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Just Found Out
User Topic: He refuses to take the poly
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

He came home, we talked about other topics, then we got on the poly topic. I basically asked him again to take the polygraph, explained to him that by him refusing only confirms my doubt of his honesty.

To sum it up, he tells me that going through the polygraph would make him feel "little" as a man. Speaking with a stranger about his cheating would make him feel embarrassed and he swears on our children 's souls that he is telling me the truth. That there is no more to tell.

He goes on about how much I hurt him throughout our lives, and I tell him he was not a loving husband, always working and always shutting me out.

He seems to be remorseful and regrets the way he handled his life. He continually tells me how much I am the women of his dream, that he loves me, that he will walk through fire for me.

Yet, I ask him to take the poly, tell him do that for me, I tell him that it may make you feel "small" and uncomfortable, but you will get over it. He then goes on about I have to trust him, that he is telling me the truth.

Bottom line, I told him, "I told you what I wanted, you told me how you feel, I do not promise you anything". That is where we are tonight.

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Swearing on their kids lives, their dead mother, their favorite Uncle, their loved one this or that, that's right out of the cheaters manual too. It doesn't mean a thing because they all lie, and they don't care who's head or life they put it on.

He's blameshifting and making this an issue about you and the marriage and about how small it makes him that people know he's a cheater. What about how small it makes you feel knowing that he cheated on you?

I'm sorry, he's a jerkbag!


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger
.

Good, it looks like you're going to need to be stronger. You will be. You already are.

He is still lying.

I'm sorry you have to deal with his crap.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3626 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

What I get out of your message is that you are maybe looking for action from WH to back up or prove his words. Words can be pretty, shiny, promising...and hollow, empty, worthless.

Actions, like a poly test, have meaning.

This worries me for you because it's like he's looking for things to say to get out of it, where it could be all done and you could both move on already!

When Happy Pants did that, it became a red flag. I'm not saying it is for you, for every situation is different, right? But when I got a song and dance, my heart fell.

Yes, I'm sorry too and hope he will come around and be the man he needs to be.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger

Good.
You see that he is blowing a bunch of smoke up your ass. He tells you that he'll walk through fire for you but he won't take a polygraph.
So how about if you tell him that you'll start the fire and he just has to answer a few questions on his way through it? (*said very facetiously* and with an )

He's not remorseful. He's just sorry that he got caught.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8019 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

He seems to be remorseful

No. He is not remorseful. True remorse would be driving him to do whatever it takes for you to feel safe, happy and at peace in your marriage. If he was remorseful he would be willing to take the poly. Sorry, you are not seeing remorse.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. What are you going to do next?

Big hugs to you.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7818 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Ashland is very wise. Love reading her posts about perv/happy pants! Ha!

I confronted my husband by saying, "so we need to talk about this prostitute thing."

He said, "I swear on a stack of bibles I have not purchased anymore prostitutes. As soon as, I get home, you get that bible and I will swear on it."

I said, "so now, not only are you purchasing prostitutes, but you are lying to me and lying to God. I think I'm more upset about your dishonesty."

He said, "no. I swear it. I have not been purchasing prostitutes. Get the bible out..."

I pulled put the pictures I had taken of his phone with the text messages to the prostitute he purchased the day before, Sunday (which he made an excuse that he couldn't go to church).

I then read, verbatim, the texts back and forth "hey. It's Rex. You available." "no, just finishing with a client. He's a 2 minute no sex man who pays for an hour. Give me ten minutes and you can come up." "ok. How much?" "$225/hour, $125 hh." "ok. Get your strap on so you can f@@@ me"

There was silence on the other line. And then he hung up.

They always lie and they always swear on whoever.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My husband swore to me on our children's lives he didn't cheat on me. He was never unfaithful - in fact the problem was me! I really needed to see the doctor for my paranoia and anxiety.

We went to six weeks of MC - with him playing the role of long suffering husband trying to understand neurotic wife who struggled with the demands of his role.

Then the first admission came out.

Several months later - same vow - I had been told everything!

Another month - oh yeah he lied about that too. Another vow ten months out - "you know everything - there is nothing more to tell. I feel like a weight has lifted" yadda yadda yadda ...

11 months - "BTW there was another women - only once though I promise, I swear......."

They lie - even when they seem remorseful!

Cheaters Handbook 101


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 28th (Friday)

He's lying right now, He claims he would "walk thru the fire you" and yet wont take a poly.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I'm sorry he's continuing to lie.

My WH swore on our children's lives that I knew everything.

A year later I found out about three ONSs, a 2year LTA with married coworker, and a continuing f***buddy/sexter. They will swear on anything. The truth is much more difficult for them. The truth you do get tends to get minimized as well.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Actually my H did find the polygraph demeaning and humiliating--and did it anyway. This time when he said he would do anything to make it up to me he meant it.

I didn't enjoy it either, but he passed and we were able to move forward.

If he had said no it would have been a deal breaker for me.

Good luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 11