|Just Found Out|
Topic: The Threat
Member # 38900
| Posted: 5:36 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
If I forced him into the polygraph test, he looked at me seriously and said "I will hold that against you". It brought chills through by entire body. He can be very resentful, manipulative, cold, and silently ruin me little by little. I could not let myself go there.
This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all. So I cancelled our Friday morning appointment. I did not tell him that though.
During the past few days, I felt hopeless, confused and lifeless. I still feel that way. Last night, came home and he innocently says to me "are we going for the test tomorrow morning?" I then told him that I cancelled mainly cause of the threat. Needless to tell you guys, I believe he knew we weren't going, it was a manipulative trick of his. It made him look innocent.
Now you readers know where I am. Mentally and Physically dragging myself around the house.
The treat to me was (not as bad as the confessions) but very painful. It brought me back to the bottom. I probably will never be at peace with this doubt. Is he telling me the truth, or is he lying. He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me.
Now he is in a better place, and I have to live with this. Do I stay, or do I go. Time will tell.
HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
1 grand child
Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Member # 39532
| Posted: 5:47 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Oh lbts, get out of there. This is not a man you can rebuild trust with, and not a man who is worthy of you. His conduct shows him to be unremorseful and unwilling to put his needs aside for the sake of you and your need to heal.
DD, only child
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Member # 24924
| Posted: 6:31 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
"I will hold that against you" is something that would put a chill along my spine, too. In other words, he is telling you that he will do as he pleases, and you will just have to live with it.
But you don't have to live with it. You must remember that you do have options.
I'm glad you realize that he is manipulative. Many who are in your shoes are so programmed to feel self-doubt that they don't even realize how unsafe and unhealthy the relationship is, and how they are being manipulated. You are being dragged down by the one who is supposed to build you up. You are suffering from emotional abuse. Be careful, because you can reach the place where you don't even realize what he is doing to you.
He was telling you there would be consequences for him taking a poly - but look at the consequence you are going through now because you are with a totally selfish man.
He can be very resentful, manipulative, cold, and silently ruin me little by little. I could not let myself go there.
You are already there because he has manipulated you into caving. Now you are feeling "hopeless, confused and lifeless." (Your words.) However, I do know the reason for caving; to not cave is to feel the same, only more so because of his means of holding it against you. In other words, you are in a no-win situation.
So, here's my take on it. Cheating aside, do you want to be with someone who would be cold and manipulative for any reason?
You did not cause him to be this way. This is who he is.
You cannot change him.
Do you want to live your life this way?
You say time will tell. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all documents like tax papers, marriage license, etc. etc. Put all your share of marital money in a safe deposit box in your name only. Decide where you will work and live if you separate. To be fully prepared for D is so self-powering that it gives YOU that needed lift to know that you can cope with life, come what may. You will realize that you don't need him. And then you might even realize that you don't want him. At any rate, be prepared. It puts you in a much better place emotionally and even physically.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Member # 8531
| Posted: 6:41 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me. Whatever decision I make now is on you.
I would tell him this and then walk away and let him think about it.
D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.
Posts: 8090 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38337
| Posted: 8:02 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Oh LBTS, This post made me so sad for you. I can hear in your words that you are spent, exhausted and so very hurt.
Please take some time and work on healing yourself. I think it is obvious that you need to build some strength and get away from this abusive man. What a terribly cruel manipulation.
Take good care, and sending you big hugs.
Lies are manipulations. Always.
Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 36519
| Posted: 8:10 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
What a horrible, awful man. Read your post and try to imagine someone else had written it. There is no love there -- there is only pain. This is one nasty guy. Why on earth would you stay? Is there a chance things will get better? No way! I say go, NOW.
BS (me): 49
Married: 25 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 31421
| Posted: 8:41 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
There is more, so much more, that he doesn't want coming out. He must be used to threatening you like this. My xh threatened to divorce me all the time to control me with fear of being abandoned. Look in your past and see the manipulation tactics that he has used over the years. Look at how he acted at the times he has confessed to, you will see a pattern.
This ires the time you will see who he really is. For better or worse for him is better for him, worse for you. With every secret exposed, every manipulation tactic he uses to keep you away from who he really is, you will get stronger or you will become a wreck. Use this new found insight to you advantage. He may seem tough when he manipulates you, but he is a scared child who doesn't want you to know what he has been doing. Or he may turn into a scared animal who attacks you. If this is who he has been over the life of your marriage, is this who you can live with for the rest of your life?
Posts: 2118 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 6908
| Posted: 8:46 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all.
His "threat" only works as long as you allow it to work. By the above quote you had no plan in place yet. The poly was a way somehow for you to get him to tell you something but yet he knew you would not go thru with it.
Fear is what holds many BS's back. Get yourself into some kind of IC if you can. I think it could really help you. And as I said before, start with baby steps, start with things you can control. Right now you are in shock, the anger will come. Your strength will come when you admit you really have to take the bull by the horns and start looking into your own life.
Posts: 5607 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Member # 39551
| Posted: 9:06 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
It sounds like maybe you are starting to understand that this is just f'ed up and not good for you. I hope you take the time to think about what is good for YOU and what YOU want.
Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33806
| Posted: 9:10 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Do a very strict 180..Do not sleep with this man, do not cook for him or do his laundry..
He turned his back on you
Turn your back on him..
Some people are unable to leave right away and their WS's refuse to leave.. Getting ducks in a row and leaving does take time..
With that being said there is an immediate option available..
Walk away from him or divorce him in your mind..
He will immediately realize that you didn't cave.... Damage is done...No going back..He is screwed..The life as he knows it is gone..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:24 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 34602
| Posted: 9:31 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Think of dealing with a child. "Don't throw the ball in the house or you'll get in trouble." They throw the ball. They get yelled at but nothing else. They continue to throw the ball because a little yelling isn't that bad. Why wasn't the ball taken away? Because they wil scream and cry and call you a bad mommy. Are you being a bad mommy? No. You are setting boundaries and showing them their actions have consequences and to be able to get the ball back they had to prove themselves trust worthy. He just threatened you like a child who says, "if you take my ball away then you're not my mommy anymore." Nothing is going to change until you change. It's scary. But worth it for your soul.
Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
I'm getting out of here.
Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 38408
| Posted: 9:33 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
I'm so sad for you. Not that you cancelled the poly, but that you are being bullied and terrorized.
I hope you find that you are worth so much more than what you are permitting in your life and that you find your strength, then kick him out.
Marriage is a partnership, not a servitude sentence.
His relief comes at your expense, and it should not be thus.
He will never become a better man when you being subservient and passive about your marriage and your value.
What can we do to help you find your worth?
Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 39134
| Posted: 9:53 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
He is pushing the buttons in you that he has learned will work, and it seems like he enjoys pushing those buttons. I am having WS do a poly this afternoon and I am beside myself because of it. But I need a starting place, someplace to stand on, something that I can feel more sure about. I think that is what you are searching for...a block of ice to cling to after your Titanic has sunk. I think he is saying these things to you to manipulate you to not get the poly as he wants to avoid the repurcussions of truth coming out....all for him. Where is his concern for you? And the cost is not his concern, not really. $850 is not worth you getting some measure of peace? I know all about the coldness, resentment, silent treatment that you speak of too and that sounds like that happens for you probably will happen again sometime regardless of this poly but at least when it does happen you will have this measure of peace.
Please stand up for yourself. Don't let him control so much of your happiness, look at you, being mind-f***d by him again. Is he in IC at all, are you? What does he do for you? You have beautiful children and grandchildren, let them have the real you, not the one who is being destroyed by your WH. Please value yourself and let him see that you are valuable.
I see your hurt, I know it.
Sending you strength.
Hugs to you.
DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)
Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 33806
| Posted: 10:29 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
I agree with what others have said.. Your WH is either showing you that he is an ass that doesn't care about you or he is afraid that his comfy married life will fall apart once you learn the truth..
Take away the perks and acts of love that he receives from you now!
The fact that he didn't want to cooperate with the poly without giving you manipulative BS makes it obvious that he isn't remorseful..
If your experience is like mine, it doesn't matter how much new truth comes out in the open unless there was a crime involved, ie sexual assault....
The mere fact that my WH is showing me a lack of remorse or respect is ENOUGH to make me lose any feeling of love or good will I had for him..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:05 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38121
| Posted: 10:34 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Well, I guess you'll have to find a way to accept that he's a bully AND a cheating liar, since he knows how to manipulate you.
I truly hope one day you're able to realize that your life is worth more than this.
Good luck to you.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
Posts: 1551 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 11176
| Posted: 10:57 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
This person is killing you. Leave before you are totally lost.
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.
Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38803
| Posted: 11:15 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
I know you are hurting, we all wish we could help ease your pain. We've all, unfortunately, experienced the hurt first hand and it is indescribable.
Give yourself the opportunity for a big, long cry. Lock yourself in the bedroom and do it. Then, try to step back and try to get to anger. Repeat this to yourself over and over." My husband broke his marital vows, is still lying to and bullying me, and has risked my health." Keep repeating this. It's the truth.
Do you have a friend you can reach out to? If so, call her. Ask her to call a locksmith for you and to look into D attorneys for you. Move some money into your account. Change the locks and file. You can't nice them back and you REALLY can't nice this guy back. He too far gone. But if you file, he just might wake up.
[This message edited by cliffside at 11:18 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...
Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 23890
| Posted: 11:28 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Just came across this online and think it applies here:
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 35812
| Posted: 11:37 AM, July 5th (Friday)|
Sweetheart, you''ve lived for 36 years like this with this man. 36 years. Next year will be 37. Next year will be 38. Keep adding every year will add one more year of you being terrorized, cheated upon, treated with contempt, and shat upon by someone who is supposed to treasure you.
How much longer are you willing to live this way? You''re not getting any younger. Is this the way that you want to live until you die? Is his the last face that you want to see before you close your eyes for good? Please think about that. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4561 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 31722
| Posted: 12:12 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
I got chills reading this, LBTS.
I am so sorry.
The bad news is he is just a fucking ass!!!! And a bully to boot!
The good news is that YOU can make a change for YOU!!! You have taken off the rose-colored glasses. The hard part is actually putting them down and smashing them. Not an easy thing to do, I know.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to Skan. Do you really want to look out to the future, see yourself dieing a slow death, knowing what you now know? TO THE HELL NO!! Sweetie, you need to look to the future and see sunlight!! And you can. It can start with just ONE baby step. What step can we help you with? What would be the first step you would tell a friend?
180 his ass, shock and awe him! Let's see how smug he will be then, when LBTS stands up for herself for the first time? Have you looked in your closet for your bitch boots yet?? I believe there is a closet full of them for all SI'ers!! They fit every time! I think we also have bitch slippers, if the boots are too much to start with
Wish I could hug you IRL, but I can only send them. Here, take them (((( )))))
Posts: 1262 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Member # 30989
| Posted: 12:32 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
What are you deriving from this arrangement?
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
Posts: 8317 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 32948
| Posted: 6:53 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
You are struggling right now to find something to hold on to so I am only going to ask you to read my profile. I have lived with the threats of violence, of being killed until he almost acted on it. I thought he was kidding, I thought he would never harm me....he showed me I was wrong.
I was terrified to leave because I wasn't sure I could make it on my own. I can. I didn't want to leave my marriage because I loved him. But my marriage was dead, killed by a lying cheating manipulative narcissist. I walked on eggshelz for 12 years and was willing to keep doing it to stay married but at times at dreamed about being with someone who didn't punish me when he was mad.
Sometimes walking away is the only thing we can do so save our lives. You have spent so many years being terrorized that you really don't know different anymore. Let me tell you that a new and better life is out there for you no matter your age or health or what have you. You need to find your inner strength, your power, your desire for peace. Life alone may be lonely but I have never been as lonely as I was while I was married to my xwh. You will find that you like being alone because coming home is peaceful, you wake up without someone's crap to deal with, no one threatens you, you do what YOU want when YOU want and how YOU want. There is peace beyond this marriage.
I know you're afraid but you can do it on your own. What is going to happen when you get older and frail? What will he do to you then? What will he hold against you then? Or will he leave you to suffer alone? Do not give him the right to destroy you, you are better than him and you can walk away to a life of peace. Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat. Hugs to you.
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....
Posts: 1201 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 34030
| Posted: 7:12 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
When he said that he was going to hold the polygraph against you, why didn't you just respond" :" the same goes for you when it comes to the affair. " Then you should have walked away.
This is not a good man. I hope you find the courage to leave him... hopefully this will wake him up but somehow I doubt it.
Do the 180 like the other poster advised you to. The 180 will give you the eto finally break ties with him.
Good luck to you.
And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē
Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 39676
| Posted: 9:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
I am sending you many hugs LBTS. You could be me and I could be you. When I read your post, I could feel your pain and sadness. I understand how you are feeling - I, too, had lived with a manipulative (covert) man for over 25 years. When I got away from him, I initially felt that no longer living was my only option as I had relinquished everything I was to him and his manipulation. There was little to nothing he said or did that was not designed to control, manipulate and in some way make me feel less than. Only you can stop him from hurting you LBTS. He will not stop on his own - it will never stop unless you stop it. It is not easy. It is painful, it is scary. But, trust me on this, it is better to work through the pain and free yourself from him, than to live the rest of your life in the pain to which he will continue to subject you. Please get into IC. You may need to go twice a week initially. It will help you to work through the pain. I am still struggling, but I am so much better than I was. You are stronger than you know. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve better than this. You deserve everything good, but you will never get it from him.
Me: BS (50's, but No One Would Know)
Him: STBWXH - PA/CA/NPD Serial Cheater (50's going on 12)
D-Day: Every Day?
4 Outstanding Offspring
Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise . . .
Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39733
| Posted: 10:14 PM, July 5th (Friday)|
Big hugs to you, girl....
The deal breaker between staying and leaving is this:
Has he apologized and acknowledged the depth of what he's done to you?
Has he taken any steps toward truly reconciling with you?
I'm gonna say the answer to both of those questions is NO!
Therefore, either tell him to get out or you go. This doesn't have to mean divorce. It means that you mean business!!! His reaction to that will tell you if it means divorce or not.
Do the right thing, honey.
Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
|Topic Posts: 25|| |