SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: He agreed to take the Poly
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

He agreed, now he makes me feel like shit. Yes, that is his specialty. He can do that, twist my words inside out.

Now he says, he will take the test, then he will move out.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Well, if he's gonna take it then move out, save the $450 and go buy a new Coach purse.

Emotional blackmail, what a brand new idea......

Remember....you're getting stronger

(((((livedbythesea))))))))

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3610 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Ah, that is the line just before, "if you can't trust me than there is nothing left," and "forget it, why should I take the poly... I'm moving out anyway..."

Which in WS means -- No you definitely don't know it all!! I'm sorry, he is still choosing to protect himself over assuring you and allowing you to feel safe.

((livebythesea))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Tell him to go fuck himself...


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Well, this is just another ploy to get you to give up on him taking the poly.

Tell him to go ahead and move out, and you will consider the need for a poly down the road if it looks like reconciliation is still a possibility for the two of you.

Be strong, and do not let him manipulate you.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ErinD
New Member
Member # 39671
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Sending hugs your way. I agree with justwow. If he is going to move out, take the money and get something u normally wouldn't buy for yourself. Spoil yourself.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: US
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

If he loves me as much as he says he does, why on earth would he say "I'll take the test, then I will move out". Why on earth would he not agree to take the test before all this shit happened tonight. if he is telling me the truth, why not take the damm test. That is what I cant wrap my head around. And to him, now he is upset, and when he is upset, it lasts forever. He makes me feel guilty and the whole nine yard.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

why on earth would he say "I'll take the test, then I will move out"

Because he sucks.
He can't *give in* to you without turning around and exacting some type of punishment. He's attempting to retain control of the situation. After all, how dare you demand that he make himself a *small* man by taking a poly? Who in the world do YOU think that you are?

Again. Tell him to go fuck himself....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

if he is telling me the truth, why not take the damm test.

That right there is your answer in a nutshell.

He's a liar, and he's still lying.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7803 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

what woundedby2 said. EXACTLY.

He does not want to take the poly because he is still lying/hiding stuff. He is pulling out all his tricks to manipulate you into caving. No poly means he gets to keep lying and keep you, in his happy little head.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3610 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My WH didn't want to take the poly until he came totally clean. After that, he willingly took the poly.

Your WH hasn't come fully clean yet and is trying to manipulate you into giving in. Stand strong!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

He's Lying.

Honest person Wouldn't care.

Especially, if it means saving a marriage.

When you cheat, you lose the right of respect.

You lose the right to be trusted.

He owes you. You owe him nothing. Not respect, not trust.

He needs to earn that back.

He should pay for his own poly to start earning that trust back.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

He is lying still. He does not want to take the poly. He is trying to intimidate you into backing down.

Call his bluff. Insist on the poly. Book it tomorrow.

If he would move out because you asked him to prove his honesty, you don't want him.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 836 | Registered: Jun 2012
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Call his bluff. And yes, if the poly shows he is lying- you'll kick his butt to the curb. Take control of the wheel!
p.s. dont forget to ask him if he needs help packing the suitcase he's taking to the poly.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Now he says, he will take the test, then he will move out.

Ha! Classic. He's threatening you to get you to back down. Don't back down. Have you thought about what your questions will be?

Next move--the "parking lot confession". Just before the poly, he will tell you another tidbit, then tell you "that's all there is, I swear." DON'T back down. There will be more.

Good luck.

Getting the truth is important. But in order to start reconciliation, his attitude MUST change. He has to own his shit. This is his mess, that he made all by himself. He has to acknowledge that he chose to hurt you.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8810 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Tell him to go fuck himself...

...then tell him to LET the door hit him square in his ass on the way out...

Asshat.

I'm so sorry LBTS...

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5027 | Registered: May 2007
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Everyone has told you precisely what he is doing.
The reason he is doing it is to keep you off balance.
People who are off balance are more easily manipulated.

It worked - in the sense that you're posting here in confusion and doubt, and you can't wrap your mind around it.

Specifically, it's nonsense, & you will learn, deep inside, that you cannot make sense out of nonsense.

When you understand the purpose of practically everything he utters:
keeping you off balance,

then, in time, anything that issues outta his mouf will become white noise, like the roaring of the surf, and your inner-self will tell you;
"He's just trying to get me off balance."

Be strong.


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Afraid2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Rather than taking the poly, I would recommend having a truth chip embedded in his cerebral cortex.

When he doesn't tell the truth, the chip causes his face to flush, heart rate to increase, and then choking begins.

It only takes a few tests before he will begin to tell the truth.

I'm pretty sure that you can find them on EBay or HSN.


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 28th (Friday)

You can choose to feel confused all you want - just don't drop the ball on making him actually own up to his shit.

As another suggested, I'd save the $450, kick his worthless lying manipulative ass out of the house, and go get me a Coach purse.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1715 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 28th (Friday)

He cheated. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You are working on trying to save your relationship, it appears he is doing everything he can to stop that. you told him what you need, he isn't willing to do it, even though he kind of sort of told you he would.

He is blame shifting, and gas lighting and doing his best to turn his issues around. I am so sorry he is being such a jerk.


Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2012
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I'm sorry, but I agree that he is not telling you the truth. Either he is still having the affair, or there is information that about it that he does not want you to have.

((((livebythesea)))


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 28th (Friday)

What he is telling you in a backwards way is he is GOING to have to move out after the poly because more stuff will come out.

Are you prepared for that? Meaning what are your boundries if he fails the poly? Lets think about that.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
crazycatlady
Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Two points:
1. He should be ready and willing to take the polygraph if he has nothing to hide.
2. Placing guilt on you for wanting him to take it means he is lying and manipulative.
My advice? Tell him to skip the poly, make him move out, see a lawyer, and finally buy a damn beautiful purse and celebrate.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

why on earth would he say "I'll take the test, then I will move out"

Simple---because he is not remorseful.

He very well may have told you everything now(although I doubt it), but he doesn't get it. He sure as hell isn't going to put your feelings in front of his.

So what do you do from here?

Continue with your personal healing. Emotionally detach from him until he commits to you and the marriage. Believe me, you will know when his remorse comes from the heart. You will not have to search for it.

Ask yourself--do you really want to live with someone who treats you with such disrespect?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 24