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User Topic: I'm not overreacting
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Angry  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 5th (Friday)

I am frustrated and upset.


*** We are in a MUTUALLY OPEN MARRIAGE ***

WARNING -- we just got into an argument & I'm still heated, so this is more negative/snarky/angry than I really "am" -- I love my WH very much & he loves me too.

I just need to vent.

He has been great & supportive; I just posted a happy story in the Reconciliation Forum the other day.

I'm emotional today {as I am most days when I come to SI -- I tend not to post my own threads when things are going well} so bear that in mind.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:24 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Well, you're wiser than I am. At least you didn't take forever beating yourself up to come to those smart conclusions.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 5th (Friday)

You definitely aren't overreacting. If anything, you are underreacting and settling for crumbs from this guy.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 5th (Friday)

So have you decided to not let him have a one-sided-open-relationship then? I'm confused. If you are still going to let him have sex with whomever he wants as long as you guys don't know the person, then you really aren't holding up your end of the bargain by being jealous and teasing him when he's going to the beach to (probably) pick up women.

If you have taken back that agreement though, and want this to work as a monogamous relationship, then you've both got some serious work to even begin working through this. A WS gets no privacy after infidelity until they earn it back. IMO, there is no reason for a husband and a wife to have password protected information from each other ever, but especially not after infidelity. This is one of the consequences of them lying and cheating. It's also not healthy for you to "tease" him about looking hot for the ladies.... that sets up an expectation that you know he's going to flirt and are ok with it (provided you've decided on monogamy is the only time that would be a problem I guess).

Either way, he's not even kind of getting the damage he's done to you by the cheating he HAS done, and it doesn't look like he's ever going to. I attribute that to your agreeing to his one-sided-open-relationship after he had already cheated on you. In his head, he's probably thinking "you agreed to it, so it's not a problem, now back off because I'm going to go get laid later and you're cramping my style". Or something like that.

You have a very long, and incredibly painful road ahead of you with this one.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 5th (Friday)

If he doesn't want to sleep with you (you note you still aren't seeing affection)and flirts with every woman he sees behind your back or even in front of you as he did with "S", then you don't have a marriage, you have a roommate. You're living with a man who shares expenses and goes out on dates with others.

Sorry, but at this point if he likes sex but isn't affectionate with you, then it's unlikely he's being abstinent. He may just be one of those men who can't have sex with a woman when it isn't new or doesn't involve conquest. Or is one of those men who can't have sex with a woman who has his child because it's like having sex with his mother. ( you didn't mention kids, but it happens.)

It's more common than you think. It makes a woman feel worthless and unattractive when really it's the man's problem that he tries to make the wife believe is her own.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:36 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 5th (Friday)

The MUTUALLY open relationship is "the plan" however the agreement was we have to be doing very well in the relationship (meaning, we're both happy and we both feel secure and loved) before we start executing it.

He says I can do the same things as him.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Is he taking steroids? Is that why he can't get it up? And looking "good" is more important than YOU?? More important than having a loving,healthy marriage with his wife??

Why would you be with a man who has shown you he values himself,his body,his ego,way more than he values you?

IIRC,you said you stay with him because he loves you. Honey..I have read nothing that indicates this man loves anyone but himself.

This is not love. You may love him..but he doesn't love you..at least,not in a way that is healthy for you. At all.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Privacy and secrecy are two different things.

If an accountant steals from you, and you give him a second chance, are you unreasonable for ordering an audit once in a while (marriage version of an audit: checking his phone?)

Nope.

If you don't have kids and are in your 20s, you must have the world's lowest self-esteem to still be with this guy when you don't seem to be anything to him except convenience as a roommate.

Unless he's richer than Warren Buffet and Bill Gates combined, I'd walk outta there and find someone to love me back.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 5th (Friday)

1000% agree with confused and heavy sigh. Why are you in this relationship???? You are so young! You should be enjoying your life. I'm so sad for you.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Confused615 - I do think looking good is more important to him than I am.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Something very very weird is going on here, and I'm not sure what it is. BUT, I can assure you that whatever it is. He does NOT have YOUR best interest at heart.

It sounds to me like he has you exactly where he wants you.

What are you getting out of this relationship?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 5th (Friday)

His sex drive is kaput.

Clearly it's not if he can manage to have sex with anybody else, but you.

I spend 90 minutes a day making our apartment look like a picture out of a magazine (in terms of cleanliness anyway, I need some more art in here ) and I know if I just gave it a quick five-minute once-over for a week, he'd kill me.

He has it made. A wife who caters to his every whim and who allows him to have sex with anybody he wants.

I feel like a lot of my acceptance of him, his issues (needing external validation), his desperate need for privacy, etc., stems from my general low expectations for men of this generation.

People rise to the level of expectations we set for them. You have low expectations, so that's exactly what he gives you. Basically, if you don't believe you deserve better, then you are never going to get better from him or anybody else.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
waiting2see
Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Seems like he is putting on his oxygen mask and holding yours just out of your reach.

When exactly do you put your self interest first?

Your entire relationship seems to be about him.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1930 | Registered: Feb 2007
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Has he ever been physically abusive to you? Has anyone? Because you very much sound like you've been abused and you think *this* is all you deserve.

Love is an action..in what way is he loving you?


((((((((((mp)))))))))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)

You're definitely not overreacting, which makes me wonder if you're reacting enough. To protect and honor yourself, your needs and your feelings.

I changed so much from my twenties to my thirties. I used to make excuses for bad behavior, until I realized that it wasn't fair to me to allow myself to be treated disrespectfully.

Trust yourself and that little voice inside of your gut. It helps protect us. Trust and listen to your instincts and don't sell yourself short. You deserve so much respect, love, happiness, affection, loyalty and laughter.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 390 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I know he's not cheating; we just moved cross-country.

How do you know this? His history says he will/is. Just because you're away from the OW doesn't mean there will be a new one on the horizon.

Your WH is not remorseful from what I've read in your posts. So he values his privacy, big deal. How about valuing fidelity????

You have a new OW on your horizon - the daughter of his mother's boyfriend. She has no boundaries, your WH has no boundaries. How long do you really think it will take until something happens?

You can see this family member outside of being at their house. Invite this person over to your place or out to dinner.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 5th (Friday)

But I love him, and he loves me.

YOU may love him, but he loves HIMSELF, not you!

Sorry sweetie, this is NOT love. This is manipulation, and just down-right freaking mean!!

To continuely disregard the very things you have stated you need in this M, to almost flaunt the exact opposite, seems sadistic to me!!

You are so young. As others have asked "what do you get out of this relationship?" is a very valid question.

Are you in IC? (sorry if I missed that) YOU need to find out why you think you deserve so little of your spouse. Because you definitely DO NOT deserve so little! you deserve so much more!!!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I have been abused. Both within my family and from outsiders.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 5th (Friday)

What am I getting out of this relationship / why am I still here...

Well, I love him. He loves me.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Oh honey. I just want to hug you.

((((((mp)))))

and

(((((mp)))))

He is not caring about you and your needs. He is not being supportive of your needs.

Are you having fun with him?

You have had a lifetime of abuse. Perhaps what you think of as "love" isn't?*

*Light bulb moment for me,BTW*


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I hope you get into see your IC sooner rather than later. You have a lot going on in the life drama department and need somewhere to work it out.

You seem to spend a lot of time rationalizing what your husband is doing/has done and the reasons he may be doing it. Please stop that. There isn't any justification for him to fuck another woman while he is married to you and ignoring the physical aspects of your marriage. His "ego" shouldn't rule over his life (or your life!).

You are right, you cannot control him. He is who he is.

Gently, I would not treat my dog as terrible as your husband treats you. Whether it is behind your back or not (secret texts about "S" and how he wants to fuck her hotness and she wants him too? Is he in high school?), he is treating you badly and you need to face that. He kicks you when you are down, what does he do to build you up? What is he bringing to the table in your relationship?

You say he loves you, you say you are best friends - you don't have to write it out here, but give yourself CONCRETE examples of this. As many of them as you can think of. What are the actual ways he brings positive contributions to your life together?


Posts: 727 | Registered: Sep 2010
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)

She punched me one other time when I was 10 or 11 & was emotionally abusive. (Alternated between being neglectful and needy, shoved off parental duties onto me, used me and my sister as pawns both with my father and to display a certain image to the neighborhood/town/school/etc)

Soooo, you just basically married your abusive mother. Might be something to explore in IC. It's completely common, and it's completely common to do that and to stay with the spouse in an effort to get them to heal that childhood pain you have. You should really check out Dr. Harville Hendrix's books, he deals with all these types of FOO issues and how they affect your life choices, like picking a spouse who wants to have sex with everyone but you.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I guess.... I believe deep down inside that everyone's "own" ego is #1 to them -- that when it comes down to it, we have to protect ourselves first. (Right? If a plane crashes you're supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first, that kind of thing.) One of my teachers/mentors in high school really drilled into me that like it or not I have my own self-interests first, and so does everyone else, even if it is just instinctual.

2x4 ahead

Sorry, but I'm calling bullshit on this one. You don't have your self-interests first. Your ego is not #1. There is not a single post you've made on SI which suggests you even remotely care about yourself, your ego, your interests, your self-esteem. You're trying very hard to convince us of your mutual love, but we all see right through it. What you have is not love. What you have is not healthy. What you have is not a marriage.

Until you start being honest & facing the nightmare that is your relationship, until you admit that you have serious issues and do something about it like get yourself into counseling, you're going to continue to be miserable. This man is not marriage material. He is all kinds of fucked up, and you're too dysfunctional to admit that you like him for his arm candy value.

You need counseling.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Until you start being honest & facing the nightmare that is your relationship, until you admit that you have serious issues and do something about it like get yourself into counseling, you're going to continue to be miserable. This man is not marriage material. He is all kinds of fucked up, and you're too dysfunctional to admit that you like him for his arm candy value.

I would take the word 'miserable' out of NG's post and put in 'comfortable'. This is your 'normal' This is how your parents taught you, you should be treated.

You have participated in this dynamic. And this relationship, IMO, is abuse.

You say that you love him and that he loves you.

I would ask you to spend some time defining how you each perform this action on each other. Love is a verb. Like brokenblackbird described. Concrete examples.

You deserve better. Everyone on this thread see that except you. What you describe as 'low maintenance', IMO is FOO driven codependence.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Until you start being honest & facing the nightmare that is your relationship, until you admit that you have serious issues and do something about it like get yourself into counseling, you're going to continue to be miserable. This man is not marriage material. He is all kinds of fucked up, and you're too dysfunctional to admit that you like him for his arm candy value.

I've said multiple times that I'm waiting on an appointment with the counselor I went to during my teen years.

(I'm addressing the arm candy thing at the end since it doesn't fit here, but that is frankly hogwash. He's the one who's obsessed with appearances.. not me.)

I vehemently disagree with the notion that I'm staying with him purely for his 'arm candy' appeal. First of all, I'm not that shallow. Secondly, we rarely go in public together, other than errand runs and shopping. It's not like we're going out or to galas or fundraisers or even parties. Additionally, there is no way in hell his good looks alone could make up for the rest of the package. (What I mean is that if he was really truly awful, his good looks wouldn't save him by any means. I don't put that much value on appearance. That's him. Remember?)

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:20 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 5th (Friday)

The result is that you all get the negative side of things, and, really, * only * the negative side.
A day spent watching movies is a positive that you wrote about. That would be lovely and positive in conjunction with many other things in place also, as a stand alone, that is kind of a very low expectation and not much of a positive. Especially in the face of the disproportionate amount of epic negativity.

Your relationship is very dysfunctional. You like to call it unique. I agree that you seem comfortable in this dynamic, although you say you want help. Then all your rationalizations and justifications kick in. Yes, very co-dependent relationship going on.

Is your WH's hormonal issues being addressed medically? If he has no sex drive, why does he say he wants to fuck "S"? Someone, I feel, is being gaslighted. Have you spoken together with his doctor(s) about his hormonal issues?

To answer your question, yeah, I think you are overreacting, because instead of really focusing on the real issues you are choosing to focus on this particular incident which is nothing but a tempest in a teapot compared to what the real dysfunction, toxicity, abuse and malady of your unique relationship is.

eta: Dr. Phil says that we don't do anything we don't get a payoff from doing so. The payoff doesn't have to be a healthy payoff. Most of the time the payoff is pretty dysfunctional and unhealthy for us, but we are getting a payoff. For instance, some mothers sacrifice in unhealthy ways for their children. They get the payoff by being able to say "I loved my children so much, I gave up my (fill in the blank) for them!" In their minds that makes them the best mother ever. What is your payoff for tolerating your WH's mistreatment of you, mysticpenguin?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:46 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)

he says so many negative things about me. I guess that's at least somewhat normal during a fight?

No, that's not how a "fight" between two people who love each other goes. If you read just about any story you can get your hands on, any study done by psychologists about the main indicator of divorce, and you will find that the way he attacks you during a fight is the number one indicator to divorce.

I have been in R with my H for over 5 years now. Even when I hated him and was deep in the anger phase, I never insulted him and demonized him and made him feel worthless. He probably felt worthless on his own because we were fighting about A related stuff which he owns, but it's not because of my words. We've been married for 15 years next month, and I've never demonized him for anything. I respect him, and he respects me. There are constructive ways to fight, and there are destructive ways to fight, and it sounds like your WH is fully in the destructive arena.

And he is NOT being open with you. Telling you anything and then changing the password on his phone every other day is NOT being open. That's just giving you lip service for the things he wants.

And I would venture to say that he's not the arm candy for you, but you are DEFINITELY the arm candy for him. He has you to show off to whomever he wants (you were in the top 5 in a major bikini contest, right?) so he can get the ego stroke that goes with being your spouse, but then he wants to have sex with anyone BUT you to stroke his ego in other ways. This guy is a bottomless pit and you will never be able to fill his void. He needs to fill that for himself, and letting him have sex with everything that crosses his path will only cause that pit to get deeper and deeper with time. You're giving crack to a crack addict and hoping that they will stop smoking on their own.... it won't happen.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 5th (Friday)


I guess I just wanted to vent here today after we argued. I can't exactly call a friend or his mom and be like, "He said I overreact about S!!" No one knows and I want to keep it that way.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:20 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Why don't you go out in public together very often?

Does he consider you eye candy?

Is he proud of you and strut like a peacock when you are in public?

Does he hold your hand when you are in public? so everyone knows you are his wife

Any way that you look at it,he has had an affair, and he is going to continue to have affairs, because he can

As far as low testostorone, he could go to a doctor and have that checked,there is medicine he could take so that you too could be sexually satisfied by him, not just him sexually satisfying his latest conquest and himself

Sorry but it really sounds like a one sided relationship, your in the relationship and he does what he wants, you cook you clean and he gets to have sex with whomever he wants, and what do you get out of it, once in a while he will hold your hand


Posts: 374 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)

No, that's not how a "fight" between two people who love each other goes. If you read just about any story you can get your hands on, any study done by psychologists about the main indicator of divorce, and you will find that the way he attacks you during a fight is the number one indicator to divorce.

I have been in R with my H for over 5 years now. Even when I hated him and was deep in the anger phase, I never insulted him and demonized him and made him feel worthless. He probably felt worthless on his own because we were fighting about A related stuff which he owns, but it's not because of my words. We've been married for 15 years next month, and I've never demonized him for anything. I respect him, and he respects me. There are constructive ways to fight, and there are destructive ways to fight, and it sounds like your WH is fully in the destructive arena.

That's kind of what I thought. I know I share the blame because I am extremely conflict avoidant (in my personal life).

I will see what I can dig up and see if he can recognize himself. If not I'll point it out for him, but I imagine he will be able to... we had a conversation last week sometime about the major issues in our relationship and I asked, "What do you think you contribute on the negative side?" His attacks during arguments was the first thing out of his mouth. So he's aware this is a problem.

There is improvement even in that, though, because he used to say even worse things to me. It's a progression that I can actually pinpoint and lay out on a timeline. Last summer it was at its worst. There was some actual name-calling and he would just completely shut down and not see reason. In February the name-calling was still there and he would shut down momentarily but just go outside/take a shower/etc for a few minutes to calm down and then come back and be present. Now there is no name-calling and he avoids saying obviously incendiary things (he won't use words that offend me like 'stupid') and he doesn't shut down / tune me out.

I mean when it was really bad he used to give me the silent treatment for days. I still don't know what provoked those silent treatments, and now he doesn't either.

Point being: he has made improvements.


Again we are in a MUTUALLY OPEN RELATIONSHIP :)

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:27 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 5th (Friday)

2x4 coming (and I'm really sorry)

You are dismissing all the advice you are being given.

This is the safest place to vent BUT sweetie, I think your head has to be spinning like a top!!

He doesn't do things to intentionally hurt me I call BS!!!! on this. He DOES TOO do (and say) things intentionally. And he knows it.

You write about your hurts and pains, and I am so sorry you are going thru so much. BUT when we respond you back-peddle as fast as you can.

I am confused as to whether you just need a place for support (which we all need) or if you really want to have objective opinions about changing YOUR life.

He is giving you pittance. Please don't accept that is all you deserve.

Make him accountable. Make him responsible. Don't keep making excuses and justifications for him.

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!!

Sending hugs.

PS: I am sorry if I come across as a bitch, I don't usually give 2x4's. But my heart just breaks for you. If you were my daughter I would do everything I could to help you.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Why don't you go out in public together very often?

We both work from home.. we go to the gym together and grocery shopping / general shopping but that's about it; I'm not much for the bar scene & he doesn't like outdoorsy stuff. We rent movies to save $$ and mostly eat at home (also for $$)

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:21 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 5th (Friday)

@still2 - I mean, I don't think I'm back-peddling. He HAS made changes and improvements & I've laid those out (specifically w/r/t this incident when I posted at 3:37). When I was angry earlier I wasn't talking about improvements or positive changes because, well, there have been positive changes but I think the ability to demonize me / vilify me / see everything I do in a negative way is a really, really scary & negative thing :/

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:22 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I will see what I can dig up and see if he can recognize himself. If not I'll point it out for him, but I imagine he will be able to... we had a conversation last week sometime about the major issues in our relationship and I asked, "What do you think you contribute on the negative side?" His attacks during arguments was the first thing out of his mouth. So he's aware this is a problem.

You spend far too much energy & thought on him. This is wrong. It is dysfunctional. It is co-dependent.

You need to stop devoting your entire being to him. YOU should be the focus of your energy & thoughts. You cannot change another adult. You do not have that right. You are only in charge of yourself. You are your only responsibility. Even in a marriage, you are still only in charge of yourself.

Even if you were to find the perfect words & deliver them in the perfect way to your husband, you would still be enabling him. STOP! Stop focusing on him. Even if he changed, you would still be screwed up.

You need to think about just you. Just you. Think about yourself. It is not selfish to think about yourself. One of the hardest, highest hurdles I've had to overcome in my journey away from FOO issues and codependency is finally accepting that it is not selfish to take care of myself, think about myself, make myself a priority, and to allow other adults (this included my husband) to live their own lives without me trying to help them.

Until you learn to take care of just yourself you will be miserable. I know this because I was once like you.

Before your counseling appointment are you willing to do some reading? Are you willing to read books like Codependent No More and The New Codependent, both by Melody Beattie?

I'm sure you think I'm a huge bitch who doesn't understand you and is making negative judgments about your husband. I may be a bitch, and for sure I'm making judgments about your husband. But I think I understand you very well. I want for you to learn to understand yourself.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 5th (Friday)

companionship, connection, & emotional intimacy

No, what you have is dysfunction and you feed off of that. You grew up in it, so you feel most comfortable when you are stuck in it. You make excuses because you don't really want the situation to change. Change is scary to you, so you'd rather put up with the crap because that feels best.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Many of us pointing out that you are co-dependent were/are recovering co-dependents. It is insidious. I understand how you feel we don't understand, but thats just the thing, mystic, we understand way too well.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Shocked  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I still think something else is going on here.

Are there any gender identity issues here? It really kind of sounds like to me that he is 'pretending' to be a man, but actually prefers a more 'feminine' role.

Could he be gay? Is he Bi? It just seems like he is trying to hide something from you, and is making you out to be the scapegoat for all of his discontent.

Anyone else getting this vibe?

1) willing to 'give up' sex drive for vanity?

2) doesn't enjoy vaginal sex

3) doesn't appear to want any physical interaction with you what so ever.

4) he appears to be 'using' you as a 'cover'

5) keeps changing passwords even after you have given him 'permission' to cheat

My gut tells me, there is more here than meets the eye.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Anyone else getting this vibe?

I definitely think there's something else going on which has yet to be revealed. But I want Mystic to just concentrate on herself right now. She can't do anything about her husband anyway, right?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 5th (Friday)

She can't do anything about her husband anyway, right?
very true nature girl, I just want to open her eyes to all possible scenarios because I simply hate to see her played the fool in this dickhead's fucked up world any longer than necessary.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 5:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Is he having therapy for his BDD and eating disorder? I also have BDD and knew how destructive it was in my relationship so I got help for it- i didn't fuck other people to make myself feel better. Sorry for the 2 x 4 but he should be in therapy and actively working on his issues. I know BDD is horrible and a nightmare but it can get better with therapy.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 5:48 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Anyone else getting this vibe?

Yes. Those same things grabbed my attention also.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7711 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Anyone else getting this vibe?

Without a doubt.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 5th (Friday)

(((mysticpenguin)))))) do you feel better, now that he's affirmed your feelings? Was being told you're not overreacting enough?

The one-sided open relationship is soul-crushing. I had this, unwittingly. The effects linger long after the end of the marriage.

I'm glad you're planning IC. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:43 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I think the one downfall of SI - and don't get me wrong, this is a great & helpful place! - is that unfortunately no one here knows me, or my WH, or our relationship history.

we are in a mutual open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:28 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

NatureGirl, I'm ordering those books. I never considered that I could be codependent

(((HUGS)))

These books are life-changing.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

You are young, I fear that you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt,

My STBX, I would have swore on the lives of our kids that he was 100% straight, when I caught him cheating with a woman, I kicked him out, his co-workers referred to him as a "pansy", I was shocked, STBX had always been negative towards gay people, we reconciled for a brief period of time, he denied any reason as to why these co-workers would say anything like that about him,

Fast forward to now, the things I have learned, and not because I want too, he is what they term on the internet as tri-sexual, men, women, and transvestites. He also lives in a cukhold relationship, but also maintains a girlfriend, who knows nothing about his special living arrangements with his roommates, this is the true him, the him I lived with never really existed, and he is very fragile emotionally

I lived with this man for 21 years, we had a very active sex life, that is what shocked me most when I caught him cheating, was because we had sex daily, if it wasn't him initiating then it was me,

I'm a very open minded person the only thing that I ever asked for was 100% honesty, what killed us was the continued lies and dishonesty, now I see how fake he was, he did a lot of pretending and being what society dictates instead of being the real him

Me and our children is what they call a "beard" , something to hide behind, we were a cover, because from my age bracket, it wasn't acceptable to be so out there sexually as it is today


Posts: 374 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I found out on dday that my husband is bisexual. I have been with him since 1996. We had/have a very passionate sex life..often,adventurous..HOT. NEVER in a million years would I have ever thought he was bisexual. Had I not stumbled upon his secret email account and seen it with my own eyes,I would still not believe it. Hell,Im 3 years out and have an enormous amount of trouble picturing MY husband doing *that.*

He fits none of the stereotypes. I have/had gay friends..never had a clue about my husband. I've asked my friends if they ever picked up on *anything* at all..nope. I am very open minded and outspoken..I believe gay is gay,and that's ok(lol..sorry,gotta amuse myself somehow). However,he chose to hide this side of himself from me. He chose to lie to me.

I always cringe a little when I see any woman saying "No way,my husband would never be with a man,he's 100% straight." I always think..I get it..but did you think he would cheat? No? Then there you go. The man looking for man section in my local craigslist is the most active section..by far..100's of new ads every day..and many,many,many of them are married men. They even take pics of themselves in the bathroom,wife's makeup and hair stuff in full view. It's disgusting.

Anyway..sorry..I know this is a bit of a thread jack..but I had to say something..


Im not saying he is gay or bi..and honestly,I hadn't picked up on that..he sounds to me like a stereotypical muscle-head who is so in love with himself he has no room for anyone else.

You deserve better.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:15 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I think the one downfall of SI - and don't get me wrong, this is a great & helpful place! - is that unfortunately no one here knows me, or my WH, or our relationship history.

True. We know what you tell us and you have revealed enough to know that you/he & the relationship have some pretty serious issues.

You are not alone in this. Many of us come here with individual and marriage issues that are severe. I minimized. So did many others. It didn't help much.

Only you can decide how you deal with your marriage.

I don't think that rationalization is a particularly good method in healing...

Is he perfect? No. Am I? Nope.

Nope Nobody's perfect.
You want to compare your behavior to his and thus let it all wash out. Bullshit. apples to sand crabs. He abuses you. You accept it and defend him. That is a problem.

But we are 200x better than last year, and 100x better than Feb.

It is difficult to quantify change. I came here at 6 months and thought we were fixed. Because he stayed. Because things were better than the shitstorm it was before. That didn't make it good.

It took awhile for me to understand that setting, and defending boundaries were more important that keeping the marriage. I deserved a safe place to heal. Letting go of the control of what I wanted so badly was the most freeing thing I have done in this process.

I am all for baby steps. Change does take time. But I find it concerning that you do not have one of the first steps under your belt at this stage. Transparency.

No transparency. You live with a liar who is not open to building trust by letting you verify anything he does or says. And you are going to 'open' this relationship...

You do not have a basic tenet of open relationships. Honesty. Talk about throwing oil on a flame.

You deserve better. You accept less for 'love'. I think you have to spend some time figuring out why you give that gift to someone who seems uninterested in giving much, let alone 'love' in return. Just because he says it doesn't mean that her performs the action.

You accept less. Why?

I wish you well on your journey. Once you open your eyes to codependence, I think you may view your relationship very differently.

[This message edited by redrock at 11:26 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 48