SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: That physical side
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Frustrated  Posted: 5:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

**big sighs**

So my WH and I are really doing well all things considered. We're 6 months out from D-Day, he's in IC both in MC and he's totally remorseful and doing ALL the things as WS should do to help repair and reconcile. We've had some really good days, started new hobbies together, I've taken up something for myself and generally there's lots of good healthy feelings....

But.....

Even when things are really this good, even when in MC we've discussed his 'why's' and I've kind of got my head around them, even when he's working so hard in his IC and can identify FOO issues which have caused his poor coping skills in general... even after all this why can't I just get those physical images out of my head??

He has told me, and I do believe him, that the sex for him and OW was bland, it was not exciting, he did it largely because he was scared of her - certainly of what she threatened to do (commit suicide - she did try; inform my family - she did that!). Even though I know this the image of them together (whether it was exciting or not) cripples me. How could he give himself physically to someone else when we should be a committed, faithful couple??

Don't get me wrong, when we met (me in late 30s him in early 40s) we were far from virgins. We would even talk about our previous sex lives and that was always ok - because it all happened BEFORE we were together. But now, now it just feels impure, tainted, like I can't ever get that pureness back again.

I don't know how to get through this - there's nothing he can do. We are very close intimately, having some wild HB but in my mind there's this image and I can't shake it off. I know that time will help - yeah, yeah..... I know it... but has anyone else found ways of dealing with this?


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I take it back to the reptile brain. My H had an LTA with someone he didn't respect, love, or ultimately even like, had no passion for, and at the end basically had to force himself to have sex with to keep her quiet. All the while he could, and did, have passionate sex with someone he loved and respected. WTF, right? So, yes, I have learned about his CSA compulsions, compartmentalization, disassociation, but still.

He does admit that initially it was as good as mediocre since it was " different". Since I have never had casual sex I have had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I am trying to face the fact that the human body just has hormones, reactions that just basically kick in, in a reptilian way. If there is no emotional connection it can never reach that level of really being good and I know he never thinks back on it with anything but disgust and regret.

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have. That helps.

Good luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have. That helps.

This is what I try to think of too. The A didn't last long so it didn't have the elements of deep intimacy like my WH and I have. Plus we have had 17 years of practice

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:49 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Hi Uklady. I struggled with the idea of my beautiful husband with his AP. That he willingly gave away, repeatedly something that WE promised to only give to each other. So having sex with him became almost impossible. Almost.

I told Mr. Happy that my body knew his body so even though I was gutted by his betrayal we still managed to have some kind of sex. But I would cry or feel dirty afterwards. Even though they had not had sex for a year, it went on for 5 years. I found out after the PA went to a EA.

I was lamenting about this issue in a thread and PPGA send me a video that really helped with the the mind movies.

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

But ultimately it is hilarious and really changed the mind movies to something that made me feel much better about myself. It gave me a metaphor for their lurrve that tickles me to this day.

Somehow in my head, when I found out how long his A went on, I thought that I was some horrible thing that he was escaping. That I somehow caused this breech in our marriage. Then I started reading here on SI and went with the general consensus that it was all on him. But I still felt bad because I though he had this fabulous love affair...then PPGA sent me this video.

It saved my sex life with him because I am not the little frog in the video. I am not some random thing to be used.

They say that the brain is your real sex organ. Switching the players in the video to Mr. Happy and his AP did the trick for me.

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:23 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Can you send the link to me as well. Still struggling with mind movies as well. THANKS!


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

i'd like it too please.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

UKlady,

I like this mantra: Messed up people do messed up things. It reminds me that WH and OW's "relationship" was twisted and dysfunctional, and he got into it because he was damaged.

In a way, he was reenacting his childhood abuse. His abusive parents didn't respect any boundaries, and neither did OW. His parents dumped their feelings and frustrations on him emotionally and physically, and so did OW.

That's not sexual. Sex is about sensuality, desire, fun, and deep connection. For OW, this was about manipulation, desperation, fear of abandonment, and self-destruction. For WH, it was about guilt, obligation, shame, and self-destruction.

If there had been some other act that made OW feel less needy and worthless, she would have insisted on that. But since OW equates sex with "love" or security, she blackmailed him into sex.

But it wasn't really sex so much as WH masturbating into her because he felt like he had to to make her craziness stop. He says it was like ejaculation without orgasm--as if he was required to give a sperm sample.

Imagine OW. Either she has no idea what feels like when a man genuinely desires you, or she knew WH didn't want her but pushed that aside. Both things = sad.

She had to trap and threaten him into seeing her at all. He could not wait to get away from her after they had "sex" and she had to have felt that.

Really, what they did was pitiful and dark. Imagine the atmosphere--OW's bottomless pit of neediness, WH obligated to get it over with . . .

It has no relation to us other than the fact that it shows me how broken WH was . . . then I understand him better and have more compassion. I can see how much more whole he is now, and that fuels real intimacy, which I'm sure will eventually lead to phenomenal sex on a whole new level.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Can you send me the video too...I'm going crazy with the mind movies.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 136 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Can you PM me it too?


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Like most things infidelity related...time (that 4 letter word I have come to hate!) seems to be the answer. I have found in my experience that as time has gone by the mind movies have eased somewhat. They aren't gone completely and sometimes I really battle with them again, but they have eased somewhat.

Something that helped me was this - I stopped fighting it. I think to begin with I was "pulling the plaster off slowly" - the mind movies hurt so much that the minute it started I would try my hardest to put it out of my mind. I don't think that was helping at all, so eventually I allowed myself to REALLY dwell on the mind movies.. I just sat back and allowed the mind movies to "flow".

Possibly TMI, but I even did this during sex... there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with.... it was BRUTAL! Hurt like hell! But I think it loosened the mind movies' power over me. I had seen, felt, been in the very worst mind movie and I had survived, there was nothing left to fear in a way. That seemed to break the back of it for me. Not sure that it would work for everyone, but it helped me.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 959 | Registered: Oct 2012
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond

catlover50 saying this:

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have.

yes - that is a good way to think of it - I will try that because it's the truth of the matter. And the reptile brain - yes you have something there. Our MC spoke to us of how our bodies betray us and to think, for a minute, of poor children who are subjected to SA - their bodies may not be physically ready but there is a reaction in them they can't control or understand.

Getting to Happy - if posting an external link is not permitted here then please do pm the link to me - I'm curious to what this actually looks like!!

sailorgirl - as ever, I feel that you and I have so much in common and I look out for your words of wisdom and thank you for them.

WH and OW's "relationship" was twisted and dysfunctional, and he got into it because he was damaged.

^^^^ this is so true in the case of my WH and the OW too and he's done his darndest to get this all sorted in his head through his IC. I'm beginning to really understand him now but only as he is discovering the self he never knew and learning about his FOO issues (sorry that phrase makes me even though it's not funny - just the child in me!! ).

For WH, it was about guilt, obligation, shame, and self-destruction.

Wow - the word here that hits a note is 'obligation' - omg my WH said, during one of our MC sessions in answer to my question why/how could you not physically stop yourself actually having sex with her, that he felt almost 'obliged' - he didn't want to 'offend her'!!! like OMFG!!! BUT, but..... I'm beginning to understand as I already said.

Itsaclimb - yes we all must hate the 'time' word but have to acknowledge its power. Thank you also for this:

there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with....

I've done that too - not through wanting to but because it just happens. Now I'm armed with some good advice from people on this post I think I'll be able to do this but with a different viewpoint!

Thank you all


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Could you please send me the movie link too?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Getting to Happy - PM me that link please

Itsaclimb -

there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with...

ME TOO! We actually decided on a code word that when it switches to that I can give the signal to WH to back away quick and not touch me.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Maybe TMI....One thing that we did (which could go either way) was to discuss in detail their sexcapades. Times, places, positions, I asked down to the tiniest gory details.

Then we avoided all of those things. We had what was just ours. My mind had to claim her in new ways and feel some ownership before I could reclaim the old ways.

We had a lot of discussions about fantacies, not only super huge ones but little things as well. We tried some that were just ours. We started adding toys and props and role play. We got away from normal bland.

For quite a while it was just about physical pleasure. But the intimacy and emotion has been slipping back in.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2575 | Registered: Aug 2012
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!
Mr. PPGA had the same reaction, and oh how I enjoyed the look on his face when I explained to him that this gross little video was a 'porno' of he and his 'lover'.

I still find it amazing that something that was otherwise so gross and distasteful to me could have helped me so much!

Let's hope YouTube never takes it down!

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Would you PM me also? Mind movies are horrific. Sometimes i actually get physically ill. Anything that would help!


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1328 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

My fWH says that the only reason he was able to have sex with the OW was because he felt he was past the point of no return. He thaught that I would never take him back so instead of coming back home, he had pushed himself to have sex with a woman he wasnt attracted to or liked. He said that he kept stopping and pausing and she kept asking what was wrong but they both persisted on. He said that he felt discusted after wards and still is with himself and her. It was all about how she made him feel desired but it wasnt what he thaught it would be and now he remorsefully regrets his mistake. The mind movies come and go, as do the triggers and hard days but I can see an end and that's what I keep in mind and look forward to. I look at it like the old WH is my ex and we had a bad relationship, this new fWH is who im M to now and were taking what weve learned and actively making our new relationship/ M better and more fulfilling. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Sad  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Can you add me to the list too?

Problem with me is that WH claimed the sex was always good with MOW.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 760 | Registered: Feb 2012
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

little frog

Wait, PPGA's famous "Jedi mind trick movie that only works with women(tm)" is about a frog? A freaking frog?

ETA: Sorry, bit of a t/j...but a frog? Seriously?

[This message edited by Tred at 11:58 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Tred - don't know yet as haven't seen it. Got to say that has made me extremely curious!


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Also suffering from major mind movies, may I please have the video also? I'll try anything. Thx!

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 1:31 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Tred I told you you could see it if curiosity got the best of you. Offer still stands, just PM me. 🐒🐸


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Totally off topic now...sorry to OP...but is that a monkey and a cat? Very clever.

Not sure if I want to chance amphibian sex tapes right now. Afraid I might not measure up

Good luck ladies - mind movies suck. If PPGA can help, watch the frog. I'll have to stick to Bud Weis Er (lite).


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I am new here, but would love to see this video. That is the main thing I can't get out of my mind. All hours of the day and night, no matter what I am doing I have a video of them together in my mind! Please send it to me!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Mind movies SUCK. Living with watching them have sex day in and day out for the last 10 months is the worst part of my life.

I'd love the video too please.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

PPGA please send pm of video to me as well. WH married AP was young pretty more educated & very willing. He asked for a divorce to be with her. They had wild sex & shebwas there anytime day or night for him. It hurts like hell to think of them together.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Sleepless22
Member
Member # 36580
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I have the same problem. Can you please send me the video too?

[This message edited by Sleepless22 at 6:52 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me-BS 33 Him- WH 35 (ptsdandhoping) 3 Kids 10, 5, 2, and one due 12/23.
DD1: 12/2/09-PA DD2: 05/25/12-EA with Ho-Worker;
Status: Reconciling, I think.
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Crazy Town
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 5th (Friday)

This is still a problem for me all these years out. How can they go back if they say the sex was repulsive? My FWH had a LTA and thought at one point he'd fallen IN love with OW ( although that feeling ceased a couple of weeks after it'd begun so I guess it was the real deal.... Not !!)

This coupled with his admission the sex was mediocre always makes me cringe as I think...."you had anything you wanted off me sexually yet you traded that for crap sex... With someone who repulsed you? Yet, you ALMOST thought it was true love for 2 weeks?!?!" I don't get it!!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jul 2009
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 5th (Friday)

If anyone wants the video link you must PM me and ask for it. It is something that may be offensive to some people, and I do NOT want to get into trouble for offending anyone, so, therefore, you must specifically ask me in a PM for the link.

Also, it is NOT helpful to a male BS, so do not ask for it unless you are prepared to take a chance that it might make your mind movies worse.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Thiscantbhapning
New Member
Member # 39601
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I tried sending you a pm for the link, but received an error message that you had reached your pm limit (?)


BS (Me)-48
WH-49
COW-28
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
DS-24
DD-22
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

has anyone else found ways of dealing with this

Eventually, hopefully, all of us find our own way. I had some real stuff to deal with. When my wife finally really confessed she told me the following

She took him to where we had our first date (a park and one of our favorite places in the area) and gave him a blow job, took him to a piece of property we were looking at for considering building a house on and had sex there, had him come over to the house and had sex in our bedroom with the kids at home, took him to our shop on our property and gave him a blow job there, had sex with him where we took the kids to play in a sport, had sex with him up against our car, and met him where we took one of our first long afternoon trips together and had sex with him, and also met him at his house and had sex in the bed that he and his wife shared, there was one other place, that was not attached to any of us, just was a random place.

She also took our kids to meet him, to walk with him, and met him at a playground with the kids, took a drive with him and the younger kids.

Wow, what do you do with that? That is what we all feel like at some point.

What does it all mean? That is the real question, find that meaning and it can help you, even if you don't reconcile.

It took a while to get to the bottom of this. Lots of questions, lots of "I don't knows" and vague answers and later confessions and stories from the past.

Seriously, we didn't even have sex in hotel rooms (almost never do still and the times I've tried and have watched it just flame out outnumber the times we had success by a long count), and yet she takes a guy to a park and blows him in the middle of the afternoon? What does that mean?

In my case, it meant that my wife was really fucked up then. Seriously FUBAR mentally.

She was angry, extremely angry, and felt powerless in her life. Angry at her father, angry at her mother, angry at the abusers she'd been abused by, and angry at me. She thought that I thought of her like they did, and this boiled inside of her...secretly. Only problem was that it wasn't true.

Why did my wife do this? She did this to hurt me, bad. He, the AP, was a tool and she was an angry woman who wanted her husband to feel the way her parents had made her feel, who wanted me to feel helpless like she did when she was raped as a teen, who wanted me to hurt like she'd been hurt.

But, it took a long time for her to tell this, for her to answer questions about why this and why not this and why with him and why not with me and all that.

It takes a long time to get there.

It took my wife over two years, coming 9 years after this affair event, to be able to sit and tell me, more or less calmly, that she had wanted me to hurt, to hurt bad, and that she didn't care at the time if I lived or died and that there were days she hoped I'd be in an accident on the way home and die. Why so long? She didn't know herself why. She didn't understand how she could get to that point. She was horrified by it after she came to her senses, couldn't even look at it.

Thankfully, we had a MC who didn't allow rug sweeping and kept us looking at it, kept asking questions about the past. Even over 1 year into it, I asked her "did something bad happen in a hotel room" and her answer was "no". Well, over 2 years into it, she remembered something that had happened in a hotel room 35 years before. Needless to say, it puts the answer to the hotel room question.

I believe that you, the BS, have to recover to the point where you can see these things for what they are, whether your spouse confesses or not, whether they work with you or not, and you have to be in charge of your recovery. It has been a long and hard three years for me since D-Day, but the last year has been much better than even before D-Day.

I understand what this all was, most of the time.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Garnet
Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Can you please send me the video too, I think it may be very helpful!! Thx


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
confusedsad
New Member
Member # 39298
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Can I jump on the band wagon and have you pm me the video link too? Thank you!


Me- Betrayed - married 16 years
Him- 2 week affair with someone at work
9 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013 | From: confusedsad
SuperSadWife
New Member
Member # 39896
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Hi All..
New here but struggling with this whole sex thing.. That was something precious between us and he had stopped with me 5 years back because of his ED..he kept telling me he had no desire at all.. Didn't want to talk to the GP about it. I said then let's go together since making love was such a big part of our relationship. I have a high libido. So for me I shut down when he said that .. So I was shocked when I found out he could with her.. Then during an arguement he told me he was no longer attracted to me and i was mean. so i had already started my diet months before he started for myself... i have lost almost 85 pounds but its hard to compete with a 25 yr old tiny asian Biyaych. After I found out we had the hysterical bonding... So it was great and with no help.. but then quickly Mind games started.. He ended up going to the doc got the blue pill which helps but expensive as hell. So no it's a toss.. If I feel he losing interest or something feels wrong I think it's me and shut off.. I hate it... Making love connected us so much.. No it makes me sick.. I have lost more weight because I can't eat or just end up drinking myself to sleep..
Please send the link..
Any help is welcome.
:(


Me (50)BW
Him (46) FWH
DD 17 and seriously hurt by this all..
Married for 18 years..together 20yrs
EA 2009- 23 yr old that has a childhood crush on my husband. named her child after my husband...sick girl on & off +2years stopped when he started

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Hi
Could you send me that video as well. I really need something that will stop my thoughts of them together.
Thanks
Together: 30 years
Married: 26 years
Affair: 1 - 6 mos
2nd - 3 years
Husband left last Oct 17th and returned January 1st.
Still working at it!!!

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Target  Posted: 3:51 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm a little uncomfortable that this thread is still proving popular - I know that sounds a little weird - but I really do want people to not think that this video is a magic wand that will dispel your mind movies. Please read carefully what Getting to Happy said about how it helper her and also read the following from painpaingoaway who originally shared the link on another post:

If anyone wants the video link you must PM me and ask for it. It is something that may be offensive to some people, and I do NOT want to get into trouble for offending anyone, so, therefore, you must specifically ask me in a PM for the link.
Also, it is NOT helpful to a male BS, so do not ask for it unless you are prepared to take a chance that it might make your mind movies worse.

For me, personally, it didn't help - don't get me wrong I wasn't offended, nor did it make me worse, but it wasn't what helped me. I'm focussing very much on the words of our MC who helped me to come to terms with what happened in my WH's situation and it's very much down to individuals.

Ask for the link by all means but please don't think it's a magic pill!


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

For me, at 2 years out, the only thing that has helped is *time*. Uhg, how I detest that word. I still have mind movies, but not as bad as the beginning. I know that after 2 years of questioning every last detail about FWH and MOW I've come to realize there was no great romance. It still hurts, yes. I had this hot and heavy romance built up in my head, but I have slowly come to realize how childish it was.

If the mind movies don't get any better, you might want to look into EMDR therapy. It's hard to get thru.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
KitKat23
New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Could you please send me the video too? Glad (and sorry...) that I'm not the only one struggling with this.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Ditto! I would love the link. I have actually photos ingrained in my mind. I would love to replace them

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 39