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User Topic: lessons by reading SI
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Wanted to say thank you to all who post and speak from experience. I lurk out here since finding your site. Without it I'd be even more a mess and would be doing all the wrong things. But from reading everything I can get my hands on and reading the posts, I've come to expect the unexpected...

my WSO of 18 years left in midMay with no explanation, nada, nothing except a text saying he loved me and always would but something was missing. I was bewildered, stunned, hurt since we had just had dinner and spoke of our upcoming vacation. I found out his reason and OW 2 weeks later. since that time I've been a wreck but in IC.

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence. I reached out to WSO and he'd only respond with a text "it's too painful for me to talk right now"

Ummm, hello? Painful for HIM???

Fast forward to this past Sunday. i have house emergency that needs attention no exception. I try contacting every guy I know to help plus contractors but try reaching anyone on a sunny sunday afternoon...I had no choice but to contact WSO for help because I needed muscle for the house emergency. He actually says he'll help.

So...Monday afternoon he arrives. We see each other and he acts like I had just seen him 2 minutes ago and launches right into trying to fix the problem at my house.

I start talking to him - of course what he didn't want - and out of the blue he actually said to me "wow, you've lost weight".

Ummm, hello? Yes, you walked out of my life with no explanation. I've barely eaten anything in 1.5 months. Everyone else is asking me if I'm ill...

I talk, I tell him what I feel, what I'd like to see occur with "us" but if OW is still in picture it wouldn't work. He says they are still involved. Then starts in on how "I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't do that" and "he wasnt sure what he wanted and our relationship wasn't what it had been" blah blah blah

I asked him if he saw him and OW as a long-term relationship and it continuing. He said he wasn't sure, he would never love her like he still loves me, that he envisioned growing old with me, but that he didn't plan to stop seeing her. But since we hadnt been getting along, he didn't know what else to do.

what?? how about talking to me instead of cheating on me

I replied that I will own part of our relationship problems (pre-A) because it wasn't just him, or just me. That I was working through my own issues in IC.

But then I add "but you know what, I will not own your CHOICE for deciding to cheat on me. You alone made that choice, I had nothing to do with it". I repeated that statement more than once throughout the conversation...my mantra

As you say after that statement....crickets.

I asked what caused him to make that decison. OMG, hang on because I can't even make this stuff up. We had had a stupid tiff that night over CORN ON THE COB. he said that is what caused it!

a stupid tiff over CORN ON THE COB is what made him decide to cheat on me? it sounded so ludicrous I almost laughed.

So in summary, from all my SI reading I learned during our conversation that:
he is in a deep fog (won't end it with OW)

he is trying to eat cake (he loves me but won't end it with OW)

blame shifting (corn on the cob caused him to cheat)

reinventing history (he made up 3 different versions of the same incident)

he fell silent when faced with indisputable facts (he made a choice to cheat)

the 180 is becoming my friend.

IC is very helpful

the future is unknown and no final decisions will be made yet

thank you everyone,it does help to read the posts and articles. its sinking in. what a horrible way to get to know one anothr but its good to know there are others who understand and can empathize knowing the incredible pain infidelity causes.

and sometimes just to share the dumb things that can be said in life...like corn on the cob made him to decide to cheat. good grief!


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Have you seen a lawyer TRD?

Have you secured your finances?

ETA: Have you had a full STD panel done?

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 9:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2012
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

.. so sorry you are here dealing with this bombshell..

..corn on the cob??? HOLY CRAP...that has to be a new one here at SI..

"CORN_ON_THE_FUCKING_COB" ??????????

..that should give you an idea of how thick the fog can get for some WS's

..we've heard 'alien abduction'
..we've heard 'the devil made me do it'
..we've heard 'it was an out of body experience'!!

..but CORN,.....on the COB no less???

..i'd be telling him where he can put that Cob of corn, with or without the butter!

..(((((TheRD)))))

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

corn on the cob caused him to cheat

I'm sorry - but what a complete maroon. This has to be one of the most ridiculous "whys" ever on SI. Ranks right up there with the WS who cheated because his wife used too many kinds of cheese in a recipe.

You sound like you've got your head on straight, RealDeal. Sending you continued strength. And hugs. ((((TRD))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

oh my...

Corn on the Cob...

It is a horrible food no doubt. It makes me eat too much butter and salt. It made your WH cheat. terrible terrible corn! Was it yellow corn or silver queen? Did you boil it or grill it? Maybe it was too many silks that made him overly anxious to see his lover?

What a delusional bunch of hogwash!!!

sorry you had to join this wonderful group of support.

(((TRD)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Ranks right up there with my GF's H telling her that he left because her serving him bagged salad was proof she didn't love him.

You can't make this stuff up. you just can't.... it boggles the mind.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

..

corn on the cob, and now 'bagged salad'..?????

..that's it!!!! I'm going off all vegetables..

..i'm not taking any chances.. i just hope i don't have to give up fresh fruit or chocolate!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

((Real)) I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you found SI. It sounds like you've already done a lot of reading on here and you're doing what you can to cope. Make sure you take care of yourself - drink water, try to eat, try to get some sleep. I'm so glad you have a therapist, and I also hope you have family or friends to talk with.

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence.

I'm betting the therapist didn't think CORN ON THE COB would be the explanation. That is the lamest, stupidest thing I have ever read on this board and that is saying something.

Unfortunately, many of us never get a reason that makes any kind of sense. I know I never did. What I finally got to was an acceptance that this had happened to me, and acceptance that it would never make sense. After a certain point, it no longer matters why - you just have to let it go and move forward. It's so early for you and I know that sounds impossible. It will take time but you will get there. I am also a BS that was completely abandoned - I get it.

As you mentioned, the 180 is your friend- focus on you. Protect yourself - see a lawyer, see a doctor for STD testing. Keep reading, keep posting.

Hugs to you ((Real))

[This message edited by kernel at 9:55 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

OMG! Corn on the Cob! Water come out of my nose on this one. And your right, you can't make this shit up.

Maybe he should joing Kajam's friend husband for dinner.

What an ass.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

t/j (thread jack) an apology of sorts for going off topic

anybody else snicker when "kernel" posted on this thread??

end t/j

TRD, thank you for posting tonight! This keeps coming back to mind in one of those "you can't make this shit up" ways.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I love the illogical things WS will grasp hold of. Corn on the Cobb. How could you!

Mine was that I didn't fill the dogs water bowl often enough. Therefore I had lost love and respect for my fWS!?!

You really can't make this shit up,


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

anybody else snicker when "kernel" posted on this thread??

cg, I more than snickered.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

LOL This post is becoming hilarious!
And yes I did snicker when Kernel posted.
I wish my XWS would have blamed his loose zipper on my cooking skills but instead he & his hoe blamed me with unforgivable personal insults which almost made me go over the edge....If it wasn't for my kids and this site I am not sure I would have made it back.
This site showed me I DON'T HAVE THE ISSUES AND PROBLEMS HE DOES! The blame shifting, the Fog, & the reinventing history were almost too much for me to handle. This site and a good book called "Not Just Friends" helped me a lot.
TheRealDeal I am amazed at your strength this new into the discovery. Stay strong and do some investigating you might be surprised just how much you can figure out on your own...sometimes the little things you ignored before will come back as gigantic red flags now.
Put the puzzle together and then go in for the surprise attack cause anything you ask him now will be BS. Hmmm like corn on the cob
Kudos to SoManyYears response


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I was told I was a "shit wife" because I didn't cook or drive.

I asked if DD OWUglyIndian cooks or drives.

Nope.

It was the very first big belly laugh I had over this whole mess.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

It really was just the dumbest excuse I've ever heard in my life and had to share. I'm glad you found the humor in it, too.

IC session is Monday afternoon so I'll be telling him about corn on the cob.... i can almost guarantee he's never heard that one before

I am definitely looking out for myself and making sure I cover all bases before making decisions.

thanks much for all the support you've given and continue to give. Couldnt be making it thru this without it.
friends/family are great but since they've never experienced it, they don't really quite know or understand the conflicting feelings and uncertainty, nor what type of advice to give. they do try but sometimes I don't want advice, just for them to listen and give a hug. and other times I want them to quit asking me all the time if I'm okay. If I was okay, I'd be back to my "normal" self...whatever that is anymore


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

RealDeal - you're doing great. I hope IC goes well for you on Monday.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I guess you weren't minding your peas and carrots. I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.

I thought the same thing.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

((TheRealDeal))

I worked with a woman who was having an affair with a married man. One of the reasons she cited to me as proof that the BW didn't deserve that wonderful man of hers was this - "She buys crunchy peanut butter and he likes creamy." Clearly she just didn't understand him like my coworker, his twue wuv and soulmate, did.

I told her that he was a douche and needed to buy his own damn peanut butter and get over it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.

Please stop......ROTFLMAO


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Mine said it was because I was right all the time; not that I rubbed his face in it--I actually had the right answers all the time. I'm such a beast! The OW is not the brightest bulb in the package, so I guess she makes him feel adequate, if not superior...

It just goes to prove if their lips are moving, they're lying.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Okay, snicker away people. The REALLY funny thing about me posting on this thread? I chose my name because I was staring at the dinner on my plate trying to come up with something, and yes I was eating CORN.

eta: sorry for the t/j RealDeal

[This message edited by kernel at 9:25 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

First off - (((TRD)))
You seem to be off to a great start in dealing with the shitstorm your spouse has created.
Keep up the good work.

You have a great understanding of the situation. Now the ball is in your court, and when you do decide to act, I'm sure he will be dumbfounded.

The whole kernel/corn on the cob thing had me snorting in my office....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Oh hon, I am so sorry,,,

But the Corn on Cob???? Come on...

However, I got this one:
You left the front door opened(screen was locked) and you were in backyard! What if someone broke in??????

The Corn on Cob is the WINNER!

You should have said: Yeah, well if I would have know that corn on cob would make you cheat, I should have shoved it up your ass so you feel my hurt!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Real -
Besides adding my I want to say thank you for pointing out what you have learned, I too have learned those things from SI and appreciate all of you SO MUCH!
I believe that because you can laugh a little you are going to make it through this! No matter the outcome, you are surviving!
I got some completely stupid comments but you really have a "prize" with that one.
Hang in there and just keep laughing, it will get you through the tough times!
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

They make up stuff. Mine was that I didn't put the mail in the mail box right away and it was on the table for days.

They just think of any excuse they can. Anything that pops into their pea brain head.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence. I reached out to WSO and he'd only respond with a text "it's too painful for me to talk right now"

This approach doesn't help at all if an explanation is not forthcoming.

In fact, you can heal just fine, with or without an explanation. Feel your feelings, get in touch again with the loving, lovable, capable person you are.

The A is about your H, not you, and your healing simply doesn't require any understanding at all of your H's dysfunction, unless you aim to R - and he's made R impossible right now. (If he gets his head straight and realizes he wants to stay M to you, he'll talk, and you can get the explanation then - but it's unnecessary unless R becomes a possibility.)

Follow through with the 180, change your locks, take as much of the M assets as you can, and let your H find out what real pain is.

I know this is excruciating for you, but you can heal and thrive a lot easier without your H than with him, given where he is right now.

(((TRD)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Well, how interesting. Not a word from him for past 1.5 months and in past 2 days he tries to contact me couple times a day or he tries to come by.

I swear he must be delusional but I see his actions are very common when they are still foggy.

I also need to mention that 2 weeks after he left I went and bought myself a bright red Vespa scooter. Oh yes I did! I've been wanting one for years, and right here on SI it said try something new....so I did. I love it and highly recommend for any BS who had enjoyed riding a motorcycle with WS. Get yourself a scooter instead! bought my money, my name only.

Okay, so back to another SI lesson learned..

We had been planning week vacation at lake house in neighboring state in late July. Obviously that won't be happening for me. I asked him what was he planning to do.
HIM: I'm still going.
ME: Okay.
HIM: If you still want to go, you can come up. But only Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday. You'd need to leave Wednesday. I have someone else coming up for rest of week.
ME: crickets
HIM: so, will you be coming up?
ME: crickets

What I wanted to do: smack him upside the head and I am not a violent person!

SI 180 lesson: don't let them see it bothers you even though I thought I'd get sick..disengage.

A few minutes later...
HIM: My motorcycle is leaking oil, blah blah blah
ME: Oh?
HIM: I might not be able to take it to the lake house
ME: Oh?
HIM chuckling! maybe I could take your scooter to the lake house
ME: The only person who will be sitting on that scooter is me so don't think otherwise.
HIM chuckling again: Well maybe I'll just take it
ME: If I see my scooter is not in my garage I will report it stolen.
HIM: What?!
ME: you heard me
HIM: you aren't serious?
ME: try me
Needless to say the whole conversation regarding "our" trip was dropped.

SI lessons:
they realy are oblivious to their own stupidity when they are foggy.

Bitch Boots do make a difference

I might be crying tears of pain in just a shortwhile (emotional rollercoaster) but for right now, at this moment, I will enjoy how i handled it.

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 6:22 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Good gosh WS are really victims of alien brain swaps. But, really, if your WH can have an A because the corn did not fit into his perfected definition of marriage, what does his cheating allow you to do?

Corn = f*cking whore

Cheating husband = ?...

About the trip. How would OW feel if you went? Maybe stayed and decided not to leave? Cooked corn on the cob and told them to shove it?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
DefiledRage
Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I have someone else coming up for rest of week.

Seriously? Corn on the cob? Does he smell like a moonshine still when he comes by? This guy is in the fog of all fog.
Think you'd feel a bump if you ran over him with your scooter? That fog is so thick, bet he wouldn't even see you coming if you turned the headlight on.
Keep your head up RealDeal! You deserve better!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:12 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

thank you Lovedyoumore! To be honest I hadn't thought of that but now you've given me an option to consider! You're right, there is nothing either one of them can do if I'm already there and just don't leave. I don't know if I'd have the strength to go thru with it but I'm definitely not discarding the suggestion.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Take some friends with you. Have a party!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

omg therealdeal you are amazingly so strong so early on. I don't know what I would have done if my WS would have said come but leave early cause I have someone else to F*** the rest of the week after you!!! Seriously
How about you go to the lake house and take a girlfriend to talk to. I did that when my SIL came to visit I rented a hotel room on the beach and her and I went and I read all his and hoes sexting to each other and we cried and she made me laugh..
Change the locks it could be as easy as re-keying then lock the house up and go away for a few days.
It might help.... you already seem so strong.
Good Luck!


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Wow, just Wow.
you know they use to recommend keeping vampires away by hanging garlic from the windows and doors.
I think you know where I am going with this.
do you think he could take a hint?

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2984 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Could you, like, rent a top of the line motorcycle for a while?

I mean, wouldn't it be cool to have it sitting in the garage while he's dealing with his unusable wheels?

I know that might require you to give him too much space in your head, but it sounds like it could be worth it.... Risky, though, if your H stole it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:18 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Oh, I am enjoying this thread. Corn on the cob. Screen doors left open. Crunchy peanut butter. A dog's water dish. Jeez.

My first husband--WH#1--whom I had no desire to reconcile with--told me that my sin was putting dirty dishes on the wrong side of the kitchen after dinner. That's all he could come up with.

RealDeal, I LOVE the fact that you bought yourself a bright red Vespa! Wowza! Good for you! I almost hope your WH takes it, and you report it stolen, and he ends up spending a night or two in jail.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

I'm sure you mis-heard him.
He said it was the whore on his cob, that caused all these problems...
Really.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

I also need to mention that 2 weeks after he left I went and bought myself a bright red Vespa scooter. Oh yes I did! I've been wanting one for years, and right here on SI it said try something new....so I did. I love it and highly recommend for any BS who had enjoyed riding a motorcycle with WS. Get yourself a scooter instead! bought my money, my name only.

I love this! Congrats on your new scooter RealDeal. And the exchange with your WS about how it is off limits. Excellent.

I remember an exchange with my alien pod person (husband) when we were discussing separating before I knew he was having an affair. I was getting the house and was fixing it up and using HIS tools. I bought most of them as gifts for him because he used to love home improvement projects which he had long quit doing. He came home one day after I'd installed something and asked how I did that, in amazement. I grabbed the drill and just did it. MY drill? he laughed. I said tools are required for home ownership - the tools stay with the house. It's my drill now.

I still remember the look on his face. BOOM. He realized he was no longer needed. He thought he would remain 'my handyman'. Drop by and fix stuff for me and watch TV and hang out like you see on sitcoms. I shot a hole right through that plan by becoming very self-sufficient very quickly.

Even though we are R'ing, I still take pleasure in that memory of how it messed with his head and how empowering it felt. I didn't need him. Enjoy this feeling RealDeal and let it strengthen to you in the coming days. Keep bursting his insanity bubbles.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Its been a few days since WSO and my exchange took place about upcoming vacation...remember he only wants me there part of the week because he invited OW for the other few days.

Some of you suggested I go and just not leave until I'm ready to leave.

I've been giving that idea serious consideration since then.

When I told him yesterday that I'm considering going (he believes only for the days he wants me to)he said that she probably wouldn't go at all then. Which is just fine with me, duh! I'll need nerves of steel if she actually does arrive.

I'm wavering because I've been crying/breaking down in private over this horrid mess he's put us over the past 2 days but then this afternoon something inside me began to build...rage?...and now I want to call his bluff.

It's my vacation week, too, why should he be the only one to enjoy the lake house?? Is this just temporary insanity thoughts I am having?

Should I not go at all, or go only for the "approved" days or go for as long as I darn well please? Right now I'm feeling the last option is the right one for me!

what are your opinions? I know ultimately this will be up to me but I'd like your input because you are the ones who can relate to this kind of crap and give real-life advice.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
RedRaven6500
Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I say: do whatever you need or want to do for you. If you want to go and relax at the lake house, then do. Just know that the OW may be there at any given time.....or not at all. Enjoy it for you, don't let WH or OW ruin it for you. Stay as little or as long as you feel comfortable. Screw WH and whatever little scheming plan he may (or may not) have in his head. Honestly, it sounded to me like he was feeling you out with the comment about him needing the lake house to himself for a few days. Just trying to see if you would freak out, explode or .... not care. The fact you didn't take the bait probably pissed him off more than if you would have said anything at all. It sounds like he got just what he thought he wanted (the OW so they could play house and be in luv) and he got a big dose of reality instead! Hey babe, can you fix this, do that and oh by the way, you are staying at my place and this is how this is going to work. The glitter and roses don't look so good any more when the OW starts treating him like an adult and starts expecting him to man up. And she's going to not like some of his habits, or telling her "well my W used to _____ fill in the blank. I'm sure he's kicking himself in the ass right now, especially since you gave him the indifferent treatment.


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 40