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User Topic: Dont want to ask q's scared of. Answers
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Is it a bad idea to not ask q's about the affair? My H has been very forthcoming and answered all my q's honestly but I dont want to ask for fear of the answers. We Are in R and tired of hurting.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I think it depends.

I never asked graphic sex questions.

I asked more about feelings, whens and whys...

You can't unknow something but OTOH the truth is the truth.

Let the questions that you aren't sure about sit for a bit, if they nag at you ask, if they go away you didn't really want to know.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I don't think it's bad. If you have the big picture and satisfied you know most of the story, then not everyone needs all the graphic details.

I think all BS's struggle with what kind of questions to ask. In my experience on SI, I have seen some BS's wanting every minute detail, while others are satisfied with just knowing the big picture, and everything in between.

Before you ask a question, know in your mind what the worst answer may be, and then decide if you can deal with it. As you know, once you hear something, it cannot be taken back.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5643 | Registered: Aug 2007
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I asked ALL the questions. I know all of the graphic sex happenings. I know as much as I could possibly get out of him.

I don't regret it.

But I think you have to know yourself and decide what is best for you.

What are you afraid to hear?


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

This is very typical. You are afraid of more trauma so you don't want to expose yourself to it.

Whether or not you need to know more answers depends on you. There is an excellent article in the Healing Library called "Joseph's Letter." It's commonly used to help WS's understand why they should be truthful about details but it may help you in this case.

I think the issue may resolve itself with time and IC and later MC. You will know what you need to know.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3526 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

This is so very hard. I thank you for the advise.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I find I have to ask everything that pops in my head or it eats at me. I find that once I have the answer I'm able to process it and move on.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

(((SS1970)))....I understand your fear. I wrote down about 30 questions. I would pick away at them asking a few at a time and would do in reporter or cop frame of mind. That is, when I was composed.

Some answers would generate more questions. Our therapist suggested we spend 15 min/night on this. ha ha I think we spent about 60 + in the beginning and then it waned.

I knew when the main questions were done. I felt it in my heart and there was nothing tormenting me. I looked at the list the other day - there were 3-4 left and I thought, "I don't care about this and I don't need to know about that."

It is hard SS. Never in my life did I think I would be doing this.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2277 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

No idea if this will stay but lately - I am mostly at the point of not wanting to know anymore. I have enough info to know the story. I may change my mind but for now - I won't ask anymore questions. Not about details anyways. It doesn't matter what color shirt he wore when he fucked her, just that he did.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

IDK ... if you're scared of the answers, what will happen if you hear the answers inadvertently in the future?

My vote is to ask the Qs you want to ask and the Qs for which the answer are scary. Better to know one way or another than to wonder about a possible deal killer.

You're stronger than you think - if a feared sitch turns out to be true, trust yourself to figure out how to handle it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:22 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RedRaven6500
Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

redrock and princesspeach - I feel the same way. I HAD to know! If a question popped into my mind, then I had to ask, otherwise it would nag at me. Just know yourself, and what you can take. If the graphic details are too much, then ask, general questions, or stop the your H/W if too many details are making you uncomfortable. In the end, I wanted to know everything, in detail. My H had a harder time with it than I did. The fact I was asking him to explain, in detail, what I wanted to know, bugged him more than it did for me to hear it. I think he was so able to justify his sh!tty actions to himself, that hearing him say out loud what he did to us and our marriage, has made him realize what horrible choices he has made in the past, and that he doesn't want to repeat them.


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

i was afraid to ask questions or push things at times for fear of what i might hear. i was afraid of the truth..or fighting for it. but in the end...as painful as it is, i am glad i know exactly what my husband is capable of doing, and what he did. breaks my heart...but at least i know.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 12