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Just Found Out
User Topic: 13 days after D-Day
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi, everyone … I’m so glad to have found this forum, and so sorry we’re all here for such a sad common cause. A friend recommended SI to me after going through her own experience with infidelity.

On May 24, my husband of almost 10 years (we have three kids together – 6, 4 and 2), told me he “loved me but wasn’t in love with me.” I was shocked and devastated -- I had always thought our marriage was wonderful. He has always been a loving, attentive husband and father.

He said he had felt this way for a very long time – even before we had kids – which flabbergasted me (and which, in retrospect, I think is dubious however true it seems to him right now). I asked if he had feelings for someone else – in particular, A, a female co-worker of his, who I’d also considered a friend of mine (I had long suspected he’d had a crush on her). He’d denied it in the past, and he vigorously denied it after the ILYB talk as well. We decided to start seeing a counselor and trying to reconnect.

I thought things were going really well until June 21, when he broke down and told me he “loves A and wants to be with her.” He said she felt the same way. That really bowled me over. I had always felt that if he had feelings for her, it was one-sided; she’s younger, with no kids and has only been married nine months herself. Apparently I was mistaken. Two weeks after he’d told me that he wasn’t in love with me, he told HER how he felt, and she said she felt the same way, but they both agreed they would try to work on their own marriages. However, they kept doing things like going to lunch together at work; he told me he “just couldn’t stay away.” He also said they did a lot of texting and told each other things like “I love you” and “I miss you.”

He swears that it was emotional only, though they did kiss once (when he told her he loved her). I tend to believe him – at this point, I don’t know if it WOULD be any more painful if he’d slept with her. I asked why he lied to me when I’d asked him about her. He told me that he had wanted to work on things and thought that telling me would just hurt me and make it harder to fix our marriage.

One June 23 (two days after D-Day), he decided to stay at his parents' house, just down the street; he comes over a few times a week to see the kids and help with the house and yard. He says he is not in contact with her right now, and we are keeping our own contact limited to the essentials – house, kids, finances, etc. He is unsure if he feels willing or able to work on our relationship. He is still willing to see our counselor and has read a couple of the books (“I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” and “Not Just Friends”) that I’ve recommended, though.

Our marriage therapist is on a very poorly-timed vacation until the 15th. My FIL is working to try to convince my husband not to throw everything away. I am trying to do "The 180" and praying without ceasing.

I alternate between being confident that the mature, rational, loving man I married has GOT to resurface soon, and despairing that things will ever work out. I am trying to be strong for the kids – I have a lot of support from my friends and family, and his family as well. He knows that I care about him, that I am willing to work like hell to keep our family together. I hate being in limbo, feeling like I can do nothing but wait for him and try to come to his senses. I've been trying to stay busy with the kids and friends and the house (I'm a SAHM), but this not knowing is agony.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi Violetta, and welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have found a very good place for healing.

For starters, does A's husband know what she is up to? If not, I would make sure he is fully aware (gently) and furnish proof if needed. He deserves to know what his new wife is doing.

Second, I would speak to an attorney to find out your rights. The fact that you are a SAHM should not be a reason for you to R. Finding out your rights does not mean you need to file, but knowledge is power.

I hope you can take care of yourself and rely on your support people. Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Feb 2013
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi, Edith ... thank you for the welcome and advice.

To the best of my knowledge, the OW's husband has no idea that she and my husband are emotionally involved. However, I have already told my husband that -I- will not be the one to tell him. (The OW apparently flipped out when she found out I knew and was terrified I would tell him. I pointed out to my husband that that didn't really scream "ready to leave her new husband," but he brushed it off.)

I do know that he moved out of their home a few days ago for other reasons -- they'd been having issues, I guess -- though apparently he still does not know. (I know this because I asked my husband if he had been in contact with A. He said she had called him because she needed to talk, since her husband left. I thanked him for telling me, and suggested that she find a more appropriate person to talk to. He said he'd told her to call her therapist. I also asked him if he would volunteer any further info about being in contact with her, which he agreed to.)

I have also talked to an attorney -- several, actually, as one of my best friends is one, and another is married to one. I feel very confident that I will be just fine financially if he leaves. His parents have already told me, repeatedly, that they will support me in any way they can, and I think that they would unleash hell if he tried to screw me financially.

However, finances aren't my main reason for staying. I do truly love him. He is a fantastic dad, and he was a wonderful husband for many years. I don't know what is going on with him right now, but I truly believe he is NOT himself right now.

For example, in between the ILYB talk and D-Day, we decided to buy a new home. Stupid, I know, but we desperately needed more room and a better school district for our oldest, who has autism. Plus, I took it as a sign that he was really committed to making things work.

Well, D-Day went down before we closed on the house, and we ended up rescinding the offer, because I knew that no matter what happened, we didn't need the stress of a move. Plus, in our current home, I have the support of neighbors/friends next door, and his parents right down the street.

I asked him later, "WHY did you let us make an offer on that house? You had to know I couldn't have afforded it, even if I went back to work full time!" He said, "I know, but I figured I could, and I would get it for you and the kids." I said, "You SERIOUSLY thought you were going to make house payments for 30 years for me?!"

I could tell by his reaction that he hadn't actually had ANY idea what he'd been planning to do. And that is SO not my husband. He is the most logical, planningest guy you've ever met. You should see the little Excel spreadsheets he works out for our monthly budget. I cannot imagine him in a MILLION years ever thinking he would buy me a $325K house on a whim. And his parents are just as baffled and concerned by his behavior as I am.

[This message edited by Violetta at 1:06 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Violetta,

You should not be putting your life on hold while your WH decides what he wants in life.

1. Out the A to the OW's BH. Now. Two sets of eyes is better than one. ANd there is nothing like having the OW throw your WH under the bus to destroy the fantasy.

2. Tell your WH that either he goes NC now or you will be going to a lawyer.

Your WH needs to make his choice now. Either he wants your M or he doesn't. RIght now he is simply cake eating. He is continuing his fantasy with OW and keeping you as his back up plan. Take away the back up plan.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I've gotten a lot of conflicting advice from different people about the OW's husband. However, at this point, I do NOT feel comfortable telling him, especially after I have said I wouldn't.

And, to be honest, I would be bluffing if I told him right now I will call a lawyer if there's any more contact (esp as he's told me he will tell me if there is more), and I think he would know it. I'm not ready to take that step. I do genuinely believe he's trying to convince himself to make the right choice, but he's so deeply infatuated with A right now that he's terrified he'll never feel that "love" again if he lets her go.

I'm sure I sound very naive and none too smart right now. And I don't want anyone here to think I'm just brushing off your advice. I'm not sure it's right for my situation right now, but I am definitely mulling over all my options. (And it feels empowering to be able to even THINK of saying, "If you do Y or do not do X, then I will begin steps to end our marriage.")


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi Violetta,

So sorry you are going through this. I haven't replied to your thread yet because it sounded so much like me just a little over a year ago I almost died when I read it.

But I only found SI a month ago or so.

I wish I had the wise people here back then. I wish I had the Healing Library.

I don't think anyone will judge you for accepting their advice or not.

I think they will tell you what they think and let you choose what to do with it.

They are mighty emphatic about it all though because they KNOW. They feel your hurt. They know the stages. It all sounds so cliche and all and I often thought "but this is different"....

Hugs to you, whatever you decide, whatever you face, whatever you feel, this is a good place to be, sometimes just to poke around and read.

The 'wayward' thread has been a huge eye opener for me. Reading other 'jfo' and 'general' threads and seeing myself in them and thinking "NO!"...there isn't any way being here can't be helpful.

Use it how you need to. Take what you want. Just BE here. I think it will turn out more important than you will know down the road.

You're going to need it.

Giant hugs.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 4th (Thursday)


gently, you do not have to keep that promise you made to him not to tell the husband Your husband has broken your marriage vows. The other BS deserves to know what he is married to.

Right now, your husband is eating cake, because he feels like he has options. He will continue this behaviour forever if you allow it. My own WH ate cake for months after Dday, and it was torture. He only went NC with OW after I threw him out.

Shining a light on the affair is a very good way to bring everyone out of the fog.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I haven't absolutely ruled out telling the OW's BS. But it's not something I feel like I want, or am able, to do right now.

I agree that he deserves to know -- I just don't know if I want to be the one to tell him. I think it will just send the OW crying to my DH, and he already feels fairly defensive of her. Right now, even he has to admit that my behavior during this entire mess has been 100 percent irreproachable, and I'm afraid to do something that might make him "side" with her, especially when her husband's knowing may or not be of any benefit to ME.

I talked to my FIL for awhile today. He has talked to my husband a lot and is firmly in my corner. He fervently believes that my husband will eventually wake up and realize what a fool he's been -- he's just worried I will give up before then (which may be a possibility).

As for my husband, I don't want to make any major decisions before we meet with our counselor in a week and a half.

In the meantime, I'm trying to do The 180. I think I'm doing a pretty good job -- I don't initiate relationship talks, I don't contact him unless it's about something essential, I don't ask him to do things with me, I'm upbeat and pleasant when he comes to see the kids, etc. We're (both) taking the kids to go see the fireworks tonight, which I'm hoping will be fun. It was his idea for us all to go.

It's just so, so painful to see this man who always seemed to adore me act so cool and distant.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tawnee1969
Member
Member # 12358
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Gently Violetta.

So at the moment your husband gets to live with his parents, come and visit you and the kids whenever he wants and also not see you whenever he wants AND he gets to see the OW.

Why would he make any decision when he has the best of both worlds? Freedom to come and go as he likes, playing happy families when he like and ego stroking from OW.

I know he said they only kissed and he is not seeing her now. And who knows it may be true. But he is a liar. He has lied to you before, many times to get to this point with OW.

In regards to telling the other BS, wouldn't you want to know? Didn't you want to know before when you asked your WS and he lied?

Just think about these things sweetie. You need to show him what life will be like if he chooses OW. And why the hell does he get to choose? You are so wonderful, honest caring, shouldn't he think he is lucky to have YOU?!

You have offered him the wonderful gift of R. But he needs to decide now because you are worthy of so much more than waiting for a cheater to choose you.

Remember to eat, drink, breathe and play. Take care of yourself.


Is the f*cking you're getting, worth the f*cking you're getting?

Posts: 656 | Registered: Oct 2006
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Tawnee, you make some excellent points. And yes, some of that stuff bugs me a lot as well, but we're doing as best we can to make it equitable in the meantime.

I feel like by living with his parents, he's getting a pretty false idea of what being on his own would be like. But I feel like it makes him more accountable and me less suspicious, so it's probably the best place for him right now. Plus, it gives him lots of time to talk to FIL, who is a big advocate of him trying to R.

We are trying to make his visits to the kids as "arranged" as possible -- he doesn't get to just swing by whenever. I ask him to let me know which days he would like for the week and what time he will be by. I go visit a friend or go shopping or something in the meantime. (I don't want him taking the kids to his parents' house, because then it's just going to be the kids being spoiled and playing with Grandma and Grandpa, not HIM doing the work.) I've also informed him that starting next Monday, he'll be responsible for feeding them dinner on the nights he has them.

Supposedly, he is not seeing the OW. That's what he's told me, and what he's told his dad. I do tend to believe him. Maybe stupidly, but I have no evidence to the contrary.

I know that -I- get to choose to. But I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to choose telling him to leave. Maybe I will. I desperately wish our counselor was back (and I know my husband does as well). I know that you guys are giving me tons of things to think about in the meantime, and to discuss with him when he does get back.

[This message edited by Violetta at 5:30 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Supposedly, he is not seeing the OW. That's what he's told me, and what he's told his dad. I do tend to believe him. Maybe stupidly, but I have no evidence to the contrary.

If he has broken up with her, what is stopping him from being with you?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

According to him, he only told her about two weeks before D-Day how he felt, but he's had feelings for her for several months. So, if he's to be believed, this was not a long term emotional affair -- or was a rather one-sided one, at least. I do think that around two weeks ago before D-Day sounds rather accurate, because I noticed him pulling back somewhat around that time.

My impression is that he feels like working on our marriage is the right thing to do, but that he doesn't know if he can truly dedicate himself to it -- that if he came home, he would still have these feelings for her and any work we did on our relationship would be halfhearted (on his part) and just prolong the agony.

As ridiculously naive as this probably sounds, I think in a really twisted way, he is trying to do the right thing by me. He doesn't want to get my hopes up if he's not absolutely sure he can do it and mean it. And he isn't sure yet that he can.

I've pointed out to him, as has his marriage counselor, that the choice isn't really "me or OW." It's "being married to me versus being divorced from me." There's no guarantee that she's going to be around and interested in a few months' time, or that things will work out if she is. (In fact, I am about 99.9999 percent confident that they would NOT last -- she's very flaky, as evidenced by her nine-month marriage, and I think she would get very tired of playing Mommy very fast.)

And I think he KNOWS that intellectually. He just can't force himself to really take her out of the equation.

[This message edited by Violetta at 6:17 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

What do you want Violetta?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I want him to realize that he's thinking of throwing away a loving, flesh-and-blood wife for a fantasy. I want him to come to me and tell me he's sorry he's been such a moron and that he will put everything he has into healing our marriage.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I just went through something similar and I sympathize completely with what you're going through and why you are hesitating to totally play "hard ball" with him in terms of filing and whatnot.

I will tell you, though, that I gave my WP three weeks of room to figure it out the way it sounds like you are. I let his family members talk to him. I assumed he would make the "right" decision because he loved us and was always a good, ethical, rational man. He had initiated NC with the coworker he cheated on me with and was getting IC. He sent remorseful texts, talked about leaving his job, etc. Everyone said he'd be back. This isn't him. This isn't like him. Be patient.

And guess what... After three weeks he informed me that he's decided that he feels "free and liberated" without me in the house. That he wanted me out. That she was easier to talk to. That he has taken the PA/EA underground because I and given him so much space and, because of that, his therapist suggested he wasn't confused after all and had "voted with his feet" to leave me and he thought it must be true.

These are disordered people. They are not thinking straight. They dont know what they really want. We can not rely on them to make reasoned and rational decisions unless they make them for themselves... Not because a FIL or therapist tells them and not because they do so out fear. It won't stick.

It's good you are doing the 180 and getting MC. But he may need more direct boundaries and consequences from you in order for him to really face his reality and what he has in front of him. This probably includes telling the OW's husband because even if they temporarily binds them... She sounds like she won't be able to handle the reality and pressure of the consequences of her actions for long which may be another dose of reality for your husband in the end.

The best advice I got in my own process was to separate my emotional well being from his actions as much as possible. Protect yourself and your children. You can not dictate the process for him... Only for yourself.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

2x4:

So right now his living condition from my understanding: He lives (rent free, I am assuming) with his parents, and gets to visit you and the kids on a regular schedule. He is also allowed to continue to talk to a woman who he feels this amazing love with, while not fully committing to you. And you hope that (while this is his lifestyle) he will come to realize

that he's thinking of throwing away a loving, flesh-and-blood wife for a fantasy. I want him to come to me and tell me he's sorry he's been such a moron and that he will put everything he has into healing our marriage.

Honey, this guy has it made in the shade like an everglade. The way the set up is it is not in his favor to go back to you. He has the best of all worlds as it is right now. Because right now

1) No worries about divorce, and all the nastiness that comes with it like alimony or child support.

2) No worries about giving up girlfriend. he has already tested that boundary, and knows you are not ready to draw a line.

3) Relatively carefree lifestyle. Kids are not with him, wife is not with him... hanging out with the 'rents... who yeah, may get onto him... but he has his free time to do whatever he wants. Oh, and he gets to talk to girlfriend. Who... conveniently enough... suddenly has a lot of available time as well since her husband moved out.

I am guessing he will milk this for all it's worth... but in all honesty... can you blame him? He has a sweet setup.
I don't see how this is benefiting you at all. I hope in the next 13 days you gain clarity and do what is right for you and the kids.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:33 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1218 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

^^Exactly^^!

Don't let your fear that he may not choose you make you a supporting player in this drama he has created!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I want him to come to me and tell me he's sorry he's been such a moron and that he will put everything he has into healing our marriage.

But he hasn't. So the current situation isn't working is it?

Next question:

Do you want him at home or do you want him at his parents? I am not asking what you think is best for him. I am asking what do YOU want?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

I want him home. I think his parents' house is the next-best thing.

I realize this situation is unsustainable. However, it's been less than two weeks since D Day, and only 10 days since he's moved out. We are both still processing a lot of things.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:30 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 5th (Friday)

We had a good talk last night. I told him that I am offering him a gift, but that I won't proffer it forever. And that I will not be "playing house" and engaging in any family activities until/unless he returns home. (The fireworks were awful -- he completely ignored me, which I told him off for and he apologized for.) I said, basically, "Unless we'd do X if we were divorced, we're not going to do it now." He agreed that that was fair and reasonable.

I told him I'm getting sick of waiting on him to decide if he even cares enough to try, and that we're his family, not his backup plan. He said, very heatedly, that the kids are not and never will be a "backup plan" to him. I made it clear that I wasn't, either -- that I wasn't going to settle for crumbs, and that I want the whole cake or nothing.

We are both looking forward very much to hashing all this out with our MC. I also made an appointment for tomorrow with an IC that I saw a few months ago and liked (though I didn't continue seeing her, because the issue I was struggling with was resolved).


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 5th (Friday)

And yes, some of that stuff bugs me a lot as well, but we're doing as best we can to make it equitable in the meantime.

No, Violetta. "We're" not doing anything to make things equitable.

YOU'RE the one making all the concessions while your husband gets to run off scott-free, playing "single guy" and indulging in his so-called 'relationship' with his married OW, and playing part-time dad while YOU hold down the fort and sit home alone every night taking care of the kids, keeping the house in running order, and praying he'll come back.

What's HE spending his night? Letting his mother cook dinner for him and then laying on the couch all night texting his little girlfriend while not having to do ANYTHING responsible like he would have to at home?

Why is this OK with you?

Your FIRST order of business is to TELL THE OW'S HUSBAND!! He deserves to know the truth just as you deserved to know it. Not only that, but her husband will more than likely rain a shit-storm down on their little "romance" and burst their little affair bubble to smithereens. Who cares if she cries to your husband if you tell? Does that make the information any LESS important to the BH? You need to do the right thing by him - he's as innocent in this mess as YOU are.

Secondly, not telling the BH is keeping the secret for these two sneaks while they carry on their little friendship. You don't OWE them that. Why should YOU help them deceive her husband?

So tell the BH and you may find yourself with an ally in this mess. A little dose of reality usally DOES burst the affair bubble.

The bottom line is that as long as you're willing to sit at home and let him live his new single life over at his parent's house - and come home temporarily to the security of his wife and family every day - all you're doing is enabling him to have the best of both worlds. Why WOULD he suddenly realize what he's missing when he GETS IT EVERY DAY????

Secondly, your willingess to stay home and keep the home fires buring while happily allowing him his little visits every day simply tells himthat you're willing to settle for his measly crumbs.

There's no honor in that.

In order for him to realize what he's losing, he needs to LOSE it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Oh sweetie, I so feel your pain. I know you want him home. I was in your shoes once.

You may have to come to this realization on your own, but you CANNOT nice him back. The more loving and tolerant you are, the more he will string you along and emotionally abuse you.

He needs to feel the consequences of his shitty choices. Right now, he feels like you will always be there, so he can dither and fuck around all he likes, and you will be his soft place to fall.

Please, please, at least make him handle the kids on his own. It has to be killing you to play family only to have him leave at the end of the night, to go God knows where.

I don't really buy his story about not seeing the OW, especially if he feels this fantasy "love" for her. Go stealth on him and get the real story. Can you afford a private investigator?

I wish you the strength to put on those bitch boots. You are nobody's option--you are worthy of a loyal and devoted partner, not a manchild who can't decide if he likes his wife or OW more.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

You are putting way too much trust into someone who has shown you he is untrustworthy,and has shown you he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

You need to be tested for STD's. They spent time alone together. They are adults who fancy themselves in luuuurrrrvvve. They had sex. You need to get tested so you can protect yourself.

You must tell OW's husband. I know..your WH told you that YOU wouldn't be the one to tell him..are you shitting me??? How dare he tell you what you can and can not do. How dare he tell you that you can not tell his girlfriend's husband they are having an affair. And OW flipped out when she found out you knew?? So..it's ok for her to fuck around with a married man..but it is not ok for his wife to know.


Tell her husband. You said they were texting alot..get those phone records. That is evidence. Call her husband and tell him. The best way to end an affair is to shine a big spotlight on it. Expose it. ALL of it. Affairs thrive in the dark. Most of the time,when confronted,the OW,or OM, will throw their affair partner under the bus.

Honey..he has already sided with the OW.

Tell. Do it today.

This woman has waged war on your family. She has inserted herself into your marriage. You need to act fast. The longer the A goes on,the deeper they get. Exposing the affair may not have the outcome you're hoping for,true. But keeping their secret for them isn't working either.

He is lying that he isn't seeing her..he knows you know..as does she..and remember..she flipped out when she found out you knew...so he is lying to protect her.

You need to stop being so nice. You can not nice him back into the marriage.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7303 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

(((((Violetta)))))

I just wanted to give you some hugs. I know this isn't easy.

I'd be careful about going to MC together if he is still this unremorseful. Its likely that he will try to throw the whole mess at your feet, which is bull. This is his doing, his choice, his fucked-up behavior.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Hi, everybody. After a few days of reflection, I'm not sure this site is helpful for my emotional state right now (and my IC agrees), so I don't know if I'll be back. But because everyone was so kind as to share their thoughts and suggestions, I did want to give a brief update.

My husband is still staying at his parents' home. (And, for what it's worth, it's really NOT cushy -- his parents both work full time, and they're terrible housekeepers and worse cooks. When they DO cook. He's basically staying in their basement amidst a bunch of junk.)

When he comes over to see the kids, I leave and go to a friend's house or do some shopping, so we're not playing family. In fact, after the fireworks outing on July 4 (in which he ignored me completely), I told him that if he wants to do family activities, he can come home and be a family, but that I will not be play-acting in the meantime. My rule is, "If we wouldn't do it if we're divorced, we're not going to do it now." (For example, we'll both go to our daughter's second birthday party today. But not take them to the park together.)

We've declared a moratorium on any relationship talk until our MC gets back next week. We weren't breaking any new ground, and it was just tense and painful for both of us.

From numerous things he's said, I believe that he's deeply depressed and probably has been for some time. (He also has a strong family history of depression.) He has agreed to see a psychiatrist, and his dad will be pushing him to make sure he really goes. I don't want to make any huge decisions until we either rule that out or get it treated. (I've suffered from crippling depression before, which was a contributing factor in me cheating in previous relationships. Though those cases involved college boyfriends, not a spouse.)

I'm doing OK. This morning was rough, but once I pulled myself out of bed and began taking care of the kids and the house, things started to look a lot brighter. Our baby girl turns 2 today, so that's exciting. She's been such a little ray of sunshine for me lately.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Hi Violetta,

I'm concerned about your sense of self-worth. Why do you want to continue a relationship with a man you can say this about:

he's so deeply infatuated with A right now that he's terrified he'll never feel that "love" again if he lets her go.


You deserve so, SO much better. We all do.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
sg2008
Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

This site isn't good for your emotional state because you don't want to face the reality of your situation and the man your husband has become. This site isn't the problem here at all and I really wonder about your own self image and you seeing yourself as a person who deserves to be treated with respect and love by the person who vowed to treat you as such.

I see you making a lot of excuses for him and being willing to allow him to continue in his fantasy life. Many people are depressed and don't betray their spouses so that explanation doesn't hold a lot of water.

This is a fantastic site that has helped so many people but you have to want the help and with that goes not always being told what you want to hear. Anyway, I hope you will reconsider and will use this site to its full potential.If not then at least remember that you are not a rug to be walked on, that you can't love or nag him back to you, that he needs to put in the lion's share of the effort to fix this and that you don't have to put up with any crap which is all this man is giving you right now. Find your bitch boots.

[This message edited by sg2008 at 10:13 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I'm sure the site has been a wonderful resource for many men and women. However, what I'm hearing is that there's exactly one approved way to deal with all
of this, and that everything I feel like I should do (and have discussed with my friends and family, IC and MC) is wrong. Though some postets have said to take what works for me and leave the rest, it feels more like "do what we say or else you're in denial and don't have any self respect."

[This message edited by Violetta at 10:38 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Hi Violetta,

It is of course, your choice to walk away from this site for now (or forever).

The reason it seems like there is only one way to handle things, is because most affairs follow the exact same playbook, the same cliches, the same phases. The details differ, but the cheater's handbook contains the same script. We are only trying to spare you the pain of a lengthy period of cake eating and trickle truth.

No one here will judge you for not following the advice you are getting--its enough just to hear it and to absorb it and to know that you have options.

I spent months on the floor attached to WH's ankles while everyone here told me to hefty bag his shit and throw him out. I had to reach my own breaking point before I took the advice of the veterans here.

Please keep reading, even if you don't post your story. I feel strongly from your posts that you are doing a good job of masking your pain, even from yourself. Please don't let it eat you alive.

We are here for you always.

((((((((((violetta))))))))))


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Violetta

I am sorry you find yourself in this horrible position.

While you have been getting lots of similar advice, I think you need to know that there are lots of people here that have succesfully reconcilled after an affair. It is a long road that takes a lot of hard work, but it is very possible.

The key to this is that both parties have to be committed to reconcillation. I know where you are coming from, no one wants to lose their marriage and their family. It is hard and painful.

The reason you are getting smilar advice is that most of us have been there and we don't want you to make the same mistakes we did. We have all learned the hard way that you have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it.

You need to make a list of what you require to make your marriage work. Do you need a no contact letter for the other woman, Mc and/or IC? Transprancy? What do you need him to do to prove that he is committed to making your marriage work?

THere is no right way to handle this horrible situation, and you have to do what works for you. Most of us are just concerned because we are in the 'have been there and done that' boat and recognize some of the behavior and outcomes that come from it.

Advice is just that, just remember that everyone here has been where you currently are. It doesn't mean you have to do what we suggest, I only hope that it just gives you the information you need.
You can't nice him back, you can't hope he will see the light. You need to arm yourself with knowledge. That means seeing a lawyer (no you don't have to divorce him, just know where you stand). It is usually when they realize that you are playing for keeps that they start to get a little more serious about the marriage.

I hope it all works out for you Violetta, and know we are here only for support.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Violetta,

My DDay was in late 2007, and my husband lied and ate cake for three months until I finally learned to pay attention to his actions, not his words. We are now happily reconciled.

I understand that you believe your husband, and of course you are used to relying on him. I think you are showing remarkable strength so early on.

During this time, please compare what your husband is saying, and what he is doing. I can guarantee you that at this point he is lying to you about several things.

He said he had felt this way for a very long time – even before we had kids – which flabbergasted me (and which, in retrospect, I think is dubious however true it seems to him right now). I asked if he had feelings for someone else – in particular, A, a female co-worker of his, who I’d also considered a friend of mine (I had long suspected he’d had a crush on her). He’d denied it in the past, and he vigorously denied it after the ILYB talk as well.

This is a lie. He was already having the affair with her at this time.

Two weeks after he’d told me that he wasn’t in love with me, he told HER how he felt, and she said she felt the same way, but they both agreed they would try to work on their own marriages.

This is a lie. He was already involved with her. This is them getting their stories straight.

He swears that it was emotional only, though they did kiss once (when he told her he loved her).

Lie.

He told me that he had wanted to work on things and thought that telling me would just hurt me and make it harder to fix our marriage.
Lie. He was covering up in a panic.

He says he is not in contact with her right now.
Such a lie.

My husband acted this same way--counseling, caring, etc etc. We had good talks too. But he was still buttering up her too.

It helped me in retrospect to think of him as a drug addict. Not the upstanding man I married, but someone who would sacrifice everything and hurt me repeatedly for another "fix" of the high of the affair.

Take care of yourself and kids first. It sounds like you are working on that. Trust yourself first.

I'm so sorry, this is a horrible gutpunch.

((Violetta))


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I wanted to let you guys know that I am back, and I have put on my bitch boots.

Last night, he told me he wanted a divorce. Well, he didn't say that -- he said he wanted to talk to our therapist, then talk with me this weekend. I guessed where this was going and asked him, because I didn't really want to be in suspense for two days. So, I asked, and he said yes.

It has become increasingly clear that this "long-term unhappiness" bullshit he was feeding me was just that -- bullshit -- and that this is far more about her than I suspected it was.

I told him I would be calling the OW's husband. He told me that I'd said I wouldn't -- I said, "Oh, I'm SORRY -- did I break a PROMISE to you?!"

Her husband had already moved out, as I mentioned, but he had suspected there was someone else (though not who), which she'd denied. He was very glad I called and told him.

I also told my husband I would be contacting a lawyer (I have an appointment already). He said he'd hoped to use mediation. I said I'd look into it.

I told him I want the house, my car (the one that's paid off), the dog, and at LEAST 50 percent custody of the kids. I will probably go for more.

I then sat him down and told him my thoughts on exactly what his odds were with this woman (I'm VERY sure he's rushing things so quickly because he knows she won't stick around long if he doesn't), and how not ONE single person in our lives thinks he is making the right decision. I think he was truly rattled to find out how furious his father was with him. (I didn't realize FIL had been a lot more diplomatic with WH than I'd thought.)

At one point, he was sitting there with his head in his hands. I asked how he felt. He said, "Afraid." I told him I'd been afraid before, but I wasn't now -- and that I knew it was because I had done my best at every turn. I suggested that if he was feeling afraid, perhaps he should re-examine his plans.

He apparently did go home and have a long conversation with him. His dad told him exactly how he felt -- which is incredibly angry and disappointed -- and said that WH was quite shaken by that. He doesn't feel that it will probably make a difference, though.

I would still like to R, if WH ever comes to his senses, but I am in no way, shape or form expecting that to happen. The 180 is in full effect. I have an appointment with an attorney. I have a party planned for our 10th anniversary (an "un-anniversary party" with girlfriends). I have ordered pretty new bedding for MY bedroom, and have begun doing the yardwork myself.

I've also told him that he needs to take the kids elsewhere on his nights. If he wants to be a single parent, he can have the full single-parent experience, not reap the benefits of me caring for the house and doing the laundry and keeping up the yard.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Bravo! Violetta, that was amazing. I'm so sorry he's still fogged into complete idiocy, but you taking charge and protecting yourself and your kids was so well done. Good job on what you said to WH, what you said to OW's BH, at reminding your WH that other people's feelings are involved (his Dad), for getting a lawyer meeting in the works and everything.

Total applause!

Keep those boots on. Sometimes a little dose of reality hits the WH/WW and they suddenly want to get to the "Negotiation" portion of the evening. Sometimes they talk about "needing closure" from the AP, sometimes it's that they just "need time" to figure out what they really want, etc. DON'T NEGOTIATE.

You were clear. You were fair. YOU WERE RIGHT. He can measure up or not, but that's up to him.

I hope your WH take a big clear look around himself and sees the devastation he's throwing around and gets back to reality.

[This message edited by Reality at 2:42 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I know it's hard and I know you resisted at first, but the fact is, what everyone was telling you is generally the best way to deal with an active cheater. They all thing they're special but the truth is they pretty much do and say the same things, with some variations.

What you have here is a massive amount of people with (some of us) decades worth of experience of seeing the same stories unfold over and over.

I'm glad you have your bitch boots are on. It's your best chance to save your M, and even if it doesn't, at least you are no longer in the painful limbo of sharing your WH and wondering what the future is like.

Think of him as a crippled man. You know how when we're in pain, we might snap at people more? That's him. He's being a jerk because of whatever is wrong with him. Maybe he is depressed- I did some research and some shrinks do believe As are a symptom of depression in some men. That doesn't give him a get out of jail free card. I've gone through depression and stop myself from suicide, knowing the harm it would cause my kids. Even when I cut, a part of me knows I shouldn't...you know right from wrong and he knows cheating is wrong. It's one thing to hurt yourself, IMO. Another to hurt your BW and kids as he has.

Whatever it is that's crippling him, he's using you and the OW to keep himself upright. By pulling yourself put of the equation, his balance is off and suddenly Little Miss OW isn't all rosy and perfect. She's not meeting his needs...because his needs are more than what one person can handle. He either has to begin facing his issues...and all that he has caused...or he'll turn to some other way of coping. Either way, you have removed yourself from harms way as much as possible.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11115 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Violetta, I am sorry that you had to realize what your WH truly is. I have been following your story but did not post because I did not have anything to contribute that had not been already said. Take comfort in the fact that you are finding your way to a better place for yourself and your children. Your WH may be able to do the hard work to address his issues and to move towards R with you. But for now, you are doing the best thing possible by taking control back from your WH by showing him the reality and consequences of his acts.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Well, WH was over talking about the kids. He had told me yesterday he wants a divorce -- which I had expected -- but we agreed we weren't ready to tell the kids yet. And I brought up Retrouvaille, and he asked me to send him some info and said he'd think about it.

And theeeeeeeeeeeenn ... OW texted him and he said, "Really? You called her husband" And gave me this disgusted look. I said, "I told you I would. And you might be interested to know that when he asked her if she knew why I might be calling, she had 'no idea.'"

He started to walk out to his car and I said, "By the way, he was glad to know. And I only wish someone had been as honest with me." He drove away.

I should have dropped it there, but I texted him and said: "Let me be clear: I do not owe her anything. I am not going to hid her dirty little secrets for her."

And then I REALLY should have dropped it, but I followed it up saying, "Let me also be clear that I didn't do this out of vindictiveness, and if I had, I would've done it a month ago. I said it was because it was the right thing to do, and because keeping WH and OW's secrets didn't outweigh her husband's right to know.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 19th (Friday)

You are doing great, Lady!!

I am sure it doesn't necessarily feel great, but you truly are one strong woman.

Kudos, and hugs.

[This message edited by JustWow at 9:25 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3604 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I've heard back from her husband. She's denying EVERYTHING. She had him half-convinced I'd made it up.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Violetta, thank you so much for the update, and I am so sorry for you and your children that it has come to this. Divorce does not have to be the option... there are many stories of people going through the motion of divorce only to later take it off the table and reconcile. Some people even try after the divorce.

But since right now this is the road you all are most likely taking I highly encourage you to check out the Divorce subsection of this forum. Those women and men are walking, talking, legal textbooks when it comes to going through the process of divorce. Just about every situation you throw out they will know the answer (followed by a cautionary consult your attorney, of course )

I understand at one point you and your IC felt that this site was not good for you... but I hope you stay and learn. And keep those boots on!!

And funny: For such an amazing love and connection that your spouse and this OW have, she can't own up and admit to her betrayed husband she is messing around with someone else? Sounds like your husband found a real winner!

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:13 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1218 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Cannon
Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 20th (Saturday)

I hardly post in JFO anymore, but I read this and wanted to just chime in and say I'm very, very proud of you, and I'm sure I speak for almost everyone here.

Did you ever find out if it was a full blown PA?


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

He still maintains it was an EA only. Her husband also thinks it was unlikely it was a PA. Obviously, I'm still taking all of this with a large dollop of skepticism, though.

Today has been a harder day. He is still pissy about me telling her husband. I told him he had a lot of nerve expecting me to keep their secrets, and that if the worst thing anyone could say I'd done was to call him and tell him the truth, then I was VERY proud of myself.

Most days lately, I feel like I could take him or leave him. But today, the thought of him tearing apart our family for this awful, awful woman is breaking my heart.

He is still considering going to Retrouvaille, which I think is a positive step. I really do NOT want to get a divorce -- but if that's what he's set on, I am gearing up.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

But in the end does it matter whether it was emotional or physical? What matters is that he said he felt an amazing enough love for this woman, enough to leave his wife and kids. Does the betrayed husband realize how much devastation his wife's relationship with your husband has caused?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1218 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

For such an amazing love and connection that your spouse and this OW have, she can't own up and admit to her betrayed husband she is messing around with someone else? Sounds like your husband found a real winner!


^^^This^^^

Point this out to your WH. Ask him why she isn't dying to be with him. Ask him why if she wants him and not her BH that she even cares if her BH knows.

He'll hem and haw and that's when you point out that he (your WH) just isn't that special to her. He is probably just one of many men she sleeps with.

Pop his bubble Violetta.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

(((violetta)))

I just wanted to chime in and say how awesome you are for opening your eyes and ears and really gathering the information you needed at what might be the most difficult time in your life.
Regardless of what happens, you can be proud of yourself and know you did the best thing for you.
I haven't been here long, and of course have my own twists and turns, but my story starts out very much like yours.
I didn't have SI at the beginning and I gave my WS a LOT of room to "figure things out" by moving out...he took that time to ramp things up with her( he denied there was anyone else) and basically used that lifeline to hang himself. The past few months I should have been NC, done 180 and had my bitch boots on, but I didn't have the advantage of SI to help me through that.
My WS has finally come out of the fog and now I am so exhausted from the fight that I don't know if I have what it would take to R and we've been together for 18 years and have had a mostly very very good marriage.
Anyway- I just wanted to say I am so glad you found SI in the early stages. Sometimes it is hard to hear the advice, but these folks know the drill. As you read more on the forums you will see how creepily standard the pattern is for affairs. It's truly heartbreaking.
But it can also give hope for healing-no matter which direction that healing takes.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Just wanted to chime in and say, I'm glad for what you did, Violetta. Your messages are much like mine were and I could almost hear my own voice in there, at the beginning of my journey.

I think one of the hardest moments in my entire life was when I realized I had to push divorce through, for I desparately wanted our marriage, but was verbally hit by a baseball bat from friends until I realized that I was the only one who still wanted it.

It is not an easy journey and it is filled with many blank pages, but sometimes, the very briefest glimpses of sun will poke through the clouds in your day...and night...again. At first this will be very brief and then perhaps, the sunny periods will get longer and you will find pride in rising up.

People will see you in a different light, too, includign your WH and OW and eventually, with hope, they will not matter as much as right now.

Whatever the end of your journey holds, you can rest assured of many things. One of those is that you Do have a voice and you DO deserve respect.

My Exh thought that he could fix his life's problems by replacing the people in them, so he sought an OW and off he went, but you know what? His problems are going to follow him for a long to come, and be accompanied by the legal system now! Someday, I am told and believe, I and DD will be able to restore our lives and start new chapters that we create. And by his A and the path he chose to tread, that will be far less easy or simple for him, all the while he thinks that the prople wrecking his life are gone.

I will hope the same for you and hope you will also get to a point in healing where you simply don't want to know anymore, but it takes a while.

Blessings to you, Violetta, and congrats for taking the steps that you are.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Oh, he knows she's denied everything. Of course, he's still defending her, and tells me I've "lobbed a grenade in the middle of two families" (hers and her husband's -- their parents are longtime best friends). I told him that I and the OW's husband are the betrayed ones, and they have a hell of a lot of nerve expecting us to try to make THEIR lives easier. (I wish I would have thought to point out that THEY lobbed the grenade ... I'm just the person who said, "Hey, look, a grenade!")

I also pointed out that if he and I divorce, and she and her husband divorce, then they start dating, NO ONE is going to be too stupid to figure things out.

No other updates, really. He did text me the other day and ask how I was doing, which was unusual, and when I said, "Good -- you?" he said he missed the kids a lot. We've been cordial. No more discussion about the OW, our relationship, divorce or anything else. I'm working the 180 HARD. Communication is very limited, except for stuff about the kids.

I've seen an attorney and have a good idea of what I can expect if we divorce, and what arrangements might be like if he files. (I still don't intend to right now, though I'm not ruling out the possibility.)


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I wish I would have thought to point out that THEY lobbed the grenade ... I'm just the person who said, "Hey, look, a grenade!"

exactly!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Just one thing.... Retrouvaille will do NO good if he's still actively involved in an affair. I think they even mention that on the first day of the program. H and I attended Retrou 8 months after DDay. It's NOT a couples counseling program, so if you're looking for it to help you guys heal from the infidelity, then don't waste your time. What it is is a program to help you communicate with each other in a safe, effective manner that you can each understand. It doesn't teach you how to really overcome obstacles, just teaches you how to talk to each other about them.

I just would hate for you to waste the time and money and hold out hope that this will be a magic pill for your marriage.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I have heard that, and I've been clear about how it works to him. I don't know that he's going to agree to go anyway.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 50