I am 6 weeks out from DDay and this is my first new topic post. Thanks SI for letting me read and absorb so much support.
I found out about the A from the OW's H in an email - the most shocking, paralyzing feeling came over me. I had no idea he was such a good liar and so deceitful even manipulative. We started MC during the A (when I had no clue) because he said he wasn't happy and didn't think I was happy. I was already hurting from thinking I wasn't a good wife when I got the email about the A.
So after I found out, I demanded NC and demanded all access and that he call her with me on the phone and tell her it was over. At first he said OK, gave me his email passwords, let me see his phone. But when it came time to make the call - he wanted to wait until the next day. I said OK but he'd have to give me his phone and not touch a computer until then. He turned irrational and couldn't do it.
He promises there's NC although they work together so that's highly unlikely. He claimed to me and the MC that he cannot give all access because of his PTSD developed during a lawsuit when everyone was looking into his stuff, examining him, judging him, accusing him of business stuff.
So I am ready for 180. I am an emotional mess and he does not comfort me, does not show the remorse I need AND I have no idea if the A is over or just gone underground.
I told him I wouldn't be going to the MC appt next week, but I'll be going to IC. HE needs to go to IC and work on giving me all access (if we believe the PTSD excuse) and figure out why he wants to stay and why the A happened.
I have let go of trying to make him see how much he's hurt me and how despicable his acts are. It doesn't help ME to see that he doesn't seem to care very much. Now I have my moments of tears when the sadness hits or I figure out another deceptive moment in time and it makes me break down - but not in front of him. I also have very little time to myself with 4 kids ranging from 3 to 14. The littlest is up at 5AM and the oldest goes to bed after me. Its exhausting hiding how I feel all the time!
I am working on list of dealbreakers, boundaries and consequences to give him in writing but its so hard. He is still sleeping in our bed (the first couple of nights he was on the couch) and we have been intimate 2-3 times since this happened but I don't know if that's good or bad for me??? Am I doing that for him or me?
I am so sorry for all the other BS out there that have their WS just leave for the OP. But at the same time I wonder if that's easier and less exhausting that having them stay and half-heartedly try to fix things.