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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Should I reply and if so with what?
Fooled Me Twice
Member
Member # 34824
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I received this from WXH this morning:

Fooled Me Twice,

I need to give you a few updates;

I have moved to a new address. The address is 12345 Prick Street, Im a Dick, US 66666.

My lawyer will be updating the courts shortly.

It is approximately 3 miles further than the apartment in Prick Town.

I have also adopted a dog from the humane society. The dog is an American bulldog, pit mix and is 11 months old. To ensure that he was going to be ok with DD I fostered him over the last few weeks and he is very gently and loving. DD absolutely adores him I wanted to make sure before I fully adopted him. You are more than welcome to meet the dog and check out how he is with DD if you wish.


I am hoping now that the divorce is behind us that we can now start to be co-parents to DD.

You have always provided me with information, but only if I ask for it, or ask a specific question.

This has been very difficult for me to find out about DD, as I cannot guess what she is doing so I can then ask questions. I really would like to get updated when something happens at daycare, or if she does anything new, potty training updates for example. So I would really just like some updates from her behavior and well being on a regular basis.

DD is becoming much more able to communicate and enjoys skyping with my parents, sister and her cousins when she is with me. I would like to also introduce this between myself and DD either Skype or just some telephone calls during the weeks that DD is not with me.

I miss her dearly and she seems to grow up so quickly between visits all I want is to be part of her life more.

I wish you all the happiness in the future and I really look forwards to us co-parenting DD and watching her grow into the beautiful girl we have together.

Prick

A few points:
1) Hes been violating the court order for months having cumdumpster around DD, but I was nice and did not file a contempt charge. We were just informed last week that the divorce is final.
2) He adopted the dog in April. So still hes telling half truths about that. And he knows how I feel about pit bulls.
3) Hes been late for months now with support payments. Always pays - but is late.
4) He bought this new house before our divorce was final and DD came home last weekend telling me he got a new house which I was suspicious about bc his Porsche was not in the parking lot of apt building only his Mercedes. Which means hes lied to me about where shes been.
5) As for me updating him about DD she changed daycare 4 weeks ago. I told him 3 weeks prior to that. Hes yet to go and visit. Shes 2 - I dont even know what it is he wants me to update him about? He does not text or call when I have her anymore to get an update.
6) He sent this to me this morning the start of my week's vacation. I swear hes waited on purpose to get to me.
7) The house he bought is our dream home. Its huge 4 bedroom. 2 car garage you get the idea.
8) I think this is him trying to start a ploy now to take DD from me alienation and all. Its not the 1st time hes bitched that I dont update him.

So what, if anything should I reply?

[This message edited by Fooled Me Twice at 8:32 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


ME: BS 33 (now 34)
HIM: WS 33 (now 35)
OW: 22, howorker (now 24)
July 2007: Porn found on computer along with profiles on dating websites.
DDay: January 16, 2012 - suspicious since Dec 2011
Divorced: June 11, 2013

Posts: 209 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Here and There
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I'm not sure how to reply, Fooled. But I'm sorry it's happening and have had similar behavior.

We have DD 10.5 and baby to be on the way, so will be "co-parenting" for a long, long while. What I notice is that it is more bullying on the part of Happy Pants than "co-parenting". I've learned I have to mention the lawyers and it gets him to be a little more ...cordial.

I don't know if anyone else will agree, but your WXH's correspondence reminds me of a.. covering. He did these things and it's no doubt that he would be aware what you would approve or disapprove of, so to me it's kind of like covering his a.. so that you can't turn around and say he didn't tell you.

Yes, here, too, Happy Pants is suddenly very interested in DD's life, but I don't know if it's because we're betwixt and between lawyers and a judge is hovering on the horizon? He spoke of having her "full time, to live there and it made me throw up. It also didn't work.

Courts where I live favor the mother for a large part of the time-you have to do some pretty awful things to get a kid taken away if you're the mom here-but if you think he may be attempting this, it may be beneficial to make a journal of things like correspondence, or keep them.

Co-parenting is a divorce buzz word that I can't stand, because it's the physical custody parent who does the gammit of things a kid needs while the other comes and goes and can be the "fun parent".

FWIW, DD and Happy Pants have phone calls every night and as long as they stick with the outline, it all goes fine. One thing that really helped was her to know he was all right. At the beginning, he abandoned us and went into hiding, so for her, it helps with her anxiety to hear his voice and know he's ok.

I am not a fan of Skype but my family is pushing it at DD here. She mostly uses it to make noises at them, so we keep to the phone.

That's my only thought, is that it can help a kid who may be worried about a parent who's not the "staying parent".

I wish you well and am sorry for your frustration.

We are moving at snail's pace through the divorce process.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Hmmm. He didn't ask a question. Just informed you of his wishes. I'm not sure you have to respond. But in the spirit of CYA maybe:

Dear Dickless,

You have long been aware of my concerns about this particular breed of dog. Pitbulls have a reputation for being unpredictable around, and a danger to, small children in particular.

If this is representative of your style of co-parenting - choosing of all dogs a breed you know I am not comfortable with - informing me after the fact - and taking in a dog with an unknown history - I am not impressed.

As you were informed 7 weeks ago DD has changed Daycare. She is adjusting well. Otherwise there is nothing to report.

FMT

Now I'm not sure about the above - (no minor children here, I haven't had to fight this battle) - so wait for responses from those with experience. (Cat?... that's your cue!! lol)

Meanwhile I'll entertain you with the response you really want to write:

Dear Prick,

I hope the dog attacks you in your sleep and bites your balls off! Oh, that's right you don't have any. I hope he bites your dick off so when I call you a dickless jerk I will be anatomical accurate!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Okay, here's my take:

I need to give you a few updates; I have moved to a new address. The address is 12345 Prick Street, Im a Dick, US 66666. My lawyer will be updating the courts shortly. It is approximately 3 miles further than the apartment in Prick Town.

Response: Thank you for the update on your address.

I have also adopted a dog from the humane society. The dog is an American bulldog, pit mix and is 11 months old. To ensure that he was going to be ok with DD I fostered him over the last few weeks and he is very gently and loving. DD absolutely adores him I wanted to make sure before I fully adopted him. You are more than welcome to meet the dog and check out how he is with DD if you wish.

For this response, perhaps first look to your legal agreement. Is this something that he was supposed to run by you first? You may wish to speak to your L about your concerns, but I have the feeling that there won't be much that you can do. As long as the dog isn't harming her or she doesn't have a severe allergy to it, I don't think that the courts will care. If you don't have a legal leg to stand on, then either remain crickets on this or say something like, "I would like to meet the dog as I do have concerns about that particular breed around children."

I am hoping now that the divorce is behind us that we can now start to be co-parents to DD. You have always provided me with information, but only if I ask for it, or ask a specific question. This has been very difficult for me to find out about DD, as I cannot guess what she is doing so I can then ask questions. I really would like to get updated when something happens at daycare, or if she does anything new, potty training updates for example. So I would really just like some updates from her behavior and well being on a regular basis. DD is becoming much more able to communicate and enjoys skyping with my parents, sister and her cousins when she is with me. I would like to also introduce this between myself and DD either Skype or just some telephone calls during the weeks that DD is not with me. I miss her dearly and she seems to grow up so quickly between visits all I want is to be part of her life more. I wish you all the happiness in the future and I really look forwards to us co-parenting DD and watching her grow into the beautiful girl we have together.

Response to all of this BS: CRICKETS. He's also her parent, and you're not his secretary. He can pick up a phone or drive over for a visit. Potty training updates? Is he for real? Does he not think that you'd mention something like, "DD only needs Pull-Ups at night now; she can wear underwear during the day." Does he want descriptions of her every bowel movement or something? Whatever he wants to find out is up to him. As long as you are telling him the important stuff, it's not your job to provide him with The Daughter Report "on a regular basis."

One exception, and that's the Skyping he mentioned. I would say something like, "If you would like to Skype with DD, please let me know when, and I will let you know if we are available during that time to set something up." I don't think it's unreasonable for any noncustodial parent to be able to Skype with his/her child, but it should be an arrangement that works for you (and preferably a regular one-- like every T/Th evening after dinner for a half hour or something along those lines).

Sorry he's being such a douche. (((FMT)))

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 10:10 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Document the skyping, when he calls what time, if a time frame is given to you for skyping and he blows it or is late document.

Document when and if he contacts the pre school or if he is late picking her up.

Document if he calls on the phone, start building up a log to dispute his father of the month claims.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

I would not thank him for the address. He has documented that he sent it to you. End of story on the address. Also, if he is to notify the court, he has also documented that he has not yet done that. Save this email.

Is the 3 mile difference in distance relevant to a new midway point/pick up location? Not sure what you need to respond with regards to that.

The dog.... There is no way for you to win here. I would want to see the dog and reassure myself, but I HONESTLY think it is best to stay away from this. Revisit with DD good dog behaviors (don't pull the tail, keep your face away from the dog's face,etc.) but if you go and see the dog:

1. The dog is fine, you give your "approval" and he gets the kickback of being right and smug.

2. After giving your "approval" the dog does bite and you are now on board with being liable for the dog's behavior because after all, you said it was fine.

3. You have reservations, you express them and NOTHING changes except you have proven that once again you have no power over his stupid decisions.

4. The dog actually acts out in front of you and it is "your fault" because the dog is fine when you aren't there. Obviously, your negative vibe made the dog act that way...

Stay silent on the dog issue with him. My opinion. The fact that the dog has been around for months without your input shows what your input will/can do to change anything.

I would not provide updates! Not your job. He can call the daycare and get updates if that is something they do. I would refer specifically to the email (if you can) where you notified him of the new daycare, copy their number and suggest that he contact them to schedule a visit.

The telephone/skype request I would respond to with something very concrete and specific such as on Tues./Th. (or whatever days work best FOR YOU) between 6-7 you will have DD call him at whatever number he requests. I would not say how long the calls will last. A toddler has a short attention span and not much to say. You should not be trying to force her to complete a set amount of time. Hell, my boys seldom spend more than 5 mins. on the phone with anyone- me, their father, grandparents.

It sounds like posturing to me. I miss and love DD and I want you to foster my relationship with her. Miss her and love her- great. But whine about it to someone else. As for the relationship with his daughter? that is his job to foster and develop on his time.

((hugs))

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 11:42 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

I was going to type out a response, but Caregiver already wrote pretty much what I was thinking.

Ditto Caregiver.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

^^what CG said.

Divorce cures the shit husband problem but not the shit father problem.

DO NOT give him any more headspace once you've responded. We cannot control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact us.

I have moved to a new address. The address is 12345 Prick Street, Im a Dick, US 66666.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

He did not ask a question. No response required.


Dont get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

No don't respond. I read this as part CYA and part trying to bait you.

As far as updating him about daycare, I would send him the slips you get from the daycare when DD goes to visit. You know, the ones that tell you nothing except if she needed a bandaide. That will be YOUR CYA. Also if the day care sends any automatic emails to all parent, then give them his email address so he gets them too. That way he gets the exact same information that you do. (remember this when she starts elementary school and make sure you get his address to the PTA and the school and the newsletter; That way he gets all the mundane emails that are sent out, and there are a LOT of them! ) I personally think he is asking for "more information" because he is having trouble communicating with a toddler and wants you to provide prompts to get responses from DD. FTG. He is now on his own trying to figure out how to communicate with his child. And just wait until she is a teenager when they deem one word answers as too much communication!

Good luck!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Topic Posts: 10