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User Topic: Wh and no sex drive? Hard time wrapping my head around...
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 5th (Friday)

So lately I have been feeling like something is wrong with me, like my WH isnt attracted to me. He hasnt seemed "too into it".

Yesterday we got to talking and he admitted that he has no sex drive. And to get "ready" he has to really put effort. I told him that it must be me and that he isnt attracted to me anymore. He swears that's not right, and that he wants to see a doctor because he thinks he might have low testerone. I kept telling him it must be me, and that maybe he isnt attracted to me. I told him I feel like he thinks I am fat (he makes jokes about my weight) and it hurts my feelings and maybe I should lose weight (his response is being thinner is healthier) so thats a big yes he agreed to me. But anyways he says he is always SO tired, and thinks that low testerone might be the problem. He wants to get checked out. He claimed I wasnt being supportive, so I changed my tune and tried to be. I agree he should get checked.

I told him i was sorry, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the low testerone theory since 6-7 months ago he was fucking another person, and told me he might be addicted to sex. I told him that he was hard enought to have sex with her once a week (more than we are having it) and he used the excuse that it wasnt that hard with her, but I pointed out it was hard enought to fuck her. I told him maybe he was more attracted to her than me, and thats why he was having issues.


He swears it is NOT that he doesnt find me sexy...he does. He truly thinks its the testerone. So I posed the question...well what if it isnt...what if his testerone is normal?

He replied that maybe it was psychological and maybe it has something to do with him pushing down his feelings about how her hurt me, and betrayed me.

And he assured me that if it wasnt the testerone, then we would look into figuring out what it could be together.

Opinions?


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2013
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 5th (Friday)

He replied that maybe it was psychological and maybe it has something to do with him pushing down his feelings about how her hurt me, and betrayed me.

And he assured me that if it wasnt the testerone, then we would look into figuring out what it could be together.

I would say that if he does all of the above and follows thru with it then that would help me because it would answer some questions. Also it would mean he is being proactiv.

But I feel for you. Nothing feels worse then an A and then the person who we have forgiven now showing sexually that they don't want you. It hurts and makes us want to throw in the towel.

So make sure he tells you what he is doing and continues to talk to you. That is the best answer I can give you. If he says these things but never follows thru then you will need to re think what you want. And how you want to live.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Wow! Only 40 and having those issues.. Glad he talked to you about it.

I would get him into the doctor asap...My husband has low readings and he is able to maintain an erection. He is also diabetic.

Are you both in counseling? You have an awful lot on your plate with twins.
Let us know how that doctor appointment goes.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 5th (Friday)

...he makes jokes about my weight

This is not something a loving spouse would do.

But anyways he says he is always SO tired, and thinks that low testerone might be the problem.

After his A what work did he do to figure out his Whys? What is he changing about himself to be different other than not f-ing OW? Does he still work with OW?


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Last Laugh
Member
Member # 11653
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 5th (Friday)

my FWH has this problem due to high blood pressure meds and ADs, according to his doctor.


trust is gained by many deeds and lost by only one.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Aug 2006
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 5th (Friday)

At 40, I'd expect guilt is a more likely explanation than low testosterone, especially if he doesn't call his doc today.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:38 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 5th (Friday)

My WH hasnt done anything to figure out his whys...but he suggested that it might be the way he is feeling about how he hurt me. And he reassured me that we will figure it out...

I cant help but feeling its me. And that he just doesnt want to admit it.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2013
sodamnsorry
New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 5th (Friday)

We have the same issue sadly. WH got his blood checked out, all was fine. The different drive issue sucks so bad after Dday. He spent so many hours sexting his whore and I try and engage it with him myself - crickets. Despite having told him how many times it hurts he did that with IT and not me. Going on a week now of no-sex and I typically have the hormones of a 14 YO boy so yeah - pretty much bites.

(((HUGS))))


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 5th (Friday)

(((heartbroken2012)))

My WH had problems getting hard enough for sex the last month before Dday. Then it got worse for about 4 months after Dday. He claims he also had problems getting very hard or finishing with his AP.

Turns out it was guilt during the A. Then it was shame afterwards. His brain was equating sex as a shameful thing.

Before I knew about the A, I was worried he had a heart condition or diabetes. That is a major sign for both.

If it is guilt or shame, your WH will get better, especially if you don't focus on it.

Regarding your weight and his comment. He may not have meant it as an insult. For years I watched my WH live a very sedentary life. I tried to get him to go walking with me. I bought him a pedometer so he could see how little he moved. I tried to get him to work out with our son when the personal trainer was over. He took it to mean I wasn't attracted. My motivation was i didn't want him to die on us. I wanted him healthy. It would have been easy to start teasing him about his weight and his lack of exercise to try to get him moving. I didn't, but our kids sure did (and I did NOT encourage that).

So, the jokes and comment may really well be coming from a place of concern for your health and not from a lack of attraction.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 5th (Friday)

My fwh had very low testosterone starting at 34. And? He's a diagnosed SA. I'd definitely not rule that out at all.

Also, after HB was over his drive dropped to non-existent for awhile due to shame and guilt. His actions really hit him full force and he had to deal with them and it completely affected his drive.

His AD's also decrease his drive.

I took it personal for a long time, then realized it had nothing to do with me. Not a damn thing.

We've talked a LOT, I had to really try to hear him and believe he still finds me beautiful.

Keep communicating. That's what has helped us the most. Open and honest communication. His drive has improved, though it isn't what it was pre Dday, which is a good thing.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 5th (Friday)

So, the jokes and comment may really well be coming from a place of concern for your health and not from a lack of attraction.

Under the circumstances, I'm not buying this.

An unfaithful man who "jokes" about his wife's weight during the post-discovery period---when he's experiencing impotence, to boot---is NOT a man who's concerned about his wife's health and well-being.

Jokes about weight are a way of deflecting attention from the real issue: he had sex with someone else, and now is not able to have sex with his wife.

That's a pretty crushing set of circumstances.

The impulse to add "jokes" about weight to the mix is wrong-minded and DAMAGING.

And IMO, it is intended to be that way. It is intended to shut the BS down. It is intended to deflect attention from the real issues. It is another way to make the BS feel responsible for the shortcomings of the WS.

(((Heartbroken))) What is he doing to help you feel safe in your marriage?

Yes, indeed---a quick testosterone test would be a good idea. But I would not expect it to come back with helpful results. It might, but even with testosterone supplementation, he may well be in sufficient emotional turmoil that he cannot "perform." It's very common post d-day.

You ask for suggestions. IC for him, if he's not there already. If he is, a different digging approach. He needs to reconcile what he has done with who he is--and find a way to live with it that permits him to be the husband you deserve.

MC might help, as well--but I would not go down that path until he's gathered some new tools for his arsenal.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8887 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 5th (Friday)

he had sex with someone else, and now is not able to have sex with his wife.

I fear this is true...


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 5th (Friday)

heartbroken

This is yet another part of his brokenness. Any man that states anything about his womens added lbs after giving birth to twins!!! Let me at 'em! He needs counseling. He needs to work on him. You ignore his statements. He is trying to blame you for his shortcomings...

You need to love you! Realize his affair has/had nothing to do with you..

He needs to work on the why and quit making you feel bad about yourself.

I am hoping he starts showing you with actions he is trying..Instead of blaming you...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I'm so sorry, I know what you're going through and it's hard not to take it personally.

My WH told me on and off for years that he had low T and that's why he had no sex drive. He even went on testosterone shots (which killed his ability to have children), but still I saw no sex drive.

Now that I'm wiser, I see he had a perfectly fine sex drive for some time, just not towards me. In an email I saw to OW he even told her he had a very high sex drive.

I observed that after dday #1 his sex drive was killed from the guilt and shame he felt for what he did since it happened right after our M. He beat himself up for a long time and that was part of it.

it could be guilt, fear of hurting you again, low T anything. Listen, pay attention and keep using common sense. You'll figure it out. Just try not to internalize it or take it too personally. Your self esteem has already been beat up enough.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 413 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Your WH has been very unremorseful since dday..he is tired of your emotions and wants you to STFU and get over it already.

Now he can't have sex with you.

Gently,honey,are you sure he isn't cheating again? Maybe a different OW?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I dont think he is cheating again. Everything else points to no...


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I'm afraid.I'm going to have to agree with confused ^^^^^^^ possibly??

My ws started having problems in that dept for the 1st time , I later realized was at the time his attraction to ow grew. He couldn't keep it up with me. Sex became more scarce, until eventually non existent for us. After DD we went thru HB and everything worked perfectly but I.think it was the excitement of rekindling. Within a couple of months the old issues came back. He had gone underground with A. I know my ws isn't attracted to me sexually because he's got it bad for ow. Sometimes it really gets to me but I have to remind myself that its not because of a few xtra lbs or because I'm old, ugly, whatever...I could look like Giselle and he is still totally enamored with ow.. I'm sorry I got off track...just sayin I would be on alert for an ow relapse..hope I'm wrong, I really do.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 5th (Friday)

It is very common for sex addicts to be unable to have sex with their partners. It's called sexual anorexia, and is one of the most confusing part of SA. How can a person be a SA yet not want to have sex with their partner?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 5th (Friday)

It's called sexual anorexia, and is one of the most confusing part of SA. How can a person be a SA yet not want to have sex with their partner?
I want to learn more about this.

My wife shut me off for years and blamed it on her complete hysterectomy. But, I am going to go with the guilt explanation. She knew I had my suspicions and it bothered her. She has never admitted that, but now that some truths about my suspicions have been confirmed, she wants to do it on a regular basis. The problem is that now I don't feel comfortable with her.

I don't know, but if I had to speculate I would say it has something to do with the fact that they know they have messed up their relationship to the point that they can't function with their spouse.

With regards to the weight thing....., well, that's just fucked up. Honesty is beautiful and sexy and I don't give a shit how many pounds it's wrapped in it doesn't diminish the value.

Probably time to tell him to put his money where his mouth is and schedule a blood test or castration.


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, July 5th (Friday)

http://www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Sexual anorexia is not uncommon at all for sex addicts.

Porn can also desensitize and negatively impact your sex life if he's a SA as does compulsive masturbation.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thanks for that info Nature Girl. So damn confusing..someone so obsessed with sex, yet unable to perform sometimes. I took it very personally and just stopped wanting too at all..I'm going to check that out.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Could be a testosterone issue.
Could be guilt interferes with arousal.
If there is any sort of physical or psychological issue reducing ability to have sex, it makes sense to me that this would increase the thoughts about sex, possibly to an obsessive level, which could also reduce ability to perform even further.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

The number one reg flag I missed that would have told me my husband was an SA-
he almost never wanted to have sex.
SA sobriety- no masterbating.

NEITHER of those may apply to your situation-those are just my SA tips.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

OK...and here's a completely different angle on all this because I LIVED it.

Have your WS get a physical and get his heart checked out. FWS was having "issues" (cough, cough) with his performance and his doctor, me and him all blamed it on the after-effects of his affairs.

Come to find out it was his heart. He died from what's called "The Widow Maker". Major blockages in both veins. Hindsight we should have insisted on a more extensive check of his heart but we didn't read the warning signs right and thought is was due to guilt.

Having problems with being tired all the time, and desire/performance issues are indicators there isn't enough blood moving through the body.

Please.....we all like to blame everything on sex and mental issues but heart disease can play a huge part in this. Get his heart checked.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6586 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My WH was not diagnosed SA, but I am sure he is. Sexual anorexia was epic in our marriage---years-long, with elaborate (physician-endorsed) explanation. (Impotence was consistent with his medical condition, meds, and testosterone level, only he was only impotent at home, it seems---and never pursued the testosterone angle even when he tested low-ish; he knew he didn't need to.) He refused to consider SA. And even though I identified him as such, and with my understanding of addiction can intellectually understand that it really has nothing to do with me, the fact that it so profoundly impacted me on a daily basis makes it very difficult to really internalize the it's not you; it's a disease truth.

((((heartbroken)))) I'm so sorry for your pain. Like so many others, I understand, and wish you were not facing this. SA or not, this is NOT about any shortcoming you might possess.

It's about him, and his brokenness.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8887 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 26