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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Side effect of detachment (vent)
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Dude...seriously...what did you expect? I guess that's a dumb question. History would say that I would give in and let you treat me like shit. My "love" for you would make me sweep everything under the rug to make you feel better. But guess what? That's exactly what it is...history. Last time I checked we were done. You want to abuse me and I don't want that. So why in the hell would I care about how what I do makes you feel?!? And that pisses you off doesn't it? It pisses you off that I'm living life. It pisses you off that I'm not doing what you want. Here is some advice...detach!!!


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

How about a dose of blame shifting to end the night? Last time I checked, you were the one unwilling to be remorseful, wasn't going to find a new job, wouldn't admit to emotionally abusing me, and couldn't follow through what I needed to heal to reconcile. I have not talked more than 2 sentences a day to your abusive ass and I've been happy because I'm so detached. And somehow I'm making this difficult so we can't end this peacefully?!? When???? Because I'm moving on and showing you that by not engaging with you?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

This is a common reaction to the 180. They sense a loss of control (we gave them that control by tolerating that bullshit for so long) and so throw epic mantrums.

Keep doing what you're doing - don't engage. In time his reaction won't matter to you all.

This is about detaching yourself from him as much as it is detaching from him, IYKWIM? The former is what the 180 does in the beginning, the latter is the end result - indifference.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

This is a common reaction to the 180.

Agreed. Keep doing your thing girl.. It's like he's trying to hate you into loving him again

FTG and his blame shifting.. Stupid idiot.. Don't engage with that crap. It should be obvious why you're detaching, so you don't have to explain it again. Just keep detaching..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Today he was just so all over the place with his emotions. It's scary that me doing the right thing is going to make him snap. He has never hit me but I honestly am scared of him at the moment. And I'm scared for my kids. How far will he go into intimadating me to get what he wants?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Believe me, I know that scared feeling. It is very possible that he snaps. I would recommend getting a VAR or discreetly taking a movie if it feels like things are escalating. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that guys like this will lie to the cops..

Try your very best not to engage with him and stay calm. Emotional abusers will get right in your face and bait you, so I would suggest trying to deescalate the situation and getting away from him if things start feeling too tense.

Honestly, in-house is hell with these people, and I think it's time to file the divorce and get an emergency temporary hearing for exclusive use of the home so he has to stay away from you.

Do NOT let him make you feel like you are crazy for protecting yourself and your kids. This is so far from how a guy with any chance at showing remorse and fixing the marriage would be making you feel. I don't know how you've been living with him this long, but I would recommend trying to actually separate living spaces with him as soon as possible..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 5th (Friday)

You know what he did today...I guess to hurt me. A year ago he re-proposed to show me he was "serious." He was seriously still lying to me. That's about it. That was July...the TT didn't end until September when I threw him out of the house. I haven't been wearing it. It was in a box that I kept the jewelry I wear everyday in. When I went to take off my jewelry tonight to go the the gym, the box was gone. I went downstairs to ask him about it. I thought he might have taken it but I wanted to make sure it wasn't a kid or a cat. Nope, he took it. I'm not sure what point he was trying to make.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I'm posting from the phone, so forgive the shortness.

If you truly feel unsafe, it may be in your best interest to try to get him out of the house. Things can quickly out of hand in that sitch.

My xh got real nutty as I started 180ing him. Things got ugly one night, and he attacked me. This from a man who had NEVER once raised a hand to me.

Please protect yourself & your kiddos.

Eta: if yr H does hurt you, do not hesitate to have him locked up. That makes it easier for you to get him out & get a POA.

[This message edited by Vulcanized at 1:50 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 5th (Friday)

So he is going to sell the ring. If I never asked, he would have never told me. I had him sell our original engagement ring and wedding ring. I don't regret that. They meant nothing to him and I could never wear them again. It just hurts to have nothing now. Those worthless feelings are creeping in. Last night I cried myself to sleep knowing it was stupid and knowing I don't need this, but wishing to be saved by someone.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 5th (Friday)

((TCD)) So he is lashing out, hurting you back. Okay. Shake it off.

This is all about self-care now. I think you should take a trip to the jeweler - don't you? Something symbolic of a new beginning.

((TCD)) Back on the horse!

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:00 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 5th (Friday)

He is trying to make you feel worthless. Don't let him!! Fuck that guy and his mind games!!

Be so proud of yourself girl. You sound like a fabulous mom, you are looking for a job, you are trying to climb out of this hell, so don't let him pull you back down.

I really recommend trying to separate as soon as possible. Reach out to some friends and family. Surround yourself with loving and supporting people. You are NOT worthless!! This guy is toxic poison, and you need to get away from it.

Huge hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Unfortunately the only family I have here is my brother and his wife and kids. While my parents will support me in anything that makes me happy, my mom wants me to rug sweep. Besides, they are in California and I'm in New Jersey. The only thing they could really offer is financial help.

He is such a big baby. And is just proving more about who he is. For someone so smart, he sure as hell is a dumb.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 5th (Friday)

That is YOUR ring, even if you never or rarely wore it. How can he sell it? Are you getting half the $ for it?

If not, I would report it stolen.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I was thinking about it and I do believe legally it is mine. I asked what he was going to do an he said sell it to pay off some debts to help in the divorce. I thought of a few things. Do I ask for half so that I can have the money...do I tell him to pay off debts but I want proof because that will also help me...do I say no, then decide what to do?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I threw my wedding ring down a big hill on DD.

The sad clown wore his ring for a week or two after DD. I asked him to take it off. He refused "we are still married, you know".

Thanks for the reminder, fuckface.

He finally took it off and left it in full display at my eye level in a spot in the kitchen where we dumped stuff. Such a dick move. I was tempted to flush it down the toilet but worried it would sit at the bottom of the bowl mocking me. Unflushable.

I would talk to your L about the rings - not him.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Do you think I should at least tell him to hold onto it (or give it back) until we find out if it is legally mine?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I wouldn't let him sell it until you know for sure.

It sounds like that was a "gift" from him to you, and that makes it yours, not marital property, if that makes sense.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 5th (Friday)

That's what I thought. We were already married so it's not like we entered a contract when he gave it to me.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 5th (Friday)

He knows he is being sneaky and shady----you would have never known if you hadn't asked him where it was/ what was he doing with it.

So he was going to sell that, and KEEP THE MONEY WITHOUT TELLING YOU.

Hell to the NO.

FTG.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 5th (Friday)

He took the ring to get attention. Stop giving the attention to him.

If you're divorcing him, there is nothing to argue about and there is no reason to 180 in confrontational way or to act pissy, since you aren't trying to change him since you're divorcing him. We only do 180 to get ourselves in a better place and to stop being doormats.

I take it that it's a deal-breaker for him to not change job so you're divorcing? And he's out of the affair?

You're


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 5th (Friday)

There is a lot that are deal breakers. Continued emotional abuse, the job, not being remorseful...to name a few.

It's not that this is making me want him. And I've really been feeling very good about myself. I have not been getting into anything with him. I barely speak to him. It's really the situation that makes me feel sad. Not him. I see him for what he is and I totally see through his BS.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Do you have a receipt for the ring. You can add it to your D documents - and ask for its value (original price - not what he gets for it, mind you.

But getting into any kind of conversation about it, or the money he gets for it, is feeding his need for attention and messing with your goal of detachment - so not worth it!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I just told him not to sell it. We will give it to someone to hold on to until the proper time comes.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I just told him not to sell it. We will give it to someone to hold on to until the proper time comes.
now promptly back to 180ing and detaching from him. He saw that taking the ring got a reaction from you and you talked to him. Don't be surprised if he pulls something like that again. If you have any valuables, heirlooms, or things you really love around the house that you WANT to keep you should box them up when he isn't around and give them to a friend or family member for safe keeping. He has alreayd shown that he will "Steal" from you. He will do it or something similar again if he thinks it will get your attention, get you to break the 180, or give him some feeling of control because as with the ring you had to ask him where it was and ask him not to sell it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I'm starting to think I should just not talk to him at all. I'm not going to make spiteful decisions about the house, finances, or kids. I should just do what I want to do and not interact at all.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I'm starting to think I should just not talk to him at all. I'm not going to make spiteful decisions about the house, finances, or kids. I should just do what I want to do and not interact at all.

You do need to talk to him about kids and finances, but that can be very limited. Just the logistics.. Keep imagining a judge over your shoulder.. Sometimes doing this makes me paranoid, but it helps me get my head on straight when I'm letting my emotions take over and thinking with my heart instead of my head..

It's really the situation that makes me feel sad.

Yep, it's your hopes and dreams dying.. It sucks.. It can be confusing sometimes thinking you want him, but it's the fantasy you want. I know you know that.. Just gotta keep reminding yourself..

How did it go with the movie thing last night? How are you feeling today?


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Oh, and he's going to make you feel like your decisions about the house, kids and finances are all spiteful. You are really in a no-win situation with him.. If you aren't doing anything and everything to make his life easier, he will make you feel like you are doing something wrong

I like to think of it like being a train. Full steam ahead of what I want to do. He's going to throw some bumps in the road, but I gotta keep moving forward.. I just recommend talking to an attorney so that you know legally what you should be doing so that your train is heading in the right direction. Once you hear from your attorney what you can and can't be doing, it will be easier to ignore what he thinks of what you're doing..

More hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 27