User Topic: DDay #2 - Divorcing. Any advice?
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I came to this site 5 years ago after learning about my wayward husband's ONS.

We had worked hard on reconciliation. Went to counseling, transparency, the whole nine yards. He was the model WH.

I even posted in the reconciliation forum just last year about how great things were.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. I find over 100 texts from a different other woman. Standard b.s. "I love you... I miss you... smiley faces." My gut had been screaming for the past 6 weeks that something was up but he kept gaslighting me. And, I would tell myself that there was no way he would do this to me... again.

Guess I was wrong.

We share 2 sons. They are 5 and 7. Clearly, it is very early in the game. He says he wants a divorce and I'm okay with that. I think even if he snapped out of the fog and asked me to come home, I would tell him no. I went through this all before and it was tough enough. After this, I could never trust him again.

Any advice on what to do, what not to do. My parents have welcomed me and my sons with open arms. We have started the process of moving in with them. I truly do not want the responsibility of owning our home by myself. I only work part-time so that I'm available for our sons. My WH says that he will keep the house so we will have to work on getting that refinanced in his name alone. Other than that we really don't have any other assets besides one vehicle that is owned out-right and titled in both our names. I have my own vehicle that I came into our marriage with and it is solely in my name. I'm most concerned about the house because it was just recently purchased.

And obviously I'm worried about custody.

I have been as civil as I can be but as I said its only been 3 days since I found out and confronted him. I'm familiar with the roller coaster so I know it can easily go downhill very quickly. He has his head so deep in a fog with this OW that its frightening. I'm trying to just focus on my boys. I told him that he can file and start all the paperwork.

I have gotten a tremendous amount of support from my parents as well as a few people from my church. But, I really felt compelled to come back here. I know this has gotten quite lengthy but again, any support would be welcomed.

Thank you.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 8:46 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 36849
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

(((hangingontohope7))) I'm really sorry. I know how much the new DDs hurt. Others will be along soon with good advice. But it sounds to me like you know exactly what you are doing and are clear in what you want and need. I'm glad your parents are there for you. Having family support is worth its weight in gold. Hang in there!

Me: BS, 37
Many DDs over the last half of the marriage. He probably cheated all along.
Divorce is underway.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

dont worry about custody. just keep doing what you are. stay strong as much as you can around kids and him... and put your life together in a new way. get into counseling so vent and hear stories. that helped me alot.

6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Sorry you find yourself here, you must be devastated. It's great that your family is being so supportive.

My advice is to consult a lawyer immediately, before you move out. In some cases this could be regarded as abandonment and could impact whether or not you are awarded any equity in the house. You need to find out exactly what you are entitled to under the laws of your state. You said you only have the house but does your WH have 401K or retirement, you may be entitled to a portion of that. You might also get reassured about custody.

As hard as it is, you have to protect your financial future and that of your kids, so please get legal advice before making any decisions. Good luck.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I agree with neverbeokay, seek a lawyers advice before you do anything. I understand the need to get out for you own sanity but you need to protect your financial future first, it is important for your children too.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 1st (Monday)

^^Ditto neverbeokay

Please be gentle with yourself. I only had a 3m False R and as much as I regret it I think it did help me see him and cured the 'what ifs'.

There's a tag line here that reminds me of that period "..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died."

I hope you're OK. Be gentle with yourself.

In the early days I made decisions based on emotion - the fear of an acrimonious divorce meant I did not protect myself sufficiently. The divorce is acrimonious - it would not had mattered had I been a Lamb or a Lion. I wish I had known this and been a Lion from day 1.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 1st (Monday)

((((hangingontohope7)))) I am so very sorry, honey.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25737 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I'm sorry hangingontohope. You just lived the scenario I feared more than D.

See an atty. asap. Information is power, and state to state things are different.

There is life on the other side. You will get through this and thrive. One day at a time for now.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support. I was in such a daze on Friday that I couldn't even think to call a lawyer. I guess I really should start making calls, asking questions and figuring out where to go from here. I'm just frightened because we really don't have any money to go through all of this. He is the one that requested the divorce and I told him that he can be the one to file.

There was brief moment where I had hoped that maybe he would snap out of it and see everything he was throwing away but I quickly realized that he wouldn't and frankly I can't go through this again. I just want what's best for my kids. I don't want them to suffer and since its only been a few days, I really haven't made any serious decisions. All I knew was that I needed to get out of that house. I would be tearing the walls down had I stayed. This is just so overwhelming.

Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I disagree that your financial future is more important than your sanity. Things were so emotionally abusive and violent, I left the marital home too. How very lucky that I have my family too. I think you were right to leave before things escalated and got too violent. I didn't tear the walls down, but some glass dishes met their fate in a large trash can..

Not sure of the laws in your state, but I didn't "abandon" the house. I got out of an escalating situation to protect myself and the kids, and I go to court next month and think I have a great chance at getting the house back and exclusive use. I'm not staying there till that FuckTard isn't allowed to go there..

Maybe I won't get the house back, but my sanity and preventing anymore violence was more important to me..

I agree to start looking for an attorney ASAP and file for temporary orders as soon as possible. Good luck..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2323 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 1st (Monday)

When you can - consult attys. Here consults are free 1/2 hour to an hour. Go with questions, then sit on the information. Consult several, find someone you are comfortable with should you need to retain one.

It may be given your circumstances you can do it without an atty. or just pay one to look over what you two draw up. But you want to know what you should be getting. Things like CS, support or rehabilitative support, health insurance, life insurance... How the house/deed should work, retirement funds...

This is information gathering.
It helps with the fear of the unknown. You don't have to do it today, but soon. More hugs! ((Hoth7))

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I'm sorry you find your self here again. I wish I had time to formulate a better response but I just wanted to say this. If you are certain you want a divorce then move quickly. Generally when they are feeling guilt about the family breaking up and They are eager to move on with their other woman into unicorn fart land, you can find yourself receiving a much better settlement. As time goes on and tensions build and especially if the other woman fades away, then the fight will begin in earnest. I came out smelling like a rose because my ex couldn't wait for his fantasy life to begin And I proceeded quickly to give just that to him. We didn't even go to court. Only I was there and the judge signed off on everything. Six months later he wanted to see if he could get the settlement changed because he snapped out of it and realized what a crappy deal he settled for. Sorry sucker.

Definitely lawyer up quick and try to communicate with him as little as you can outside what's necessary because of the head games that I can promise you will occur.

See this as a very serious business deal and you're looking to get your best interest. Even when you're considering the kids, you need to realize you're the parent that has their best interests in mind and your WH does not. This is the time to be selfish.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 12