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User Topic: Your are on a first date, when your date says....
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 28th (Friday)

something that insinuates they might think you were a slut if they knew how many people you'd had sex with.

You
-say nothing
-blurt out "I've had sex with X people"
-wait till later to tell
- ?????

I said nothing. I mean, I don't usually blurt out how many folks I've had sex with on a first date. I consider that bad form.

But now, part of me feels like why bother with a second date when I know how he'll feel (supposedly) when he finds out. And by not blurting it out I feel dishonest.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I would say nothing.

On a first date, I would NOT be comfortable sharing that kind of personal information. Just... no.

If his comment left a bad enough taste in your mouth, I wouldn't concern myself with a second date.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I said nothing. I mean, I don't usually blurt out how many folks I've had sex with on a first date. I consider that bad form.

Of course you do! And what about bad form to ASK?????

This guy doesn't warrant a second date because he is

1. rude
2. judgmental
3. has already managed to make you feel bad about yourself for something you cannot change.

NEXT!

and (((hugs))) to you.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Classy! Not! Next!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Ok in his defense he was telling a story about a women he met online who wanted to have sex on the first date and she'd done this with 8 other guys and never had a second date (she offered up all this info to him).

So my date was even less inclined to have sex (which he already doesnt believe in doing that early) because of the number of folks she'd been with. Which I can understand from a risk perspective? I dunno.

Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion and assuming he's judging. He didn't ASK me how many people I'd slept with.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 28th (Friday)

That's completely inappropriate to be discussing on a first date.

And what would my answer be? "I don't remember." 'Cuz that's honest. And that would be the last date I'd have with that person. OMG, am I actually facing this some day again???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, June 28th (Friday)

To be honest I don't think that's an appropriate question until far down the line. And if I believe judgment will be involved I doubt I'd feel the inclination to ever share that, because I doubt we would be dating long.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:51 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Totally inappropriate story to tell on a first date. What a huge turn off!!!!
This guy is not a gentleman and has no sense of boundaries. Who wants sto hear about his previous dates sex stories. That's just yuck.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Sorry I can't stop double posting from this iPad!!!!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:11 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I would probably have said something like, "8 isn't that many"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13791 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I vote for totally inappropriate story and NEXT!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

To me, talking about sex on a first date is a huge red flag.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Jan 2010
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I think it's fine to talk anecdotally about sex on a first date and he was not asking about you. If and when he or someone else does, you paraphrase Andi McDowell and say "fewer than Madonna, more than Princess Diana".


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Ok in his defense he was telling a story about a women he met online who wanted to have sex on the first date and she'd done this with 8 other guys and never had a second date (she offered up all this info to him).

Context is everything. Was this about the perils of online dating and this was his war story (since he probably never dated cheesy nut man), or was this about how pure he was and how many hos are out there?

If it seemed at all judgemental, might I suggest American Pie and the Rule Of Three. Just don't play it like a girl, multiply, don't divide. If he seems really douchey and average penis size comes up, follow the same rules when answering.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Aesir - we were discussing the perils of online dating and how he doesn't know what the "rules" are these days and stuff like that.

I think I just jumped to conclusions.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I might have made a similar comment in that context, not being judgemental about the numbers, but puzzled by the totally alien concept of having sex with someone you don't want to have another date with.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Your feelings are your guide. If you felt uncomfortable, that was significant. If it didn't bother you then continue on. Everyone is different. If you go on another date with him and find yourself feeling uncomfortable again then definitely next him.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I look at it a little differently. He was sharing an OLD experience. I am sure that the pressure to do the nasty on a first date really turned him off. And maybe the number that turned him off was that she had done this same routine 8 times.

GDM and I have been together 3 years, and "the number" has never come up. We had any number of frank discussions about exclusivity, diseases, etc. before we became intimate, but I never felt like knowing "the number" was critical to really knowing him. Let's face it--we can all be pretty stupid in our youth or go through a patch where we do things that later we do not condone. Are we not more than that as we mature and go through life?

If you like him, I would consider another chance. At least if he says something again that smacks of being judgmental, you will know.

But seriously, I look at it that he was sharing a crazy story and maybe he was trying in a roundabout way to reassure you he wasn't a sex-crazed fiend who fell into bed with every Rosie Round-Heels he met.

When I think back at how GDM's actions early on could have easily been interpreted as "red flags," I am glad I gave him the chance. We took the time to know each other and in that time, I was able to make a good and informed decision on who he was and how I wanted to proceed.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29661 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Thanks all.

I've come to the conclusion that he meant nothing negative through the conversation at all.I certainly did a poor job of explaining how and why the subject came up. And that it was just ME who warped it in my interpretation. I made myself uncomfortable.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Sometimes you just can't win. Or predict someone's thoughts. I knew a man who said it made him sick and disgusted to think I was married for so many years to one person so I probably had a lot of sex without a condom. Which made him ill. He said with a penis, you can "wash" it off but a woman probably has "residue" inside of her forever. Those were his exact words.

He also said he could never have sex with a woman with stretch marks because if he saw them, it was "evidence" a man was there. Because a baby had grown there.

Honestly, I probably had less sex in the 25 years I was with my XH than a single person. He thought that was gross too but at least in his mind a single woman would have used a condom. I think he wanted a middle-age virgin, really.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

t/j
OMG, MIA!!!

residue?????

stretch marks are "evidence" that a man was there?

Holy cow!
Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

t/j

(((mia)))

I actually cringed. What a horrible thing to say to a woman.

end t/j

Given the further context, it sounds like anecdotal story telling. Which, if you are meeting someone from online dating... sharing online dating "horror stories" seems pretty natural??

You were there. You get to decide.

I have posted and gotten feedback and then a day later felt completely different than what I originally posted.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Yeah, I don't think it was number count that he was critical of--more the style in which he KNEW she went about the eight of them.

I think it is common to share stories of dating, and he just let you know that he doesn't find that behavior attractive.

I wouldn't want to date a man who had sex on the first date with eight different women.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

On a first date one guy was sharing the experience of online dating w me in terms of sexually transmitted diseases and how surprised he was to find so many people had herpes.. Apparently some people discuss all this over coffee on the first date to see if they might want to have sex with eachother in the future.

This topic was a huge turn off for me! I think he was expecting me to say I'm disease free and when I didn't engage he assumed I had herpes which I don't. Neither of us contacted the other after this date. I feel nauseous just remembering him bringing up the topic within the first 10 minutes of meeting!

Not classy.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
MoeGreen63
Member
Member # 6832
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Mia, I hope that guy's name wasn't Dr. Lector! Whatta Weirdo!

Posts: 14112 | Registered: Apr 2005
dead_inside
Member
Member # 3438
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm engaged to my guy, and I don't know how many women he was with before me and he doesn't know my number. What's the point? We both know we are disease free. I don't think it serves a purpose to know at this point? Past is past as long as it's not affecting me.


Me: FORMER BW
Him: WXH


Posts: 756 | Registered: Feb 2004
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Sometimes you just can't win. Or predict someone's thoughts. I knew a man who said it made him sick and disgusted to think I was married for so many years to one person so I probably had a lot of sex without a condom. Which made him ill. He said with a penis, you can "wash" it off but a woman probably has "residue" inside of her forever. Those were his exact words.
He also said he could never have sex with a woman with stretch marks because if he saw them, it was "evidence" a man was there. Because a baby had grown there.

Honestly, I probably had less sex in the 25 years I was with my XH than a single person. He thought that was gross too but at least in his mind a single woman would have used a condom. I think he wanted a middle-age virgin, really.

He's grossed out by a woman having sex with her own husband?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I remember learning somewhere that for cockroaches, after insemination, the residue seals the female shut so that sex is never possible again.

At least you know what to compare this guys attitude to.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Topic Posts: 28