SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Devastated and Shocked!!!!
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I JUST FOUND OUT 6 WEEKS AGO THAT MY WIFE OF 19 YEARS WITH WHOM I HAVE 2 KIDS HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A DIVORCED MAN. IT'S A REALLY SAD STORY, MY 12 YEAR OLD SON SAW MY WIFE TEXTING THE GUY LOVE WORDS AND HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM WHILE I WAS DRIVING THE CAR, AND WHEN WE GOT HOME HE TOLD ME. I CONFRONTED HER AND SHE SAID THAT IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING THAT HE IS JUST A FRIEND SHE TRUSTS, NOTHING MORE. 10 DAYS LATER AFTER I BUGGED HER PHONE I OVERHEARD HER SAYING HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM AND THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MEET SOMEWHERE TO WALK AROUND. HE MET HER ON THE ROAD BIKE AND THAT IS WHERE I HEARD THE CONVERSATION AND HEARD THEM KISSING. I CONFRONTED HER AGAIN AND SHE ADMITTED TO EVERYTHING, I DOUBT THAT IT WAS EMOTIONAL BUT NOT PHYSICAL. I DON'T BUY IT AS SHE ADMITTED GOING TO HIS HOUSE ON MULTIPLE TIMES TO TALK AND HE COOKED DINNER FOR HER. THE FUNNY PART IS HE LIVES ONE MILE FROM MY HOUSE. MY KIDS AND I ARE DEVASTATED BY ALL THIS, AS I LOVE MY WIFE TO DEATH, AND I ASSUMED SHE LOVED ME THE SAME. THIS AFFAIR LASTED A LITTLE OVER 2 MONTHS. I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROCEED, I DON'T TRUST HER BUT I LOVE HER, AND I AM AFRAID EVERYTHING WILL END. I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER A REAL SINCERE APOLOGY AND THAT IS MAKING THE PAIN WORSE. TO ME THE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR HAS BEEN MORE HURTFUL THAN IF SHE HAD SEX, BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHE IS OVER ME. SHE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO STAY TOGETHER AND MAKE IT WORK FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY BUT I DON'T FULLY BELIEVE THAT. I DON'T FEEL LIKE SHE CAN LET GO OF THE GUY THAT EASY AS THE 2 MONTHS WERE INTENSE WITH TEXTS AND SEEING HIM. I FEEL LOST AND SAD ALL THE TIME, I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. I HOPE THAT I CAN CHOOSE WISELY AND I HOPE THAT THE PAIN SUBSIDES FAST.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Sorry to hear this but you are in the right place. Other men will be here for you as I think as far as betrayed spouses go, men and women handle it differently.

I just want you to know you are heard and we here on SI will support you.

xoxo


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
Anya
New Member
Member # 39681
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Male or Female ...the pain is no less. Thinking of you.
I have drawn a line in the sand with a deadline for honest engagement later this week. I need to survive and move forward for me and my family. My love for him is no less, my trust is gone.
I have felt better since I stopped kidding myself I could fix this on my own - be strong, be honest with yourself and with her. Require the same back, stick to it and remind her that this will not progress until you are convinced she is committing to the process WITH you.
Good luck.


Me, BS married to WH 27 years

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Benny – Keep posting. We can help you through this.

However… next post… Use lower case. Forum etiquette dictates that uppercase is screaming and it’s harder to read.
But then… I guess you really feel like screaming… And I can understand that.

There is a rule of thumb here on SI that you should never do anything major in the first months.
Well – I don’t agree with that. I think you really need to take action – to take steps to ensure this goes as well as possible. However I strongly suggest you don’t do anything rash or irrevocable in the first months. In fact – NEVER do anything rash. IMHO it’s more of a question of not burning any bridges or causing damage that can’t be recovered from. But you do need to take action.

Before we go into any suggestions on how to go on then take care of you.

Make sure you eat. Right now you probably don’t feel like it but it’s so important you get energy into your body. Get protein shakes and sports supplements. Make sure you eat a fruit every 3 hours. Drink milk-shakes… Whatever. The key issue here in energy not health.

Exercise. Run, jog, walk, lift weights… Whatever makes you sweat.

Get medical help. If you have a hard time sleeping or feel depressed then be ready to get mild medical aids.

Find someone to confide in.

Share on SI.

Don’t expect any quick fixes. Chances are extremely slim that the affair is over.

Remember – In all this you have several advantages over your wife and the infidelity. One of them being the resources we can offer here on SI.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5485 | Registered: Sep 2005
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I STILL HAVE HER PHONE BUGGED AND SHE KNOWS SOMETHING IS UP WITH HER PHONE, AND I CHECK ON IT ALL THE TIME AND ITS MAKING ME NUTS. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD DUMP THE BUG OR NOT, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT SHE WILL SEE HIM AND I WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT. SHE RISKED LOOSING EVERYTHING, OUR KIDS TOTALLY BEHIND ME, MY FAMILY WHICH IS LIKE HER FAMILY, HER FAMILY WILL JUDGE HER, OUR FRIENDS WILL JUDGE HER, FINANCIALLY SHE WILL NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WILL STAND. THE GUY SAID HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER FOR THE LONG HAUL BUT YOU KNOW HOW RELATIONSHIPS GO, NOT ALL LAST LONG. IT TAKES MORE THAN 2 MONTHS TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER. AT FIRST EVERYTHING IS GRAVY AND SWEET, AND AFTER YOU START TO HAVE PROBLEMS YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THEY WILL HANDLE THEM. I HAVE A LOT OF MIXED EMOTIONS AS TO MY FUTURE. I TRUSTED MY WIFE TO DEATH AND I WOULD OF NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EXPECTED THIS FROM HER. IT WAS THE LAST THING THAT WOULD OF COME TO MY MIND. I HAD TO TELL HER THAT I READ ALL THE TEXTS WHICH IS A LIE IN ORDER TO GET INFORMATION AS TO EXACTLY WHAT AND HOW IT HAPPENDED. I HAVE TRICKED HER TO TELL ME BUT I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW AND THAT SCARES ME. HOW LONG WILL THE PAIN LAST BEFORE IT GETS ANY BETTER?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Sorry about capital letters, no offense intended. I am new to all this and I was unaware of it. Sorry, as I will correct this.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
circleoflife
New Member
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Hi Benny,
I don't have much advice since I am new here too. What I am finding out is the truth usually comes out in spurts. You probably don't have all the truth. Has she sent a NC letter to the AP? I still don't think I know the whole truth. I have this gut feeling there is still more. I am still in the I don't know stage. I don't know if I want to be with him or not?
They are right about taking care of yourself, but I know it's easier said then done. Has she shown remorse? I don't feel like my SO has shown remorse. I feel like he is rugsweeping (avoiding the situation).
I would keep her phone bugged, but that's me. I drive myself crazy, checking emails but I believe he probably has another account. He deletes his texts and phone records or at least used too. Now I dont' know. But if I could have it bugged, I would. Don't let your sources be known for as long as possible.
Hugs to you and keep posting it helps.


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 1st (Monday)

My wife is really hard to read right now. I don't feel that she is completely remorseful, she just wants to sweep everything under the rug and forget everything happened. Whenever I question her about the affair she rolls her eyes and tells me are we going to talk about this everyday. I just can't move foreword until I can see a completely sincere apology and trying her butt to make everything work. I sometimes feel like she wants me to tell her its over so she can move on, and she doesn't want to take the lead so she won't feel bad. She always tells me that she will do whatever I want her to do. It blows my mind how she can risk throwing everything down the toilet for a 2 month affair. I need advice on how to proceed, I know she loves me but I don't think she is in love with me anymore. Since the affair ended we moved 35 miles north of where the guy lives. It was planned before everything happened.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I feel so bad for your son. He is at such a delicate age and to have to be the one to see this happening and tell you. He must really trust and respect you. I hope he has someone to talk too. Someone who isn't you or your wife.

Its going to hurt for a long time. At least thats how it looks to me. Your wife sounds like she is minimizing things and isn't thinking about what she has really done. I'm sorry. I hope she comes to her senses soon.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Benny....Several things to do. Get a marriage counselor and go. Demand a letter of "no contact" be sent to the affair partner and make sure you read it. My spouse sent his by registered mail. Your spouse needs to become transparent...that is you get all passwords to anything cell, computer, email account and she can't change passwords without your knowledge. See a lawyer, the best money I spent and made sure my spouse knew I was seeing a lawyer but not who. The lawyer gave the the black and white of our state laws and the do differ.

Get book to read....the best I have read is "Not Just Friends"....It helped me to understand what I was dealing with and how to survive. Those things are important to each of us....we will survive though we don't think we will.

Some start a journal, I could not as it all hurt too much, but I did find a place to mourn openly when I needed a place. AND find someone to talk with... think carefully about sharing it with friends and family because they do judge and things you feel or say now will be remembered. We were very careful but our adult kids happen to be with me when I found out and read the texts/emails....it has been really hard on them.

As it has been said, take care of yourself first and then your children. You are the priority. And don't make rash decisions....I would make a decision to decide something by a later date...that was the best I would do as I would have walked away so many times early on. For me it help me to know I had made a decision not to decide....sounds stupid but it worked for me.


Lots of hugs and concern!!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Rolling eyes "are we going to talk about this every day?

Yes, you will talk about it whenever you want to Benny!

Read and reread the 180.

Enact as much of the 180 as you can. You don't have to be perfect and remember, all this is in your time frame.

But, I would seek legal counsel ASAP. This does not mean you will divorce, but you need to know all your rights.

SHe is still deep in denial and rugsweeping.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Benny,
I am sorry you are going through this. You do not have to rush into anything, that is the good thing. I would recommend being tested for an STD, as well as talking with a lawyer. You do not need to do anything with it, she doesn't need to know, but you will have information you need to make an informed decision.

You need to expect her to reach out and break no contact. Unfortunately, it happens too often. Keeping her phone bugged for now is not a bad idea. Do not tell her your information source...she will go farther underground.

You do need to determine and share with her what your deal-breaker level is. Is it breaking NC? If so what is the consequence and be ready to follow through. That is the hard part. It took me 4 months to decide what my deal breaker level was and what my consequence was. Once I hit that point, he did a about face and broke it off with OW.

She needs to be forced out of her fantasy. Demand transparency, active participation or kick her out. That is also easier said than done, but that could be the shock she needs. Until you stand up for yourself, she will not. Once again, that is experience talking.

Hugs to you. There is a lot of support here.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

If I ask for a no contact letter, how will this help and how will I know that she will not contact him still. She might write it but what is the benefit if I don't know if it is sincere in following thru. My wife suspects and is pretty sure that I have her phone bugged so she is not contacting him, at least on her phone. But she can use another phone with no problem. My wife is really hard to read right now, I feel her distant and distracted. I feel like she should be kissing my behind to try to make it work and so I can forgive her, and she is not kissing my behind or being as affectionate and she should. I need to set really hard rules but I am afraid it will push her away, but I don't want to look weak. I also don't want to be with her out of pity. I need some form of guarantee from her that the affair is completely over and there is no contact by phone, text, or seeing him at all. Please anybody with good advice? She is risking loosing everything, her kids, family, friends, reputation, and her respect. That is what blows my mind!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Oh you poor thing I feel extreme pain in my chest when I read these stories that are similar to mine.
I was married 19 years. The BS will lie right to your face and you will believe them!!
Keep investigating it is the only way you will get the real answers.
It will surprise you how much the family and kids don't seem to matter to them now (that bothered me the most)
I am 3 years out and still not over it and STILL waiting for an apology!
EXCELLENT BOOK to read that will help "NOT JUST FRIENDS"
same story I got Don't be mad we are only just friends...in my case it was definitely Friends with lots of benefits.
Don't worry about the apology right now just focus on yourself and your kids and remember 90% of what comes out of their mouth right now is BS.
My biggest piece of advice that I learned after the fact is depending on what state your in....if for some reason you separate you need to keep the kids as much time as possible because the courts will go by that if it ends up in custody. You cannot change the time with the kids after the fact they don't want anything to disrupt the kids normal schedule (NOT THAT ONE OF THEIR OWN PARENTS FOUND IT NECESSARY TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE INSTEAD OF THEIR OWN FAMILY 24/7. That part is almost unforgiveable!!)
Good luck and use your head not your heart right now to figure things out.
Yes and the phone thing well my WS immediately quit using his phone after I constantly checked it and questioned him and then No phone use anymore. I wasn't stupid I knew he was up to something and it took me a while but I found him red-handed sexting her late, late one evening and it was the worse day of my life as I wrestled him to read the messages as he deleted them (of course he won the fight) and now I am happy I did not see them because the few I read on his other phone are embedded in my mind forever.
So Sad!

[This message edited by hailstormer at 12:10 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Benny,

She needs to be an openbook with you if she wants you to let her stay. She has to give you full access to her phone whenever you want (IN FRONT OF HER), her email accounts, her facebook, google +, skype, etc.

She needs to understand that she will have to talk about the A every day and answer all your questions (some of them a gazillion times) until you are satisfied.

A good step to take would be to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you could expect if you eventually chose to separate or D. You don't have to file anything, but knowing what to expect will make you less fearful.

Read in the Healing Library. You will find it in the yellow box in the top left corner of this page.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Your wife is still in the cover up phase and clearly lacks remorse.

You have some good resources here, use them to protect yourself and your children.

That is all you can do. You cannot change her behavior, only she can do that.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Benny,
The NC letter is to inform the affair partner (AP) that they are not to contact her. Likewise it sets up the ground work for her not to contact them. Will she? Maybe, maybe not....however, you can say that this was a line drawn in to the sand. There are other ways to catch her. A voice activated recorder in her car would be one way. Her actions will be another. you will know by your gut check. If the NC letter is written, you have to make a decision what happens if she breaks it. It is not uncommon for a NC letter to go out and letter wayward spouse (WS) reports that betrayed spouse (BS) "made" them send it. FOr other, the NC letter took care of the issues.

She doesn't think you will hold her accountable. While dealing with this, you will need to set your boundries. It is hard, but you can do it. You may have already lost her, you may not have. Setting the limit of your tolerance will let you know. Will you tolerate her behavior? If you will....she will continue. Why not...she can have her cake and eat it. If you will not tolerate it, she has to make decisions. You and your family or AP. She may make the decision of AP, but you know where you stand. Like many on here...she may realize what she is losing and drop him like a hot potato. Until you stand up for yourself, she will continue. I learned that the hard way. I didn't want to "push" my WS away either. I was so hurt...but finally, I had enough. When I drew the line in the sand he couldn't jump to my side quick enough.

You can do this. You just have to be ready for the consequence if she makes a bad decision.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

There is a way to get an idea and some instant clarity as to how far in the fog your W is..

A friend of mine suggested this to me soon after my D day..

I attempted this and I instantly knew where my WH's head was stuck..During the conversation in which I proposed this, My WH told me that I was a crazy greedy witch. I came to the conclusion that my WH wasn't remorseful, and that I was going to throw in the towel at trying to save the M..

I knew that I wasn't able to physically leave at the time, but I decided to focus on me and my needs... I carried on with my own life and hobbies without seeking or considering WH's input /opinion/approval on anything..

Before this conversation took place I had done some things to protect myself..I routed all of my paycheck direct deposits to my own bank account..I emptied 1/2 of our meager savings out of our joint checking account..All credit cards are in his name, none are joint, all bills are in his name except for my cell..

What I am going to suggest to you is to see a lawyer, learn your rights and while you are at it find out what it takes to draft a Post Nup Agreement and make it legal and enforceable..

Draft an agreement that says that you get awarded everything in D should she be caught cheating again during attempted R..If this is brought up that she has to agree to sign it as a non negotiable condition of R, she may or may not cooperate....

Her lack of cooperation will tell you that she is not willing to DO WHAT IT TAKES to gain your trust that she is 100 committed to M for life. Her A may still ultimately be a deal breaker for you, but you will have an idea whether or not your W is serious about R.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:37 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Benny,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know just how you feel. I have been through the same.

There is something you must know with certainty that will go a long way in helping you proceed with this situation. It will help quell the emotional earthquake that is going on within you. Know this:

Your wife's affair/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Her decision to lie, deceive, break the vows she made to you, and devastate the lives of her very children have nothing to do with you or your marriage. Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem, not a marital problem. This was a problem that existed within her long before you married. No person can "push" another into being unfaithful.

Right now I'm sure you are feeling an unbearable pain. That is normal and natural. You have been betrayed by the very one whom you invested your greatest trust in.

Do not accept any blame for this. Period.

Do not beg, plead, or bargain with her.

Now, allow yourself to become angry. You have a right to be. Be angry. But, be angry in a controlled and calculated manner and use the anger to your advantage.

Assume a cold, hard, and steely resolve toward this. Become determined that her behavior is simply and absolutely unacceptable to you or your children. Do not waiver in this resolve - not one bit. Ever.

Try to imagine yourself in the place she is mentally at right now. Deep down, she knows she has done something to you that she would NEVER want you or anyone else to do to her - ever. Deep down there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and very low self-worth. She is covering all that up with defensiveness, denial, and delusion. It is one incredible picture of ugliness that she knows she is deep into and she does not want to deal with that ugly, ugly mess.

The best way, in my experience, to get through all the denial, defensiveness, and delusion is to make the consequence for the behavior something that she cannot deny, cannot delude away, and must answer to. She is in perpetual-honeymoon fantasy-land right now and needs cold, hard reality. The best way to do that is to consult with an attorney to know your rights and then FILE for divorce and have her served with divorce papers.

Now, that does not mean you are now getting divorced. You can have it suspended or dismissed at any time. The point is for her to SEE and FEEL the real consequence of her actions and collapse her bullshit fantasy. That is at its most likely when she is holding the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage papers, with a case number, and signed by the presiding judge, in her very hands. THEN, she will not be able blame, deny, defend, or delude THAT away. That is when she is most likely to authentically come around, with actual remorse, and want to do the work to fix HERSELF, and repair the damage to her family and her marriage.

My XWW was as far gone into the bullshit fantasy as it gets. I completely detached, offered her a chance at reconciliation, and she was still in affair wonderland. It was when she found out I had filed for, and proceeded with divorce that I got the tearful requests to reconcile. I divorced her anyway and she STILL wants to reconcile. That's the power of undeniable consequences for shameful and destructive behavior. She destroyed her family. Now she must live with that.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2012
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Thanks to everybody for all the wonderful advice and sincere words. Please keep giving advice as all good advice is welcome. I am going to a marriage and family therapist this week, she reluctantly accepted to go but with conditions. If she doesn't want to continue I am going to have to lay some very tough rules if not it's not going to work. My kids are having a very hard time dealing with this situation, but they are handling it the best they can. I am afraid if it doesn't work out between the two of us, if she will take half of my assets and cash. It stinks if that is the case after she is the one who broke the rules. Any advice on how to handle this situation? I really hope that I can work things out, but under my terms and conditions, and I need to see her sincere apology and have her change drastically.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Benny,

I am afraid if it doesn't work out between the two of us, if she will take half of my assets and cash. It stinks if that is the case after she is the one who broke the rules. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

If you live in a no-fault state, this may very well be true. What you have to ask yourself....repeatedly....is what are you going to do about it?

Let's assume for the moment that what you stated is true. Your WW can sleep with 100 different men, drain your joint bank account, and then be the first to file for divorce. All with zero remorse.

So be proactive.

Talk to an attorney, like yesterday. Learn what your rights are. Get an idea of what life might be like divorced---because as much as you do not want this, it is a real possibility.

Believe me, I understand. I was virtually paralyzed by my WW's actions---and it took me a long time to do what was in my best interests. I was as scared as scared could be, but I can assure you that the lack of any actions I took were worse than doing what was needed to be done. The same driving fear that you have right now---losing your wife, marriage, full access to your children, and way of life as you know it---have plagued all of us here, but it doesn't change the fact that much of it is beyond your control.

But, believe it or not, so much is in your control right now, if you can face your fear head-on. And the simplest explanation that I can give you at this point is to not accept her behavior or actions(or lack thereof).

Don't compromise who you are. Don't accept one bit of blameshifting behavior. Do not allow her to make demands when it comes to dealing with her affair.

You can't control her. She has her own decisions to make---good or bad. But you do not have to tolerate them. And until you are willing to show inflexibility for her poor behavior, she will continue to be an unsafe person.

Find your inner anger. Channel it. You can do this.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:48 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi Benny,

So sorry that you are here. Yes, devastated and shocked, that is exactly how I felt. I was blindsided when I found out that my husband was having an affair and that it had gone on for 4 months. I had no idea.

Breath, just try to breath when the pain hits you. Try to get some food in you, I know it is hard. We talk about the infidelity diet here, so many of us have lost weight. Sleep may be an issue as well.

The emotional roller coaster ride is hard. Get support of friend and family, post here often, read the healing library.

I did consult with an attorney right away. I filed for divorce since my husband showed no remorse or guilt. He is still with the other woman. It breaks my heart, but I know, that I do not and will not be married to a man that has lied and cheated. He has done it before, found that out when I called his folks to tell him that he cheated on me. Turns out he cheated twice on his 2nd wife. I have no bloody desire to go through this hell ever again!!.

Do what you can to take care of yourself. Exercise has helped me, talking with friends and family, sobbing, screaming, venting here.

You will be okay.

(((hugs)))


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Benny
New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

We went to our first therapy together with a therapist. She asked us in what state do I consider our marriage to be between 0 being divorced and 10 happy as can be. I answered with a 3 not very happy and she was asked the same question and she answered with a 2. She told the therapist how bad our marriage had been for the last 2 years, and its true it wasn't all that great, but I never thought it was to do the point of this. I felt like she was trying to say that our bad marriage made her do this. I feel like she could of asked for divorce back then when she wasn't happy and not engage in an affair. The therapist wants to work with her alone for 2 sessions and then bring me in with her after. She noticed her holding back and not convinced, so she wants to see where she is at. I am so confused, that I don't know if i'm scared to be alone, scared to be without her, scared financially as to what will happen, is it merely that i'm used to be with her for 19 years. I'm really confused as to what I want and it scares me. Perhaps I want to work it out, but only if I see her trying her butt to change her ways and feel remorse.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Benny....

Hey Bro...welcome to SI...

Have you read the "healing library"? Its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen....please do..yes...the whole damn thing...

The other man (OM)...do you know who he is???? He married?? Your wife is NOT a good source of this information.....cheaters lie.

Keep us posted, man....

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24