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User Topic: Being each others firsts?
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Do you think that the fact that my wife and I were each others firsts make this more traumatic for us...for me? Made my wifes affair more erotic and arousing for her?

I wonder if, had I had more sexual experience with more women before I married my wife if that would have reduced the trauma that this is to me. Or if my wife had other sex partners, or even a serious boyfriend, before we dated if that would have reduced the intensity we have felt throughout this experience?

I see plenty of trauma from everyone on this site...so I know it is traumatic for all involved.

But one aspect of this that really bugs me is that my wife and I had the opportunity to be each others firsts and last...and she gave that away.

I thank God that STDs were not a factor here...I can just imagine how that would complicate recovery.

Maybe this is just plain trauma...nothing worse, nothing better then the next guy...just different.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:44 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I can understand your thinking on this point. I knew that WS and I had something different in that aspect that most people did not have. At some point I held that as being proud. When things weren't so good with us, I would always say to myself that I knew we loved each other because we had kept that special to each other. So when I finally did find out it was completely shocking. There were so many things about his A that were awful but that was the one most thing that I could hardly get over.

I have read many times on SI how a S had sex in their A but that it was just sex, not a love A. Therefore it was easier for them to R with their S because they knew that they did not love this person. To me the just sex really is the most troubling part. He had now shared that part of him with someone else.

Also it has left me with so many issues. Why did he go outside of the marriage for that. Was I not good enough? Now I feel more inexperience than proud.

It is a very hard part of their A's. I can sympathize with you on this one.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Jun 2008
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 5th (Friday)

It was not just sex for my wife with the OM. I think for him it might have been just sex...guys are differnt.

Yeah...I wish it were just sex for her...but I appreciate the truth over a lie.

Seems like men are quicker to label it "just sex" then women.

thanks for replying.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:21 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 5th (Friday)

though i am not a WS my WH was my first but during a break up in our dating years i had sex with someone else it was to an extent to me just sex .....with a side of compliments . On Dday i told my WH about it since we were spilling truths and of course he was beyond pissed i was a Liar for 6 years he was under the impression he was my 1st and only ....well not that what he did was any better i might have not been his 1st but i just have been his last now there is a person on each of our side in between us.


idk what im saying ..... he was my 1st and it freakin hurt to have him do this to me . i dont know if that sound hypocritical but yeah



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Well.. You should read my story. What a douche my WW made of me.

In short, we were in a physical realtionship for nearly 5 years before M. But, we decided to wait to have sex until after M. She made me believe that I was the only guy who ever touched her.

On D-Day, I find out that she had a physical relationship with POS1 for 5 years and the cherry on the shit-cake was that she went ahead and had sex with him one week after our engagement. Obviously, she did not tell me and got married to me few months later.

Oh and if this wasnt enough POS1 was a friend of mine and knew about our engagement and future marriage. A few days after fucking my long-time girl-friend and then-fiancee, he asks me whether I have ever had sex. Then, he goes on to describe the details of his sexual experience with WW (he mentioned it was a prostitute that he fucked).

Fucking narcissistic bastard!! I found it very weird at that time, but now I understand all too well why he asked and told me all that. I still remember that cocky, mocking face of his. Somehow, I just ignored it at that time. Now, I know why it those words and expression never left me.

I would have believed all my life that we were each others first and onlies if I had not found out. Fuck being each other firsts.. fuck onlies!! Fuck special..

Sorry, I have rambled on here.. but your post hit some raw nerves..

ETA: Yes. It makes it much more difficult. Hope you and we all get through this.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 9:35 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
25yearslater
Member
Member # 32806
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 5th (Friday)

We were onlies too and I always wonder how that plays into everything but ... I know that everyone has a unique story that makes growth and recovery different than my own. Early on I worried about sexual experience, am I pleasing... and HB was confusing.

Remember that her A is hers. When you got married it was no surprise that the 'onlies' was part of your marriage.

'I am who I am' and I am learning to be happy with my self again. I suggest starting on this earlier than I did. Also talk to WW about how you feel about your loss. And one last note - STD here that has made recovery rockier and that's another reason I wish I would have focused on me first.


me: 50 yrs old BW
him: 50 yrs old WH
Together: 33 years
Married: 28 years (?)
2 teenagers that we love dearly!
DDay: November 2010
DDay #2: July 30, 2011 found out restarted EA with same MOW (ended before I found out)
DDay #3 & #4: 11/26/11
D

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2011
cuppacoffee
Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I was the husband's first and only until the A. I always thought I was safe because he is shy and was afraid of girls before me. (We started dating when he was 18).

I hate hate hate the fact that I am no longer his one and only. I think that is the part that hurts the most.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Kiddingmyself
Member
Member # 33013
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Yes. I think this makes it more traumatic for you. I believe this so strongly that I have told my children that they should not wait until marriage. That's just how cynical I've become.


WH on DDay 2: "I should just work and shut up. My happiness doesn't matter."

Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 5th (Friday)

We were each other's first and only and to me that adds a big other layer of pain to everything. And now we are lopsided, unequal in our experience and it makes what we had that was special...not. And ruining something special like that I think took another layer of betrayal for him to do. I do fear that it also puts more value on the A for them as it is now one of only two sexual experiences for them. And it has to have been more erotic for them as it happened emotionally, quickly, giving in to their desires instead of waiting til the right time. Hopefully though they were able to see that that didn't sustain in value for them. I am also angry now that I valued that with him enough to not have anyone else before or after, I gave up those experiences for him and now I will never have that and he did.
Expletive, expletive, expletive.

But hugs to you blake.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I was WH's first and only until he cheated on me. The pain is significantly an additional layer to the shitstorm.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 5th (Friday)

(((Mainlyinpain)))

Yes, to maintain our side of our covenant we will not experience another lover then our spouses. WS, no matter how one views their actions surrounding the A, did get a taste of forbidden fruit.

Speaking from a male perspective, i have wrestled with a desire to taste this forbidden fruit many times. I recognized this long ago and consciously take actions to keep me from real "opportunities". Now I see some of my own actions as not as innocent as I once thought...I have viewed porn before....sometimes w my wife more often without her. I figured it was not hurting my wife or marriage...was not in secret and wife and I still enjoyed regular sex.

I NOW regret that.

I thought I was doing so well by avoiding real life sin....leaving socials at work conferences well before alcohol and late night temptations could take hold, making sure at least one other coworker went to lunch with us if a female was involved, telling my wife about these times, etc. just never thought my wife needed to guard herself like I have to....thought it was primarily a male weakness. (Not sure who I thought the guys that were cheating were having sex with....sigh).

Now, since the A, I have to really fight this urge...because of the pain, desires to inflict pain, the reality that my wife and I's vows have been broken, and thinking of what I have missed out on.....all are bogus, selfish things to feel...so don't read that as a "pro" list of why I should seek out another woman.

While new temptations are around me now, I am recommitted to my original vows. I do this by thinking about my daughters...what harm this would do to them directly...what harm it would do to me personally, that would hurt them indirectly, and what harm it would do to our troubled marriage. Trying to do things that our WS's did not do....and it is challenging. But it is a good challenge...and, like I tried to point out, not a new challenge for me....it has also giving me an opportunity to challenge myself on just how good I was doing at this task. Just thinking there really is NO room for other people, real or in a fantasy state, between a husband and wife. Most of our society fights that firm notion...making it a tougher deal.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Yes, we were each others onlies. Part of her justification for the affair was that she should have been given the opportunity to "sow her wild oats" while I demanded exclusivity and fidelity. It's not my fucking fault she was in her late 20s and hadn't messed around yet. Since I was 26 and she was 29 when we met I hardly think her lack of oat sowing was my fault!


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
misskirby
Member
Member # 34594
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 5th (Friday)

We first started dating when we were 14, and were each other's firsts a few years later. I have since come to find out that he also did cheat on me in high school. Supposedly I was still his first, but I sometimes wonder. Either way, he has had 7 (7!) other women besides me, while he remains my only. Talk about losing the specialness.


Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost


Posts: 212 | Registered: Jan 2012
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 5th (Friday)

My W was my first. I think it has made it more traumatic for me. I’ve never navigated the heartbreak and break up of a relationship. Even with R I think the BS navigates the heartbreak and break up of a relationship.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Wow... so I'm not alone, make me feel a bit better but can't help wishing I were, then no one else would have to feel this way.


The worst of it is that for 30years I held the fact that we were "one and onlies" as something to be cherished, it made up "special", gave us a unique bond (amoung our cirlce of friends anyway)


We met at barely 18 and because we were "one an onlies" I felt that and the 30 years we'd spent building a life, a family gave me some from of... protection (stupid me), I felt it made us "special" and he'd never risk losing that "special"


WH's PA was "just sex" (hookers) and that sometimes feels worse, that he could give away something we held so dear for "just sex", not for "lurve", just to get his rocks off.


But here's the worst, after 30 years of believing he felt the same, that our status of "one and onlies' was special, was something to be cherished and be proud of... he never felt that way at all, it was just "dumb luck", just the way circumstances played out... if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else... I've lost all my feeling of being "special"


This belief, that he felt the same, was not some delusion I had either, he has agreed with me and stated it himself on many occassions over 30 years... I just had no idea he was lying about it the whole time!


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)

WTWU..,,I see we are experiencjng similar feelings....however, a word of caution. You mention your husband NOW says or acts like it was "dumb luck" and not special. Don't take this for gospel.

Oh, heat believe that right now....but the human mind has ways of protecting itself. It is highly likely that he does not really believe this deep down....but it is a coping mechanism that shields him from the pain of his actions.....got that tidbit from my IC....referring to me as well as my WW.

Please think on that before you committ your husbands statements of late into the vault if true facts in your mind.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Wow, this is something I had not really thought about before. Must be terribly painful.

I have however thought many times about the fact that I had always been 'proud' of the fact that we could tell people that we were in a 30-something yr faithful marriage. He blew that right out of the water.

Now, it makes me so sad to think that even if I started over again at 55 yrs old in a new marriage, that I would still not even be able to claim a 30-something yr faithful marriage, because chances are I wouldn't live long enough to!

One more thing he stole from me.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)

WTWU,

he never felt that way at all, it was just "dumb luck", just the way circumstances played out

I don’t know where in your M so if it does not apply please just ignore me. I seriously doubt he never felt that way. There could be some rewriting going on. I think blakesteele has it right.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 5th (Friday)

You mention your husband NOW says or acts like it was "dumb luck" and not special. Don't take this for gospel.


Blakesteele I have discussed this point with him to determine if it was just the stance he was taking now (after the fact) something he tells himself now, perhaps to ease his own conscience or an attempt to minimise MY pain over the loss but no, he assures me he never felt it was anything "special".


He has never valued our status of "one and onlies" the way I did but he agreed with me (and stated it himself) whenever the subject came up to avoid any conflict on the issue (he was a master conflict avoider)... now I feel perhaps he was a little embarrassed by it, like I was telling the world he hadn't had sex until he had with me, he'd never sown his "wild oats" and that made him... "less of a man" in the eyes of other men who had had mulitple "conquests" in their youth IYKWIM


I think it plays back into the general view in society (of my generation) that a man who has mulitiple partners (while single and available to do so if he chooses, not talking about being unfaithful) is thought of as a "stud" while a woman is still thought of as a "slut"

Gender inequality is alive and well when it comes to sex IMHO (apologies for the shocking pun LOL)

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 6:16 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 5th (Friday)

(((WTWU)))

I can relate...having seen my wife's AP around town, with another woman NOT his wife, in an inappropriate position I fully expect him to brag about his experience with my wife...or at least lack remorse for his part in the affair. I work with a guy that brags about sex w 3 of the 9 moms on his sons ball team...even thigh he got beat up over one of them and his marriage is over. Guys view A in a different light...part is nature and part is how accepting society is. Sigh

our society does have double standards.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 5th (Friday)

My fww was my only, and I knew she was with other men before me, but I never realized how many and didn’t realize she introduced me to some of the ones she was seeing behind my back while we were dating and married.

The thing is, I was ok with her past it was the present that really bothered me. She gaslighted for years to the point of chewing my ass for even thinking such a thing about her. There were times that I would think I was lucky to have her faithful in spite of her busy past.

There is a special kind of messed up feeling to believe I wasted monogamy on this. It seems to me there is a pain all its own to have someone so “busy” trick you into believing otherwise just to find out 20 years later that in fact she was playing you for a fool the whole time. But, I can definitely see how had I been her only the devastation I would feel for having left something so incredibly special for meaningless sex.

I am not so sure there is any infidelity that is less bad than another. The common denominator is they all have some sort of severe emotional pain associated with them in spite of the unique and dynamic situations.

I may not know exactly how you feel, but unfortunately I have a pretty good idea that it isn’t pleasant either. I hope you find peace with this somehow very soon.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Tired05
Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 5th (Friday)

The pain you feel is the same for me as well. My WH and I were each other's first.

TMI but,
I enjoyed that fact, no one else had known his body, what he looks like when he is finishing, I was the only one he had the pleasure to experience.

BOY WAS I DEAD WRONG. It seems after about a year and a half, he just couldn't WAIT to try out other people. Now that everything has come out, he asks me "Haven't you ever wondered what it is like to have sex with another person?" and I say "Of course I do and did. However, I NEVER placed that above or anywhere near my love and respect for you and my marriage."

So now, he has had many partners, and even though I was his first and his first wife (obviously) I am not even the only woman to know what it is like to carry a child of his.

The pain is very real. I feel extremely embarrassed now because of my 'inexperience', jealous, ashamed that I went on believing and enjoying what I thought was true for so long, enraged that in his mind he felt he was entitled to try other people because he hadn't, and enraged that he took something that was special about us and just stomped all over it and allowed those other people a go right after him. I also hate that he gets the luxury of having a wife who is 'virgin' to anyone but him and doesn't have to worry about me comparing him to my other lovers or past partners, while he just gets all these new experiences to marvel over. Sometimes I NEVER want to have sex with him again because it makes me so angry and disgusted.

I don't think if we hadn't been our spouse's first and stayed true to them, that it would really be that much less traumatic for us. However, I do feel like it is one more layer thrown onto the big pile of shit that our WS's threw ontop of us...if that makes sense.

I also agree with a post way above me. To me, I equate sex with love and it is something special and I don't understand sex without emotion or love. That makes R that much harder, because I feel like there is no way he just did it to get off and then didn't really enjoy it or feel any kind of feelings. I guess it also doesn't help that he did have an EA/PA, and with that, at the very least, there are emotions during the fog. The 'I love you's', the cuddling after, and the talks of future plans after the act. It eats me up inside. It was something very special to me, and even if I leave him, I will never have that 'we were each other's firsts and onlies' ever again.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 8:10 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)

We were each others one and onlies too. Early on after dday I made a big deal of this. We were kids when we started dating an we waited almost 2 years to consumate out relationship. This was only after we had already commited our lives to one another.

Now after R and healing and time I can look at things differently. Yes I took great pride in only having sex with my spouse. Now I can say honestly, at the time when we got married it was a big deal. But during his A he wasn't himself. He was broken and messed up. Do I think we lost something by losing this level of special? Not really not anymore. Few people go through life with only one partner. Had this whole shitstorm not occurred I'm not confident that we would be nearly as happy and healthy as we are today. We certainly have a great sex life and our intimacy is at a level I didnt know was possible prior to dday.
So I guess my point is yah it sucks for everyone. I'm not convinced its more painful than others who are married that had someone before. After all they were commited when their partners chose to have an A. I think anything can be a bigger deal if you choose to make it one, the trick is keeping perspective and focusing on the here and now and the future.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I agree with everything here.
Wh and I were onlies. We were the only ones I know in our age group to have only been with each other. People told us it would never work, that you needed to have sex with other people to see what else is out there...I thought they were wrong but I was wrong about wh :(

I never thought I would have to think about him with someone else. I loved that I was the only for so many things. Before me he had only kissed a few girls nothing more and I had kissed one other guy. Everything else was just for us. I used to feel our connection was so strong when we were having sex and i knew that was only ever shared between us. The connection isnt nearly as strong now. Now everything is shared with her including the phrase "I love you" makes me sick.

I hate that she knows what I know. That everyone knew we were onlies (we were pretty proud about it) now everyone knows we aren't. I hate that for 8.5 years I was all he needed and then suddenly he needed more. He couldn't resist her. I'm so much prettier then her...I look at her and I think "her? Really? She's the one that you gave it all away for? The one that was worth losing everything about us that was special?" I don't get it :(

He says he never wanted to only be with one person. He always knew he would need to know what being with someone else was like. I must have missed that part of our wedding vows. He never told me that, he always said he was glad we were onlies. I asked him several times about it over the years.

He is so happy now. Happier then ever before. I feel like there is no happy left for me anymore. I'm not happy with him and I know I wouldn't be happy without him. I love him but I hate him. It's so conflicting.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2012
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I'm not convinced its more painful than others who are married that had someone before.

Tushnurse I don't believe that it is more painful (I apologise if that's how it came across) it's just a layer of pain that others who have had previous partners would not experience... much like the women who are betrayed while pregnant or those whose spouse has an OC as a result of an A. That's not a pain I have felt and, reading here, I am sure it's a special kind of hell (we all have our own "special" hell from this, most have more than one kind of hell) This is one of mine.


It's not 'worse' just... different and perhaps because a couple being "one and onlies" is a bit unusual these days (e.g. neither of my adult children will ever be able to be in a "one and only" relationship with anyone... not now, that ship has sailed for both of them)it feels as though no one can understand that particular loss.


It's comforting (and at the same time very sad) to know I am not alone in that feeling of loss. I'm not crazy for feeling that it IS a loss just because my WH doesn't feel the same.



Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2011
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

In 5 years being here, I have seen this topic come up many times. Saw the thread yesterday and just passed it over, but today, I saw two pages and decided to check it out hoping someone would have that nugget which would make this aspect "click" for me.

Nope, not yet. Perhaps some day someone's perspective will click for me, but for now this is one area that remains open I am sorry to say, especially for all those dealing with this aspect as well.

As for pain, I agree, it is not "more" painful or tramatic, degrees of pain and trama are individual IMO, not necessarily universal, some aspects of infidelity that cause others here deep grief and in some cases are their personal deal breakers were not an issue for me, and vice versa.

The only "solution" I have found for this issue for me, is to realize my "why" behind this being onlies was special. And to question why it was special, why it meant so much to me, should it have? what does/did it say about me and who I am/was or who I wanted to be? Why did I really remain faithful? Is this issue one that truly makes me special or not special? What really is "special" and can another instill speciallness in me? Do I want to leave that area of "speciallness" to another to have control over whether I am special or not? Does he really have that kind of power?

I too bought the being "onlies", and the being married X number of years as special and something of value, I have had to examine it and question it. Have come to some thoughts on the matter , but it is not "settled" but it is not a huge weight of pain and shame as it was before, but it is not gone yet, there is still work to be done imo for me in this area, it might be that I need to change more of my perspective, or it could be simply that it was something important and I just have to grieve it as I have grieved so many other things lost due to infidelity.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3435 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Saw the thread yesterday and just passed it over, but today, I saw two pages and decided to check it out hoping someone would have that nugget which would make this aspect "click" for me.
IMHO, married onlies get the emotional privilege of maintaining their sexual innocence. I guess I view it as a gift that they have never given to another. It is very rare that two people valued sex at the level of an exclusive gift given only to someone who can give that exclusivity in return.

With that said, I think being married under that shroud of emotional security regarding sex causes one to be much more capable of exposing themselves to the misconception that "my spouse would never" mentality. So when it does happen, its not just the betrayal, its taking back the gift. The sad part is that the gift isn't taken the day one strays, its taken from the moment they were onlies. I can see that having an emotional trauma all its own.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Yes, yes, joeboo! I spent five years with clues in my face and steadfastly rejected the clues I saw as possibly being about infidelity. I so felt in my sole that he would not go there with another woman because I just could not see him ever taking that step, not after never having a


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Happy  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Yes, yes, joeboo! I spent five years with clues in my face and steadfastly rejected the clues I saw as possibly being about infidelity. I so felt in my soul that he would not go there with another woman because I just could not see him ever taking that step, not after never having anyone but me (and me being so great):) I even found some pictures he had of her with her husband, on the beach in bikini, and he said he didn't know how they got on his desk at office, why don't you ask her? I tossed out the notion of anything between them because I KNEW he would not go there. I instead believed that he swiped the photos off her desk to ogle at and I didn't want to get HIM in trouble by confronting her for something he had swiped so to protect HIM I didn't ask her. This hurts so much, because of my decision it went on for years more, I had that in my hands and blew it. My decision caused years more of harm to me. I really believe that for us first and onlies it takes so much longer to investigate the possibility of infidelity, we just can't visualize our partners with another another person because in our (false) reality we know that that has never occurred. So we let it go on for so much longer whereas I believe others don't struggle with the belief of at least considering the possibility for so much longer. We have to get past another layer of disbelief before we can go there.
Handicaps us in the discovery process I believe and maybe lets it go on longer because of our handicap.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Great replies by all.

Some new thoughts for me because of this.

1. I still have my vows intact. While I have natural sexual urges and have fantasized...I did not act on them. Not feeling self righteous about that...but no longer feel as if I somehow missed out on something intoxicatingly exciting...that is having sex with someone other then my wife. I say this because the actions my wife displayed after her A died resembled to me that of an addict....leaving me to feel as if I had missed out on something...seeing her desire at such a strong level even with being faced with hurting her husband and her daughters and her self respect--it made me wonder just how great the experience could be for me. As time has gone by I am comforted by my choices...not feel trapped by them or somehow at a disadvantage. A comfort I would lose if I had chosen to have an affair of my own in response to urges I have had. Thank you SI for letting me see how that adds another layer of issues to work on!

2. The importance I put on this part of my marriage set me up to be blind to the dangers out there. I knew guys had temptations to deal with and I took actions to keep my boundaries firm...but never thought women needed them because I incorrectly thought they were not tempted. I am blind no more...and will find seek opportunities to set the relationship foundation of my young daughters up differently then I did my own. I don't know if this is to encourage premarital sex...as some have suggested...but will put this on my to-do list. Of course, the importance I put on this part of our marriage DID help me set up firm boundaries as mentioned before...so some weight is needed (and this is where I am going to examine further over the next years).

3. This is serious trauma...at this level I guess it doesn't really matter if I had 1 or 20 partners...the betrayal is betrayal. I would do good to stop trying to quantify and compare my experience to others.

Thank you again for so many thoughtful and differing posts.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:34 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I have been with my WH now 31 years. I used to be extremely proud and excited to tell people we are high school sweet hearts.

I was his first and he was mine, but to find out now that 6 months later while he was in college he had a second.
His first duty station in the military, he had #3, 4, and 5.

That was all before I married my one and only!

It continued for many years. How did he it make him feel when he heard me saying, so proudly, we were HS sweethearts?

I feel ashamed to be part of this marriage. I feel stupid that I didn't see the signs, or was just young and in love and ignored them.
I feel that my whole married has been a lie. There must have been nothing special about me to keep disrespecting me, except for the fact that he knew I would always be there for him, support him and love him.

He have been in R for a long while, but have decided I will never be able to trust him again.

I am working on healing myself and walking with my self confidence again, which I never had lack of before this mess.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 26th (Friday)

All I can say is "me too." It was a large part of the betrayal. We were virgins, and i remember very well how difficult that commitment was to maintain. But there was no self-control at all between them. And when it started, she seems to deliberately ruin sex between us, I suppose so that she could tell herself how superior an experience it was being with him.
It was one of the reasons that it took me so long to really investigate and learn the truth. I didn't think that a woman who had waited until marriage could possible commit adultery. What an idiot I was.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Topic Posts: 32