|Just Found Out|
Topic: Not Strong Enough ... Not Now
Member # 38900
| Posted: 9:30 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
Last night, was an event. I failed. Big Time. I let myself cry in his arms. After talking, discussing all possibilities of our existing marriage, past, present and future, at the end, I failed. I failed cause I let him see that I wanted us to be together. So he now has something over me. It comes down to this ... I am not strong enough right now to follow this through. I am speaking about further hell. For the moment, I have enough hell to deal with.
I do not need the $875. polygraph test to convince me that he is still lying. I know he is. The point here is "what do I want to do". And I am not strong enough to make a move right now.
I am on leave at the moment. I was very concerned about jeopardizing my work ethics while going through this, so I am taking some time to sleep, to read and yes to walk the beach with my dog.
Me 55 (heart has aged lately, mind is wiser)
Together 36 years
2 Boys & 1 Girl - 1 grandchild
DD April 5, DD April 18, DD June 22, 13
"The things, which are impossible with men are possible with God".
Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Member # 37656
| Posted: 10:08 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
Oh livebythesea, don't be so hard on yourself. You are in hell right now, a horrible nightmare. I know that I was still very much in love with my husband for a while after Dday. You can't just turn that off.
He has nothing over you. Only if you let him.
Take the time you need right now. Sleep, read. Walk on the beach with your dog, post messages here, read the healing library, rely on the support of your friends and family. I took a lot of hot baths and lots of cups of hot tea.
I know that I have found an inner strength that I did not know I had. I have not always had clarity and have made some knee jerk decisions. But I am okay.
I did consult with an attorney just to find out what my options and rights were. Information made me feel more empowered. I also talk to friends and family member that I trust.
You are not alone, we are here for you.
Separated, divorcing. I deserve more than a liar and a cheat.
Posts: 360 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 38975
| Posted: 10:21 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
You did not fail. There is no guide book or course catalogue to say how to handle infidelity.
We all simply try to do the best we can and take it day by day.
He failed when he chose to cheat on you. He failed his wife, his marriage, his vows and his family.
You are simply trying to make sense of it on figure out which way is up.
You let yourself cry in his arms and let him know you care because you are human. You need comfort. You need reassurance. A very normal human reaction. Don't be too hard on yourself for this.
Even if you don't go through with the poly now, please get into IC for you. If you are and its not working, look for a different one.
This has to be about YOU right now. You have to find your footing and
absorb and learn to accept that this horrible thing has happened and is now apart of your life.
TIME - that horrible four letter work - time.
Follow you heart and just take it one day at a time. You will find your way to the other side one way or the other.
Do whatever it is right now that you need to do to make it through the day and feel okay.
It is a long hard journey but you are stronger than you think.
Good luck and know that we are rooting for you.
If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
Posts: 767 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 21101
| Posted: 10:48 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
Don't beat yourself up. It's OK. We all have to work through this on our own timeline.
Focus on you. You are the only thing you can truly control in this whole shitstorm. You can decide what you want, and how you want it, and you can make that happen. You however cannot force him to be honest, be remorseful, or pull his head out of his rear for him. You can however make life difficult for him should he not choose to do those things.
Read the 180, get yourself to an IC, and focus on you.
You do NOT have to make a decision today, or tomorrow, or next week. Find your footing, gain some strength back, and then some decisions will be easier.
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 5062 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 6908
| Posted: 11:04 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
I remember those days. Take it one day at a time.
I started little by little. Instead of the giant step of a poly, which you can still do down the road, why not start with looking into smaller things, like the cell phone records, credit card bills....things like that. I also finally decided to buy a VAR for his car but since I had never done this (never thought I had to check into things like this) it took awhile for me to get my courage up....almost like "I" was the one doing something wrong instead of having the rite to answers.
So start by just the things you can take one day at a time. Each thing will empower you to do another. Sometimes we give up too much of ourselves to another and you need a little more control in your own life.
Posts: 5421 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Member # 39077
| Posted: 11:34 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
You didn't do anything wrong. Not a single thing. It's a funny position, isn't it? Having to protect yourself from the most intimate connection we have? The push/pull between the betrayal and "what should be" is such a quagmire of pain, hope, and disorientation.
You were honest. You showed honest emotion. That's an honorable and human and beautiful thing. If he chooses to take advantage of it or use it against you, that's doubly damning to him.
Give yourself credit and recognize that what happened was you being authentic, real, and YOU.
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - Khalil Gibran
Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Arizona
Member # 38121
| Posted: 11:39 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
I just read your other thread and saw that he's made about 5 different excuses NOT to take the polygraph test this Friday.
Please tell me you HAVEN'T backed down. Yes, we ALL know he's still lying - that's apparent. But don't hand him this opportunity to NOT take the test after you've stood firm on it. You'll lose your footing if you do that, and he'll steamroll you.
DON'T CANCEL THE POLY!!!!
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.
Posts: 500 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 18429
| Posted: 12:00 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
NeverAgain is right, you have stood firm and told him this is what you've needed. If you back down from it now, then he will never give you what you need unless he wants to because he'll know that he can manipulate you into not doing anything, and that your words don't mean anything and have no consequences or desire to follow through. Right now, you have the chance to change the dynamics in your M, from him being controlling and manipulative and not willing to help you heal, to being a partnership where your voice is equally as important and you are partners with a common goal. It's your choice, but chose carefully.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3857 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 35971
| Posted: 2:11 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
Don't cancel the poly livebythesea.
He won't hurt him to take it and it will show him he can't push you around.
This is an exercise for you livebythesea. It is an opportunity to practice being assertive.
You can do it. We will be here cheering you on and sending you hugs.
Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
Dday May 2012
Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 32214
| Posted: 4:07 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
Might not hurt to completely get away for a while. You mentioned being on leave, so maybe you could just hole up somewhere pretty for a week or two. (If that is possible financially)
Might help you get your feet back under you. We have all had those weak moments when we just want them to love us and we sob and cry. Doesn't mean we can't kick them to the curb the next day if we have to. So, so, sorry for your pain. Nothing like it.
Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.
Posts: 1098 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 30989
| Posted: 7:35 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)|
It's fine to hold off on huge decisions until you're on more solud footing.
Please do not cancel thr poly, though. Have it done, then make decisions as you're ready.
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
(Please excuse typos; my tablet is possessed.)
Posts: 7463 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
|Topic Posts: 11|| |