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User Topic: Therapist says don't tell betrayed spouse??
determined99
New Member
Member # 39507
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

It has been 3 weeks since D-Day. I have gone through the gammet of emotions, but something is still plaguing my heart. The husband of the other woman who had an affair with my husband for over a year does not know. My therapist says that I should not tell him because I might cause the man to have a heart attack (he is 70), and that I should "back off" trying to get my husband to tell anyone and let him do this in his time. At this point, my husband hasn't told anyone what happened and wants it all to be a secret. He says it is the other woman's place to tell her husband and not his. Please help! This man doesn't have email/facebook and if I wrote a letter, she might find it. I am so scared and want to do the right thing but am dying. My therapist says I should examine my motives for wanting him to know and that it would probaly be better for him to die without knowing this horrible secret. I disagree but need advice!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: determined99
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Evil  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

The general consensus is not only that the BS should contact the OP's H or W, but that the BS MUST do so.

It's a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what you would have wanted others to do for you. This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS.

Additionally, contacting the other BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair.

Oftentimes your WS will try to convince you not to contact the OP's H or W. Your WS will tell you that it's wrong to involve others or may even try to tell you that the OP is a battered spouse and is afraid for their safety or they could have a heart attack...come on, this could happen regardless of being told. You can't take ownership of his health.

Again, the general consensus on SI is that the abused spouse/health line is an excuse commonly used by WS's and should not be believed. And the part about not involving other people - of course you realize that the OP's H or W is already involved and that telling him or her is only fair.

My therapist told me to do it if it was what I needed to do to move forward and heal. You can convey the facts without being mean and vicious.

I vote tell him. He deserves to know. Why should she get away with this and you have to deal with the fall out?

Good luck. Hope you are doing okay.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

PS - Your motive is to inform a human being that they are being lied and manipulated.

Your motive is to do unto others as you would want to have done to you.

Your motive is to do the right thing for the right reason.

Your motive is knowing that if he knew you would want him to tell you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I think your therapist is really off the mark (and alarmingly ageist, to boot).

NOT knowing the truth poses a greater risk to the other BS than being told, IMO.

Older or not, the man deserves to have the knowledge required to make informed decisions about his life.

In your shoes, I'd be seeking another IC. The first "Examine your motives" I heard would be enough to tell me that the therapist's motives were off the mark---and wondering whether s/he is a WS.

It is difficult--emotionally and often logistically--to tell the other BS. But there is NOTHING worse than being in the dark about your partner's infidelity, other than being in the dark with suspicions and being gaslighted.

Suggesting that the man be allowed to die without being told? Well, that makes a whole bunch of assumptions, doesn't it? It first assumes that he's too feeble-minded to sense changes in his marriage. And it then assumes he's too physically feeble to survive the news.

Nonsense.

There is a very, very good chance that the other BS does have suspicions. Most of us can tell, on some level, when our spouses are diverting attention/love/care from the marriage elsewhere. Most of us DO find out, eventually. And as one who was kept in the dark long-term, I can tell you that it is SOUL-crushing to learn that others have lied to you, over years. Talk about humiliation.

I do agree with one thing your therapist says: it's wise to back off trying to direct your husband's actions. Not because they don't need direction, but because you just can't do it. The only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can control are your own. While many of us wish we could direct our spouses in the aftermath of infidelity, any attempt to do so is an utter waste of time and effort; it has to come from them.

So focus on YOUR thoughts, feelings and actions.

If you believe that telling the other BS is the right thing to do, then do it. You do not require the permission or approval of your IC. You won't get it from your husband.

But the man has the right to know. He has the right to make informed decisions about his life (and if your IC is right about his proximity to death, about his estate and his healthcare proxies, as well---because if I had one foot in the grave like your IC assumes this poor man does, I sure as hell wouldn't want the woman who was lying to me making end-of-life decisions if I was not able, and I would want to change my will).

But really, chances are he's just a nice guy with health as good as the next guy--- who deserves the truth and would be wise to get tested for STDs.

(I sent a registered letter to the OBS's place of business so that it could not be intercepted. You might also talk to him on the phone, or ask to meet him for a cup of coffee. There are many ways to get past interception by the WS.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:46 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Fire your therapist, put on you big girl underpants and tell the poor guy about his situation. He probably knows on some level but needs confirmation. Just go and tell him with compassion.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
shudistayorgo
New Member
Member # 39674
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

The OW in our situation is only 25yrs but she does have a boyfriend. Do you think the same advice would apply in contacting him as it would if she was married?
I have been tempted to contact the BF but haven't been sure if I would be doing it out of selfish reasons for myself (ie. exposing OW and hurting her)...

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

You know, I was told the same thing by my therapist (who I ditched).

It is NOT your secret to keep.
The husband of the OW in my case is also 70ish and not in the best of health. I made plans to meet him in person.

Just so you know, he was relieved and very, very grateful!

I was so glad that I did it.
The OW was furious, fine with me!

All the aforementioned reasons are excellent as well. Just thought I would let you know that you should do it!


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Therapist says don't tell betrayed spouse??

Yep....THAT is the general consensus of most therapists...and attorneys...

However....alot BSs are wanting to save their marriages...and unless infidelity is a "dealbreaker" (divorce) are willing to do almost anything to achieve that goal. If a dealbreaker - outing the affair to the other BS is a moot point...it simply doenst matter ...

To those who are wanting to save their marriage....the first thing that must happen is the affair MUST end first....you cannot R is your wife is still banging her BF...it will not happen.

One of the best ways to "end" the affair is exposure...end the fantasy...get it out into the light...expose it to all parties (especially the other BS)...affairs are like mushrooms - they thrive if kept in the dark....

Exposure to the other BS will not "drive them together"....as they are already together.....

Discounting Exit affairs and rekindled affairs (affairs with exes).....affairs are ego stroking relationships based on lies and depict....the APs derive a "high" from cheating....like a junkie on crack.....these "shits and giggles" affairs are an escape from reality....they are "self medicating" actions that makes the cheating spouses "feel good" to the point that we call their thinking process a "fog"....

Until the "fog" lifts and the APs are pulled/pushed back into "reality" the affair will continue....as a BS, the lifting of the fog is a primary goal....you have to bring the APs back to reality....I was willing to do "anything" to knock my FWW back to reality....anything!!!

Two things that aid those reality checks are exposure and divorce papers.....allowing the affair to continue without repercussions does not speed up the process of ending the affair....AND....a lot of therapists adhere to "allowing the affair to die a natural death"........die a natural death???? That almost sounds like "permission" to me....I would NEVER give my wife permission for that...

To those BSs who have a WW/WH in a LTA...that "let it die a natural death" is bullshit...had an BH on here years ago who's wife had been in a 20 year affair (hello "die a natural death")....and I feel for those who didn't "expose" as soon as they could...waiting for the A to die...

I have been here on SI since 2008....and I have seen on these boards ...countless affairs what are not over until BOTH BSs are aware of the A....if all parties (both of the BSs included) know of the affair and it does not end ....it is no longer an illicit affair...its an "open marriage"....never seen both BSs agree to one of those....the sooner the affair ends the lower the level of emotional attachment the APs have...time is important...

Yeah....a divorce is an option when dealing with infidelity.....I would rather have one of those than "share the wife".....I would, and did, everything in my power to end her affair...

I am NOT a shrink.....this is JMO....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 9:46 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5823 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I am always conflicted on this question. I am not sure I would tell the husband, but that is just me. The consensus here is that you should, but of course we all don't agree on everything.
Now as to your husband wanting to keep it a secret, I am not really seeing a problem with that. Of course he should be seeing a counselor, and it is always helpful if he has someone besides you to talk to, but be careful who you share this with. If you have your mind set on reconcilliaton, then be very selective. People who care about you can sometimes make reconcilliation difficult. They are so angry at the person that hurt you that they just want you to kick him to the curb.
Three weeks out is horrible. I would never want to go back there and because of the roil of emotions, I probably made a lot of mistakes.
I was late getting a counselor and I was late finding this site.
Thank God I did get some books and they helped a lot.
Hugs. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

My first therapist told me the same thing. She also told me that fWH's affair was my fault. She got a boot up her ass pretty quickly. My current therapist not only told me to tell she asked me if I wanted to met with the other BS and talk?


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3971 | Registered: Aug 2007
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Find a new therapist. Perhaps one that has actually dealt with infidelity on a personal level.

What you were told was wrong wrong wrong. You new to drag this shitstorm Ito the light of day. And I wished I could have been able to do that from day 1 unfortunately for me my Hs AP was a D attorney and had promised us financial ruin if we ds anything to ruin. Her name. And her trust fund backed it up.

So he's 70. Big deal. I know several 70 year olds that run marathons. I seriously doubt telling him will kill him.

Btw your h doesn't get to call the shots. You do. He is the one that works to fix things. You get to make the rules and if he chooses not to follow show him the damn door.

Successful R's don't happen because tw bs was afraid to be strong. Rather they happen because the bs was strong

Pull on your Bitch boots and do what you need to to heal. Btw don't warn your spouse tht you are going to tell.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
determined99
New Member
Member # 39507
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone. Your thoughts help alot. I like the idea of a certified letter, but couldn't she sign off on this?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: determined99
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

It is not the consensus on SI that the other BS should always be told. There has always been much debate on this topic on way too many posts than can be counted.

I know I were 70 and in poor health I would not want to be told. Now WS especially in the beginning lie so I would try to verify this information. If your therapist is working for both you and your WS and helping address the issues needed, I don't think this is a big enough issue to go against the advice of your therapist. Especially so early in the process. If you are having other issues with your therapist by all means find a better one.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

To those BSs who have a WW/WH in a LTA...that "let it die a natural death" is bullshit...had an BH on here years ago who's wife had been in a 20 year affair (hello "die a natural death")....and I feel for those who didn't "expose" as soon as they could...waiting for the A to die...

Actually it is probably more often the case that it is the LTA that can die a natural death right after Dday. Many LTAs continue for as long as they do because neither the WS or the AP can figure out how to end it. Often they have tried and failed. Dday is the motivating shock, long gone are the feelings of lurve that make shorter affairs difficult to end. I know this from many LTA stories here as well as my own personnel experience.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)

My STBX's IC was also one of these don't ask, don't tell, limit information, let the past be the past kind of guys. Kept me from getting information I needed. I did NOT like the advice he was doling out.

I now find out that he was screwing two of his clients/cheating on his wife, drinking on the job, addicted to porn, and just got his license to practice in this state permanently revoked. No wonder his advice was so screwed up!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I agree with buffalo. His answer is spot on.

So sorry you're going through this.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5668 | Registered: Aug 2007
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Please note that many stated general consensus.

We all have our own path and journey and in the end, we must ultimately decide for ourselves.

Reading this thread alone, it is clear that the general consensus is to tell the other BS.

conĚsenĚsus
[kuhn-sen-suhs]

noun, plural conĚsenĚsusĚes.
1. majority of opinion:
2. general agreement or concord; harmony.

Determined - we are here for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:14 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Geez, 70 is not that old. My dad is almost 70, and he would definitely want to be told. It's not like he's 130 with Alzheimer's.

My vote is to fire you therapist and absolutely tell the betrayed spouse.

Good luck whatever you decide..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I know what the definition of consensus means. I was merely pointing out the specific consensus that you posted in not the general consensus of many on SI. You posted that they MUST be told - I interpreted this as you meaning that they ALWAYS should be told. If I interpreted that incorrectly I apologize.

I will agree that the general consensus here is that the other BS is often best to be told. However there is a significant number of people here - even possibily a majority here, that believe that there are certain exceptions to that rule. If the other BS is known to be violent (of course WS use this as a common excuse/lie so verification is necessary) they should not be told - protect yourself first. I personnally believe that if it is an old affair that has recently been discovered years later that it may be best not to tell. In my own case it is an old affair that happened while the other BS was just dating the AP and they did not have kids yet. Now they are married and have kids and it is a few years later - I have choose not to tell. Others have other reasons for exceptions that I find sometimes acceptable.

The question here is if the other BS being 70 is a possible exception. By indicating that they are 70 the implication is that if you have information on someone that was cheated on should you tell them if they dont have much more time to live - I think that is a topic that is very much of for debate and I would expect many on SI to have different opinions on that. It is certainly not a general consensus in my opinion. Of course some on SI believe that ALWAYS should be the rule.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Content  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

ReunitePangea

Understand completely. There are always exceptions and always never applies to everything...

Determined99 - you need to do what you feel is best for you and your healing.

A lot of great discussion for you to consider.

Good luck and keep us posted.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Your therapist is an idiot.

IMO, letting another human being know that their health/life is being endangered by a cheating spouse is the correct thing to do.

STD's are rampant. A betrayed partner needs to be able to protect their health. We have an SI member in her mid-60's whose WH gave her HIV.

Betrayal is no joke. STD's are no joke.

Your therapist IS a joke!

Do the right thing. Tell him.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Hand Up! Tell the husband. He has a right to know. Wouldn't you have wanted to know sooner? I do. Took me 4 yrs to figure it out on my own.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Determined,

If you want to be sure the BS gets the info, use more than one method or multiple copies.

I still feel terrible that I believed that the other BS knew -- that he had the same DDay. I don't know if it's true or not. My fwh said so, because his OW said so.

So, I sent an NC letter quite some time after I found out -- because the OW came to our house, with our pre-teen son there, sobbing because my H was talking to other female employees and she was "losing him."

I sent the NC via email to the OW's work and personal email addresses, her BH's work email, and paper copies of the email to OW and BH's work addresses and their home address.

I was ready to go over to the BH's office in person if that didn't work.

Fortunately it worked. I did not want to cause her BH pain and embarassment at work, but I would have done so if absolutely necessary.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 866 | Registered: Sep 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

personal anecdote--I didn't tell for 3.5 months. They kept sneaking around. I told the boyfriend (and, ok, the workplace, his family, our friends, and kicked him out) and the affair ended that day.

I can't guarantee that will happen. But IMO without the light of reality, affairs continue to thrive.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8816 | Registered: Jan 2008
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Fire that therapist.

OW's BH called me. turns out that ONS from DDay #1 10 months before was an ongoing PA/EA.

My H was a world class actor (who knew??) going to MC, date nights with me, gas-lighting the pants off me.

If than BH hadn't called, I couldn't tell you if I ever would have known.

Let the other BS know.

Let the therapist pound sand.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3627 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 28th (Friday)

On the one hand, your situation is not going to improve with the OW's H knowing. It's not...in fact your H might be pissed at you as a result (I know, I know). On the other, it makes you feel - momentarily - a sense of justice.

Just make sure you make ALL decisions based on what is in YOUR OWN long term self interest. Don't think of it as being powerless...think of NOT TELLING as EMPOWERMENT.

By the way, I have BTDT. WH had affair with someone who worked for a company he in involved with (doesn't work there, but invested). Supposedly no one at the company knows what went on but there are a few who suspected something was up. Anyway, OW used her influence with president/owner of company to help WH's investment remain stable/undiluted. So if I blow the lid off of it, I risk shooting myself in the foot financially. Also, she is supposedly going to move out of town in a few months and if things go south with her job, that won't happen. Believe me I would LOVE to blow the lid off of this. That is what they get for hiring an uneducated cocktail waitress to an executive level position. But in the end it will possibly cause more damage to my own interests.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Remember that allot of what you know about the other BS is a lie. That other WS demonized their BS to justify what they were doing and possibly to gain sympathy from the OP.

You ABSOLUTELY should tell the other BS.

OMs BW discovered the LTA after only a year. Her husband (OM) told her that I was physically abusive and would harm my WW and possibly come after him.

FIRST. NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. NONE OF IT.

But that swayed his BS to not tell me. And here is the important part. OM and my WW took the LTA underground and it continued another 2+ years.

After my Dday I met OMs BW for lunch so we could compare notes. She was shocked that I was not the abusive jerk she was told I was.

You ABSOLUTELY should tell the other BS. Its the right thing to do. That other BS should have the right to know the truth about their life and so make the right decisions based on truth rather than lies.

One other thing.

ANY therapist that says to not tell the other BS should be fired. This person simply does not understand anything about dealing with affairs. This person is grossly incompetent and will definitely steer you in bad directions.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 28th (Friday)

XWH's AP's BH (follow that? ) found out about the A a few months before I did. He did not tell me.

I really wish he had. It would've saved me months of wondering WTF was wrong, and then the last month or two of trying to find proof. It drove me crazy.


Posts: 3153 | Registered: Sep 2006
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

i think therapists counsel their clients to examine their motives because it's generally not wise to act out of feelings of revenge or anger. Personally, I have not told the other BS and I don't know if I will or not, but it continues to occupy my thoughts most days and remain uncomfortably unresolved.

At first I convinced myself that I had to tell him because he had a right to know. A part of me still feels that way, and I feel a HUGE burden carrying this secret. (Like if I was on Law & Order and someone asked me if anyone had reason to harm me, I can now say YES!!!))

But then I got negatives on my STD testing, so that wasn't a motivator. I thought deeply about it and realized in my heart that I could actually truly walk away from not telling him and letting their own lives unfold on their own; what was keeping me stuck in feeling obsessed with telling him was in fact huge feelings of anger, huge desire for revenge, wanting to get back at OW, unleash havoc into her life as she did to mine. (even though i didn't DO the deed, i would still be the messenger and in my role would unleash pain and agony on a family that could otherwise live in peace).

I am not comfortable, and frankly scared, basing my actions on revenge because Confucius said: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

My therapist is not saying yes or no; rather how will telling him help you? And might there be unforseen consequences that might hurt you? These are important questions for me.

I still think that OW should take responsibility for colluding with my WS and helping to destroy my relationship. I wish i could figure out HOW! I imagined sending her my now 2x weekly therapy bill and wrote a "fantasy" letter to her explaining that paying my therapy bill would probably be less "costly" to her than my telling her husband, but that it was up to her which she preferred, or she could offer her own suggestion. Fantasy letter only.

In any case, many here on SI feel it's a completely black and white issue to absolutely tell, and I personally think it's a complicated human issue and there are absolutely shades of grey.

I don't know where I'll end up. The OW is already becoming less and less significant to me, more of a pawn in a game, so I may grow out of my need to tell or I may decide it's the right thing to do. It's hard to unleash such agony on someone; the relative merits of kindness vs. truth are not clear and this whole subject can be spinned in many ways.

Just thought I'd offer another opinion and dearly hope I do not encourage others wrath!!!!!

All my best wishes.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I personally care more about how the news is delivered than what the motives are. If I was drowning, I would not really care if the person who rescued me did it because it was the right thing to do, because they hoped to be a hero in the media, or it was simply another boring stress filled day on the job rescuing some undeserving asshole from the water. What matters is how it is done, not why the person did it.

As for his being 70 and maybe having a heart attack, that age threshold for a possible heart attack can be lowered a lot, to the point that most of us should not be told. There are possibly quite a few 70 year olds that are going to outlive me walking around right now, and I am at the lower end of the age where heart attacks are a possible concern, and in reasonably good shape.

Yeah, AP's often lie to each other about their spouses, and WS's often embellish those lies, or add in new ones one their own to try and keep things a secret. Next thing you know, a guy who is going to be upset by the news and yell is described by his WW as a man who will turn violent and beat her, then the WH describes him as an abusive asshole that will kill her and seek vengeance on the WH and his family. Get an incompetent therapist involved along with the normal reluctance to deliver such news, and people have visions of a multi-state killing spree.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it just the fact that the BH is 70 that makes the therapist think that he is at risk of a heart attack and close to death?

My 73 year old father may take issue with that, after he kicks your ass backpacking over a mountain. As would my 95 year old grandmother.

Unless there is actual proof of ill health I think his age should not be a factor.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Let's put aside the therapist's opinion, as well as any other for the moment:

I have gone through the gammet of emotions, but something is still plaguing my heart.

Please help!

I am so scared and want to do the right thing but am dying.

My therapist says I should examine my motives for wanting him to know and that it would probaly be better for him to die without knowing this horrible secret. I disagree but need advice!

Your words, not anyone else's.

If there is one major lesson that we learn after experiencing infidelity, it is that we learn(or re-learn) that we are the ones who control our actions. We get to decide what we will and will not accept. And that a part of our personal healing comes with a dose of individualism....with a certain level of channeled selfishness.

Selfish is not always a bad word. It is essential to use sometimes in our healing and coping. Taking time to focus on oneself...constructively...is often a mandatory path to a healthy recovery. And if your beliefs are to tell this man, then no doctor, therapist, friend, or forum is going to justifiably change your mind. Nor should they.

General consensus---tell the other betrayed spouse.

Your consensus--that is what really matters. The only motives that I interpret from you are those of a rational, concerned person.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

<<<<Shouldi>>>> Yes, tell the boyfriend. He needs to have his eyes opened now, so he can watch her if he stays with her. Why knows, he might have broken up with a really nice girl to be with this one. Also, in my case (and maybe his) my xwh left his kids for her. Maybe this will change his life. AND the OW in our case IS cheating on my XWH and he won't believe me, so if a stranger were to tell him, he'd believe it.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2149 | Registered: Jan 2012
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Catlover is correct. Just because someone is 70 years of age does not make them infirm or incompetent with resultant need for codling. To assume otherwise without specific health information is ageism ---- ignorance.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 386 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Send a certified letter "RESTRICTED DELIVERY" to him at his home address. Make sure that it's labeled as RESTRICTED DELIVERY. The postal worked is supposed to make the recipient show ID to pick it up. She won't be able to intercept it but she might be able to intercept the notices to pick it up. If that happens then you'll get it back.

He has a right to know that he needs to be tested for VD.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
anewhaven
Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

It is possible that if the 70 year old is told his wife is cheating on him, he will write her out of his will and leave everything to his children. Even better, children by a first marriage.

That would really serve her right. I say tell. It is his right to make a decision like that if he wants to.

He also may be suspecting, and maybe thinking that he is losing his mind or starting dementia, particularly if she is gas lighting.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

The other BS found out long before I did and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. I had years of pain and exposure to future, very risky, APs because of that. I hold some resentment toward him for that.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I was not told.

The other BS became aware, and I didn't.

I was suspicious, my wife lied, the affair ended, and for 9 years we struggled with my wife's emotional problems and sexual problems, on and on and on.

We went to counseling and dealt with imaginary and secondary issues. Nothing works!

Finally, on our first date anniversary, my wife confesses....after another disastrous anniversary.

Finally, we actually begin to work on her issues, the real issues, and stop imagining that it is me and how I interact with her.

Yes, it was hell, but so is thinking that there is something wrong with you that makes it impossible to have a full relationship with another person.

I wish someone had told me.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 38