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User Topic: Does a narcissist ever think they are?
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 5th (Friday)

My WH thought it was absurd and believed I am way off in seeing so many narcisitic traits in him. Wondering if the person with the disorder ever "sees" it in themselves.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)

My STBX doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. He's adamant he does not need counseling, that he's a fun & friendly guy who is misunderstood & victimized by his wife.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9522 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Not my STBX, everyone else has issue's except him
ETA he is always the victim

[This message edited by hemademesingle at 6:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Posts: 374 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

It's interesting that you ask this. My IC deals with narcissists quite a bit and my ex is a covert narc. So I asked her, do they know how fucked up they really are?

She told me that when she encounters a narc alone, she will confront him or her with it during a session. Very matter of factly, she will say, "you know you're a narcissistcs, right?". She said they rarely, if ever, fight her on it.

But, if the spouse gets in the room and confronts with the same info, the narc will deny, deny, deny. It's something about the need to snow us and the fact that they know how to do it with us so well. A therapist, at least temporarily, will throw them off their game so they seem to, for a fleeting moment, accept the idea.

At least that's what my IC says.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2763 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Mine knows and admits it, but he was diagnosed by a psychologist and seeing it in black and white after being tested and assessed makes it hard to deny.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Hmm I had been thinking when I am invited to a future session with his IC if I shouldn't share my observations of narcissistic traits. He sure seems to fit nicely from my perspective but I'm no expert and clearly not willing to be introspective about the idea at all.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 5th (Friday)

My x has not been officially diagnosed so its really just my observations during the 'relationship'.

My x will never accept that whatever is wrong in life or the relationship he is currently in is not someone else's fault. There is nothing wrong with him.

If he had to admit there was something wrong with him he would then have to face up to the horrible things he has and is doing, so that will never happen.

For what it is worth his parents help this, they enable and support his narcissism. Hell they gave it to him.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 7:17 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Our MC told him he has narcissistic traits and he apologized to me later for being a narcissist. lol. I don't know if that means he "gets" it but I don't think he realizes how hard it is to change that way of thinking/being. :/


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I think even if a narc could truly accept that they are one it usually makes no difference. It would probably be like accepting something is wrong with you but thinking that you have a special version of it that makes it a good thing!

Narcs can't look inside themselves and that is where they have to look in order to acknowledge and take the actions necessary to change themselves. I'm sure there have been some who have, but there is a reason why even professionals often see them as just about hopeless.

Everything I have read about the disorder says basically to run or suffer (and give tips on how to deal with a lifetime of various forms of abuse). I wanted SOOOO bad to tell my Ex about NPD because it was like it was written about him specifically! How could he not see that he had a problem and was practically following a script written in the books I was reading?!

But if I can't get him to even accept that cheating is STILL wrong even when *HE* does it...there is no hope that my words will do anything but give him something else to accuse ME of!

Sometimes I wonder if he sees me with a penis and facial hair since he projects so much!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Those with npd can change, they just have to want to change.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 5th (Friday)

When my ex bf of three years couldn't get me to fall for his bs, and believe I was at fault, and hurting him, and that he was the innocent victim....he moved on to other women, cheating on me. I eventually broke it off with him. BUT he has been careful enough to never allow them to know mutual friends of ours. This is calculating and leads me to believe a narc knows what they are. It's their selfish nature to deny, at all cost.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Yes. My husband recognized his personality disorder when it disrupted his life sufficiently. He accepted testing and his diagnosis with equanimity.

He still uses IC as a testing ground for new manipulation methods, and he's made next to no progress. He briefly was a bit more deliberate before responding to others harmfully.

The "change" possible does not include feeling empathy or remorse. It involves deliberately choosing different words and actions. If you're married to a real narc, you will never experience the emotional intimacy most desire in a relationship.

My ex "changed" minimally and short-term. Now he just ices people out. Our daughter is his primary victim right now. I am very worried about its effects on her.

If pressed, he'd now use his diagnosis as an excuse.

So, really, it's been kind of handy for him to be diagnosed.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:54 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8559 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 5th (Friday)

But are there different levels of this disorder? I know a person can be a raging NPD but is there a very low end of this spectrum? Hoping so.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I'm a WS who has been diagnosed with "narcissistic tendencies," which means I'm not fully-NPD, but I share a lot of the same traits as those who are. Thankfully, the traits that are different were enough to make me look within myself and do the work necessary to start changing that behavior.

So, to answer the question: yes, there is a spectrum. However, it becomes much harder to treat the higher-intensity it goes, because the person is less-likely to see him- or herself as being faulty.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Fuck no; they are so wrapped up in themselves.

I do remember XH telling me that OW was so much like him, that is why her liked her. Literally, "She's like a female version of me!"

How into yourself can you be?! Fucking yourself?!



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Not my STBX, everyone else has issue's except him
ETA he is always the victim

Exactly that!


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1321 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

This thread made me laugh. My narc was very offended by the suggestion. I guess it would go against their nature to admit and acknowledge.

Like housefulloflove says - they can twist it into a good thing.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

He still uses IC as a testing ground for new manipulation methods, and he's made next to no progress. He briefly was a bit more deliberate before responding to others harmfully.

This

The choice before speaking and acting can be learned, however the N in my life tended to choose to be an ass.

When ex was diagnosed he preened and crowed. Someone had recognized he was SPECIAL.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5773 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My first reponse was think they are what? Condecending? Arrogant? Gods Gift? Whiny little Momma's boys.
My husband will tell you he is abloutely not NPD and yet he was diagnosed as such.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 10:32 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I work with a couple guys that are strong npd's. It seems to me they view it as an "order" not a "disorder". As far as them thinking they are, I have no idea but it has become apparent they don't really give a shit. Its as if they do not value an individual's opinion as much as the group's opinion. Shame on me, but I like to mess with their heads every now and again, but only in in groups. They seem to get a little edgy when they are the butt of a joke and everyone laughs at them. Reminds me of the old saying about being able to dish it out but not take it.

..."She's like a female version of me!" How into yourself can you be?! Fucking yourself?!
Sorry, that was just too funny!


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 20