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User Topic: Want to get DD4 ears pierced....check with WS beforehand?
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Question  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

DD4 has been really interested about earrings and I think she would look so cute with them. But my question is I wonder if I have to get XH's opinion/blessing on it since we're joint legal custody.

Backstory: He hasn't seen the children in six months (before Christmas) and the only contact he's had was when he Skyped on the computer with them back in March one time (his choice). He knows the children want to at least talk to him and he ignores them.

Now he might not take them this summer at all for his month (total) with them. They could very well go almost a year total before seeing their father.

So.....should I even bother asking him?? And it's not like he'll have to help with the healing process (cleaning).


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I wouldn't ask....


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

IF you had ANY type of co-parenting arrangement, I would say ask him, because you don't want him doing something major (long hair cut short, allowing tatoos when older) without your approval. I try to think of what I would want to know before-hand when I decide whether to ask or not.

Since he hasn't even been talking to the kids, do you communicate at all? Does he at least email you about things?

If not, I wouldn't say a word.
He won't even notice since he isn't seeing them or talking to them.

If so, I would say email him, but don't ask. Just state that on Wednesday DD and I are going to get her ears pierced, as she has been requesting it. Don't give him a say, just tell him what you are doing.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5522 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Email him & let him know. In most cases of joint custody that I've read about, one parent is not allowed to arbitrarily make permanent alterations to the child's body, like pierced ears, tatoos, or even haircuts, without the other parent's knowledge beforehand.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I wouldn't ask, but I would tell him ahead of time. Joint legal custody is just that - joint.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25724 | Registered: Aug 2011
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Since he seems somewhat absent honestly, I wouldn't ask permission, but shoot an FYI text/email as to your plan to pierce ears...just as a courtesy.



Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

he hasnt been around for 6 months? then no. dont ask. i think if your child wants her ears peirced, you are the one who would take her anyway. pointless to ask. you are over thinking this :)


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I would be devastated if the sad clown had my girls ears pierced as I have a particular view on this issue that he is well aware of.

I was devastated when he had her beautiful long hair chopped off into a very short bob (too short for a ponytail).

There's not a lot I could do about it.

I would inform him. If he has a particular view he could share it with you and then it would be still be up to you to decide. Just as if he decided he was going to get their ears pierced.

I know you are the primary caregiver which does make a difference but you yourself would want to be informed of such a major decision. I always ask myself if I would want to know before deciding whether or not to contact him.

BTW, its completely shit that he hasn't seen his own children for 6m. Disgraceful. He doesn't have a right to know but IMO informing him is the right thing to do.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Wasn't it your ex who married some young lawyer and was acting like he was going to make a custody play? Is that still going on?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Thatís what I was thinking Ė to just inform him of it and then the ball is in his court wether to even respond. He isnít answering any e-mails regarding our children (that is only contact we have). Doesnít co-parent at all. ARGH! Hell, I didnít even hear from him when I told him our four yr old daughter needed surgery (adenoids) in May. No questions, concerns, etc. He didnít even bother to talk to her the night before her surgery just in case something went wrong.

Ama, yes he married the new atty last year. Last year they wanted the kids a lot for his custodial time and their wedding, shower, etc. That all ended when they got married. Since September he has come to town three times and has seen the kids a total of six days in the last nine months. Now all of a sudden finances are limiting them and possibly why he might not see the kids this summer while last year they did 7,000 miles of driving (literally) and got married.


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 1st (Monday)

IMO the only reason you would need to check with him is if he had the kids regularly and needed to be involved in cleaning her piercings. But if there are no plans for her to see her dad in the time it takes for ear piercings to heal, then who cares?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 1st (Monday)

i highly doubt a guy who hasnt seen his kids in six months will care about a haircut or earrings. women do this, we have different sentimental feelings and beliefs. guys do not. if they do, they tend to be gay. LOL, ok half joking but really what guy have you met gets all sad cause his daughter is getting a hair cut. they barely notice when their women get haircuts or new do's.

i stay strong on this. no reason to call him or let him know. he may not even see kids in the next 2 months, 6 or 12!!


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Coraline
Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 1st (Monday)

If you're joint legal, I think you have to inform him ahead of time, to give him a chance to say he doesn't want you to. There are legitimate reasons a person might want to wait, and while I doubt he actually gives a rat's ass whether you do it or not, or has any legitimate reasons to want you to wait, he *could* use it against you.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would send an email along the lines of :

XH,

DD has been very interested in getting her ears pierced. I am planning on taking her to get them pierced on July 13. Unless I hear from you prior to July 12, I will assume you are in agreement with my plan to get her ears pierced.

That way lawyer can't say he wasn't given an option for approval or denial. If you don't give him any options and just tell him, it looks like you are completely disregarding the agreement to joint custody and some judges will bend backwards to make it right by giving him more control or time. Do keep your part of the agreement, don't stoop to his level of low.

hugs,


K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 1st (Monday)

If it were me personally, I wouldn't ask or tell. Not saying that's the right thing or what you should do. But that's what I would do.


ďPeople who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 1st (Monday)

If you don't give him any options and just tell him, it looks like you are completely disregarding the agreement to joint custody and some judges will bend backwards to make it right by giving him more control or time.

This is what you want to avoid. You need to at least appear cooperative.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would send the email that Kajem posted. That way you cover your ass. Especially since you think he might be making a play at custody.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thanks for the ideas. Since I don't want to give him any ammo, I think I will send the email notifying him of it and not asking his opinion.

Too bad we even have joint legal since he's not involved with them at all!


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Topic Posts: 18