User Topic: getting over the OW
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW. He said it could have been anyone and he didn't respect her.

But during the A he was so defensive of her. When he told me he talked about how cute she was and how much he fancied her. And she was our closest friend and she lied to me, even offered to move in with me when he walked out. I find all that so hard to get over. It really is a double betrayal and I can vent my anger at him, not her. She was at our wedding, my hen night.

But I know its holding me back. But I hate her. How do you let go?

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 8:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

3yrs out. Still want to hurt her! Sucks! Everyone says don't give her real estate in your head. But, i have yet to figure out how to do that!

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Double betrayal is probably one of the hardest betrayals to get over. My husband had an affair with my sisters best friend.
You don't let the anger go but with time it subsides a lot. When I think of her now I feel nothing. No, that's not true, I pity her. Her and her husband swept the affair under the rug. They didn't fix their problems. It is only a matter of time that she will cheat again!

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

From your WH's perspective maybe she could have been anyone.

But she wasn't anyone! She was your best friend.

It sounds like your husband hasn't 'got' the double betrayal you have suffered.

Give yourself a break - it is still early in your healing. I think actually it is normal to hate the OW - particularly when it feels like they got off 'scot free' - it is unjust.

I am over a year out - I don't think I hate mOW#1 quite as much as I did initially. I still despise her. I think of her as a immoral , evil, selfish and the biggest manipulating liar I have ever encountered. She has no remorse and I have now heard from 2 people she has "no regrets and isn't sorry in any way" for what occurred. It is hard to make peace in in your heart when someone is remorseless. MOW#2 on the other hand is very remorseful and has apologised to me. Somehow that soothes some (not all)of it.

The most helpful thing in taking my focus off them is seeing that my WH has maintained NC, he appears to have no interest in contacting them (I still worry), his ongoing apologies and him being consistent in going to IC, MC and working on changing.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I have a similar issue with my WH's business partners. We were close for many years, when WH had his A they betrayed me. Everyone protected OW but not me because they assumed we were getting divorced and without WH they wouldn't get their big fat paychecks. They were horrible to me. One let him stay at her house when he wasn't welcome here, after having told me she didn't want to get involved. The other actually called the police to try to have me removed from WH's office and keep me from looking for evidence when WH wasn't there. I didn't know WH wasn't going to be there but since he wasn't, I was going to look through drawers while he was gone. What I did find was a bag full of my favorite jewelry my WH had stolen from me the previous summer and made me think I had lost it.

2 years later, I still hate them. WH does not hate them. He has lunches with them and swears he has to despite all the rent we pay for meeting rooms. This is a huge ongoing issue between us. OW? I didn't know her. I'm sure I met her at the firm Christmas party where she put her underwear in his pocket but I don't remember. She was someone else's secretary at the office. He's still never admitted to it but doesn't deny it anymore either. There's another woman who was spending too much time in his office after hours. His office manager changed her hours to keep the woman from being there late enough in the day for that to continue. She's still there even though he said he would get rid of her. He'd only said it because he thought she was leaving but he was wrong. Just another one of his many lies. His office manager was out on maternity leave when the shit hit the fan around there and she's the only one there I can stand... Not that I've gone to the office in the 2 years since it all went down.

If I can want my WH's partners eviscerated for their betrayal around the A... You can certainly be expected to continue being pissed off with OW. Seriously, there is no forgiving some things. There can be acceptance that some people are a waste of food and you are better off without them in your life. But even that takes time... without them anywhere near your life during that time. Too bad it's so hard to hold people accountable for their actions... I mean, if someone wrecks your car, they have to pay for it. If they are home wreckers they walk away with no consequences. That's not right.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

My WH gets mad when I show how angry I am at her. He says 'she didn't talk about you like that, why would you talk about her like that?' I said, she probably did talk about me, she just didn't say it to you on the off chance you might get defensive and she didn't wanna risk the grasp she had on you. I bet she thought about me and talked to everyone else about all those stereotypical things about the BS that the WS say. She probably thought she was saving him from some sad and horrible marriage and controlling wife. In addition, she had no reason to talk about me, I do. He hates it when I call her a name. During the A, he would protect her to the ends of the Earth...when he says things like this, I feel like he is still protecting her.

I have no idea how to get over OW. The most recent one was the longest and the one with the emotional connection, so she is the one I focus on. I rage when I think about her. Steaming coming out of my ears, everything. If I ever have the misfortune of meeting her, on the outside I will appear as carefree and unaffected by her as possible, but inside my head I will be thinking about beating her up in every way imaginable.

Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 37057
Wink  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I wasted to much time thinking about ow jut don't they are a waste of time.u enjoy your life and let them lead their sad little life's.
I've gone on to have a great time.and now makes me laugh she put her life on hold for all those years and ended up with nothing.
That is the karma!

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

First off, I'm sorry to hear about the double betrayal. I am also the BS of a double betrayal, and although I feel light years better now than I did 5 months ago, I still have my struggles.

One of my biggest struggles was figuring out how to distinguish between the OW and my WS (mostly in terms of who I was more angry/disgusted at). Once I accepted that not only were they one and the same, but that in all honesty, my WS was more culpable because of the betrayal he brought into our marriage, it helped me let go a little of my hate for her (just a little). Then, on the advice of some super supportive friends, I allowed myself to have all of the revenge fantasies I wanted, including come up with Plans A, B and C if I were to bump into her. Just allowing myself to release some of that anxiety and negative energy was really helpful.

Lastly, and probably the least immature (but the most fun!), my friends and I came up with our own way of warning the community of OW's 'unpleasant' ways. Because the OW was always baking cookies and dropping them off at my WS's business (which she did with the other man she cheated on her husband with before mine), we took it upon ourselves to make sure that others knew to hide their can PM me if you want to check out the tumblr's all in good fun and so awesomely cathartic!

Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 28th (Friday)

You are not alone. I HATE the OW to the point of daydreaming (daily) horrible malicious things happen to her burning in a fire.

I dont suspect the hate will subside anytime soon for me.

If you figure out the secret, let me know, but in the meantime...I feel for you.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 28th (Friday)

My WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW.

Really? Obviously you didn't WANT him to screw your friend. We don't always get what we want, do we?

I totally get where you're coming from. Double betrayal sucks. I will always detest xOW. That is my choice. But I choose to not let her occupy space in my head.

I chose to forgive and R with FWH because I took vows with him - I owe xOW NOTHING. She is a malicious, sick person and I choose to stay away from all toxic people.

FWH did the same defending crap too - "she's a good person" - "she respects you" (ooookaayyy...)...very frustrating. He gets sick to his stomach now as he knows her true colors and that he was an idiot who fell for her bullshit charm.

So "letting go" is something that takes time. You will always have feelings of hatred for her, but won't think about her so much as time goes by.



Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5073 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 28th (Friday)

...hit send too soon...

I wanted to ask - you refer to your H is "WH" - is he still in the A?

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5073 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 28th (Friday)

How I have been getting over OW:

Therapy revealed some significant family history and traumatic events in H's past that contributed greatly to relationship/intimacy behavior patterns which lead to eventual A. Also, H is getting assessed for suspected Sex Addiction (porn, intimacy issues with primary partner, risk taking, double life, emotional problems).

Bottom line: I realize that NONE of this was in my control or is a reflection of what I did or did not do in my marriage. The OW was pretty much just a piece of ASS and he used her to feed his addiction. She made it very convenient for him - apartment near his work, ability to get out of work on a moment's notice to be with him, friends with a ring of other girls who were up to the same tricks and into sex as well. Also, a friend of mine did some investigating and she found out that OW is notoriously after rich men. So, it's not like my H is so special.

Yes, I am still angry that this happened and about all of the collateral damage. But I have a healthier perspective on it.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 28th (Friday)

I struggled for a long time w/anger (rage) at wannabe OW and she and I never met. I can't imagine how I'd feel if she was supposed to be my friend.

My H had seen through her (somewhat) before dday, so at least I didn't have to deal with the fog. He did say he hoped someday I'd be able to pity her as a desperately lonely person, because he thought it would be healthier for me than rage and hate. I'm kinda almost there, but it's taken 3 years.

Anger and hate can eat you alive, but I don't know if you can reasonably be expected to let it go soon.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Thank you all so much for your wisdom. I'm ill at the mo so not up to typing much.

In terms of WH, that's what he'll be until I trust him again. He did NC pretty much straight away so not in A.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I do have disgust for the mOW. There are times Id love to punch her lights out & then take scissors to her head & cut all her hair off. She could have said 'no im married I cant do that to my husband'. I feel sorry for her husband cause he still doesnt know 6 months out. But mostly my hate & disgust is for My WH. He knew better. He knew what this would do to me but he didn't act like a man. I'm still in the how could he do this stage and am furious w him. I don't have room in my head for many thoughts of her.

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Getting over ow?? It's the betrayal that is hard to get over and if she was your friend that may not happen, this getting over her thing. Him defending her doesn't help matters. When my ws said don't be mad at ow, I started the sexting....I told him, defend her ass again and I will walk out and never speak t o you again, after I would give him a swift kick to the balls. Eff that. That sent me into a hatred of her that I never knew I had.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:13 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5127 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 28th (Friday)

He isn't so much defending as saying my rage at her detracts from my anger t him. He thinks that me going into rants about how much I hate her is my deflecting from how much I hate him. And it is to an extent. And I guess its also selfish of him as he finds discussion of her difficult as hes ashamed.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I think I am just now getting over the MOW. As much as her recent contacting me caused so much interference a week later I feel relived for some reason, like I can let her go now.

She said a lot of nasty things to me and what I finally realized is that EVERY SINGLE THING SHE SAID was not true except the tidbit my WH gave her a year ago. Even my WH said that she was batshit crazy and not to believe a word she says.

She apologized to me for bringing pain into my life and wished me well.

I actually pity her now. I pity her because she thinks that it is okay to have a relationship with a MM if both people want it. I pity her because she thinks the reason my WH is staying with me is because I might kill myself and that is not true as I confirmed with WH. I pity her because she is now a single mom struggling to take care of her daughter (her BS left her after I disclosed broken contact). I pity her because she thinks that I obsess about her everyday, which is not the case.

I can honestly say I have finally let my anger go towards her. She just became a non-entity in my life. She just holds no value for me and has no place in my M or in my life anymore.

I hope for all of you struggling to get over the OW that you get to that place of indifference. The OW really are meaningless and nothing.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37543
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 28th (Friday)

She broke the unspoken "girl code". After my first husband and I split up my now former married best friend started sleeping with him. I honestly wasn't mad at my ex, he could sleep with whomever he wanted but she broke that unwritten rule where a friend or coworker does not under any circumstance go after your current or ex significant other. It has taken a long time but I forgave her but I refuse to be friends with her or associate with her ever again.
You will get "over" it when you are ready.

D-Day October 18th, 2012 D-Day2 October 5th 2013
4 kids 12,11,7, 1 and one sweet little newborn

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: MA
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW

Tell him you will once he "unfucks" her.

Really, it is not his place to suggest when, or even if, you will ever stop being angry with her.

No doubt in my mind I will hate the MOW forever. Fortunately, she is hundreds of miles away, and someone I never knew. 2.5yrs post Dday and she is a non entity in my world.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Tell him you will once he "unfucks" her.

So simple, yet brilliant!!!! ^^^^^^^^^^
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5127 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 35316
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Almost two years out and I am really still waiting for an apology from the whore, since she works where I work. I don't ever expect to get one. So I continue to plot evil retribution ideas in my head. Not sure if it's healthy or not but it's better than going to jail. I think I will always hate her. I figure her Karma will get her one day and I'm very patient, I do make a point to rag out on her personal behavior (constant texting at work, making stupid decisions, etc.) to get her in trouble with her boss. Eventually I think they will see what a liar and a manipulative bitch she really is.

OW The weakest of the pack 41
DDay: 2/20/12 The most out of control day of my life
Trying to R - TRYING
DDAY2 5-10-14
Divorced 8/19/14

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: In a state
Member # 36857
Wink  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

He isn't so much defending as saying my rage at her detracts from my anger t him. He thinks that me going into rants about how much I hate her is my deflecting from how much I hate him. And it is to an extent. And I guess its also selfish of him as he finds discussion of her difficult as hes ashamed.

I think you're starting to get at it, with what you wrote above.

Try reversing the situation in your mind. In this scenario, you cheated on your H with his good friend. Now, post A, your husband is seething mad at his good friend and continues to be this way. Wouldn't you feel like, geez, if he's that mad at his friend and hates him that much, how much must he hate me? I'm the one that betrayed him the most. I was married to him! In this scenario, if your husband came to you and said, ok, I'm done with my x friend, it's you and I that now need to heal and grow,mean you see how that would make more sense, possibly?

I haven't experienced a double betrayal. I can't imagine how horrible that would feel. I'm sorry you're struggling with your feelings toward your x friend. But, I'm of the opinion that your H's betrayal is much, much worse. From what you wrote in your post, it seems like you might be minimizing your feelings toward your H and maximizing your feelings toward your x friend. If that's true, reversing your focus may help.

Best to you.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I grew up with OW #2, we weren't friends as teens though just as kids. I hate to say but I have always felt more superior to her and when I had to talk to her on the phone and did not engage in an argument it made me feel even more superior lol. She did apologize but had to nerve to tell me SHE is hurting because she fell in love (yeah one month of texts and a ONS is true love) which made me want to scream.

I have found myself directing more anger toward WS now that she appears to finally be gone. I do not trust her though and am thankful we live far away but it makes me afraid to ever go home to visit.

I don't think anything about the first OW. She was someone I never knew beforehand and has been gone for 5 years now almost as if she never existed and I like it that way.

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 12:13 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

You are definitely not alone.
My H also defended OW. He said, direct your anger at me she did NOTHING wrong. The defending her part is what really sickened me. Yeah, she is a real saint. Talking about both of them leaving their families to be together, saying she wishes her children were actually his, and not her husband's. I still HATE her.
Part of the reason I cannot get over her is that she had no consequences. She seems to be able to go back to her life without a care in the world?
Did you get to confront her at all?? sounds like so many of us on here did not. That adds so much to our inability to get any closure. So we resort to obsessing over the OP.
Big hug. Yours sounds like a double whammy, with it being a "friend" of your's. Nothing easy about that. I am so sorry.

Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The best way to get over the OW is behind the wheel of a large Humvee.

BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The best way to get over the OW is behind the wheel of a large Humvee.

I concur!! Until then, I will post happy pictures for her to look at.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 27