Just Found Out
User Topic: Today would have been their big day...
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

WS has been having an affair for the last few months. Lucky for me, I got to read all the gory details. It started with sexting, and I mean, raunchy XXX sexting, and progressed to fooling around in his office, sharing naked photos of eachother, and although they got intense sexual satisfaction out of this, they hadn't actually had intercourse, which means nothing as they did plenty else.

Today was their planned day for that. They had some BS work related lie and they could.not.wait! There was sext after sext counting down the days until today with descriptive details about what they wanted to do to eachother and how many times they could fit it in.

I sit here and wonder what today would have been like for me had I not found out 2.5 weeks ago. How would he have acted when he got home tonight, a little lighter in his step and cheery or maybe even a little moodier or angry with me? The possibilities are endless.

I also sit here now wondering how much the two of them are daydreaming about what today should have been, had I not ruined it for them.

I effing hate today.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I don't have any words of encouragement. I haven't gone through this the way your are.

Your post made me sad, though. It's what I would have been doing if I were in your shoes.

Big Huggs to you (OC18)
BTW - I hate your username. You are NEITHER

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 634 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Oh Dear Old -


I am so sorry. I know this will be a vicious day for you with regard to mind movies and reliving all the text you have read.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Try to get out and do something, anything.

How is WH responding to your hurt?

We are here for you.

(((hugs and prayers)))

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

What an awful day for you!

Are you in IC?

That was what saved me from completely losing my mind after d-day.

I had access to many emails (the MOW's BH gave them to me) and they were very graphic as well.

They spanned years of the LTA and they were very similar to what you describe.
MOW was also a co-worker and they got together at work conferences etc.
Many of the emails were in anticipation of the next conference which could have been months away.
So...months of emails describing what he/she would do to each other.

I think that the anticipation was a big part of the excitement.
The big build up.

It's all smoke and mirrors.

They lie to each other,try to impress each other and flatter each other and then get into this graphic sexual one- upmanship.

Any way you look at it -it's a sick, toxic relationship.

Not based at all on reality.

That being said....I can only imagine what you are going through.
I was a mess for months after d-day.
Please try to take care of yourself.
Have you considered IC?

SI is great but you need someone to talk to IRL too.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Dear OC,
I am sorry, I cannot call you by your username, it just makes me so sad. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

Does OW's husband know what she has been up to??

I don't blame you for hating today. I only hope that you can make decisions that are best for you, with or without him. Take care.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone. I am in IC, in fact my next appointment is at noon today, thank Goodness.

Twitchy, thank you for hating my name :) And you are right, I am not old or a cow, I am actually quite pretty and in shape(I'm forcing myself to tell myself these things more and more). The name comes from that movie Someone Like You, she goes into a long theory about why men cheat, it stuck with me.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Edith, that is a very good question. I've been told the same story a few times by WH that her husband knows...he ALSO works with them, lovely, right? But, I'm not so sure, in fact, it's been eating at me. I would like some proof that he does, in fact, know.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Tough day for you, sorry. Please consider doing something special for yourself today in order to reclaim this date. Something just for you. Skydiving comes to mind - that would do it for sure!

Hang in there...

Posts: 1949 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

I doubt that the OW's husband knows about the infidelity.
That would be the first thing I would do. Out the affair to the MOW's husband. Don't tell your WH in advance of doing it. You don't want him to warn the OW.
If the BH already knows be it. If he doesn't know...he deserves to know.

My FWH went totally NC with the OW immediately after d-day.
A 5 yr LTA and then nothing as soon as it was discovered.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Hey OC18, when I read your User name I thought exactly of that scene in the movie you described! So I get it.

I also get exactly how you feel. My WH and his MOW shared raunchy skype chats and traded naked photos.

However, WH and MOW had a PA also. Because MOW lives 1000s of miles away, they only spent a grand total of 12 days together. BUT that didn't stop them from declaring each other their soulmates and planning their lives together!

I got to read all the gory details (skype logs) 5 days before he was supposed to leave for their next in person meeting. It was supposed to be at a work conference and they were "coming out" as a couple. Their plan was, he wasn't coming back home after he left.

Oddly enough though, the minute I found out, Wh threw MOW under the bus. WH even threw it in reverse and backed over her, leaving her stranded at their meeting location without a hotel to stay in.

Then WH drove the bus forward and left her stranded in another city with no hotel, because after the conference she was supposed to fly to the city he was going to work at and stay with him a few days there before flying home. Her airline tickets were already purchased and she had no choice but to fly to the second city and get a hotel room. And trust me, this is not a place for tourist stuff.

What would your WH have been like if you hadn't caught him? He would have instantaneously changed. He would have hated himself. He would have had to start demonizing you to convince himself what he was doing was justified. And he would have had to escalate the relationship with his MOW in order to justify it.

Just last night we were talking and my WH said that sex with MOW was actually disappointing. He had to pretend to not notice the scars and stretch marks all over her bad boob job, the belly fat and no waist (he likes a tiny waist) and the giant bat wings on her arms. So why did he continue?

It was the chatting. WH was in a clinical depression (diagnosed and refusing medication) and was looking for a stimulus that made him feel something. He liked the raunchy chatting.

He created a fantasy that MOW was some wonderful soulmate and that he loved her in order to relieve his guilt.

But he was in love with a fantasy, projected on to MOW. She could have been anyone. He ended up with her because she was willing to be dehumanized and treated like a pornographic sex toy. He even told her once she could make a career of being a phone sex operator. Nice compliment huh?

WH claims he never wanted to leave me and he NEVER wanted to be married to MOW.

He felt he had to escalate (say nice things, tell her he loved her, promise her a future together) the relationship with MOW because she wanted it and he wanted the sex chats to continue AND because he had to justify in his mind the cheating. If it's love it's ok.

Sounds twisted, but he never wanted the person. Just the online porn.

I doubt your WH is daydreaming about her.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
New Member
Member # 38091
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I've had a similar experience as above. I found a printed online message confirming a round trip ticket for next month for my H to visit his OW 'just friend'. I confronted him with this information and told him not to bother coming back. He started telling me how he didn't really want to go and confessed he was starting to see aspects of this woman that he really doesn't like (after 6 years, on and off!). I'm not sure what it will feel like when that date comes up on the calendar, but I hope I'm laughing at her being stranded.

Me=BS (60+)
Him=WS (65)
DDay1 = 6/25/2007, lopsided EA with former hs classmate
DDay? (so many in between as he never really stopped contact or trying to get with her) = 7/7/2013

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thank you Josephine, your post really helps. Although WH and "the troll" as I like to call her, didn't actually have sex, they did have a PA that included everything else, oral, etc, although only a handlful of times... Ick. It was all fantasy bullsh/t. Damn how your wife finding out can dump a bucket of ice water on that, huh?

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 27th (Thursday)


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

So sorry - what a horrible thing to have on your mind all day.

My experience was similar - although nowhere nearly as bad. The sexting was all day for weeks, but I only caught the last hundred or so...

I don't know how I would've handled knowing they'd picked a specific day, or how you're dealing with it at all... Does your WH understand how today must be for you? Is he being supportive?

I'm almost 8 months out and I've been reading/posting here for quite a bit of that time. Hope this place will help you the way it's helped a lot of us. You have lots of support and insight here.

Oh, and I agree with Twitchy - I don't like your username either! I highly doubt you're either!

It ain't easy, but it seems to get better.

Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

It is about the fantasy and the promises of more and more to come. The planning is exciting and they put these crazy glasses on that makes everything perfect and sexy. And yes, there is self hate after the glasses come off. My H was shocked and appalled that he had sex with a troll that had looked so appealing just days before.

I am happy you have found out, but keep open eyes. I too found an EA, confronted him, and got the appropriate response. Then, with a crying, sobbing plea from the ho, they took it underground and had a 3 month PA within 6 weeks of the EA DDay.

You have to stay strong and let him know you will not crumble. Do something good today and let tomorrow be the start of being in charge of your life, wherever you decide to take it.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My hope for you is that your husband is glad you found out so that he didn't betray you anymore than he has already.

Just know your amazing and he is stupid!!!!!

Posts: 343 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Although WH and "the troll" as I like to call her, didn't actually have sex, they did have a PA that included everything else, oral, etc, although only a handlful of times... Ick.

You have a recent Dday. Be prepared to find out it was full sex and unprotected.

Are you sure they were planning a first? Or just a very special day of sex?

I don't think I have read a story on SI where the WS didn't minimize and trickle truth. It is always more than they admit to.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Josephine, I can't be 100% sure, but thanks to the 38 pages of emails I read that were from the last week of the affair, what they wrote seemed to back this story up...but like I said, I can't be 100% sure. I've told him that it doesn't matter, it's not like lack of penetration makes this better in any way whatsoever.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 28th (Friday)

OldCow, everything your husband tells you is a lie. That's what cheaters DO - they lie to protect their own asses.

I can guarantee you that her husband does NOT know.

Take those 38 pages of the idiocy these two engaged in, and SHARE it with her husband.

There's nothing like a cold dose of REALITY to slap these back into real life.

You'll regret not telling him because the chances are pretty high these two will just go further underground to keep from being caught by you again. TELL HER HUSBAND - whatever dirty little plans they may have been hatching will be nipped in the bud when HE gets involved.



Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 28th (Friday)

You may want to consider that your H is a sex addict. The sexting/porn/ritual/secretive nature/risk taking/build up is part of the sickness. Take a look at this website.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I am so sorry for your pain today. I would feel the same way you do and I know it really sucks. I can almost bet you that your WH is not sitting around having fantasies about today and what could have been. After their A fantasy bubble is busted most WS's then start to realize what they did and how messed up it really was. He is probably regretting the whole thing right now and what he has done to his marriage/family because of his poor choices. The fantasy world is gone unless he is addicted to it and takes it underground which is what my WH did for another year after DDay#1. Only after DDay#2 did he start to realize that I was leaving him if he did it again. He was addicted to the high the A gave him and once again thought I wouldn't find out. Stupid since OW was in love with him and had outted him already on DDay#1 to try and destroy our marriage. She outted him again on DDay#2. He then knew he would loss me if he continued because I would find out eventually.

I would take today to make sure her BH knows. That would make me feel better to make sure that he knew. It would be sort of my revenge to WH and OW for what they did and her BH has a right to know everything you do. If he already knows then he might know more than you do. Absolutely make sure that he knows. Waywards lie to protect themselves in so many ways, when really all they are doing is adding insult to injury. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 28th (Friday)

From one old cow to something good for you today.

I hope your husband is in the closet strung up by his.....feet.


I am sorry, the pain sucks...but you are with a great bunch of folks who care.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 22