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User Topic: Question
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Ex-shat is half an hour late for visitation pick up. This is unusual for him...typically he is 10-20 minutes early or will even text to pick Teslet up in the morning.

If this has happened to others have you texted your ex to see what was up? How did you word it? I need to go dig out my parenting guidelines and find out at what point he forfeits his time...


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 5th (Friday)

You could phrase it that you were wondering how many more minutes you should tell Teslet before Daddy arrives.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TrustNoOne
Member
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Not sure about the parenting plan, but professionally - someone has 7 minutes to log-in to a concall or appear in a conference room for a meeting before I say "I'm outta here" and move on to higher priority issues.

I'd be just as unforgiving with an Ex-shat.

My time is valuable. Do not waste it. Even though you don't respect me, I respect me - so fuck you.


Posts: 1327 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Here is what the parenting guidelines say for my state:

Both parents have a duty to communicate any time the exchange is delayed. When no communication is initiated by the delaying parent, and pick up or return of a child does not occur within a reasonable time, the time and conditions of the exchange may be rescheduled at a time and place convenient to the parent not responsible for the delay.

I should also point out that I have a google calendar showing visitation and all other important Teslet events. It sends out an email reminder about an hour before the event is to start. So I know he has an email sitting in his email account (unless he opted out of them for himself).

I have a very strong urge to track him down and find out if he is coming. But that's not my job and he has all the information at his disposal to figure out what the fuck is going on.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I wouldn't contact him. It's his place to call you to say he's either late or not coming. If he doesn't contact you at all and later wants to make up the visitation I wouldn't do it. It's his fault he didn't show up and he hasn't contacted you.

When my XH was 30 minutes or more late, he didn't take the kids and I didn't make up the time unless there was an emergency(that got verified) or someone died.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Do you have plans?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13854 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 5th (Friday)

In my state the leeway time is 15 minutes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Ama - no, just planning on doing online course work and house projects this weekend.

NG - I'm a little disappointed that my states guidelines don't have a more rigid rule in place. But the courts in my area are very big on the coparenting thing.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Didn't Teslet want to spend more time with his visiting aunt this weekend? Could that aunt pick him up for a ride somewhere. If ex-shat shows up, "Gee; we didn't think you were coming. Teslet's gone visiting. See you next time."


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20414 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)

So did he show up or call?


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5573 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Has not called or showed up yet.

Yeah, Teslet did want to do something with his aunt...in the process of contingency plans.

I bet ex-shat got his weekends mixed up.

[This message edited by tesla at 5:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I bet ex-shat got his weekends mixed up.

Because of their recent holiday? Did you post something about him mentioning that he thought the weekends were swapping?

I wouldn't contact him. Time is up.

Actually - *I* have/would contact the sad clown when he is 15 mins late. Our handovers are rarely in person - they are all via DC/school so its not something that comes up often.

If I had a EOW in place I think I would prompt him X instances - like a three strikes and he's out kinda thing. More so that I wouldn't want my girls to be let down nor would I want to have to deal with the drama of him wanting to swap my next weekend to make up for it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5651 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I ended up texting the guy *only* because Teslet asked me to...he wanted to know if dad was coming.

And yep, he got his weekends mixed up Asked to switch. Which actually worked out in my favor because there was something I wanted to do on one of my weekends in August which I wouldn't have if I had Teslet that weekend...

I did tell the fool that I would reflect the change on the google calendar. Think he'll pick up on the hint?

[This message edited by tesla at 7:35 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 5th (Friday)

How is testlet handing the change in plans?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26072 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Think he'll pick up on the hint?

Let me just check my magic 8 Ball.

I hope he apologises to Teslet.

Fuckfeatures.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5651 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 5th (Friday)

nik - he's conflicted. He's happy that he gets to do something special with his aunt and cousin tomorrow. But he likes to stick with a plan...he knew dad was coming, so when I told him dad wasn't coming because he was working he got pretty upset. Not temper tantrum upset. Disappointed and hurt upset.
It's a mark against ex-shat and Teslet will be sensitive to this from now on...I can see it.
I framed my text to him as "Teslet was wondering how much longer you were going to be." I wish that cowardly piece of shit would call his son up and explain to him why daddy wasn't where he was supposed to be...but as always, that is left to me.

FTG.

ETA: ex-shat occupies a fairly loft pedestal in Teslet's mind. That pedestal got worn and chipped away a bit tonight. I hate watching Teslet deal with this shit.

[This message edited by tesla at 8:43 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 5th (Friday)

As much as it probably would have hurt Teslet, I would have told him the truth...daddy got the weekends mixed up and didn't realize it was his weekend...instead of telling him daddy was at work.

When my XH had visitation with the kids he usually screwed around with the holiday visitation. I used to have to prepare the kids(they were still young) that we had to go to the meeting place but daddy probably wouldn't show up. After a while they started expecting him to not show up.

Keep him busy this weekend and maybe it'll take his mind off him not being with his dad.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 5th (Friday)

((((teslet))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26072 | Registered: Aug 2011
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I flat out ask - where are you?

It's not rude, I'm wondering.



Posts: 14411 | Registered: Jun 2008
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 5th (Friday)

his response was that he thought this was my weekend so he signed up for double shifts this weekend. *shrug* deep down that asshole knows he's a piece of shit and won't be able to keep his shit together enough to hack it every other weekend. it's just a question as to how long before the fucker goes off the deep end.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I framed my text to him as "Teslet was wondering how much longer you were going to be." I wish that cowardly piece of shit would call his son up and explain to him why daddy wasn't where he was supposed to be...but as always, that is left to me.

Next time, dial and hand Teslet the phone, so daddy can tell him himself that he's a screw up. I know you want to protect him, but you shouldn't be the one to deliver bad news that is daddy's fault.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5573 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Ah jeez, this poor kid.

I'm putting him to bed and I've got family over, so I've had Teslet sleeping in his play room. But up until just after the time ex-shat left, it was his bedroom. There has also been a lot of changes this last week as I had family over to push forward several home improvement projects (background, when ex-shat left, he left a shit-ton of half-assed projects. The house was seriously fucked up. But I've been steadily changing and improving it...it's very close to being done!)
Anyway, I'm putting Teslet to bed and he says, "Mom, can you stop changing the house?" I ask him why. He says, "I want it to be like the way it was." I ask him how he would like it and he starts describing the house as it was when ex-shat lived here. As far as I know, he has no tangible memory of ex-shat living here with us.
I asked him who he wanted to live in our house. He said just me and him. But then he started crying and pleading for me to put the house back the way it was. God, it just ripped my heart out because I couldn't tell him that I would change it all back. The house was broken before and we have to fix it. I promised him when it was all done being fixed that there would be no more changes to the house.

Someone please tell me this is just because he is tired and disappointed about his dad today. That he's overstimulated from all the family members I've had over this past week. His little brain can't possibly be using this as a metaphor for wanting his dad back with us, can it? Maybe I need to talk to his therapist about this.

[This message edited by tesla at 11:01 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Actually, I think teslet misses you. He was on vacation to Florida, then he came home and there has been a lot of company. He just misses his mom.

He is tired and yes, disappointed. And overstimulated. Tomorrow will be a better day and Sunday, when the two of you can just snuggle, it will be great.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1390 | Registered: May 2006
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

It could be that there's a lot of people around and he just wants it to be you and him. I could be a deeper meaning as in the 'time before' you started fixing the house.

Kids connect dots in different ways to us. They try to work out the world around them and sometimes get it wrong - things changed when the house started changing IYKWIM? I'd maybe ask him to expand on what he means next time.

Believe me I do know how hard it is when they say these things. My 5 year old told me she wished we were together recently. I don't think she wishes we were together, she just wishes she didn't have to have two houses. Both are hard spots for her to be in.

All we can do is let them voice their feelings and reassure them - all the while dealing with our own feelings about these issues.

What a fuckstick, seriously. At least have the decency to give his son an explanation. Can you imagine making this mistake and NOT talking to Teslet about it? I'm concerned that ex-shat's story will differ to yours - thereby further confusing Teslet.

((Tesla and Teslet))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5651 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Do you have time for a super special Mommy-and-Teslet breakfast out this morning?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13854 | Registered: Jul 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thanks for the perspectives confusedgirl and SBB. Between his trip, ex-shat fucking up weekends, and what I've been doing at the house, plus being slightly consumed with online coursework...yeah, he and I just need to get some quality awesome time in.

And I know just what he would love to do


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Sounds like you've got a plan, tesla.

One more thought about the house changing - has he been involved in any of the changes? Is there a way to include him? If he wanted the playroom to be his room again, would that be doable?

Maybe giving him some input and ownership of the changes, no matter how small, would help him?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26072 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

(((teslet)))

Posts: 36382 | Registered: Mar 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

tesla,

I love watching you navigate this whole process. Not that I love the struggle or the hurt, but you are so thoughtful and careful. Somehow your spirit and character always shine.

I hope you have a great time reconnecting.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5904 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

What caregiver said. You're an amazing mom, tesla. Sadly, teslet will eventually learn that his dad is a boob, but he will always know that you're his rock - and a hell of a fun one at that!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Wow, thanks pass and caregiver. I hate watching my kid go through this shit and I just don't have anywhere to turn in real life for this crap. It just sucks.

Today, ex-shat's step-mom stopped by to see Teslet and visit. We don't talk about ex-shat but something was bothering her and she said that ex-shat is telling his dad that I'm poisoning Teslet against ex-shat. Yeah. Classic - straight from the unremorseful cheaters' handbook. But ya know what...didn't even fucking ruffle a feather because I've seen so many of us on here relate similar stories. FTG. The only thing that is poisoning his relationship with his son is his fucked up self.

Anywho...we did some quality simple things today. And I could see the joy and happiness and peace on that child's face.

nik, I think you have a point. He doesn't need to move out of his old room...he can keep using it if he wants...and maybe we need to go looking for some cool boy room stuff. I've been so occupied with just getting the house livable (seriously, you would not believe the shit hole that guy left us in) that I haven't thought about things like that.

[This message edited by tesla at 8:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 31