a text I'd gotten from her with step 9 of the AA 12 step... I hadn't answered the text and was pondering if I should...

Well.... She talked about how much she still loves me and is in love with me... I told her that she literally beat the love out of me and that I learned to feel nothing for us...

She got fired from her job because she went to work drunk one morning in March... Wound up in a psyciatric hospital for 2 weeks... This is an incredibly intelligent woman, a Chief Nursing Officer at a huge hospital and a remarkable emergency room and flight nurse back before becoming an administrator...

She said her fall began when she checked out of our relationship and hooked up with the OM...

She started self medicating with alcohol when I left and the OM dumped her...

Her health is now fucked up with liver and kidney problems, thyroid and she's epileptic now...

She talked about all the wonderful places we went together... (we did take a lot of cool trips)...

How the house we remodeled has me everywhere in it... I did pretty much leave a huge foot print there especially the kitchen and the outdoor living area... I told her to sell it, if it bothers her so much...

She begged me to give us a chance again and I told her that I'm long gone and I'm in a relationship with KD... I had no choice but to get away from the chaos she created and I am enjoying my new life and will not go back...

Seeing her in that place broke my heart... What a huge fall... My KISA tendencies tugged at me but I kept them at bay...

I know many of us cheer when the Karma Bus runs over our ex but I have no joy in seeing what's happened to her and what she's done to herself...

It tore me up...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
TrainerCarrie
Member
Member # 14851
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

It is sad to see people you once loved in any kind of pain. We all talk about Karma, but sometimes the reality isn't Karma. It's a life made of destructive choices and the realization comes a little too late of the damage you have done to others.

I'm happy to see you resisted helping her and have moved on.

I no longer live in infidelity pain, but the side effects will always be there.


Sometimes giving up something you want is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Never, ever date your neighbor.


Posts: 2820 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Almost Heaven...West Virginia.
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

((WB)) you did the right thing. Yesterday you did a lot just by listening and respectfully hearing her story and letting her have her voice. Now it is time for continued detachment and for her to learn how to live with the consequences of her choices.

My XH has also been hit hard by the karma bus and I take no pleasure in it at all. I feel sorry for him but I will never ever be able to live with him. I can't even extend my hand in friendship as I see that being harmful to him as well, giving him hope for a future with me when there isn't one.

I think people here who want the karma bus have XW spouses who aren't hurting (yet)...who appear to have gotten out of their choices with no consequences. Those of us who have seen the opposite outcome understand it differently because our experiences are different.

It was good of you to listen to her pain, even good that you have a heart that hurts today because someone you once loved is hurting. That means you have a good heart. I wish your ex the best of luck in getting her life back together.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Wow. Thats a story that really puts a different perspective on it. I do have to wonder how you deal with something like this. The emotions, communication skills, religious beliefs, etc. really makes a situation like this difficult. Thanks so much for sharing.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Dec 2008
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Last I heard (in January), my ex wasn't doing so well either. It wasn't something that I thought to celebrate. It sucks to see someone you loved struggle, even if it is their own fault.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I see this being my X's eventual fall when Sparkle Panties finally wakes up and dumps him. His drinking is out of control and it's only a matter of time before the stent he had put in back in 1999 fails.

It's tough - as much as I kid about him, he was a huge part of my life for almost half of it. We were one of "those" couples who did everything together and were best friends. We raised our kids together and successfully. We had plans for the future like everyone else here.

As much as I see this tearing you up, I also see that bit of manipulation on her end - only because on occasion I see it from my X. How suddenly I'm/you're the catch of the century, yet they were so very quick to throw us under the bus and decimate us at the drop of a hat. Sounds like she's finally seeing herself for who she really is and now she doesn't like what the mirror is showing her so off she trots to her KISA for some co-dependency mending.

I'm so glad you see that she's done all this to herself. Too bad so sad the bed she made for herself has lots of bedbugs.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21011 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

The downward spiral has shocked and saddened me...

I never doubted her strength and resolve... She over came a childhood and parents to become an example of what you can do when you put your mind to it... Beautiful, successful and a quiet smile that could melt a heart...

I remember the very moment it all changed... Unbeknowst to me she was already deep in her A with a very NPD OM...

I was shocked on January 2nd 2007 by her accusing me of cheating... She wanted me out of the house... I left believing it was an aberration... Never to return except to move out three months later, one week after dday...

During an attempted R we took a trip to New Orleans... One of our favorite get away spots... It wasn't the same as the trips before... She had changed in ways I couldn't put a finger on...

I still can't fathom where the "her" I knew for decades went... She never really saw the pain her A brought into my life because she was spinning down down down...

I wondered if she'd hit bottom... I wondered if she developed a drinking problem... She didn't have one when we were together... We'd have a drink or two in the evening while I cooked dinner... I saw her drunk one time in two decades...

Yesterday I saw a lost and broken soul... I'm not a spiritual man but if I were one I'd say a prayer... It would not surprise me if the next time I see her is to identify her body...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

AJ's

Sounds like she's finally seeing herself for who she really is and now she doesn't like what the mirror is showing her so off she trots to her KISA for some co-dependency mending.

That's one of the things I can't wrap my mind around... When did she become so co-dependent?

When we met she was very independent... When she effectively dumped me by having the A she was cramming her indepence down my throat or did she believe she'd found another "better" guy she could be co-dependent with?

She's always was independent of me financially... We never combined our assets except for me buying half of the house...

I believed with all my heart that if I died she'd be ok, she'd be happy again...

I was her guy when it came to family and being her guy in public because I'm the "never meet a stranger" type where as she's quiet...

She was someone I always looked up to in many ways although like us all, flawed in other ways...

This has really dredged up a lot of emotions and memories...

As my handle "wonderingbull" states... I'm still wondering where the hell everything went in the ditch...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

You have to move past this. Her choices created the situation that she is currently in.

As we say here..... Actions, meet consequences.

I'm sorry to be so hard, but life ain't for sissies.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7037 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

(((WB)))

It's just such a waste when you see them realize that they had it all and then threw it away. We knew it the whole time, but they only come to realize it when the shiny dream turns into reality.

I have a friendly relationship with XWH - we share grandchildren so we interact at times, and I make it friendly so no one has to feel awkward.

I have watched him end his relationship with OW, try to come back to me and get rebuffed, move on to another dysfunctional relationship which resulted in marriage and divorce within a year, and just recently have an EA on his SO who begged him to take her back, so he did even though he says he doesn't really love her. He is a mess. His relationship with our grown sons is not good even though he was a good father until the A.

None of it gives me any kind of satisfaction. He took a good life and threw it away and he's been adrift ever since.

I must admit that my co-dependency wants to reach out and at least try to fix his relationship with our sons, but that is NOT my job - never really was - that is my dysfunction to own.

I'm just glad that I was able to move on from the devastation and create a better life than I ever imagined. It doesn't stop me from hoping that he can do the same some day.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

It's hard to completely not care for an ex. After all, we were married to them and loved them once upon a time.

If you reveled in her being slammed by the karma bus, I'd be concerned that the cheating made you a bitter person.

Sorry WB. Must be tough.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Oh man, what a nightmare. I'm sorry WB. I'd feel the same way if my x were circling the drain.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16634 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Threnody
Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

If her AP was truly NPD, then yeah. She's codependent and was probably self-medicating with the alcohol. The strong woman you once knew is in there, but shattered. It will take years to put her back together, but the cracks will always be visible.

This isn't to absolve her for her part and her choices. You can't have an affair with an NPD without, ta-da!, deciding to have an affair. I'm simply writing this to let you know that the destruction you saw wasn't all the destruction there is. If she's earnest about recovering, if she's earnest about trying to get her life back on track, she has many difficult stops in between while she rebuilds herself after being in the sphere with a narcissist.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thren...

You're absolutely right... When I found out who the OM was I already knew what he was...

I'm a scientist so I studied as much about NPD as I could... I've read religiously in the NPD thread here... I talked to his ex wife, and two women he "dated"... They were amazed when I described him, his methods and his madness... The OM did a job on everyone he touched...

The damage, destruction and her spinning down the drain has been an ongoing meltdown of epic proportion...

I didn't start it, I couldn't stop it and thus I wound up being caught up in a web I couldn't escape until I called it quits...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone for listening to me here and "chatting" this out....

My thoughts and emotions have been all over the map since yesterday afternoon...

I'm sure I'm not done here...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Small t/j:
I'm in a relationship with KD

What??? You got back together??? Spill!!!!

She said her fall began when she checked out of our relationship and hooked up with the OM...

I'd wager it began before. Addictive personalities don't just start. It's possible she obsessed/chased things that were good for her but once she lighted on something bad, it became a self fulfilling prophecy that led her further away than anyone could have predicted. She was probably always a bit risky, but since the risks worked, you didn't notice.

I'm sorry you're having to hear this and see it. Regardless of love dead and gone, it's troublesome to see someone so messed up.

(((WB)))

[This message edited by cayc at 2:56 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

cayc...

You must have missed the post hidden in a t/j of my own...

You're probably right... Both her parents have been raging alcoholics her whole life... There has always been a "secret" side to her that no one really knew... She pretty much refused to talk about the shitty side of her childhood...

Yesterday when I mentioned "self medicating with alcohol" she said, yep, it was my escape from all the pain...

Looking back, it's like she was a powder keg waiting for a spark and the OM was the spark... I never saw it coming...

WB

[This message edited by wonderingbull at 3:33 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Wow. It's rare that we see the full destruction played out in front of our eyes. A lot of us can guess, but rarely does an X come forward and admit it.

She has lost several years of maturing as personal development is put on hold during addictions. Now she is far behind you in maturity and you are in such different places.

I agree the karma bus is not so fun to really see in reality as much as we might fantasize about it when we are feeling hurt and angry.

((((WB))))


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Wow. It's rare that we see the full destruction played out in front of our eyes. A lot of us can guess, but rarely does an X come forward and admit it.

It's been a long 6 years... When the consequences come they take no prisoners...

No matter what I feel... It's like whistling by the grave yard...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I know many of us cheer when the Karma Bus runs over our ex but I have no joy in seeing what's happened to her and what she's done to herself...

^^THIS. I do have a good laugh at his expense so I am a fan of the Karma bus. I'm not looking forward to when he implodes so I understand. There is no joy to be had here.

The time-bomb started ticking well before you and I entered the picture.

You are a good and decent human being WB. Keep those KISA tendencies in check and you can continue to live your happy and healthy life.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4565 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

((WB)) Your thread just brings up all the thoughts we all have about what a destructive waste infidelity brings, even to the WS. It's no wonder you're sad - it's such a waste, one that never had to happen.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

(((wb)))I'm sorry, it is sad to see such potential wasted. I felt that about my XSO also....

Many times, things that mess us up as children will stay buried deep inside until our 40's or even 50's or so unless we work to dig it out.....growing up in an alcoholic home always leaves some marks. I think of it as the string getting stretched terribly tight when we are children. It is always ready to break, it is just a matter of time. When there isn't a lot of stress added to the string, it will last longer, but it will eventually bust.

She never did the work to reinforce the string (true counseling, truly working thru her issues....look....if she is doing the 12 steps, step 9 says to make amends EXCEPT where it would hurt. Her coming to you, when you are in a happy relationship, to tell you she loves you and wants back together, shows she is STILL not working those steps honestly.....

It is sad, she is a mess. But at this point, she is a mess of her own making, and right now, she really is only feeling sorry for herself....not for the damage she has done to you. She still has a lot of work to do.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Wow. I'm sorry wb, that must have been difficult. You handled it well.

Now I'm still interested in the reconnection to KD when you are ready to share...


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

After her text bomb and then her surprise show up yesterday I at first felt sorry then I got pissed once I thought about it...

I sent a text back telling her I'm pissed... I'm pissed that she's wasting time...

I told her I'm not a knight in shining armor.. I'm no savior or saint...

As gma said... Buck up cowgirl... This life ain't for sissies...

She can roll over and die or she can be someone... Her choice...

It ain't on me...

Lordy...

Focusing on us, we, me? That's like worrying about the ants when the gators are eating your feet...

I'm pissed...

Carry on...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

DO NOT ENGAGE WB!!

Don't give her the opportunity to give you the sob story. She sacked you from that job.she deserves no more of your emotion.

Crickets lest you get sucked back into the vortex.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4565 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

WB,

You cannot survive with an NPD partner UNLESS you are a CoDe. That is a survival mechanism for anyone in a relationship with NPD.

My therapist has an analogy she uses, That when we give so much of ourselves to one person they will always have a key to our heart. We tend to change the lock on the front door, but they still have the key to back door.

Your XW just used her key to the back door of your heart.

Her coming to you is all on her. You didn't give her an inch into your life... there is no need to. (Don't do it now...-crickets) Your life is good, you are in a good place. She doesn't get to waltz to your front door, say a few words and gain entrance to your heart. If she wants to prove to you she has changed, there are ways to do it without coming to your front door and announcing it. Just saying this outloud may help you realize that while she has had some very bad experiences since you split - What has really changed? What actions has she taken to show YOU she has changed? I know you don't always travel in the same social circles, but there are people who know of both of you. She can find you... if she chose to. Think about it for a bit... you are not making yourself invisible.

You need to feel your way thru the emotions she brought up in you. You've done it before, you know how to do it.

The good news is once you go thru them the first time.. each time after it doesn't take as much to get thru them to regain that feeling of balance again.

Looking forward to hearing more about KD from a balanced WB.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4040 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, June 28th (Friday)

((WB))

that would send me over the edge mad. it used to rip me apart when X would do that. then i started getting pissed. how dare he drag me in to his emotional drama years later? He should've sucked it up and dealt with life 5 years ago.

Just a lot of water...


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 28th (Friday)

How sad, fustrating, and an excellent example of what bad choices will do to a person.

I told her I'm not a knight in shining armor.. I'm no savior or saint...
Isn't it great when you can finally say this and mean every word ? Your in a good place because you did the work to get there WB !

Focusing on us, we, me? That's like worrying about the ants when the gators are eating your feet...
Ain't that the TRUTH !!

She's only worth a minute of being pissed off and then time to go back to your awesome life.

Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 28th (Friday)

With NPD's, the behavior is always about them. THEM.

Respond with crickets. Vent/post on SI if you feel the need (see my "kids are gone for 2 weeks thread". I vent here when I'm frustrated and crickets to ex.)

It is sad, but you are correct, it is her life, she is an adult and therefore makes her own choices.

Hang in there.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

(((WB)))

Just never easy to see that. I'm so sorry, and I hope she get's the help she needs.


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Topic Posts: 30