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Just Found Out
User Topic: I can feel it coming...
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

...those feelings. I'm going to break, I just know it.
My WH has picked up a new hobby, bowling. He lied about it at first and it was picked up during his A so I had a hard time with it. He begged me to go with him last week and watch and meet the team and their spouses. I did and it was ok.
He SWEARS the OW never went with him or came to watch.
My problem is he is having fun.
I sold all my show animals. A passion that runs very deep in me. I sold them right after DDay and some times that is why I cry. I miss them horribly!!! This is a big week for shows and I'm not going to any.
So, seeing him have fun doing something he likes is just making me feel worse that my animals are gone and I have nothing fun to do.

Just having a pity party I guess.
Someone please tell me it's normal to not want them to have fun when you can't.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Someone please tell me it's normal to not want them to have fun when you can't.

One of my post dday requirements was that FWW and I find some things we could do to have fun together. I can find and have fun plenty on my own, but if I am on my own and FWW is having fun on her own, why are we M?

I do not mean that we do not and should not do things together. But, if neither of you has a fun activity or hobby, the first couple of things ought to be things you enjoy together.

OTOH, can you get back into showing? After dday I returned to hobbies I gave up or set aside when I M. I do not at all feel guilty (any more) spending money on things I enjoy.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
DOH!  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

You are still hurting so it hurts that much more to see him be "joyful" when you feel like you are sinking in a pit of quicksand.

It is totally understandable.

Please realize that men and women process most things very differently. The WS usually wants to move on very quickly because they want to get away from the ugliness and despair they've caused.

The BS on the other had has to deal with the eternal questions of who, how, when and WHY? Not fair but reality.

I agree with atsenaotie. Find something YOU want to do and do it. It is time to start to rebuild YOU.

Don't worry about the pity party. I go to one almost daily. Whatever helps you get through the day.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Someone please tell me it's normal to not want them to have fun when you can't.

You just found out this past month and he picked up a new hobby that you barely invited to as a spectator??? WHAT?

It is totally normal to want to be soothed by your loving husband trying to make amends for betraying you.

This guy has the wrong idea of what a remorseful WH should be doing. He should be spending all of his free time with you trying to help you to heal from his nasty trysts!!

UGH?!? Where do these WH come from?? Rainbow Fartland of selfish assholes?!?

This guy needs to be shook up. If you are feeling crazy and out of sorts he needs to be your Knight in shining armor, not a tin foil wrapped fool, blithely tripping along stepping on your neck while your try to breathe!

Try having a calm convo about how you are feeling...about the bowling, about the show animals...everything. He needs to show some simpatico! If he does not get that you are in pain, actively listen and work on himself...

DETACH, it is time for the 180 BABY!!!

He does not get to have a great time with his AP, wipe his feet on you with her in tow and now spend time out, away from you, looking for fun.

It is all about what you will accept. But it will help if you approach these issues in a calm manner. Sort of like speaking to an idiot or an immature teenager.

I am sorry that I am so livid for you. I just don't get how the injured party needs to explain how very devastated you are and how they can help. BUT after you have made your case and he still remains a douche'...180!

He should not reap the benefits of being married to an honest, loving wife. Especially since he tried to fire you from that job! And now you are offering him the gift of Reconciliation. That is a very precious gift. Don't let him squander it.

Let him see what it like when nobody gives a shit about his wants and needs. Kinda like he is treating you now.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I am wondering why you had to sell your show animals...Why did you have to give up activity/animals that you loved?


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Nov 2011
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

He asked me to go with him again tonight. I just don't feel like it. And I can't join him in this hobby. I use to bowl a lot as a child but I have really long nails (a signature of my style that ive had for 25+ years) and can't hold a ball now.
I'm pretty good at putting on the act of "everything's fine" but I just can't do it tonight and I know I will break down and don't want to do that in front of these people I just met last week.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I sold them because they are a lot of work. They take dedication and time. I'm not in a state where I could properly do that and it's not fair to them.
I also sold them because I thought if I leave I wouldn't have anywhere to put them and I wouldn't leave them behind. I also could peobably mot affird them on my own. It gave me a small peace of mind knowing if I was going to jump ship I could do it in one trip...if that makes sense?


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Cosmo, hop over to General and read "Role Reversal" It's new, and short right now. But, it's to the point.
Don't be walked on. You are stronger than you know.
If we haven't spoken to you about bitch boots, dig yours out of the closet, they are waiting for you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500744

[This message edited by fourever at 5:54 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I just read "role reversal".
Maybe just in time!
I told him how I felt about going tonight. At first he seemed reluctant but, spun around quickly.
I was feeling guilty about not wanting him to have a good time but, screw that!! This is HIS fault I'm in this dysfunctional mood and he can have fun when I feel better!!


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I completely understand what you are saying about being able to jump ship in one trip..
I worried that your response would be that your WH pressured you into giving up shows/sell animals so that you would have more time for him


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Nov 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I showed animals for most of my life until I was in my 30s. I understand the committment, the money, and the joy that this brings to you. And yes, making sure my animals would be safe would have been one of my primary goals too.

I would like you to consider that you DO need to get at least one preferably back or somehow stay connected to your show community. Can you work the shows, volunteer to help another handler, or anything else? You need to stay connected to something that YOU value and that is a big part of your emotional life. And of course, having an animal, show or pet, is certainly an investment in unconditional love. And you certainly can use some of that now. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4937 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 11