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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: letter from ex
godawgs
Member
Member # 28172
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I walked out on exWW over 3 years ago now. Took over 2 to get divorced (she made it difficult). We have a decent relationship, probably better than most divorced couples. I have been dating for a while now, but got serious one girl in the last 6 months. Everything is going great with us. Even introduced her to my son (which is a big step for me). So my ex now knows I am seeing someone, but they have not met. This weekend I get a note from my ex. It says all this stuff in it about how she should have done this or that better. I didn't want to open it. I would have killed for this letter 2 years ago. It did choke me up a little. Now I just think it is because I am serious about someone and she is scared or something. Don't get me wrong there are probably still feelings there for both of us. I know OM is still in picture (she still says there just friends). Of course her letter made no mention of him. I have no idea what to do with this letter. I don't know whether to respond or what.


Me=BH 36
Her=WW 34
One wonderful boy 4
First D-Day=Jan. 25, 2010
SO MANY MORE SINCE THEN! I have lost count
I moved out=Jan 26, 2011
Filed for D= Dec 8, 2011

Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: midwest
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would ignore it. It sounds to me like she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. So, she'll send you some crumbs in the hopes that you'll ditch your GF and come give her some ego kibbles, but she isn't truly remorseful, wanting to change, and wanting you back in her life.

That's just my instinct-- plus, if the OM is still in the picture, I highly doubt that they're "just friends." It's another ploy to tug at you. True remorse would mean NC, and she hasn't done that.

(((godawgs)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3546 | Registered: Oct 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I'd ignore it. You guys have a decent co-parenting relationship, and that's great. I would leave it at that..

Sounds like she's fishing for how you are feeling. Guess what? Your feelings are none of her damn business anymore..

I think tons of cheaters start hoovering when the betrayed moves on. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to want you either. They want you forever wallowing and missing them. As soon as you move on, it shocks them into realizing they aren't as awesome as they thought they were


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
missherlots
Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would sit with it and work my feelings through once and for all. If you have doubts, it is the time to settle them all.
It is not going to be easy but it must be done, so your being become quiet and in peace, otherwise it will bother you forever. You need to resolve it now.
Unless, you want to carry the ifs forever by hiding you feelings.
Whatever you find out it is about you and no one else's.
My two cents.


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would ignore it. It sounds to me like she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either.
I agree.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would ignore it. It sounds to me like she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

^^ I Agree. I think one of the commonalities of many WS is an emotional "immaturity": they want what they can't have, and don't appreciate what they do have, until it is gone... Just an observation.

My X texts that he "longs for what we had" but it doesn't mean that he has changed or is any more capable of being a loyal partner than he was.

For me, I file these under "too little too late".

Now if you aren't there yet, then I'd reconsider the new girlfriend - (before she gets hurt) But as for the X - Words are cheap - actions, long exercised and sustained alone have value.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 1st (Monday)

The phrase "Dog in a Manger" comes to mind. Crickets.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I suspect your 'good' relationship fuels the tiny spark of mutual feelings both of you seem to have. You should examine this. That fact that you teared up even a tiny bit is troubling if you're planning to move on with a new gf and your X is still with the OM (and don't believe for one second that they are 'just friends'.)


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I would ignore it. It sounds to me like she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

Agreed. I also think you should examine why the letter caused you to choke up a bit. Does it just make you sad because of all the destruction and waste? Does it make you want to consider R? What do your feelings mean for the new relationship with your SO? Just make sure you process what you're feeling before you decide how to respond or not respond. You need to be prepared for her reaction either way.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4933 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)

my ex pulled this everytime I started moving on, not even dating someone. but when he saw me go out (I would get ready on his visitation days and he'd ask why i looked so pretty) anyway he never wanted me. he just didnt want anyone to want me too. it was a game. oh sure I gave into it a few times- had I not, I never would have learned... but he chocked me up a few times too with emails. all bs. he had so many chances to make it work. i wanted that.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 682 | Registered: Mar 2008
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)

It says all this stuff in it about how she should have done this or that better.

Did she say anything she was actually going to do now? Did she ask for another chance? Did she say she wanted another chance?

You didn't post much of the letter, but I would recommend not getting sucked back in if it was just a pity party from her without any actual promises or actions showing how she's changed or why things will be different.. I think sometimes betrayed spouses see regret and think it's remorse, and there's a big difference..

And definitely keep the girlfriend informed. I've found that the longer secrets are kept, the more they hurt when the truth comes out..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 1st (Monday)

true, if she isnt willing to do work today... then its moot.

but I would NOT tell the GF. dont stress her out with the ex's issues. i have found informing my partner of this or that with my ex just ticks them off or makes them on guard. it also causes drama. last thing you need if all is going well


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 682 | Registered: Mar 2008
Threnody
Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Treat it as if she has just farted loudly in church. We all get the urge, just some of us are better at concealing it. The proper response from you is to stare straight ahead and listen to the sermon. It's an embarrassment. Don't recognize it.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
thegooddokta
Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Could it be that she was just trying to make amends and owning what had happened? Just because she shared some feelings, thoughts, remorse, regret, whatever, doesn't automatically mean she wants to DO anything or is asking for anything.Its possible that seeing you move on caused her to get in touch with some feelings that she chose to share with you. It doesn't always have to be some agenda at play does it??


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

This ^^^ is definitely a possibility.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17177 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Treat it as if she has just farted loudly in church. We all get the urge, just some of us are better at concealing it. The proper response from you is to stare straight ahead and listen to the sermon. It's an embarrassment. Don't recognize it.

^^THIS, this - a thousand times this.

This is heading towards "Hoovering" and almost all of them try it on at one point or another.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

IMO if you still have feelings for your X you need to consider whether you're ready for a new relationship.

Whether OM is in the picture or not is irrelevant. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Its not about the BS or the AP - its all about the WS.

Ignore her pretty words. Her actions have spoken to you loud and clear.

She is not sorry for what she did to you - she is sorry for what she did to herself. As she should be. Let her work on her herself and you focus on you.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5461 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

IMO if you still have feelings for your X you need to consider whether you're ready for a new relationship.

This is why I recommended keeping the GF informed. If you're fully over your ex, then perhaps telling GF every little detail isn't necessary, but if you're in limbo with how you're feeling, I would recommend honesty about it..

How you feeling today godawgs?


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
godawgs
Member
Member # 28172
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the advice. I thought a lot about the letter last night and have not decided what I will do about it. I got a lot of questions about my feelings for my exWW. Don't get me wrong there is is still a place for her because of what we had and she is the mother of my child. However I don't think I could ever trust her again. There was a lot of pain and hurt. Things said etc.
Yes her actions have been doing the talking. We have been apart for almost 3 years now. Never has she made any attempt or said anything about reconciling. It bothered she didn't even get upset at the final divorce hearing.I was a mess, but i know everyone handles things differently.
In the end things will remain the way they are. It just bothered me that she decided to do this now and I am pretty sure it has to do with me really letting go.


Me=BH 36
Her=WW 34
One wonderful boy 4
First D-Day=Jan. 25, 2010
SO MANY MORE SINCE THEN! I have lost count
I moved out=Jan 26, 2011
Filed for D= Dec 8, 2011

Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 18