New Beginnings
User Topic: Should I look for others who were betrayed to date ?
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I am now starting to actively search out women to date after 2 years of divorce. But I may still be not trusting of others so I was thinking I might seek out others who have been betrayed so we can both be open books and not be secret keepers. How would I go about asking such a personal question without coming off as a paranoid freak ?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Being a BS doesn't guaranty you'll be honest, nor does it guaranty you won't ever cheat. Many who've been cheated on were cheated on by people who were BS's in their previous relationships.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:44 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I agree lieshurt, that it would not be a guarantee of fidelity but someone who is also coping would be more understanding. Isn't that why we are all on so we could be with kindred spirits ?

[This message edited by c6284x at 2:59 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I've unfortunately also seen (as well as read on here) that that does not necessarily keep one safe from betrayal. One would think a BS (knowing what affairs does to people) would never ever cross that line but unfortunately some do. So I think you'd just create a false sense of security for yourself seeking out BS's.

I also don't know how one would go about asking something like that without appearing to still be carrying a lot of baggage.

Then again I'm not dating and don't see myself doing so in the near future so what do I know! Good luck with your search.

ETA: I actually think most are on SI for advice and support (and such as in my case a safe venting space) Not to seek out dating partners.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

It wouldn't be a guarantee but I do understand what you are thinking. Someone who understands the pain and stress you have gone through means you won't have to explain it to them or hide it from them or pretend it's not a big deal.

What you said about SIers being kindred spirits I see this way:
I have IRL friends who have been wonderful, supportive, and kept me sane through all this mess. However, they see my pain but have not felt it. SIers truly understand what I am feeling. They have BTDT.

I have no idea how to seek out a BS to date though.

Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I wouldn't trust that a date fully understood her motivations for being with me, if she weren't well past the betrayal.

BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

someone who is also coping would be more understanding.

Broken people are attracted to Broken people. I would focus on healing and then finding somebody who is emotionally healthy. A fws who has done the hard work to deal with their issues would actually be a better choice than a bs who has not healed at all.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

OW in my case was a betrayed fiancé (though knowing her she probably was a wayward at many points in her life) before she went after my STBX.

I think you need to look for what we tell the people in JFO, General, and Reconciliation. Do the words and actions line up. And like many of the waywards on SI, there are people out there who have done the work and are the most amazing people.

Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My STBX was cheated on by 2 different woman prior to our relationship. I was actually able to confirm this to be sure he wasn't just lying to me..

This is a stretch, but perhaps some BS' take the revenge out on a new partner? Maybe they are trying to understand how someone could do it?

I don't know, but I agree healing from it is the important part.. BS or WS, all that matters is if you've done the work to become healthy again..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I personally avoid dating people with baggage, not seek them out.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:46 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

It's all just luck. I dated a man who was a BS after my D. His story was heart-breaking. His friends all told me what a great guy he was and his X-mother-in-law set us up. I thought I hit the lottery.

But he cheated on me the entire time we were together. First an EA with a MOW and then it turned to PA. It set me way back in my healing.

I then decided that it was me that was the problem. No one could love "just me." It was hell.

So seeking out another BS for dating is absolutely no guarantee.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7744 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I think SI gives us a false sense of a BS’ character. We aren’t just here because we are BS, we are an introspective lot, shaken to the core, we seek answers, go to IC, and exercise strong boundaries. I’ve met many BS in real life with a cavalier attitude towards infidelity. It’s astounding. They get pissed, stuff it down, and that’s the extent of emotion. They can easily become AP or WS, and wouldn’t know a boundary if it hit them in the face.

Look for character; actions matching words, honesty, integrity, self assurance. Trust is easier when you find that.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

But I may still be not trusting of others so I was thinking I might seek out others who have been betrayed so we can both be open books and not be secret keepers.
What I'm hearing (so to speak) is that you want someone who is trustworthy, and you want to find a way to identify those folks. Honestly? There is no litmus test for this. The only way to know if someone is an open book and not a secret keeper? Is to be around them. Get to know them. Watch words and actions.

There's no shortcut to this, just as there are no shortcuts to all things that matter.

And welcome to SI.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Broken people are attracted to Broken people. I would focus on healing and then finding somebody who is emotionally healthy

I think this summaries things perfectly. The emphasis should be on healing yourself and seeking out emotionally healthy people.

I presumed the same thing as you. My WW was a BS in her first marriage. It took three As from her XH to convince her to leave. Her mother had an A when my wife was a teenager.

On the outside looking in, one would think that being surrounded by the utter pain and devastation of adultery her entire adult life would be incentive not to stray. Wrong. I was so naive and missed so many warning signs. She never worked through things as a teen or her issues from her previous marriage and has maintained the coping skills of that disappointed young girl.

My vote. Emotionally healthy you and emotionally heathy date.

BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, June 28th (Friday)

The thing that concerns me is that you are thinking of seeking out someone who also is "coping" with the aftermath of an A. Whether a new person is a betrayed spouse is not nearly as important as the emotional stability of that person. I understand your thought, but I would be very careful about finding someone to bond with over the pain.

Only speaking for myself, I am so sick of all this shit. When I finally am ready to date and find someone I don't want our closeness to be based on this past trauma.

I agree that broken attracts broken. Be careful with thinking that being a BS is a favorable character trait.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 15