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User Topic: So hard to leave, please help:(
Pringle
New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hi everyone
I am new to this forum, and I guess this is the best place to speak out without having the guilt of speaking to friends and family and tarnishing his reputation.
Well,I found out my fiance had had an affair about four months ago. This was 3 months before our wedding. Needless to say wedding was called off. It was with a woman from work. I snooped into his social chat networks and found the graphic details of what they had done together- i feel like that made it worse because I cannot get the images out of my head. Since then we tried to reconcile.Problem is I cannot get it out of my head no matter how many times he apologises. I love him so much and want my life with him but how do I trust him after this? A month after I found out I then found sexual messages being sent to a different female colleague. I tried to pack up and leave once I confronted him but again I broke down and stayed and tried to make it right. I manged to figure out his new passwords and started monitoring him without him knowing. I know that is wrong but it was my only way of checking up. He didnt flirt with anyone up until a few days ago when i found more flirtations messages to a woman that lives in another country. I am trying to pluck up the courage to leave but it is difficult to leave the man you love. And how do I confront him about it since I have basically invaded his privacy without him knowing??? We are expats living in another country-so I am basically alone and dependent on him (I do have a job)and i cannot pack up and leave my precious animals and the home we built together in this new country. I am shattered with no one to confide in. I stopped confiding in friends from home because I dont want to tarnish his reputation incase we land up together. Im so confused and lost-can a cheater change?


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hugs to you Pringle. But, you know you do not want a life with this man. If you marry him, you will have a lifetime of this. He has very large issues, and you can't fix them. Only he can, and clearly, he's not ready to do that.
So, the answer is yes, some can change, but some Don't want to.

We are all very well aware of how hurtful this is, but sometimes you have to walk away to heal. You will soon look back and say thank God!

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry, ashamed, guilty of. NOTHING! You should tell someone or everyone if you want, having help going through this is crucial. Find a counselor or even a trusted co-worker or boss. Lean on us here heavily, we've either seen it or been through it.
If you want to come home, begin to make the arrangements for moving your animals, etc. There is nothing you cannot do, just do not do it with him.
I'm sorry, I know this hurts immensely.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Also, weekends can be slow, so be patient waiting for those who can offer other opinions to you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Pringle
New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Thank you Fourever. I am glad I found this forum. The hurt is unbearable and its comforting knowing I am not alone.
Problem is, I cannot take my animals back, they were his to begin with and I have bonded immensely with them over the years we have been together. My small dog died in the moving of countries so they replaced that void in my life. :(
Thanks for letting me know about the slowness over weekends:)
I know in my brain I shouldn't marry this man, but its trying to get my heart to agree with my brain that is the problem.


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

If you allow your emotions to guide you, your life with him will follow this path.

He leaves for work earlier than normal, you run to check his computer to see who he is meeting with.

He hangs up the phone when you walk in the room, you start checking phone records trying to find a pattern.

He works late you get in your car to see if his is parked in the lot.

He pays too much attention to one woman at a party, you start gathering info on her because she might be the next ow in your life.

He says he going out with the guys and you swing by the bar to see who he is with.

This going to be your life if you stay with him you'll turn into "mommy "trying to corral the teenage son from doing teenager stunts.

You want a partner to add something in your life but not stress, self doubt, and depression.

When your mate tells you and shows you who he really is believe him.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hon, he has shown you what kind of man he is - believe him. You are not in love with this cheater. You are in love with the dream you had for your future and that is a fantasy.

All I can say is RUN. DO NOT MARRY him. You will survive the rest, but if you keep enabling him to hurt you he will. Get away from him now. You deserve so much better.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Do you love your home so much, and your job so much, you would risk being miserable for years?
It is painful, trust me!
In my case, my husband is doing everything (actions) to make the unforgivable right again.
Your fiance, is hiding his real life and back at it.

You must face this and be thankful (I know), that you are not married and raising children with this man.

But, as I said earlier, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. You can't. You can't make him be faithful, you can't love him into changing. It is simply not possible. Only he can do it.

Based on what you have said, I must tell you that you should be also be tested for STD's as soon as possible. I'm so sorry.

Stay strong, I think you know the answer, and what you must do. It sucks, but you will survive. Lean on us. ((Hugs))


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Pringle,

I'm sorry for your pain. You've found a good resource in this web site, though.

Definitely read,through the healing library, if you haven't already. It will help.

I have a few thoughts for you.

1. There is no reason to feel guilty about checking his email, Facebook, etc. he lost the keys to his privacy for some time to come, due to his infidelity.

2. This is a question. Has he been extremely remorseful, or just sorry he got caught? He needs to be feeling remorse if you and he are to,have a chance to reconcile. The fact that he is repeating his horrible behaviors makes me think he isn't feeling it.

3. Of course you love him. You were going to marry him, so this is all a huge nightmare for you, I'm sure. The question is,,is he the person you thought he was when you fell in love with him? We know the answer is no. So, unfortunately, he has proven to you that he is not who you loved.

4. Anyone that would cheat on their fiancé, I mean, come on?!.!? That's when things are supposed to be bonding together and feeling lucky to have found a life partner. If he can be faithful to you now, forget it.

5. So, is it hard to leave? Yes. But, how hard will it be when you are six months pregnant and he cheats on you? Although it doesn't seem like it to you, and I know the animals that you love are an issue, it will never be easier than now.

6. This guy isn't as wonderful as you think. In fact, he's the opposite of wonderful. You're seeing the true him unfold right before your eyes. He is a liar. He is untrustworthy. He,doesn't care if you hurt. ....traits you've been looking for in a husband? No.

Please, be honest with yourself. . When you look at him, don't see what you want him to be, see him for who he has shown you he is, and believe what he has shown you through his multiple betrayals.

Best to you.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 922 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

So sorry you are here. You did the right thing calling off the marriage. Please, run from this cheater, he will not change. He will disrespect you even more if you marry him now.

Get him out of you life. You are young and don't need this deception in you life.

Just think of it as dodging a bullet


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 575 | Registered: Mar 2003
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I am so sorry you are here. But gently please don't marry him. You don't want a life of this it is pure hell I have lived it and many others here as well. He is showing you exactly who he is, please believe him. He isn't going to change, he is not doing the work to change. If he really loved you he wouldn't be sabotaging your relationship. You deserve so much better then this. Please find the courage to leave.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
featherweight
Member
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Pringle, i am so sorry you are going through this. (Hugs) we are here for you & will help you get through it.

Snooping brought you truth, you had to get it yourself because your fiancée didn't think you deserved to know. You always deserve truth. Don't feel bad for seeking truth in a life with a liar.

If you stay with him in this state you will be teaching him that you will tolerate this behavior - he is learning that he can tell you a story and carry on as he pleases, just has to keep you out of his "private life". you will continue to struggle with this as long as you are with him & look the other way. keep your eyes open, stop worrying about him and start protecting yourself. You know you deserve better. What he's done is not a reflection of your judgement of character, it's all about his issues.
Be grateful you found out now, before marriage and children. I was 8months pregnant when I started to realize there were signs and reasons to dig for information.

Your life will be better when you stand up for yourself and stop living with his disrespectful behavior.


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

I say keep silently monitoring him. It will be your only way to see exactly what he is all about.

And sadly I hate to tell you but if he is chatting with women in other countries then there is more to this story. It is usually the tip of the iceburg. Sorry.


Posts: 5613 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

Pringle, how are you today honey?


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 30th (Sunday)


I'm so sorry, Pringle.

A good rule of thumb is this: If the cheater is a serial cheater, involved with more than one other woman, even if it isn't physical yet, then it's time to move on. There are some WS's (wayward spouses) who have had one affair, and then became truly remorseful, willing to do anything to help their partner heal. In a case like that, there is hope.

That your fiancé would move you to a different country, allow you to become attached to pets, plan a future marriage with you, and then cheat on you is unconscionable. It seems to me that he took deliberate steps to trap you. I would not feel safe with him or trust him. Please show him that you are not trapped, that you are able to get yourself home and to safety. I know how hard this is, but just keep looking ahead to your new home and the true love you are sure to find there. As you show him that you are able to take care of yourself and that you have self-respect, you will feel more powerful and less of a victim.

Don't feel bad about checking up on him. You owed that to yourself. It was a necessary method to safeguard yourself. As for outing him to relatives, it would be in your best interest to do so. Please don't hesitate. You need all the help you can get to get you through this.

Keep posting here. It really helps.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

I was engaged to man EXACTLY like your finace. After 35 years of marriage I have had enough. Multiple affairs, mulltiple EA's. Your fiance is showing you who he is, please believe him. If you marry this man you will end up with a shattered heart unless he does the hard wor of healing what's broken inside him.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 10:04 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1377 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Get out of this relationship now. He cannot stay faithful. He is showing you who he is.

Do not walk away, run.

Staying in a toxic relationship for kids or in your case animals is not worth it. Cut your loss, grieve for your relationship not just with him but with the animals. Get out.

But, you know you do not want a life with this man. If you marry him, you will have a lifetime of this. He has very large issues, and you can't fix them. Only he can, and clearly, he's not ready to do that.

So, the answer is yes, some can change, but some Don't want to.

^^^exactly


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

(((((Pringle)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24438 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I know you're hurting, Pringle. But he did you a huge favor by showing his true colors before your marriage. Trust me, better to find out now than after 17 years of marriage and 4 children.

Now, do yourself a big favor and RUN.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I'm sorry, Pringle.

And I'm worried for you.

Yes, it sounds like this is a man with issues and this is not a man who respects you.

I hope that you will find a way to work this out for yourself, for he is already on to other women and not taking you seriously.

I'm truly sorry for that and feel your pain, as someone who was extremely codependent and now totally alone and pregnant after being abandoned by a cheating spouse.

My shock from what he did went so deep that people actually yelled at me to try to wake me up. Friends shook me, showed me pictures...to try to get me to realize the fullness of disrespect that cheating really is.

On SI there are some other threads that talk about health issues that cheating brings to all in a household and I worry about that for you, too.

If you go on with this man without speaking up, even if it makes trouble, he may just keep doing it and he will know he can get away with it.

Even though I have this aching lonliness both day and night for a companion, I also finally feel some self-respect. I'm also told from relatives that they respect my choice for initiating divorce and showing Happy Pants and the world that I won't be treated that way.

I want more from life and more from a significant other than one who has no respect for me. I would wish that for you.

I, too, may lose a home and I'm sorry for your loss of your animals. I am having to make deals with Happy Pants to take with me forever things I cherish, even when I am not the one who did anything. It's horrible and animals can become some of our best friends in the world. Much of the time, the only other alive being I have to be with is an elderly pet. I hug her often and am thankful that someone stayed with me, for as long as I have her-so I know what you mean.

I would wish for you that it was possible to let yourself think of waking up with different walls around you, just a little tiny start to think what would it be like to not be with this man?

For me it was pure hell and agony to do, but I did it and he can't control me now.

And you know what? I hear the lies he tells other people and am shocked that such a person once enthralled me.

I wish you peace.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

You've gotten excellent advice. Please just be careful to delete your visits to SI from your/his computer. I wouldn't be surprised if his guilty conscience is inspiring him to keep tabs on you too. Be covert while you gather evidence and plan your escape!


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Pringle
New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Wow, the amount of replies and support from everyone brings tears to my eyes.
I know the right thing is to leave. He just has a way of convincing me that he has changed and will do anything for me to trust him again(of course this is well Im busy keeping my own tabs on him and I know he is lying straight to my face)
I will keep on keeping tabs on him and from there try find the courage to leave.
I told him this weekend that i was leaving-he is abroad at the moment(travels for work) and today i crumbled and said I would give hm one more chance.I wish I had read these replies before I had crumbled to give me the strength to stick to my word. I guess the romantic in me wants to believe i can change this man when the reality is that I cant.
I have told him that if he wants to be with me that I would never get married and we would be life partners-but then I give up my dream of having a happy marriage and having children one day.

Today was a horrid day. I saw a bride taking photos and burst into tears, it felt like my heart was being ripped out my chest. And I have been feeling this overwhelming jealousy for the OW. I never confronted her in the hole situation, nor the woman that he chatted inappropriately to. Did anyone here confront the ow and if you did did it make you feel better or worse? I know he s just as much to blame but how can the OW think that ruining someones future is ok and simply get away with it? I have seen a picture of her and it sickens me each time because in all honesty she is not this revolting person I was wishing her to be. The anger and the jealousy just overwhelms me and I cant stop but think I am not good enough. The effect this has on your confidence is unbelievable and it literally destroys your character.
I cannot imagine if we were married and had children how much worse it would feel because right now i feel like my hole life has fallen apart.


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Don't warn him again.

Get your family involved, ask for someone to give you the money to fly home.

Don't look back.

My WS did all this stuff you are talking about early in the marriage. Now, he's having an affair with his friends wife! Our children are friends and go to the same high school. He had the OW in my home, my bed, while I was at work! We have had to divorce, my children are torn apart. Their dad brings them around the OW, while telling them NOT to tell the OW husband! Meanwhile, the OW is sleeping with another Dad of a hs student. We have a boat, and now my children have to share the boat with this other family, knowing their Dad is sleeping with the mom!

I am in hell. Please leave. It is very very possible that in the near future,your X will offer to send the pets to you as an olive branch. Let the pets be sent to you, then tell X u will never talk to him again and put a restraining order on him.

These people are sick. You cannot know what is in their mind. You cannot help him.

You need to "grey rock" him. Look it up online. It basically means to get away from someone like this, you need to look and act boring.

Please thank God you found this out before you had children. They children can't change their father, and you would have to give your children to their father and the whore of the month forever. You can read under divorce and new beginnings on this site some of the people the BS have had to hand their children over to on the weekend visitations.. strippers, psychos, child molesters, swingers, etc. Your bf's illness is going to get worse over time, just like alcoholism....

Call your family and post here often, because we ALL feel your pain.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Pringle, try to wrap your mind around this: while planning a wedding just a few months off you start not 1 A, but 2... Why? You get caught - and do it again... Why?

I mean he could just walk from away from the wedding...? If he doesn't want you he could leave. You've even given him permission... so why?

See, the fact is he does want you! He is pursuing and trying to get exactly what he wants: a nice loving respectable wife at home, and whores on the side.

It is such a blessing really, finding out now, as painful as it is. Now that you have seen exactly who he is - the least you can do is believe it.

It hurts like hell, to love someone who is bad for you, who doesn't respect you, who would hurt you knowingly and repeatedly, someone who doesn't define love and marriage as you do... but there it is.

You can and will get through this! Because as Churchill said: When you are going through hell - you keep going.

Keep monitoring until you know you know what you know. Don't tell him. Let him continue to lie to your face until you see the mask for what it is. Truth may cripple you now, but in the long run it will make you stronger.

(((Pringle))) You are not alone!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

((((Pringle))))

Have you noticed a pattern in his behavior? Have you noticed he knows what to say to make YOU feel guilty?

Has he told you you are too sensitive? Has he told you, you are making something out of nothing?
Or that you are crazy or obviously making things up?

Would he be enraged that you snooped on him? What about if you told the truth about his behavior?

Hon, this man is abusing your good, kind, sweet nature. He is counting on the fact that your loyalty runs so deep that you would never leave.

Here are 2 books you might find interesting:

Women that Love too Much

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

OW is not the problem. She could have been a million other women. Your boyfriend is the problem. Your lying,,cheating, manipulative asshole boyfriend is the problem.

You asked for help. Everyone has given you the same advice. Did anyone say, "maybe you should stay with him. He sounds like he's worth it, all things considered. He actually sounds remorseful and thoughtful and loving to you. Don't let this one get away!"

Don't become your own worst enemy. Admit he is not who you thought and move on. You cannot BARGAiN your way out of this (let's see, we can be together, but not get married, no kids, blah, blah).


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 922 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
myheadreallyhurt
Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Big hugs!

Right now it feels unbearable and pretty much impossible. You're hurting a lot and grieving not only the man you love but the entire future you had envisioned and dreamed about. I promise it does eventually get easier. It will take a lot of time but one day you will be able to look back and be proud of yourself for getting out of the situation before it became so much worse (I know I wish I had but I stupidly thought he would change). We are all here to talk to and we all know your pain on some level, you aren't alone!

My WH said to me recently that he stays with the OW in complete misery in violation of a no contact order between them because it's just the easiest thing to do. He says that right now he's sitting in the nasty muddy swamp. In the distance he can see a glimpse of green grass but to get there he has to go across crocodiles, razor wire, and a giant flaming circle so in the end he takes the easier route and sits in the mud. Oddly enough it seems to apply to so many situations.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 26