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User Topic: Found an old love letter yesterday...
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Sad  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 5th (Friday)

and it floored me. If it had been written to OW#4, I would have been sad but not devastated again. After all, she was his "true lurve". But this one was written to OW#3, who was supposed to be a ONS. It professed his love of 2 yrs to her. Apparently, it was very one-sided in that after they had sex several times during his business trip to her city, he said "I love you" but she didn't reciprocate.

The letter was written 6 months after their week of sex - which, by the way, he told me was a drunken one-time "accident". According to the letter it was planned, at least by him. The letter goes into detail about his admiration for her body, her laugh, etc
He talks about how everyday after their week, he woke up thinking he was one more day closer to being with her. It ends with him saying "I Love You, Full Name of OW#3. Get ready to add another name soon!" He wanted to marry her?!

I found the letter in his Google Drive trash. He deleted it last year when he was with OW#4. It hadn't been modified since 2009.

When I asked him about it yesterday, he said that she was crazy and that he doesn't remember writing anything like that to her. He said that he doesn't remember feeling that way about her. He doesn't even remember having sex more than once with her. He's convinced himself that the drunken night version he told me was all it was. He said that when He ended their friendship that he wanted to put the whole thing in a neat little box and put it in the back of the attic, never to be opened again. He sat there and laughed at his own stupidity when I quoted the letter to him.

I asked him why he didn't divorce me then - he didn't have an answer. I asked him why he's with me now - he said that when we were apart that he realized how much he took me for granted, how much he loved me. Said his life was not whole without me. He said that what he understands now is that nothing was/is more important than me. He understands that it took 7 years for him to go thru whatever this was - MLC, rebellion, stupidity, etc. - but he's on the other side and he has his eye on the prize - me. He says that he never wanted/wants to hurt me like that again. That he plans to spend the rest of his life showing me how much he loves me.

So what do I do now? I know that Waywards "forget" a lot of the shameful things they did as a way to cope. But what am I supposed to do when I find out new info on old relationships? I feel like if I don't check on him, he'll revert back. But when I do check, I typically find old stuff that hurts me too. To his defense, I have not found anything new - since before we started dating again in November.

Everytime though, I feel my heart get just a little bit colder towards him. Apparently, I was the only one living a happy life in our marriage all those years. And it hurts me to know that he thought so little of me that he said "I Love You" to 2 different women and wanted to give at least one his name - MY name!

So, how do I move forward? Stuff it away into a neat little box and sit my box beside his in the attic? Suggestions?


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I do think that many Wayward's bury/brain dump as much of the details as possible. Our MC said that forgetting small details should be expected and as time passes even some of the larger details will fade.

I have found that for myself as well. I used to have almost every detail of the A in my brain ready reference area. I knew it all. I just don't anymore.

I do however think that there is a big difference between a one time "accident"(I hate the use of that word by the way) and pursuit/ONS/ further pursuit.

Is it possible to forget... I guess.

My gut would be pinging like hell.

He sat there and laughed at his own stupidity when I quoted the letter to him.

I would show him the letter. Not just quote it to him. Give it time to sink in and then revisit. If you have to think about the letter and wonder then he can spend some time trying to familiarize himself with the crap he put in the box. And then give you his best effort to explain his actions at the time.

I would take each situation as they come. I would want to address any new information.

And it hurts me to know that he thought so little of me that he said "I Love You" to 2 different women and wanted to give at least one his name - MY name!

I totally understand. IMO he sold his affections/words/love very cheaply. That is not on you. That is something that he should spend some time looking at. Why?

I think he has yet to look deeper at it. It is hard, but until you explore it... I would also be concerned that his box sweeping will doom him to repeat the behaviors.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:55 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I do however think that there is a big difference between a one time "accident"(I hate the use of that word by the way) and pursuit/ONS/ further pursuit.

Is it possible to forget... I guess.

My gut would be pinging like hell.

I agree that there is a HUGE difference between a ONS and what actually occurred. I disagree with the notion that it is "possible to forget" the difference between an accidentally-falling-into-a-vagina ONS and the level of involvement the letter reveals.

I don't, for even a minute, believe that was forgotten.

That he laughs about it now is profoundly worrisome.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:47 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8328 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

He is lying. he didn't forget that it was more than a ONS..he didn't forget that he had feelings for her.

He has not convinced himself otherwise..he has chosen to keep this from you..and now that you found the truth..in his own words,no less..he is trying to pretend he forgot.

He lied.

He is still lying.

He's trying to cover his ass and pretend,rather than own his shit and tell you the truth.

You are in R...and he is lying..to protect himself from having to deal with the fallout that comes from lying when you are supposed to be in R.

He is lying.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Just wanted to say I am sorry and it is The Worst feeling to find something like that. Pulling scab off a wound too soon :(

It is made so much worse when their remorse is not equal to our amount of pain- especially when you find out more of the truth than WS was willing to tell you. Ugh. I am so sorry you saw that :(
Say by some remote chance he really did forget (I know...just WHAT IF) that is even worse he is able to just forget when it ripped your world apart. His ridiculous comment is not making it any better.
I feel for you. I really do.
All too well.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Topic Posts: 5