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Just Found Out
User Topic: hpv for my birthday; did he cheat?
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Just got diagnosed with high risk hpv after 21 years of marriage. My Dr (and studies) say the chance it was in remission for that long is 3%. My H swears he's in the 3%, but...

My kids and I were overseas without H for 6 months last year. H has acted distant from us and took off his band this spring; also forgot my 50 th birthday. Also acted really shocked/guilty when I surprised him in his office after hours a few weeks ago, and he had a coworker leaning in his body space. He swears he looked shocked only because he knew it looked bad.

All this sucks, but doesnt mean he necessarily cheated. I am going crazy trying to decide whether to go through all his records, but he's a former auditor, so if he wanted to hide an A he could.

So...my IC says I'm going through PTSD symptoms. H is mainly defensive and not supportive. This limbo really stinks. Has anyone else found out about an A this way?


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 28th (Friday)

There are so many red flags.

(BTW, Welcome to SI- The best place you never wanted to be.)

The knowing it looked bad really isn't sitting well with me. Also, the being distant and taking off his band- and suddenly, shockingly, you are diagnosed with HPV.

The best advice I can give you is to stop talking to him about this stuff because it will allow him to get ahead of you and talk to us and we'll help you figure this out.

Just curious: was the co-worker much younger??

ETA (Edited to Add): I ask the age question because of the higher incidence of HPV in younger people.

My H got HPV from his A (with a 19 year old). Somehow, I didn't. He had a combination of high and low-risk HPV. He was one of the 1% who actually got cancer from it. He's OK now, though.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:16 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I found out the same way. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how incredibly painful it is. I found out three months before our 25th wedding anniversary.

I wish I had kept the diagnosis to myself and investigated instead of confronting. My WH came up with a lie. It took me over a year until I found out the truth. 3 ONSs, a LTA, and an occasional sex partner/ frequent sexter who was juggling several men. All without protection.

As ThoughtIKnewYa said, pretend to accept his story then rely on some guidance here to help you find out what he is doing. There are ways, especially once he is comfortable that you accept his explanation.

((hpv50))

ETA: If by some very off chance he is one of the 3%, great. If not, you need to find out. Also, please get checked for all STDs. Request herpes as it is not usually done unless there are symptoms. HPV and herpes can be contracted even if protection is worn.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 11:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here, though. What a shock for you to find something out like this.

Usually if it walks like a cheating duck, and quacks like a cheating duck, it's a cheating duck. Of course those of us who aren't cheaters want to come up with every possible explanation that means our spouse didn't cheat. Who wants to accept, or even seriously consider, that they've been cheated on?

It hurts to have the rose-colored glasses yanked off our faces.

I agree with the advice that you do some detective work. I bet that it will feel dishonest for you to keep this information to yourself for the moment. That's because you're not a cheater. You're honest. If your husband has nothing to hide you'll find nothing. So far you have a ton of red flags waving in your face. Please prepre yourself to find out more information that won't make you happy.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I am sorry. I would think the odds are that he did.

There are some red flags waving!

Have you thought about asking him to take a poly?

I would think if he is in the 3% he will be keen to prove it.

If he comes up with the usual excuses

"they are unreliable"
"I won't risk my marriage with one"
"That would be embarrassing and demeaning"

I would say you have your answer.

Do you have access to his text messages and phone records?


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I agree with the crowd. He probably cheated. You need to know for sure, so do whatever it takes to find out. Once you find out, then you will get a lot of advice on how to proceed. So sorry you have to be on this site, but if he cheated, this is the best place that you can be. You can avoid so many mistakes that some of us made because we didn't know what to do when we found out. Hugs, but FIND OUT!! K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1182 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry.

He might be in the 3%....doubt it seriously.

BUT what does THAT have to do with:
--forgetting a big birthday like your 50th?
---acting shocked/guilty when you show up after hours at his work...and some co-worker is there (AFTER HOURS) all in his body space???
---Why was he acting distant overseas? Does he give you a reason?
---What's with taking off his wedding band? Does he give a reason?

Again: even if it's the 3% thing...why isn't he supportive about you being sick?

But, overall:
I'd say he's a cheating, liar who doesn't give a FLIP he's infected you with a very dangerous STD. What an ass-wipe!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Oh my word, honey I'm so sorry you have reason to seek us out. You will find incredible support here, 24/7.

If you were to take the diagnosis of HPV out of the equation, there are still many indications of something going on. Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

His actions are making your gut instincts react, and as almost everyone here will attest to, your gut is almost never wrong.

Often the WS will think they are so darn smart that they'll never get caught, but honestly, there's generally something somewhere that will give him away, something that he thought would slip by, go un-noticed.

Go into PI mode honey, check phone bills, credit card statements, jacket pockets.... etc, check his phone and emails, if you have the strength to do it, wait outside his work and watch... or get a trusted friend to do it for you.

Knowledge is power, but not knowing will drive you nuts.

Right now he's hoping that staying on the defensive will put you off his trail, keep you off balance, keep control of the situation. But that's not going to work for you.

Please keep posting, this site is worth gold. There's always someone around.

There's a monotonous sameness to the way these things play out, lean on those here that have walked this path ahead of you, and almost always someone around who has dealt with the same issues.

Please take care of yourself, make sure you eat, sleep and drink plenty of water, your IC is right, PTSD is fairly standard around here, you're in shock. Hugs honey, lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Apr 2009
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Liars lie. You KNOW how you got infected.

Posts: 298 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I had red flags for years. I confronted him many times and as others will tell you here, I was gaslighted and told I was crazy and overly suspisious. Read my profile. I wish I had just some of the advice here and my crazy ideas would not have almost put me over the edge.

Anyway, you have our support, gather evidence, stealth mode.

Most waywards will deny, deny and deny more until you have proof. Phone records, that's how I caught mine.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Please listen to the advice of those here.... you are in deep denial, which isn't good for you right now... we have all been where you are and don't want to believe the things we have seen and the red flags that were waving like crazy in front of our faces... we are here to support you.
Begin the investigation... phone records, pockets, vehicles, every area of the house, etc... if he is cheating you will likely find other things that don't add up... VAR asap.... A liar will continue to lie and hope you will believe him....

As a woman married (and faithful) for more than 20 years if I were diagnosed with HPV- or any other STD type of disease- I would know it didn't come from ME doing anything wrong!

BTW... I would ask a few more questions to my gyno and do more research.... did the gyno ever test you before for HPV?


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Thanks so much for responding - I really appreciate it. I think this is the first time I've ever posted anything online...

Here are some more details, and a bit of a timeline. Our two girls and I were overseas from 1/1/2012 - 6/30/2012. H couldnt go due to work constraints. H visited us 5 different times for about a week each. We had been drifting due to both working too much for around 5 years or so. But we still got along decently.

While overseas, we would talk around once weekly through Skype, and email about twice weekly. Not enough, I now realize, but in all of our defense, there was a 7 hour time zone difference, and H couldn't Skype at work. When we saw him on his visits, it felt somewhat awkward, but generally ok. I guess it's not surprising to feel that way when you've rarely been apart that much before.

Upon return, we fought a bit for the first couple weeks, which we both attributed to readjusting. I hurt my back overseas, and it flaired up in August, and H was actually very nice about it. I felt at that point we had reconnected well. Since fall things were back to normal, with both he and I working too much. We each usually work OT a couple evenings each week. But it seemed that my H was too distant from our family, spending his free time working in the garage or surfing. If the kids had activities, I took them unless there was a conflict. I thought he'd been too used to being on his own, and we talked about his lack of engagement. But he'd also started ADHD meds right before we left for overseas, and I've often wondered whether it's made him overly focused on work and garage projects. He seems to get irritated if he's interrupted from the days task.

He took his band off last Feb when he hurt his finger in the garage (I saw the gash); that part didn't bother me,it's the part where he left it off for another 2 months after it healed. Again I his defense, tha band has always bothered him because he'd cut that finger off and had it sewn back on at 18, so it's got scar tissue. But he knows it means a lot to me to wear it.

He's been flakey about my birthdays and mothers day for the last ten years, but rally thought he'd get my 50th right. In his defense, it was on Easter, which makes it tricky, but I'd asked several times way in advance to celebrate it the day before. Then th day beofre...nothing, he worked in the garage. And on my birthday...again nothing. I was upset and told him of my disappointment, but he didn't do anything until 3 days later when my youngest daughter (11) basically forced the issue.

Then on 4/22 I was diagnosed with hpv and stupidly, I now realize, took my ob's advice and told my H. He did act a little strange, but I attributed that to the surprise of it all. I was upset for around the first week and a half, and at first he tried to assert that maybe I'd cheated, but after awhile, convinced him that if I'd wanted to cheat and hide it, all I'd have to do is say nothing and he'd never know. Plus I was freaking out, and that's tough to fake. He tried to be supportive, but mostly seemed irritated.

On 5/9 I surprised him at his office, which is at my girls' church/school. He was expecting us to call him to meet outside following a school function. We were all going to dinner to celebrate my work accomplishment, but we were early. He didn't respond to two texts, so my girls buzzed us in. It's important to note that I literally NEVER go into his office, he always comes outside. When I walked in, he was sitting at his desk, pointing at the monitor. She was in back of him, left hand on the back of his chair, leaning over him, also pointing at the monitor. The whole scene just seemed way too comfortable to suit me, but it also could have been innocuous, except...the look on his face when he turned around. First shock, then guilt. The coworker immediately approached me (I had no idea who she was) and congratulated me on my promotion. She mentioned her husband was also in the same business as me, but that she and my H joked that her husband was really a priest because his major had been theology. She addressed my 15 year old daughter and noted how much she'd grown. Then she left. My daughter turned to me and whispered "who IS that, and why does she know so much about us?" All the alarm bells were going off.

My H was pretty much monosyllabic the whole time, and wouldn't look me in the eyes. His normal m.o. Is outgoing, and would normally stand up and introduce me to someone I didnt know. We drove to dinner, and throughout the whole meal, H hardly met my eyes. I got the call about my hpv colposcopy results during dinner (could this get any more dramatic), and found out I wasn't precancerous. I lost it at that point and walked out of the restaurant. H followed and swore that nothing was going on. I asked if he had her cell phone number, and he pulled it up, handed me the phone, and told me to call her. I didn't; it didn't seem right. The weird thing about this whole scene was it was the first time he didn't seem angry at my reaction.

So there you have it. We've tried two MCs, who sucked, and today we try our third. I started IC two weeks ago, and go twice weekly. She's trying to help me with the depression I've experienced since then. she says I should figure he cheated at least twice, once while I was overseas, and once with this coworker (the latter has only started in her new job, in office next to my husbands, since last dec).

H and I have only discussed the big surprise visit three times since then. He said I could ask whatever I want, but then seems annoyed. Each conversation was maybe for 15 minutes. He swears he didn't cheat with her, and also volunteered that he no longer talks anything but business with her. He also says that she is "naturally outgoing, like me" and that I'm mistaking that for something more.

Some days he's happy and engaged with me, other days pretty much freezes me out. He says he's overwhelmed by work and us. Not surprising, since post hpv I'm going crazy trying to be a better wife. And...he lets me. Doesn't do much in return.

So there you have it. H is too smart to leave a cell phone trail. He has a separate work landline and work credit card, so if he wanted to hide an A, he could.

I don't know what to do...


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Also forgot to mention that he offered to take a poly. He wouldn't do that if he was lying, would he?


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Sorry that I keep forgetting things and reposting...also forgot to mention that I'm also a former auditor. So if I really need to audit him, I know how...it just seems so untrustworthy. I'm normally very trusting. I think not knowing for sure is worse than knowing and starting to deal with the real underlying problems. Or maybe I'm deluding myself. I'm also still hopeful he's telling the truth...


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Coworker is 5 years younger, and H is pseudo-training her because "she really doesn't know how to do her job". But it's not really his responsibility to train her...also coworker is married with two kids.


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Yes..he would offer to take the poly if he is guilty..he doesn't think you will follow through.

Do it. Set up an appointment. I bet he suddenly gets angry,telling you it's ridiculous,how could you not trust him,blah,blah,blah. Follow though.

You might get a parking lot confession before the appointment..he will tell you *something* and swear you know everything...hoping you won't follow through. Do it anyway.


Put a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car. Check his cell phone records online. Put a keylogger on the computer(dont do this if he has a work issued computer..but if there is one at home he uses,do it). And don't tell him about any of this.

I bet you get proof within 24 hours.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6648 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I'm sorry, but your spouse is showing all the classic signs of being in the middle of an affair.

Please listen to the advise you receive here. Read the articles in our Healing Library.

{{{hugs}}} You've just acquired over 30,000 new family members who will catch you as you fall and help you get back on your feet.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6329 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

My H's AP had a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer caused by HPV.

When I had my std testing done, I let my Dr know this. At that time she said if I were HPV positive they can tell if the strain is a sexually transmitted one. There are several different strains of HPV.

Did you Dr say this was a sexually transmitted strain? If they didn't say anything, ask. It won't answer all your questions, but might put your mind at ease a bit.


~L2HM~
Every Storm Runs out of Rain ~ Gary Allen

Posts: 5471 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
crazycatlady
Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

As for the hpv, I'm 97% sure he had an affair.
Other info makes me 100% sure. Always trust your gut, and your daughters gut. The gut never lies.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1711 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I'm so very sorry.

Is it possible you harbored the virus, dormant, during your lengthy monogamous relationship?

Yes.

The odds are very, very small.

The fact that you have other red flags renders it even smaller.

I am so terribly sorry you found out this way. I, too, found out about my husband's infidelity via STD; he gaslighted me, and I chose to believe him. It bought me SO much more pain.

I understand the impulse to trust, to believe. It's part of human nature.

But it can be detrimental. Keep your eyes open, and really assess the situation, clearly.

You may never be given the truth; I was not. If your husband is not telling the truth, he may continue to not tell the truth.

So it's up to you to assess the situation.

It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the fact that I had been given a disease that produced fairly serious illness. It took me longer to accept that it was an STD, and that my husband had chosen not only to lie to me, but to actively work to convince me that I had contracted it before him, or from a patient, or in any way other than the way I actually did contract it.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, that our spouses value their secrets and lies more than they value us.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA:

Not surprising, since post hpv I'm going crazy trying to be a better wife.
Stop this. Really, stop it. It fuels your husband's denial, and will take you bad places. He will turn this against you..."Why were you so intent on being a better wife after your diagnosis? You must have gotten it by cheating!"

And yes---many, many liars offer polygraphs. PRECISELY because their spouses then say, "He wouldn't offer that if he were LYING, would he?"

My husband was one of them.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:49 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

I didn't check up on my SAfWH either. It just seemed wrong. Until. Until the facts just slapped me across the face. By then he had had two PA and countless encounters with strippers, who knows to what level, and his SA had escalated.

We WANT to trust. We don't want to expose ourselves to the truth because it HURTS. But, like the kid who eventually has to find out about Santa Claus, we cannot heal from the things we don't know about.

Find out. Poly. Var. Whatever it takes. There is very little chance you got infected long ago. This is on him.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
HopeFloats2272
New Member
Member # 39264
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

hpv50 sorry you are here but glad you trusted your gut enough to seek help. I wish I had done that years ago.
No doubt that the not knowing is making you feel crazy. It's like you're a prosecutor going to trial for a murder case but you are also the judge AND you believe the guy is innocent! You, the judge, can't find him guilty based on circumstantial evidence and have to dismiss the case.
Now, you become the investigator. Get your hard evidence, as much as you can gather, before presenting your case. The trick is, (and its not easy) once you get SOME evidence, not to blow your cover cause he will minimize what you have found (as he has already done) and destroy all other evidence and this "crazy" state you're in will last MUCH longer. He will lie until you can prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is guilty...and even then, he'll lie some more.
I agree with confused615 about the poly. He offered cause he knows you won't follow through. My WH said the same thing. Wish I would have done it a long time ago. Just last week (1 1/2 years after D-Day (discovery day) I said I want him to take a poly cause I just feel (my gut) like there's more. Right then and there he said he made out with one more person than I knew about and a few other things. That's why we're not in R (reconciliation) because of TT (trickle truth!) All these great acronyms you wish you never had a reason to know.
We all know the pain and uncertainty you are in and just know that if/when you do get your hard evidence and hopefully a confession, we will be here for you as you experience a whole different kind of pain and uncertainty.
Stay healthy, continue to work out and get yourself tested for all STD's (in case you didn't know: there are 2 types of herpes; type 1 (i think that's the one that gives you cold sores and about 80% of the population has it) and type 2- the one you hope you don't have. My WH had type 1 but I couldn't even try to link that to his affairs and my gyn didn't test me for it cause I didn't have any active symptoms (cold sores.) That was a fun doctors visit


BS- 40, WH 38
Married 13yrs, 2 Sweet Boys-5 & 9
DD#1: 1/10/12- 6mo EA
DD#2: 8/23/12-revealed 1PA, 2ONS in 2010 and 1EA/PA in 2004
DD#3: 9/10/12- ONS w/friend in 2010
Lots of other crap and TT - basically I was married to a guy that forgot he was

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Maryland
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Mine agreed to the poly, told me about one incident and then tt. So go for polygraph use a var in office.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

Many WS's will offer to take a poly to prove they are being faithful.... then when the poly date approaches, they find some reason to be offended that you even have the nerve to ask them to take one so they refuse based on some moral grounds, usually "if you don't trust me, then we shouldn't be married anyway" type of garbage. They also often pull out a "parking lot confession" where they tell you something you could never know, often something really bad, and then say "that's it, there's nothing more" in hopes that you won't go through with the poly and get ALL the truth out of them. It's classis WS behavior, right out of the cheaters manual.

There are so many red flags in your story, in my opinion, the chances that he's NOT cheating are incredibly low. Especially how he reacted when you walked into his office, and the fact that the tart he was with knew SOOO much about your family. Her talking about her own H is pretty classic also... "throw the BS off by telling her I'm married too so she thinks I'm a safe friend for WS".


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

There is really good advice here.

As I am longer on "the other side", it is coming to light that no matter what -on earth or in hell-I did to "be a better wife", THERE WAS NOTHING. If cheating is going to happen, it's inevitable and nothing you could do will prevent it. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but I learned that from life and having mine and my children's life ruined at the hands of a cheating man.

I made myself physically and emotionally ill and a pawn in his hands, until I had the full knowledge of what he was really doing.

And I will tell you that he acted much as yours does-he was also very angry and shocked when I brought up the STD part of it all. He worked very hard to get out of being tested, when he could have been all done. And what I think now, is that it was forcing him to admit what he had been doing-to me and to others. He would have to look it in the eye. Many song and dance routines were to follow and that was a huge red flag.

Yes, the attitude of your WH bothers me. I saw that and even was yelled at by Happy Pants (formerly called Perv) and he defended OW and at times called me a liar.

It only took one or two "conversations" to realize that I was not going to get anywhere and his attempt at reconcilating were not real.

My STD results they tested while I go for pregnancy appointments and luckily have been all negative, but I do not mention this to Happy Pants. He didn't take things seriously before, so why would he now?

I also agree with the other posts that talked about the person your WH was with at work ...it doesn't sit well with me and that he was doing it in a room full of coworkers-just associating even at close range-it's so disrespectful to you.

Sorry for the long post, but the red flags are adding up.

There's a lot for you to think about now as you no doubt are and the quieter you can do so, the more beneficial it will be in the long run. Yes, the more you speak of it to him, the more clues it gives him.

The hardest part for me has been the shock of learning that the man I loved for 20 years is no longer even my friend or on my side. He is very willing to take from me and hurt me without second thought and at times I don't even know it.

It's terrible.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 29th (Saturday)

How would she know how much your daughter has grown? She can't have grown THAT much since December, right? And, where did she first see your daughter?

There's just too much there for it not to be something, I'm sorry to say.

I still think you should stop talking to him and go deep into detective mode. If you keep talking to him- and listening to him- he will twist your mind up like you wouldn't believe. Take it from all of us who've been there.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but you aren't alone. We're all here for you.


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
onlyTHRUthePAIN
New Member
Member # 39161
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hi hpv50. All I can say is I can totally relate to how you are feeling! I was diagnosed with high risk HPV as well and my H acted like he had nothing to do with it! After 15 years of only being with him and never having any issues with my Pap Smear results, I knew he was lying! At first not long after Dday he said that he really didn't think that he had passed something like that onto me b/c he and OW were "safe" and used condoms. This was one of his reasons for never telling me about the A. HE thought it was long in the past (6 years!) and he knew I would leave him if he ever admitted to me now. I got irate at that comment and let him know quite loudly that you can get HPV and Herpes even WITH protection. It also made me SICK that he knew damn well that he needed to use protection b/c he knew what he was doing was wrong b/c she was not his wife. ugh!

I dealt with a lot of "I thought you just got it from some other way" kind of BS stories from him before he finally admitted to the affair. Everything was all jumbled up for me...but finding out I had HPV was the last straw in which I finally got my H to admit to the affair that I had already knew took place deep in my heart.

Please, please, please go with your GUT! I went against my gut feelings for SO long that my H had manipulated the truth so much that now I am still confused b/c he had made up so many stories! It is sad b/c you WANT to trust your spouse! you WANT what they are telling you to be true....unfortunately they often use this blind trust against us BS's.

Take care of yourself and get a full panel of STD testing...also ask for the test for Herpes as well!

Welcome to the best group you never wanted to be a part of.


"Sort of" Dday 2/28/06
Gaslighted and told stories for SIX yrs (read my profile)
True Dday 5/2/2012..it all came out
R going very well...but really hard to trust someone who lied for 6 years...

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

When you said the doctor told you that there is a 3% chance that the virus was dormant all these years, I immediately assumed you meant YOU had it dormant for all these years.

Based on your comments about your WH's response, it appears he immediately tried to claim HE must have had it dormant for all these years.

Sorry, that is incriminating right there. He knows he now has HPV. He probably had a flare up of it while you were out of the country. His response was an attempt to explain away how he contracted it.

Your daughter commenting on the maybe OW is another huge red flag. Like another poster said, how the heck would she know how much your daughter has grown?

PLUS, this woman knows WAY TOO MUCH about your marriage. Your WH is sharing way too much personal information.

Lastly, my WH blew off Mother's day and my birthday during his A. He got absolutely vicious with the kids when they begged him to take them out to get me a present. In fact, all I got for my bday was an infection that looked an awful lot like trich, which my WH gave me the prescription for trich for, but which my WH insisted was a yeast infection. Giving me an antibiotic for a yeast infection makes no sense. I suspected something then, but told myself "No, can't be".

Listen to your gut HPV50. Your WH gave you an STD. If the OW has one, she very well could have others. She could also very well be sleeping with other people.

Take the 3% with a grain of salt HPV50. In reality, there is no way for researchers to absolutely determine when and where an individual has been infected, Period.

The researchers would have to obtain annual medical records for a HUGE number of people who went to the doctor every year for 20+ years and were tested. The researchers just aren't going to be able to do find those people and get those records.

That 3% are those people who the researchers really can not determine when they contracted the virus. Dormancy is only one possible explanation.

That 3% of "possibly dormant" people probably include women who have had normal pap smears for years and then their WH cheats and BOOM they test positive.



Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

If he says he will take a poly - get him too.

He probably doesn't think you will take him up on it - I mean he has offered so he must be telling the truth right????

You need to follow through - he may think he can beat it, you won't go through with it or you may end up with a car-park confession. What ever - it can give you piece of mind.

Get a VAR and put it in his car!


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

How do men get tested for HPV? I'm curious...because my spouse is SAWH and he got a clean bill of health for all of the other usual suspects but I did not see HPV as one of the ones that was tested.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Since you are an auditor I would suggest that you begin auditing everything that you can.
Check his old credit card bills for the months that you were away-look for restaurant bills that would equal two dinners, hotels,clothing stores etc.

do you know his passwords to the computer?

try to get all of his phone records , and like the others have said try either a VAR (voice activated recorder) and/or a key logger on his computer to monitor who he emails.

Do not feel guilty.

This is war.

You are fighting to save your marriage.

The bottom line is that you will not feel secure again until you know the truth.
And you cannot begin to reconcile until he faces what he did and is honest and transparent about everything.

And like others have said...they lie.

When I first confronted my FWH about the suspicious overly friendly emails that I found (and I confronted him in a psychologist's office to have a third party there)my FWH's first instinct was to lie and say that he and the married co-worker were just friends and the emails were just friendly.

It took me three hours at home that night to finally get to the bottom of it all.

It was quite a scene....and it escalated as my gut kept telling me to continue to dig...I made him call the OW in front of me to tell her no more inappropriate emails.

During this call he slipped up and due to this I realized that it was much more.

that was when he finally fessed up to the truth.

It was much more than an innocent office friendship.

It was a 5 year LTA!

They lie until you have concrete proof to confront them with.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
LisaReg
Member
Member # 22825
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you had to celebrate your 50 and fabulous this way. You deserve a true celebration so f him for that.

You sound level headed and wise as does your daughter. Get to the bottom of this and put the var in the car. I really think this will give you answers. It is the
time in yourshould be happy and independent. Kids are older and you can spend time on you. Think long and hard about what you want from this next phaof life. I know it is hard when the person you thought had your back put the knife in it.
180 and investigate. Hugs my friend.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 5:46 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BW (me)
WH(him)
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key." The Eagles

Posts: 913 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Anywhere USA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I agree with the poster above...SAWH did not confess until I had jewelry receipts from his car glove compartment a couple weeks after I confronted him with my suspicions (where I also had pretty good evidence - a letter came home from his health club notifying him that Female Friend had exceeded the number of allowable guest passes and there was some event he attended that he left the email for printed out on the sofa - it had fallen out of his pants and it was for an organization Female Friend supports - all of this was learned through a google search). Anyway, once I found jewelry receipts, I confronted him in the middle of the night and he confessed. I still think there is more - mostly porn and strippers - but this one lasted 2 years and she worked at a company he's involved with...he tried to keep going to the weekly update meetings (that was their date night). I told him NO F*ING way ---unless he wanted me to file for divorce right here, right now and then everyone at that company would know what tricks they had up their sleeve the whole time.

My situation, I sensed something wasn't right about 2 years earlier but I did not have any evidence. I did ask him "Do you have a girlfriend? Are you seeing someone?" but he dismissed it/gaslighted me.

I read the responses and I think people are giving you good advice. I do think you might want to consider if your H is addicted to porn. People with ADHD have a tendency towards porn and affairs and secret lives.

I'm not sure what benefit there is to further sleuthing. I think you know enough already - he is cheating. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. Do not ignore it. Cheating is usually about opportunity...and he certainly had it.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Thanks a million, guys. I am beginning to realize I'm way too trusting,

He did slip up, a little, today in MC. We were discussing boundaries, and I said that in light of our circumstances, thought i was perfectly appropriate to limit his conersations with his coworker to professional ones (eg not discussing me or the kids). He immediately said that he didnt want me leasing him too much, that he didn't have any friends and thought it was perfectly fine to discuss my job and work situation with his coworker because she also has a spouse in the same business (academics). He had told me that they weren't even remotely "friends" previously. Any way, within five minutes he made the statement that she was "one of many women I work with and no different." we'll...is she an important friend with which to commiserate, or isn't she? I immediately called him on the contradiction, and he had no response. The MC let it go, but granted, it was our first session, and she asked that the next one be solo with me. Oh, he also said that while she was in her current position for 6 months, she's worked at the church for several years, which is supposedly why she knew my daughter had grown. It still seems weird, though.

Thanks for helping me make a decision: I'm going to audit the hell out of him. I used to be a pretty decent auditor, so why NOT put those skills to use? So he probably didn't use his personal cell phone or our VISA; what else can I think of? They used to train us to think like a thief, so here goes...

List of stuff to investigate:

--work credit card
--work land line
--cash from an old bank account in his name
--personal cell phone deleted texts (he may not realize these can be restored)
--personal email deleted records
--His office desk
--His office computer

the first two I'll need his help with, but he's the CFO, so I know he has access, and those records can't be destroyed. Ill ask for these last so he wont know im auditing him. The last two I can access by showing up "too early" for a meeting with him. Lately I've been dropping by his office a lot more to establish territory so to speak (how desperate does that sound), and noticed the secretary is happy to let me into his office before he arrives. He's a memento saver of sorts, so my guess is that if they exist, they'll be in his desk. Ditto with his calendar, which is only on his work pc. I'll also have to ask him for personal email codes, but again, doubt he realizes some deleted emails can be restored. The good part in all this is that it gives me something to do that I actually can control, yay. so much is out of control lately...

The shocking part of all this is that ive been assuming he cheated while I was overseas only, but now I'm beginning to wonder if you guys are right, and he may still be seeing someone. My IC says its also possible this is an earlier stage EA, but regardless, it sucks.

p.s. I'll try a VAR in his car and maybe office.


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Places to look:

* gym bag
* backpack
* car - center console, glovebox, trunk, wheel well, under floor mats
* all pockets of all pants, work jackets, work shirts
* bathroom drawer
* tool bench & tool box
* wallet!
* briefcase!
* file cabinet

I found a treasure trove of disgusting stuff in a box that contained STBX's old resumes. I also found hair-raising pictures in a box right next to our church registration.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

(((hpv)))
Your list is good & NG added some good ones too. If you an access his comp try his FB page too (the PMs)
we're all here for you!

Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2012
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Ok, he uses Facebook, but I never have, so I'll have to figure that one out. I'll also have to ask for his passwords. My impression is that he's not on it very much, but who knows.


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hold off on asking him outright for his passwords. Maybe try to figure them out first . They are usually the same as the one he uses for banking etc. That may be less suspicious for him-that's what I did.
Others on SI asked for the password and checked the computer right there in front of him. They didn't want to give him a chance to delete anything.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Good ideas, but I don't even know what his user name is (Im totally not into FB). I think I'll wait until I've quietly gone through his other records first, then ask for the passwords and go through FB in front of him so he can't delete it.


Me: BS - 50
Him: WH - 51
married 19 years, together 21
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13; 6/30/13 admits EA; 7/7/13 admits trying to date other women for 3 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Also forgot to mention that he offered to take a poly. He wouldn't do that if he was lying, would he?

Yeah, he would; as confused615 said, it's when push comes to shove that it matters...and oftentimes they (WSs) think that the offer's going to assuage your concern. Mine offered, too.

Listen to your gut is the best possible advice. Not a one of us here thought we would be in the position we found ourselves, I think; none of this was supposed to happen. No one wants you to be joining this not-so-merry throng, but it sure sounds like something hinky may be going on. The fact that you *feel* something is wrong is paramount.

Going into information-gathering mode may be key right now. Best of luck to you; sucks to be in this position, but I'm glad you found SI...people here will help you figure out what's really going on.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 10:26 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Also check:
His suitcase (I found women's underwear (used) and Viagra)
Any drawer at home that would be considered his alone (I found her work name tag in his bedside table)

Definitely follow through with the poly.

When I found out I had HPV I confronted immediately. He denied. Said there must be another way to get it. We were firsts and onlies. If I had it, he gave it to me.

I made my husband hold my hand through my colposcopy. I was there because of him he could help me deal with it. Even after going through that, after seeing what he caused he had sex again with a woman he knew was juggling multiple men who were also cheating lowlifes. He didn't care what he gave me. He cared about risky sex.

Please protect yourself.

ETA:
For your sanity please stop trying to "win" him or defend him to yourself. We all wanted to believe in our spouses. That helped them get away with far too much. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 11:25 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Facebook's user ID is the email address you sign up with.

Check his email and see which account the facebook notifications are going to.

From there, try guessing a password. If that fails, request help for password and a reset will be sent to his email. So don't do it unless you have access to that email.

Also, create your own Facebook account and go online and take screen shots of his page BEFORE you do any of the above and BEFORE you "friend" him. See who his friends are. See what kind of comments he is making.

Also, schedule the polygraph. He offered. Do it. He was probably bluffing.

Look for skype on his phone or computer or other chat programs that won't show up on your phone bill. Also, do a search for pictures hidden away.

t/j someone asked if there is a HPV test for men. For women they can swab and test for it even when there are no lesions. For men they can not test for it unless they have a lesion to biopsy.

HPV50, there is something you need to start thinking about. RIght now you are focused on investigating. But you need to realize that if you do discover absolute proof that your WH has cheated, what will you do?

If it turns out he is cheating or did while you were out of the country, then everything he is doing right now is unbelievably low:

1. He would know he gave you a STD, but has told you a lie to prevent you from getting further tested for any other STDs. Basically, his dirty secret is worth more than your life and health.

2. He is going to MC with you, supposedly to strengthen your M, but he is in an affair. He is using that as a cover.

3. He has taken off his wedding band as a rejection of your M.

4. He is actively lying and hiding things.

Will you be able to R considering all of this? Do you even want to?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 42