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User Topic: Control The Urge to Lash Out
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

So I've been better lately. Although I don't feel nearly the same devastating pain as before it still hurts tremendously. I feel I've become good at hiding it from others or "dealing" with it on my end.
I've been fairly solid in NC for a couple months, although periodically I'll contact WGF or she'll contact me. Nothing comes from these little contacts. I'm not going to push for some deep talk and hope to see whether she has found the strength to work on her shit. That's on her and so far I haven't seen anything. She'll ask how I am or I'll ask how she is and we both give each other the same generic answer "I'm doing well".
So as I try to remain strong in NC I often find myself suffering in silence, so to speak, and thinking I should just contact her and remind her how horrible what she did to me was and how badly I'm effected by it on daily basis. I don't do this because it seems that's the advice everyone gives. At no point through the wake of this shit storm has she been mean, vindictive or intentionally hurtful. If WGF isn't currently interested in R and hasn't done any real work on herself then it is pointless. I kind of struggle with this because I feel I'm just holding back because its what others tell me what to do. Also I guess I feel I'm remaining NC and trying to convey that I'm moving on because I hope it will cause her to stop worrying about me and start dealing with herself. I know that's not the intent but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for that to be a 3rd party effect. My gains aren't easily measurable anymore so I feel stagnant.
I guess I'm just looking for opinions in this. I assume its normal to be feeling this way as pretty much everything that I've lived through in this has seemingly been "by the book" as far as A go.
I'm away on Army training and will be returning home tomorrow. WGF said she would talk to me when I get home and I'm kind of nervous about this. I don't expect much but my heart and brain wonder "what if she shows progress? What if she says she wants to see if we could work to try again?" She hasn't asked to talk to me of her own volition since this all happened. All communication for the most part has been initiated by me.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Based on the neutrality of the conversations thus far I'd be expecting the opposite - that she is done. Brace yourself for either scenario.

((Brokenheart777)) Some of us have lashed out - some of us haven't... My take has always been that the unremorseful sees that kind of encounter as proof moving on is the right thing... Others report feeling better getting things off their chest - not that it has any impact on the WP or turned them around...

Hang in there! It gets better in spurts.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

She may not be initiating contact because she thinks you don't want it. Kind of like she is afraid to "poke the bear". She is deferring to you to let you set the path of your healing.

Or it could be she has moved on.

You will find out tomorrow.

When you talk to her Bronenheart777, as much as you'll want to lash out and yell and hurt her, try to avoid that.

Instead of making a snide comment to express your pain, instead say how you are feeling and why.

Example" "it really makes me feel worthless that you put someone else as a priority over me"

While a snide comment might make you feel temporarily better, it will most likely put her on the defensive or deep in to a shame state. She isn't going to be able to support you emotionally then.

If you state your emotions, she will be more able to give you reassurance or emotional support and THAT will make you feel better longer than a snide comment.

You will lash out at times. Everyone does. But if you go back and say, "i know I lashed out. What I was trying to convery is (fill in the blank)", in the long run you will get more results.

How have you been dealing with your pain Brokenheart?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Yeah, I have been nothing but cordial since the affair aside from the first 3 days of insanity and pain. I trashed her thoroughly those days via text to the point that she blocked my number. I didn't care at all. I felt emotionally crucified. When I say lash out, I don't mean being "mean". I simply mean initiating contact and just reminding her of what she did and how it makes me feel. I know that trashing her isn't the right move and I just won't do that .

@Take2
In the early days she stated that she would be willing to try again with enough time and healing and that she knows that she needs to work on herself. But as I said, she hasn't done much of anything since then. She has a pattern of passive aggressiveness and running from the biggest problems in her life so this is no surprise. And I agree, lashing out in a negative manner would only solidify the separation and likely would make things worse for me mentally.

She may not be initiating contact because she thinks you don't want it. Kind of like she is afraid to "poke the bear". She is deferring to you to let you set the path of your healing

I could say that this is in fact true. She's talked to my friends and said things along these lines. She's been breaking down and crying from things that remind her of me but she won't show or tell me when she is hurting of feeling remorseful because she thinks it wil cause me more pain. I don't necessarily agree with that but I understand and fully accept it. Based on her actions and what she says to all our friends, it's pretty clear that she hasn't moved on. I've been trying but my she still holds a great deal of my heart. I would honestly be relieved to hear her say that she would never be able to try again. I'm okay with that. Might even help my healing and allow me to move on quicker but I dont think that's the case. I guess I'll find out. Either way, it's all on her to do the work and try. As time goes on, although very slowly, I drift further and further from her. But I still care for her deeply


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

My heart goes out to you - the feeling of helplessness when you care for someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating is excruciating.

Stay strong, and lean on us. You don't have to suffer in silence - it's what we're here for.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Thanks Jrazz, that's exactly how I feel most times. I don't know who this person is anymore. Feel like I've had the blinders on for years.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Feel like I've had the blinders on for years.

There's a name for that - "Trust"

I hate it when BS's beat themselves up for not seeing all the signs. It's comes from loving and trusting your partner, most often because you yourself are trustworthy.

It's not your fault, and you're taking control now.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7