SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: mixed signals
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 1st (Monday)

As A WS, I am doing everything in my power to help my BS. At the same time, I am trying not to ride the ups and downs with her as much, which is hard not to do. One moment she'll say I am not going to leave you, I love you. And the next day its that she can't get past this and its over.

I know this is "normal" but its hard to determine what to do with plans we are considering making. For instance, we recently talked about taking the kids and renting a vacation house in a couple weeks. One day it's yes, lets do this. The next it's no effing way. Or oredering a big area rug for the living room or expensive blinds for the living room. When theres still discussion of putting house up for sell and moving back to be close to her family.

I respect and am grateful that she is trying. I know this is horrible for her. But I just don't know if I should proceed with looking into and booking vacation house, moving forward with home improvements/upgrades?


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 1st (Monday)

hopefully your ok with me posting ....as im a BS .

Im actually in the same stage of making plans and then cutting them or actually my WH cuts them (beating me to the punch) or says im coming up with bullshit to be mad at (non-A related stuff)


i make plans because in the end i want to see us together dont know how we will get there but i want to which i why i make plans . then a rough patch of thoughts and stupid questions and self doubt and were back to square one .


id say go ahead with plans because to me it would say you still want to have a future and still see it with her in spite of the mood or stage she is in . that you know you will get past the hump to which is why you held on to you reservations at "so and so lodge"


just my opinion .


i wish my WH wasnt so ill tempered and let me ride my roller coaster without making decisions for me



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Another BS here..., I had to look to see if it was my WH that had written your post- it's that familiar.

I'm up and down- all over the place. And my dd was last September. It takes just a tiny thing to switch me out. So I say I'm done. Then I gather myself up and get enough strength back to feel like R and trying to survive within the M.

It's the Rollercoaster. In my case, I just don't have enough residual emotional stamina right now to be graceful while I ride things out.
Betrayeds are sometimes a giant bleeding wound- I know I am.

Be there, be present, hopeful, caring, emotionally vested (but avoid the Rollercoaster) and be her biggest fan and strength. All this while working on cleaning up your own mess. During the low times, you have to be driver of the healing. Sometimes you will be carrying her, sometimes she can walk a bit.

Best of luck to you.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
thecaves
Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 1st (Monday)

I think it's important to continue to make plans especially if contingencies can be built in.

Making plans together shows commitment from both sides.

Vacation planning I think is especially important. Vacations create new memories that are key to reconciliation.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Keep making the plans. If at the last minute you don't go, then you don't go.

Making the plans shows your BS that you want to do things together with her. And come up with some nice plans that show you are thinking of her and what she likes and needs. For instance, if she plays tennis, include an afternoon of lessons at your vacation spot while you take the kids off to the pool. Something like that.

Eta, BS here.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 10:44 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 866 | Registered: Sep 2012
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Thanks for all the responses. Its just so confusing on a day in day out basis.

Soverysadnow,you said....

During the low times, you have to be driver of the healing. Sometimes you will be carrying her, sometimes she can walk a bit.

Ths is where I struggle. (And this is probably a whole other thread to start).

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 5:09 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

BS here

Its just so confusing on a day in day out basis

Just remember that it's just as confusing for your BS, if not more so. I think sometimes the WS may think that the BS is somehow doing this on again/off again thing to punish the WS. In my experience, that is not the case at all.

The rollercoaster is deeply confusing and hurtful to the BS. You end up feeling that you can't trust your own emotions or judgement... VERY insecure making....


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 988 | Registered: Oct 2012
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I think sometimes the WS may think that the BS is somehow doing this on again/off again thing to punish the WS. In my experience, that is not the case at all.

The rollercoaster is deeply confusing and hurtful to the BS. You end up feeling that you can't trust your own emotions or judgement... VERY insecure making....

Be there, be present, hopeful, caring, emotionally vested (but avoid the Rollercoaster) and be her biggest fan and strength. All this while working on cleaning up your own mess. During the low times, you have to be driver of the healing. Sometimes you will be carrying her, sometimes she can walk a bit.

Vacations create new memories that are key to reconciliation.

As a WS, these are all very helpful things to hear. My BS tries not to dwell too much on my affair. But one of the things that she does say really hurts regarding memories and the past is thinking "Oh, yeah, when we did that (trip, family event, picture taken, etc.) you were really with xAP (in all but body). All my self-delusional bullshit compartmentalizing, rationalizing, and justifying my behavior as I robbed myself from her, and my family, is one of the things that I feel the most remorseful about.

In our attempts to move forward in the R we are recommitted to, of the things I am trying very hard to do is be present, available, and willingly jumping in on doing things as a couple and family. I'm suggesting things. I'm enthusiastic for her plans. And we've collaborated on impromptu things that involve us as a couple, and as a family. It feels good, and reminds me of what I had so conveniently allowed myself to forget: I have everything I need to be happy, content, and rich right in front of me. I always did.

The sad thing for me is how much I am enjoying all of this goodness and grounding that is my real life, yet how willing I was to construct and partake in a charade that was so fleeting, corrosive, and without meaning. I was beyond lost...

Good and helpful thread.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 6:03 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
BlindSighted2013
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Soverysadnow,you said....

During the low times, you have to be driver of the healing. Sometimes you will be carrying her, sometimes she can walk a bit.

I'm the BS. Exactly the way that I feel also. I used to be a self-reliant person, but I'm not feeling very confident in myself these days.

I'm still new and raw to this, but right now, Rollercoaster seems to be an understatement. For me, I am all over the place because while I want to aim towards R, I still struggle hourly with the feeling that somehow I am being untrue to myself if I stay with him and live the rest of my life with this new reality.

So one minute I'm here, and the next I'm leaving. I truly do want to be here, just don't want to have to accept what happened. What I REALLY want is not to have to deal with this...but that's not an option, and we do have to deal with it.

For me, I need carried (YUCK!), and then once I stop crying and start focusing again, I definitely need to walk for a bit so that I can see hope that someday (maybe), I will be able to feel proud of myself and self-reliant again.

I am so grateful that there is a Wayward forum here because it helps to gain insight from reading the posts here.

Oh, and yes, I definitely feel that you should proceed with vacation plans and moving forward with home improvements. Your making plans will show your commitment to your M. It's that carrying thing...even if we BS's don't show our appreciation, we are taking in every little action and processing it.

I've read stories on here of WH who bring flowers home for their BS and the BS throws them away or discards them, but they keep on bringing them home. We need to feel that consistent love...even if we are at the bottom of that roller coaster and acting unloveable at the moment.

[This message edited by BlindSighted2013 at 8:38 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9