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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Physical but not legal separationÖ.
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 28th (Friday)

So, for reasons Iíll leave out of this thread, my fww is gone for a month. So even though she calls on a regular basis, I am trying to envision my time away from her as a way to be alone and find my peace of mind. We are empty nesters so I really will have no distractions.

I have no idea if she will stay faithful while she is gone and its probably not totally accurate for me to say that I do not care, but I am not consumed by those thoughts like I used to be.

I kinda miss having someone here, but I donít know that I miss having her here as it usually has some daily stress associated with it.

Did anyone here learn anything from separation? Are there things I should focus on or do while we are apart that might help me to better assess what to do with my M? I am kind of a loner, so I really donít want to go out much and probably wouldnít even if I Díd. I stay busy, but mostly with work and chores and random projects.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 28th (Friday)

We have been physically separated since the end of January.

At first I was worried he would cheat again but then I figured that was on him and I shouldn't waste my time worrying about it.

The thing that sucks for me is all of the household responsibilities fall on my shoulders and that really sucks.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5232 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Happy Pants went to town cheating during our "separation"-that's what he wanted it for. He created fights and pretended to go through the motions but basically wanted to try the world out.

He didn't get away with it for as long as he thought, though and is not thought of as the same person now. He lost a lot of good people who cared genuinely about him, but none of it mattered when OW came along-he was willing to ruin his life and marriage.

I, too, am very alone and supposed to be "working on myself". I have learned things during this time and also not learned things, for there is much I don't understand. I've learned a lot about him and a lot about me and people in general...I see through him now-he helped me do that the hard way.

But, it's also showing who I am as a person and not part of a couple, where I was extremely overshadowed by him.

It is as you say, Joeboo, where it would be nice to have other adults around, but maybe not always him. Can't seem to even spit without being argued with. I am also a loner, FWIW, and dating is not something on my mind, though pure and deep lonliness is. Pets only go so far.

One thing I did come to understand is what I will and will not tolerate from him, and now from anyone, and before was basically walked on by many people.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I know what you mean.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

The thing that sucks for me is all of the household responsibilities fall on my shoulders and that really sucks.
I don't mind the chores, but she has been doing the laundry on a regular basis since d-day and I almost forgot. That wouldn't have been good!


I don't know if that helps at all, but I know what you mean.
I appreciate the reply. Its been a strange few days; lonely, but incredibly calm.



Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

At the time I confronted POS about D-Day#2 he was working out of the area and I would not see him for a couple of months at a time. That really gave me time to reflect on what he had done and if I really wanted him back in my life. It also made detachment that much easier. When he quit that job and moved back home the daily stress went through the roof. So when D-Day#3 rolled around in March and he ran away it was not a huge shock to my system as I had already done a fair job of detaching and I already had spent time doing everything around the house when he was gone previously. More importantly it really made me see just how stressful it had become with him back in the house. And though I tried absolutely everything to salvage our marriage because I didn't want to be accused of giving up without trying, I was totally prepared to end it and there was no big transition.

Use the time to reflect on what it has been like with her there as opposed to gone and see how it REALLY makes you feel deep inside.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Use the time to reflect on what it has been like with her there as opposed to gone and see how it REALLY makes you feel deep inside.
So far I am just trying to de-stress as much as possible and not think about the A's and focus a little more on just me and staying busy. I am content at a casual pace. I don't know that it is any more lonely, maybe just a lot more quiet.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I know it is hard to "magically" make new friends, but I would attempt to try something that got me out of my own rut or routine. I am sort of a loner but when we separated I pushed myself to get out. I think while in a marriage we can get way to complacent in our own ruts as BS's. We have probably done everything for the WS (right or wrong) and now find this gaping hole of nothing, almost like a vortex, after the WS is out of the house.

For me I could feel the calm come over me, the drama and dysfunction was out of the house. But I still needed to fill that time I literally spent emotionally cleaning up after everything.

Finding yourself is really learning to get back out in life again. Everyone needs either friends or family or people at work around them. I hope you learn to reach out to others and let them be a part of your life in small ways.

JMO.


Posts: 5610 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
myownmaster
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I'm sorry if this sort of a t/j, but I have been following this board for a few years and you are one of the names that has stuck out the most.

You have given more than enough material on how awful your wife has been and you have also stated that you don't want to leave out of fear and whatnot as well keeping the kids out of it...but you never touch on any reasons why your wife makes you stay. I know the bad she has done to make you consider leaving. I know the fears you have of leaving. But I don't know what she does for you day in and day out that makes you stay. Is there anything positive she does that makes you think "Ya, I can work with this"?

I guess it's not really a t/j because it's something to ponder while she is gone, but I've been wanting to ask this for a while. Sorry if me bluntly asking you this offends you.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Finding yourself is really learning to get back out in life again. Everyone needs either friends or family or people at work around them. I hope you learn to reach out to others and let them be a part of your life in small ways.
There are people I can call on. Probably a few less since d-day by my choosing because I cannot determine their status. I keep in regular contact with my adult children but they both live a few hours away (in opposite directions). But we see each other at least one or two times a month and talk at least once a week.

I get what you are saying though. I seem to get along well enough with people and most show me quite a bit of respect. But I should take the time to find venues that are suitable to me whether it be a hobby or volunteering. For now, it is more quiet than lonely and I think I need the calm right now. It is very therapeutic.


I guess it's not really a t/j because it's something to ponder while she is gone, but I've been wanting to ask this for a while. Sorry if me bluntly asking you this offends you.
No offense taken. I appreciate any viewpoint and this one is no exception as it made me think about it in a way that I have never really looked at it. I know why I am not leaving, but not sure why I am staying. I think there is a huge difference. She can be a lot of fun to be around and as stupid as it sounds: with the exception of being a gaslighting promiscuous liar. I think she has her promiscuity under control, she doesn't gaslight nowhere near as often as she used to, and she has a lot of work to do on lying and I need to see progress before I can work on believing.

Maybe it shouldn't take so long to think about, but I don't have a very long list right now on why I am staying.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

She can be a lot of fun to be around and as stupid as it sounds: with the exception of being a gaslighting promiscuous liar.

This describes my WH to a letter and it was difficult to finally say enough was enough. The reasons for ending the relationship simply started to outweigh the reasons for trying to keep it going and stay in it. Everyone has their own limit, and perhaps this time alone will give you a real opportunity to evaluate your own thoughts without the daily stress of her being there diverting those thoughts.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 10