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New Beginnings
User Topic: He said this... and it turned me on
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Things are going well with the guy I have been seeing (ex-best friend of ex-husband, I know, it’s twisted.)

So last night near the end of a two hour phone conversation, out of the blue, he says: “Want_To_Forgive, I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.”

Why did I find this statement sexy as hell? I mean seriously, if he had been with me I think I would have jumped on him. Should I be concerned that I am turned on by such a blatantly anti-feminist statement?

Or is it OK that I do want that, a manly man who respects and treasures me but I can allow to take the lead?


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh my! I got excited just reading tbose words.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I see nothing blatantly anti feminist about that at all. Independence and equality doesn't mean you want a cold, wishy-washy, pushover for a partner. Tender, yet firm and strong is quite ideal whether you are male or female.

Posts: 3385 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I also want a manly man who is kind, loving, and yet knows his own mind and can make wise decisions.

Maybe this means I need more time in IC !!


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

LOL you guys, maybe I am totally over analyzing this. It was the "firm" part that I was questioning... but you are right, I don't want someone I can push around. And firm doesn't mean that he will push me around, just that he will, well, be firm. I like firm.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

MMMMMmmmm! FIRM. I like firm too.

(cough)

Back on the bus for me


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1177 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm all for sweet words and summer promises, but you know what we say: ACTIONS that match the words.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

You lost me at firm; that smacks of control to me, and this reforming control freak would not be interested...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.

I don't see this as particularly controlling or anti-feminist at all. I think it's pretty sexy... And I think it can work for either sex.

My translation: someone who you can rely upon when the going gets tough to be there for you emotionally and help support and guide you.

I have it now with my SO. I never had it with my XH. When I need him to help me make a decision, he will. When I need him to lay back, he will. I just know I can rely on him if all fails. It's a great feeling.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

It's probably just the choice of word, and not the context of what was said, but I'm with SiA. A man telling me I needed a man who would be firm with me? Huge turn-off.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Tender, firm and strong: very paternal, no?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Well you can't get it on without being firm. It sounds like he was talking about the act itself. No wonder it was a turn on.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

^^^

And, er, what am I doing in this thread, anyway? It's like I walked into the ladies room and started chatting...

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:10 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Onceinalifetime, paternal? That wasn't the feeling I got from the statement. It was a little more like sexy cave man meets modern day sweet heart. This guy has got me thinking about him all the time, but I am trying hard to be smart and cautious.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Sad and inconnu, you picked up on the part that has me second guessing myself. I am woman hear me roar... Lol. I will watch his actions, so far they have been very sweet. He is very complimentary and has done some HUGE favors for me without being asked since we started seeing each other. But, he is 45 and has been single more than in a relationship since he got divorced when he was 24. He says he has just been waiting for someone like me, that I am one in a million for him. That actually scares me that I won't live up to his expectations.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Want.... Those words are sexy to me. Ya know sometimes when its just "bedroom talk" its very sexy where actions don't need to match words except well....

Anyway, you would know if he. Was being bedroom playful with the roles.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Don't overthink it and see what his actions are. In my experience, my XH would say similar things but for him it meant being controlling and making sure I always felt a bit insecure about myself. With my SO, it is a whole different experience. He acts like a true man and I don't mind him taking the lead at times.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

As was said don't try and read into it too much. Lets face it here friends. We all need someone who is firm with us when we need them to be. All jokes aside, I cant count the number of times I would be off doing something that was really stupid. And if I had someone to pull back a bit my life would have been better for it. IMHO that's what a real loving relationship is. A SO is the Ying to your Yang. They balance and complete you. When your off your game they pick up the slack and vice versa. And sometimes that requires a firm stance. At others a tender word or touch is all it requires. I don't think its control. I think its his/her responsibility to hold up your end when you cant. That's what a real relationship is to me. But what do I know ? I'm just some dumb guy.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Nov 2007
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.

Yes, please

The last thing I want is a man who is a pushover. I want a man who can stand his own with me....an equal.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13749 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

IL!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

he says: “Want_To_Forgive, I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.”

Sorry to be the voice of dissent on this, but this sounds like a player's pick up line.

Not that the sentiment of it isn't appealing. But for him to feel the need to declare it? I don't know, just odd to me thats all.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:07 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Sad and inconnu, you picked up on the part that has me second guessing myself. I am woman hear me roar.

Like I said, it could just be the choice of the word firm that bugs me. I do know I need, and have, a man who can hold his own against me and isn't afraid to voice his opinion when it doesn't agree with mine. But he's equally as good at listening, and respecting, my thoughts and opinions even if he doesn't agree with me.

The word firm reminds me of Ricky and Lucy, of I Love Lucy fame. He had to be firm with her because otherwise she didn't live up to his expectations of how a wife should behave. Yeah, I know it was a tv show, and yeah, I know it was from a gazillion years ago and times and expectations have changed since then. But still, that's the picture I get in my head when I hear the word - the husband who has to control the wife, for her own good.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I'm with Sad and inconnu... it would make me feel like someone feels like they have to keep me in line or something. No thanks.

Unless we're talking that wimmenz locker room talk, that is. Then yeah, leave it in.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 6:41 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Heck, I didn't even get to the "firm" part before I felt squirmy. The "need" and "you need" gave me icky feelings. I don't like that "you need" line. Unless, of course, that's what you were talking about and said it to him first or asked what he thought you needed but I would't do that. Then again, I am not dating and that's probably a good thing. It's all a big to me.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7474 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

oh I love it. That's right up my alley - and what I want... NEED


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

It reminded me of Rhett butler saying " you need to be kissed often, by a man that knows how."


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7640 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I can appreciate the intended sentiment, but seriously, no way in Hell am I going to allow anyone to tell me what I need - man or woman, tender or tough, firm or flaccid , strong or weak.

ROAR!!!


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

WM: "you need to be kissed often, by a man who knows how."

Yes, please!

I am hopeless. LOL


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I would also be irritated by anyone, especially a date/boyfriend telling me what I need. Regardless of how often I told waffle, pre-S, that he needed to get his head out of his ass. I also don't like firm... I agree it sounds paternal. Almost in a "don't worry your pretty little head" way.

I don't want to be a downer, but I'm not a big fan of "waiting for someone like you". That sounds pedestal-y.

Again, sorry to be a downer. It may have come across differently depending on the context.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, July 5th (Friday)

WOW!!!! I gotta tell you ladies that this thread was a very interesting read for a guy. The more I think I know women.... the more I realize I really don't know sh*t.

Anyway thanks for the info cause the more I get of that... the less likely I'll hook up with another "weed pulling stalker" next time.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

As a guy, I simply cannot fathom making this comment to a member of the opposite sex. How condescending.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Topic Posts: 31