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User Topic: How do you keep an even keel while dating?
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Question  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

It seems if I'm attracted, she isn't, and vice versa. Very rarely are my dates and I at all in sync on the attracto-meter.

So, I go to a date with a some hope, then end up either feeling bad about turning someone down or about getting turned down. Always one or the other.

||: hope -> disappointment :||

If I'm not going to burn out from dating again in a hurry, I've got to either a) stop giving a shit so that I'm never disappointed, or b) finally find a match.

Generally speaking, I've been more content lately. I want to keep it that way while I date, but dating tends to pick at a place in the ego that's otherwise never even challenged.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I do not have any advice for you. I just wanted to compliment you on your use of repeat signs.

I'm glad that you're more content, though.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

What trying said.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15402 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

No, WB, it's like this:

||: trying said :||


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

If I may say so, O, I think your sense of humor rocks. You'll find a girl one day who will love and appreciate it.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15402 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

I have thought this for awhile and I am pretty sure someone else said it first on another thread but I couldn't say who...

You seem to goal oriented. You are "looking for a match" instead of dating.

Date. Eat. See a movie. Enjoy the meal, enjoy the movie. If you enjoy the company, then break out the repeat signs. Otherwise, just date.

Make your dates something you already want to do and then add someone to it. Plenty of good films to see, music, outdoor theater, museums, ice cream. But do something you want to do anyway and would do with anyone on any given day. Invest in YOU right now and stop investing in the future.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 11:49 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I hear what you're saying, caregiver, but if that's all dating need be about, then I would just do those things with a friend. Dating does have a purpose and a goal for me.

I've enjoyed the dates I've been on, for the most part, whether or not I'm romantically attracted. It's the discomfort around unreciprocated interest that can wear me down.

Is it normal that it's almost always the case that one person is interested and the other is not? Seems strange to me that it's so uncommon for there to be mutual disinterest or mutual interest. If I'm unusual that way, then I'll need to puzzle that one out.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 1st (Monday)

So can't dating be with the purpose of hanging out with a friend you can eventually have mutual interest in??

Personally, I have not encountered your issue of mismatched interest. I have found a lot of mutual lack of interest... I seem to have the first date thing down to a science but a second date is a rare creature indeed!

I have found times when I am disappointed in the process. Can't I just find that comfort level and yes, someone with whom sex is a possbility!!

But I try to take the advice I typed here and invest in the process instead of the goal. I accept and take pride (? not sure if that is exactly the right word) in the fact that I am learning to value myself enough to be very picky. I am ok with dating right now and patiently waiting for the elusive magic of mutual attraction.

I hear a voice in my head saying "riiiight.... who exactly are you trying to convince??" So maybe it just sounds good!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I was discussing with a "potential" date on OLD and he asked how my dating had gone..he asked how many people I have gone on a date with. I responded with "8", (only 2 made it past the first date, only one of those made it to a month). He said, "Wow...didn't you read their profiles?? That seems like a lot of dates for you not to connect!"

Needless to say, I didn't agree to a date with him. But, I did pause to think about what he said...and I decided he was new to OLD. He was "looking for his match by the profile".

One guy I did date a few times, who was a fWS, was openly multidating. His attitude was much more, "keeping it light, looking for friends and maybe more". We discussed that we both assumed everyone is multi dating, but I told him *I* wasn't like that. I date one until I can "yes/no/give it a few more dates".

Everyone comes into OLD with a different attitude.

I was talking to my IC about this last week, and she told me I'm doing much better at protecting MYSELF. I know what I want this time, and I refuse to settle. If I have to go on 100 dates, then I will. It is almost more like entertainment to me as I am becoming to expect I WON'T like them/they won't like me. I find I am lighter around dating now, I don't become emotionally involved, I am picky and I'm beginning to have more confidence around the really good looking men. They used to intimidate me, but I'm learning to shut off my internal voice and just see what happens.

I think Ama said that she waits 24 hours before responding. Sometimes I go that long now, especially if I am only slightly interested in someone. I usually wait at least 6 to 8 hours before responding to any email (if they email in the morning, I'll return at night after kiddos tucked in.)

So, I've set some rules in place for myself, my expectations are lower, and I'm not too worried about hurting people if we don't "click". I let them down with kindness and empathy and move on.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 1st (Monday)

OIAL, one thing I've noticed in your posting in NB is that you come across as very intense and focused. Now don't get me wrong, you also come across as a good man, a good father, a man with a full life and interesting talents (where are the piano videos?????) but when it comes to dating, I get a feeling of intensity, focus, and dare I say it judgement.

If I'm feeling that merely from a few threads on an anonymous website, I can only imagine how your dates feel it. It's way ok to date to find a partner. It's way ok to be judgey in your head on date 1 and say, nope, not partner material. But if that judgmental attitude is seeping out in any way (say via Qs that make someone feel like they are on a job interview) then you'd be a mismatch for me too. I'd walk away from the date thinking "interesting fellow, potential, interesting self-deprecating humor, but man oh man, I'm looking for a romantic partner, and this guy made me feel like I was on an audition and was for sure going to come up short so why bother continuing".

Every guy I turned down on OLD (at whatever stage) it invariably hinged on that aspect of them clearly trying to slot me into a role (my sex partner, my new wife, whatever) and I wanted to be seen as ME, not as a body who could fulfill some function in that particular man's life.

The guy I am dating exclusively now? He has none of the resume things that people brag about (even here on SI) but what he does have is an interest in getting to know me, in spending time with me, in exploring life with me, and in exploring my mind. His care for me - without a specific goal of what I'm going to be for him - is very clear and comes through in how he interacts with me.

So I'd parse out the advice you're getting a bit. Yes, super ok to date with the goal of finding a partner. You are absolutely right, why go to a movie with what amounts to a stranger when you could just as easily go with a friend you already know well if the point weren't to get to know this new person with an eye towards having them eventually as your "best" friend.

Just go easy on these dates. You don't have to sort out their job history, their morals and values, their kid history right away. That's what people are meaning about going with the flow, going on multiple dates etc. You've got to let that stuff come up over time. If you try and force it ... your dates can feel that. And likely it won't feel good to them.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Date. Eat. See a movie. Enjoy the meal, enjoy the movie. If you enjoy the company, then break out the repeat signs. Otherwise, just date.

I'm with CG here. Doing these things will get your more comfortable in your own skin and with this strange custom called 'dating'.

You've been on both sides of the attract-meter. Its a weird science.

There's a difference between dating to get out amongst it and perhaps stumble upon someone awesome who thinks you're awesome and dating where one sees dates as 'fails' because the attracto-meter didn't ding for both of you.

You're missing the forest for the trees. Stop looking for that one tree and just enjoy some time in the forest!!


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Let go of outcomes. Easy to say; hard to do. I know you have a goal, but you can't force it-you know this.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20221 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 1st (Monday)

OIAL, you realize that you get the same advice over and over, right? CG9 put it very well on this thread.

Let it sink in. Don't give in to making excuses against it. You've seen in the past that advice you've gotten here on SI that felt counter intuitive to you actually worked out very well once you experienced it for yourself - trust those who have been there. You don't need to reinvent the wheel on this one if you're willing to go out on a limb and actually follow the advice you're given.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I'm listening to the advice you are getting here with much interest OIAL. I've been struggling with the same issue, 1st dates that don't turn into second dates and second dates that don't turn into third dates...by his choice or by mine equally.

If I'm not going to burn out from dating again in a hurry, I've got to either a) stop giving a shit so that I'm never disappointed, or b) finally find a match.

It sounds like we need to remember there are other answers to the question c)be patient, don't expect fireworks on the first date and ask someone out again if they are somewhat interesting and d)slow down, expect less, enjoy the view, trust the process

It's so helpful to know I'm not the only one treading water in the dating pool!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 1st (Monday)

When I first started dating I had some 1 date experiences. I was totally gun shy. If I didn't feel attraction, I was done.

Then I decided to try a few multi-dates with people I didn't feel that immediate attraction for. My rule became 3 dates (at least) if I wasn't totally repulsed in some way.

Most of these guys I could not imagine kissing, including my current SO. Sometimes it takes time, at least in my case, for attraction to grow.

I love kissing my SO now. I fell in love with who he is as a person before the physical part happened. Thank God he was persistent (in a non-bunny-boiler way).

Also the first guy I was TOTALLY physically attracted to turned out to be a disaster. We both had the immediate physical attraction, but the person he turned out to be was not someone I would have picked for a long term relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7700 | Registered: Aug 2005
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Thanks, everyone. When I first started dating (about a year after the D), OMG yes, I was incredibly stiff. No doubt about it.

But I've come a long way, baby. What's a date with OIAL like? Well, we certainly discuss our lives, our kids, etc., so it's standard stuff, but with plenty of smiles. It's not like the picture you painted, cayc.

I can't discern any difference in my own behavior with dates that were attracted to me vs. dates that were not. Roughly half have been interested. Sadly, it's been the half I haven't been interested in. Seems to defy mathematical odds.

(You ask how I know these dates were interested? Because they write right away saying what a great time they had, or express disappointment when I tell them I'm not interested. Sure, that could be graciousness on their parts, but I'm also going by my gut.)

The obvious question is whether I'm a victim of the "not wanting to belong to a club that would have me as a member" mindset. Don't believe so.

There's the possibility that the thought of a relationship frightens me, so I only allow myself to be attracted to those who will not reciprocate. I'm not buying much into that either.

I'll probably just have to settle for it being an unsolved mystery.

What I find helpful here is the suggestion to go in with less hope for potential with any given date. That means I have to keep the ultimate purpose for dating far in the back of my mind. That will be hard for me to do, because I am purpose-driven. Happy-go-lucky is not really my character. But if I can do that, my emotions around dating will be more flat.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Here is a follow up thought. If you have someone in mind, or even some specific type, then everyone who is not 'xyz' in some way is not attractive to you.

This doesn't seem to fit exactly since you say 50/50 it is the other way around and you are attracted. Are you sure this is the correct dynamic?

I am using my own experience here, and it is easy to identify my own lack of interest. But if you pick up on their lack of interest, are you sure that yours was there or did they just beat you to the rejection and did this somehow trigger a possibility fantasy that this could have been a match??

I also have messaged right away to say thank you for the date with no interest in a second date just out of politeness, especially if the man drove any distance or paid for the date. It is in my mind good form to say thank you for the date and it was nice to meet you. I have also suggested second dates out of desire to follow some of the advice that attraction comes later sometimes even when my interest was not there.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Yes, caregiver, I would say that I've been interested to see where things might go with about half of my dates. Was my interest in part because I sensed they weren't enthused? I don't think so...

As far as the other half, were they all interested in seeing where things might go with me? Of course, I can't claim that with any certainty, especially considering that at my age men are still largely expected to be the initiators, but a good portion of them made their interest explicit ("I had a really great time; here's my number") or in response to my moving on ("Sorry to hear that; I would have liked to get to know you better.")

The others were more of a vibe that I got, but sure, I could be wrong in some or all of those cases.

It's probably the case that the women I've been interested in have lots of options, so they might be pickier. They were generally more physically attractive. So maybe I've been batting out of my league. Thing is, I've gotten multiple dates with women I deem very beautiful, so it's hard for me to lower my physical standards.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
woundedwidow
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Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 1st (Monday)

"It's hard for me to lower my physical standards". Wow. I see why your mathematical odds are skewed.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
OnceInALifetime
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Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)

ww, I'm not sure why that generates a "Wow" from you. We all have standards around appearance.

Could well be that mine are high, but I'm physically fit, and want to be with a woman who is also fit. No hypocrisy there.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
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Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Could well be that mine are high, but I'm physically fit, and want to be with a woman who is also fit.

I believe many of us already knew this was your issue when it came to the women you have not been attracted to. Do you state very clearly in your profile that you only want physically fit women and do you define what physically fit is to you?

It seems to me that you are wasting a whole bunch of women's time and your own because you aren't being clear with them about what you are not willing to settle for.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Women rarely contact me. I'm the one who reaches out.

As for the women I haven't been attracted to, there were a few who were surprisingly overweight in person. I trusted their self-description as being accurate, but I've learned that's unwise. Full body shots are necessary. IBut even that can be deceptive, when the photos are quite old (which has also happened to me).

Others have been fine, physically, but personalities weren't a match for me. (I'm not entirely one dimensional.)


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Happy-go-lucky is not really my character.

Hmm. No, you obviously aren't too intense at all.

Like Amazonia mentioned, you are getting the exact same advice every single time you post about OLD. Idk why you are still discounting it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
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Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 1st (Monday)

What advice am I discounting? The "chill out" advice?

I've agreed that I need to go in with less hope/expectation that a date will end up going somewhere in the long run...


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Women rarely contact me. I'm the one who reaches out.

That doesn't matter. If you aren't clearly stating that you want physically fit and define what that means to you, then some may have a misconception about what you are looking for when they read your profile. If you have to, provide an example pic of what you are looking for. Of course, others just aren't honest or are a bit delusional about their true size. I don't don't how you'll avoid them.

ETA....being physically fit does not necessarily equal having an athletic body and vice versa....something to consider when stating you want a physically fit woman.

I'm not entirely one dimensional.

Just mostly j/k

Look, there is nothing wrong with having your preference. I know I can't date men shorter than me. Just not going to happen. However, if your feel strongly about your preference and rarely, if ever, deviate from it, then be very clear and upfront about what you want.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:08 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)

The "chill out" advice?

Yes that, and the being so goal and checklist-focused that your dates can feel it no matter how personable you think you are being.

Look, I know that I can out intensify you and out analyze you. I'm sympathetic to those habits b/c I have them. That's why I repeatedly call you out on them, b/c I get it. But you just can't wave that flag all the time. You have to step back and relax and let people be a little. You might find if you give them room, you will have more in common with them and will like them more.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I don't think you should modify your profile to add attraction requirements. I'd be majorly turned off by something so shallow, even if I met the requirements to a T. Maybe make it more fitness focused, "Can you keep up with me in a 5k or hike the most challenging trail in the city?"

Posts: 3397 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 1st (Monday)

You have to step back and relax and let people be a little

This has been my aim. I know I could do better, but I'm pretty sure that some of you have an exaggerated notion of how stiff I am on dates.

What may help with this is to go into dates with little to no hope/expectation for LTR possibility. I'm going to take that advice to heart.

If you have to, provide an example pic of what you are looking for

I'm sure that would go over well

All things considered, if I'm interested in seeing where things might go with half of the women I've dated, I'd say I've done a pretty damn good job at filtering up front.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
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Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I'm sure that would go over well

Hmmm....well, I'm one who'd rather know the truth up front, then have my time wasted. I would think that people like you would appreciate another person with your same viewpoint on being physically fit. Stating that upfront would attract them.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Is it getting hot in here?

I think some conceptions are getting exaggerated. I'm no olympic athlete; you'll find plenty of people more fit than myself. Nor have I been dating paragons of fitness. Some people hold extra pounds very attractively.

But yes, appearance matters to me. Matters to most guys. And to most women, too. I'm not going to drone on about it in my profile.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 1st (Monday)

OIAL, count me among those who thinks you have every right to not date someone who you're not attracted to - and to be attracted to fit women!

Some of the profiles I've seen focused on wanting to share physical activities, which was enough for me not to bother, because I know I can't keep up with a really active guy. I mean, I walk a lot and only have 5-10 extra pounds hanging around (which was more like 25-30 back when I was OLD), but athletic I am not! Might be an easy addition that doesn't come across as quite so superficial.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Some people hold extra pounds very attractively.
I think this description belongs in my online dating profile! Something like; "I work out, I eat healthily and yet, I'm curvy. Some people hold extra pounds very attractively."

Truth in advertising??

ETA: I agree with AMA, I don't message guys who mention hiking 1400 foot mountains w hen on vacation! So mentioning wanting a running partner etc. may help filter out some women. I have heard from men that many women on OLD ignore this and reach out even when their pictures are from many pounds ago...sort of like all the guys who state that they are 5'10" and show up at my door shorter than me and my 5'8".

[This message edited by better4me at 3:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Maybe make it more fitness focused, "Can you keep up with me in a 5k or hike the most challenging trail in the city?"

This would be a great way to state it if OIAL did these things. Someone who works out, isn't necessarily somebody who has the cardio down. I know people who go to the gym daily, but they couldn't hike a trail or run a 5k to save their lives.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
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Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Works for me, better4me

Maybe "healthy" is a better adjective for what I'm looking for (rather than fit). The thing is, I can't pigeonhole what attracts me.

I've been attracted to a woman who was taller and wider than me, but her curves were delicious. Another woman who was trim, athletic, and rocked the pair of jeans she wore. The last woman I went on several dates with didn't seem strong, and probably would have had trouble running a mile, but her proportions were perfect. Sadly she turned out to be the dessert nazi.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
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Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I can't pigeonhole what attracts me.

What has been the common denominator for the women you didn't find attractive? From what you've posted, it's mostly been the physical that turned you off, so why aren't you able to narrow things down a bit?

Oh, and stating "healthy" isn't going to help. There are some men who like a larger sized woman and they often describe them as "healthy" sized women. You wouldn't want to get confused with one of them


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I'll try to remember why I wasn't attracted to my dates.

- One woman freaked me out when she told me she wouldn't be afraid to discipline my children. She also had almost delusional views about how she could affect the current political race. She was quite physically attractive.

- Another hardly spoke a word the entire date. Physically, a little too tall, and her complexion was pasty (I generally prefer to be taller than my date - I'm 5'10"). But if she were more lively, maybe another date??

- One was simply way too heavy for my taste. Her profile was just a face shot and she listed herself as average.

- I turned down two dates that had potential because I don't like to multidate beyond the first date. Were they the only ones I was seeing, I'd have asked for another date. But I was more excited by other prospects at the time.

- Another was too overweight. Not apparent in her photos.

- The dessert nazi was drop dead gorgeous in my eyes. I think that pretty much ended mutually, although it wasn't pretty.

- Another was very overweight. Too bad, because I dug her personality. Couldn't tell from her profile photo because she was sitting. I could see she had extra pounds, but IRL it was too much.

Well, that's the drift I guess. Weight has been an issue for me, but really, only when it's very apparent.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I put in my profile, "I prefer someone who is healthy. That doesn't mean you have to run marathons, but focused on overall good health, exercise and eating well."

Being perfectly fit isn't what I"m after, more someone who is...healthy. But, I spell it out a little. I can't run marathons because of an IT band...but I'm still doing a fun 5K this weekend. I'm walking. I would never contact someone who said they want an "athlete" because I don't consider myself one. I can play tennis, garden, walk constantly, and like Ama, have 10 pounds that sit there no matter what I do.

I have dated guys waaay shorter than I prefer, didn't bother me. I did meet one guy who was waaay heavier than his photos. He kept saying on the date "I'm in the middle of trying to lose 40 pounds." It honestly ticked me off. Like I wouldn't notice that he was 40 pounds heavier than his photos. It wasn't that I didn't feel attraction to him...it was the deception that I didn't care for. I think there is nothing wrong to try to get a feel for how active they are. "What is there favorite exercise and why? " type questions. That should give you a better feel for their health.

Part of the issue may be you hate the "chatting" part...but if you did it a little bit more, you may be able to weed out someone you know you aren't physically interested in.


I think, for example, you mentioned the last lady was "an 11" on every front. Those are pretty high expectation you put on yourself AND her. I look at every profile and every email with a grain of salt. I don't get my hopes up before a first meet at all. More than likely, one of us is going to self-select out. So, I show up as myself, in what I'm comfortable wearing, no extra makeup or anything. I greet them with "nice to finally meet you", and we chat. That is it. I would much prefer to be pleasantly surprised one of these days, then to constantly feel let down.

I too think there is nothing wrong with bypassing people you aren't physically attracted too. If they don't turn your head on-line....where, lets face it, we have mostly good photos up...then they aren't going to turn your head in person either.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And someone that you "dig their personality" after you spend time with them might become the ideal beauty to you.

I don't advertise my size (I am neither fit nor athletic) on my dating profile. I am beautiful and highly intelligent but I make it very clear when asked what I do for fun, my "activities" circle around social things and not hiking or biking.

Would I date someone whose activity level is far different from mine? Sure, if they are independent enough to do those things on their own and not resent me for not participating. I can be a volunteer at the registration desk or help set out route markers.

It's okay to not respond to someone physically. I don't get my feelings hurt when it happens to me. I think this is a great reason to meet for coffee sooner rather than later. Investing too much in a conversational relationship when the chemistry is important might be part of the problem?

Don't project insecurity onto people. Not liking them for any reason is your deal, not theirs. If they are not confident enough that your rejection hurts, then I'd say it was not a good dating prospect for lots of reasons! Basically you are two strangers, and either you go back to being strangers or you become friends.

It is a process and if you enjoy the process, then it is not wasted time for you or them.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 1st (Monday)

cmego says chat longer and I say meet quickly! Yep, that about sums up advice from women.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I see all your points, and value all your input.

I don't think my filtering system needs much work. After all, if I'm interested in having more dates with roughly half the women I meet, that's a big percentage.

What I need to do is lessen my hopes during early dates, just to keep emotional equilibrium. That might even have a positive effect in terms of my attraction being reciprocated, who knows.

As caregiver said, better not to assume that people are terribly fragile if I'm not interested. That could be projection on my part, because rejection had gotten pretty old for me.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I think you also have to keep in mind that just as it isn't all physical for you, it's not all about the physical for women. There are a multitude of reasons for a mismatch, better to just keep looking than try to zone in on one reason and lower your standards.

Posts: 3397 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 1st (Monday)

@ care, well...at OIAL too.

I was thinking in terms of physical assessment. If they don't have full body photos posted, then a little bit of extra chatting might tell him what he wants to know about their physical level without the stress of meeting.

In the beginning I didn't post a full body photo and one guy point blank asked me for one. I sent it to him....

I'm all for meeting sooner than later


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Reading through this thread again reminds me what a sh*t way OLD is to meet someone. Sure it can work, and it''s definitely got to be an arrow in your dating quiver since you never know ... but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

And I say this given that I met the guy I''m currently dating in OLD. He and I both joke about it. And then watch Catfish on Mtv together and just find ourselves amazed that we''re dating.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 1st (Monday)

but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

Yes, it does. Doesn't feel natural or even very humane. We can try to kid ourselves into thinking it's really nothing more than a fun evening out, but that's incidental to the main underlying purpose. In the end one person usually tells the other they are not interested.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 1st (Monday)

cayc...totally agree.

It almost forces everything to be shallow because you are "choosing" based on looks and a few written words.

I try to be open when OLD, but, let's face it...I know I'm not going to be attracted to someone 10 year older, overweight who smokes and hunts. He may be perfect for the next girl, but not for me. Therefore, I pass him by without meeting him. Shallow? Not sure...

I know some people agree to go on a date with every person that contacts him. I know a lady locally who had this attitude. She is attractive, mid-50's, jewish, and her H left her for another man (that is how I met her...someone who knew someone connected us). Anyway, her attitude was, "I'm not getting any younger! I mean business!". She literally sometimes went on three dates a day. She went out with anyone who asked her. She told me she took up running to burn the calories from all the meals she ate out.

Guess what? She is getting married next month. They dated less than 6 months. She was very focused on simply getting married again before she was "too old".

Not for me...worked for her.

So, yeah, I think it feels superficial, but don't we all do this in real life too? If I'm out somewhere, I'm scanning the guys. I'm looking. And, really, not going to be that many I'm physically attracted to...just like OLD.

[This message edited by cmego at 5:44 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 1st (Monday)

but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

Yes, it does. Doesn't feel natural or even very humane.

This is exactly why I have shied away from OLD thus far. Unfortunately, I live in a small town where it's church or the bars and that's about it for meeting new people. Neither one is for me. So... limbo it is for now. How long do you think it takes to grow a thick enough skin to jump in to this?!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5189 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 1st (Monday)

How long do you think it takes to grow a thick enough skin to jump in to this?!

Different people have different experiences. For some it's an ego boost. For most, not so much.

Then there's me. Such a fool. I have *got* to get over myself already.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I think you see how much you are able to handle emotionally and move through the relationship. For me it is a slow pace and the right person is willing to wait. Stay true to yourself.

For example if someone is excited to give you a wonderful present but it is over the top and you all have been dating only a week you let them know you appreciate the gift but it is far too generous.

Time is really the only way to find out about someone and truth be told we may not always know ourselves.

Enjoy things you are interested in and you never know who you might come across.


Posts: 985 | Registered: Jul 2012
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Well look at all the dating experience you've gotten! Seems like last year you couldn't get any response at all. You had little faith that you'd ever get a date. You were understandably frustrated and fed up. Sometimes just reminding yourself of your progress and having a broader perspective helps. Sometimes I imagine my older self is reassuring my present self. Mostly what helped me keep an even keel,is having a sense of adventure. Each new person I met was an experience I could learn and grow from. I had fun w OLD but admittedly I was on it for a shorter time. Then I found someone and there's a whole new set of 'problems' to deal with as no relationship is always fun and easy.

If you don't relax now and enjoy the scenery when will you? When you are actually in a new relationship? I don't think so, the same anxiety, irritability and impatience will be there


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Great points, IL! And you're right, even though I haven't become steady with anyone, it's definitely been progress (albiet stuttering). I'm having way more success than I did, and enjoying dates much more.

And fireproof, good advice on pacing. People are very different that way. I think I've tended to be purpose driven enough that I've neglected the journey.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I love tubby guys. I'm not at all attracted to the fit, body-is-a-temple type. I like bulls, not racehorses.

I'm what most would call average to slim and walk-fit.

I couldn't date a guy with a goatee.

They look ridiculous.

Shallow? Maybe - but I can't help what does and doesn't get my motor running.

Yes he could shave it off but I'm still judging him for having it in the first place.

Yet I have girlfriends for whom this is a massive plus. As are racehorses.

Doesn't change the guys' personality, compatibility or potential to be an amazing life partner.

It just changes my chance of finding out those things about him.

This dating caper is not for the feint hearted. OLD even more so. We don't have any other data to go on so lots of us go on initial chemistry/attraction.

You can't change what you are physically attracted to or what you're not attracted to. I would give the chemistry a bit of time to develop.

I also repeat my suggestion to just enjoy the ride. This is a special time in your life - you can do what you want, when you want, how you want. You're free. Yes it's nice to be "with" someone but its also pretty damn awesome to just be you.

Plus, you'll have lots of funny stories to tell. You didn't do this the first time around - dudes have to kiss a few frogs too, y'know. Knowing what you don't want is just as important as knowing what you do want.

Remember OIAL - someone is looking for you and wondering where the fuck you are too.

Enjoy this part first!! Get to know yourself through this - date yourself for a while whilst going on these dates too.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I think you should try being bizarro OIAL - do the everything the opposite of what you normally do. Like in the Superman universe. You could call yourself "InfinityInADay" and intend NOT to develop a relationship.

I am serious. What do you have to lose?

-thyme2go- or is it mint-2come


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9179 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Awesome, t2g


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

No, I am now m-2c!!


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9179 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I like Thyme's advice.

Mine is also a little non-traditional. How about trying to find the best coffee flavored ice cream (or chili cheese dog, or chi tea, or chocolate croissant in YourHomeTown. Variety is key. Some will be good, some bad, some great. Tell yourself you're not gonna experience chi tea (or whatever *you* desire) with the same person twice. Just keep drinking that chi (or whatever *you* desire). Ask the girl in the library who makes the best chi tea in YourHomeTown. Ask the red head if she'd like to join you for chi tea. But never the same person twice. Have fun exploring. You can even drink chi tea with your Dude fiends.

If you have a bit of fun, and go where the experience takes you, you may meet a couple of new people this summer (in addition to online dating).

Who knows. If you meet a sweetheart in the process, and want to see her again, ain't nobody gonna blame you for picking the Lucky Lady over chi tea.

How's that sound?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

OIAL- do you belong to a bunch of meetup groups in your area? I gave up OLD about a year ago and started attending meetup groups... Lots of meetup groups. Hiking, running, art, documentaries, singles, beer lovers, live music. A ton of them. Not just singles...

I got to talk to many, many guys without any commitment and only went out with those I was attracted to. What a concept! Beats OLD any day. After years of OLD I am now in my first committed relationship post-A. I talked to my SO at various meetups for months before actually dating him... at that point I really knew him.

And as an added bonus (well, a bonus to you GUYS out there).... The meetups in my area seem to run about 4-1 girls to guys.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 8:22 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Topic Posts: 56