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Reconciliation
User Topic: I saw the guilt
Itsgoingtobeok
Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Last Friday at MC I told my WW I needed to see more from her to help me start trusting her. I wanted my WW to show me she could be faithful . At this point my WW got defensive and said " I show you everyday I love you by making dinner and doing all the grocery shopping" . I then told my WW that all I really want is a faithful W! The cooking and shopping I can live without and I need you to prove to me you can be faithful . At this point the guilt got to her and she broke down and cried and said she was very sorry and she could be faithful(I was finally able to see how much the guilt was effecting her) . The weekend started we talked just briefly about our MC session . We ended up have a really nice weekend . Now here comes today (monday) the first day she can start the processes of proving to me she could be faithful and she blow's it . She was to call me the second she got to work.She call's me 45mins late and say this defensively "I forgot to call you when I arrived ". My WW has the ability to stuff down the guilt . When I make her get in touch with the guilt she breaks down and doesn't want to deal with it . Its easier for her to pretend the A never happens . I'm not sure where to go from here but I know I'm hurt ana angry .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 1st (Monday)

Im sorry,but I don't think she cried out of guilt. I think the tears were for herself..because you're not getting over it as quick as she wants you too,and she is frustrated.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Real guilt is not that easy to suppress. A few days out from C and she is back to her defensiveness ?

Remind her that calling you is an attempt to give you what you need after giving you a very real reason to need that.

Remind her that calling 45 minutes later adds to the mistrust and reminds you that you are not that important in her life. Tell her it hurts again all over when she fails at a minimal test like this.

If she forgets let her see your pain. Nothing else will mess a WW up as bad as showing them how much they hurt us.

Detach from her. Tell her it is because you are tired of feeling this way and since she is not up to it, you don't know what else to do. Then don't engage her, give her time in vacuum to think on it. Guilt will eat at her.

FWIW- She makes dinner and does the grocery shopping ? If that is love she has some pretty messed priorities. My guess it was the only thing she could think of and that is really sad. I'm so sorry man.

((itsgoingtobeok))


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 1st (Monday)

If she forgets let her see your pain. Nothing else will mess a WW up as bad as showing them how much they hurt us.

Detach from her. Tell her it is because you are tired of feeling this way and since she is not up to it, you don't know what else to do. Then don't engage her, give her time in vacuum to think on it. Guilt will eat at her.

Yep this is exactly what I do with my WH when he starts reverting back to old behaviors. I have no tolerance for BS (not blind spouse) from WH anymore.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 4