User Topic: The Hypocrite
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Does anyone else feel that if the roles were reversed, and you were the WS, that you would have been dumped on your a$$ and told to never come back? My WH has said he was sorry for hurting me, lying to me, (but only because I think he felt he was expected to say it) and bla, bla bla....but I have a very funny feeling that if I would have done even one of the horrible things he did to me during the seven year period he cheated on me with multiple women, that he would have packed up my crap and thrown me out without so much as a second thought. Yet, I am expected to forgive and move on. I have asked him how he would have felt and/or reacted if I would have done all of those things to him and our marriage, and I get nothing but a "I don't know" or a "I'm not sure" or an even better "why is this even a question you would ask anymore"!

I just feel that if the roles would have been reversed that I would have been treated horribly, that he wouldn't have even wanted to listen to what I had to say. These set backs in our R are difficult and hard to deal with. I just feel like he would be such a hypocrite in my place.

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I don't have to feel it. My WH flat out said if the roles were reversed he'd have divorced me.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

m334455 - Amazing how it is tolerable for some people but not others, right? If you don't mind me asking: how did you react when you heard that from your WH?

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My WH said "I'd kill you."

Idk if he was joking or not. I suspect not.

He's also explicitly forbidden me from talking to any of his male friends or friending them on Facebook, so there's that. His excuse: "I don't go friending any of their wives, so why should they be chatting with mine?"

God, his logic is twisted. Anyway, there's the answer.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Oh I know my ws would have never moved past or even want R if we were to switch spots. He's talked about women who've cheated and shakes his head in disgust..go figure. Plus his arrogance and pride wouldn't allow forgiveness.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5041 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I'm 99.9% sure that the X would have killed me and the OP if I had had the A. He probably would have killed himself too, so it wouldn't have been a total loss...

(Sorry for the black humor; I'm in that kind of mood... )

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

He told me if I had done it he knows he would have R and could have never left me. Ironic seeing as when I found out about his A he told me he couldn't live with me anymore, took it underground and then ultimately told me he didn't want to work on R "right now" so he could be "free and liberated" ... but he added that he was "sorry that seems like a rejection" and he was anxious/ sorry about the decision. What a guy.

I think in my case he always had a bit of a victim/savior complex and he would have sickly enjoyed knowing he had one up on me. He tolerated a close friendship I had with an ex and threw that in my face after DDay ("I never knew what was really happening there"). It allowed him to maintain a certain emotional seperation, I guess, which fits his PA.

He tried to control it, but you could tell during our extended break up that it killed him that I got to be a victim in the eyes of our friends, family, colleagues. He didn't complain outwardly about that and seemed to own it passively, but I think he spites me for it.

Also, for the record, oddly, when he told me about the A he said he expected me to walk away and never talk to him again. When I offered R he was accepting at first, but not very grateful or enthusiastic. I think his subsequent cruelty and lashing out was his way of *making* me do the thing he truly wanted. He drove me away. So maybe he really would have left me if the shoe was on the other foot.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

After we were divorced, my wxh found out that I was talking to another man. He drove to the town where that man lives with a loaded pistol to confront him.

Thank god he didn't find the mans house. This is while he was still seeing MOW.

I still shake my head at that crazy time in my life.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7653 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My H also told me he would have left me if I did that to him. However, being a BS myself, I understand that what that REALLY means is "I'm not really sure what I would do unless/until it happens to me". Much like it meant in my case as well.

I took it with a grain of salt. I was certain I would divorce my H if he ever cheated, and yet I didn't. When push came to shove, it was a different story. So I believe that our WS's can say whatever they want, but they don't truly know how they will react unless/until it happens to them, just like many of the BS's don't really know until it happens to them.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Nah. I'm pretty sure he would have derived some sort of perverse satisfaction if I'd cheated. First, it would turn him on. Secondly, it would have, as he would likely say, "knocked me off my high horse." For some reason, he had me on a pedestal, and at some point, he convinced himself that I had climbed onto that pedestal by myself, and so he deeply resented me for it.

So if I'd cheated, there would have been satisfaction to be found.

He never really had any emotional connection to me---not in the way a husband should---so he likely would just box it up with all the other garbage in his head, then be uber-magnanimous and ostentatious in his "forgiveness."

But he'd seethe and resent and hate.

Which is what he did, anyway.

Really, what I did or did not do never mattered, and never will.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

MY FWH said in MC that he would divorce me if I had cheated on him. This was a couple of weeks after d-day. I do believe that at the time he said that, that is what he would do.

Now, that he has done a lot more introspection about himself and getting in touch with his real feelings, I feel he may have a different perspective. Not that I am going to test him on this. But, then again, he had mind movies that drove him crazy about me and my previous boyfriends that I had been with before I even knew FWH, so maybe he just wouldn't be able to do it.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My WH is a madhatter. His first wife cheated on him, divorced him for the OM and left him devastated. I met him 10 yrs later, I think the specter of her was mostly gone by then but he always told me how he would have tried to work it out with her, that he never wanted to be a divorcee, that if I ever cheated I could come talk to him and we would work together on our marriage.

My response to this was always the same, " I'd kick you out on your ass." I still feel it's a deal breaker, if I were that same young woman I would have left him in a heartbeat and called up his ex to let her feel "off the hook". Kids change the way I look at it all now. WH definitely deserved being left on his ass, but my kids don't deserve it.

Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

My WH immediately says that he would immediately forgive me (so why can't I forgive him is the underlying).

I ask why and he says because that's how much he luuuuuvs me.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Oh he would have left me and made sure everyone knew what a horrible person I was. :/. Of course he says now it would be different but he knows I would never put him through the hell I've been through. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (well maybe OW but even she got a taste of her own medicine in a way).

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Yes, FWW and I have discussed this. In our case at least I think it is tied to personality, just as the A were. We both had opportunities, but I would think through the consequences and understand the risks, whereas FWW would impulsively go with the feeling. Same if our roles were reversed in infidelity, she would react impulsively and leave through nm out, while I was restrained by reality.

BTW, It really does not make me feel better when FWW thanks me and says she does not think she would be so understanding. I know she means that well, but it causes me to question my behaviors.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Well, I understsnd that some people have double standards, but ultimately it doesnt matter much. It is your choice whether you leave or not. Who cares what he wants? Who care, really, how he would have reacted if you cheated?

My xWw cheated on me. I divorced her. Your WH cheated on you. You can divorce him.

You're still with him because you want to be, not because he wants you to be there. What he would have done if the roles were reversed had no bearing on your situation.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 35110
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I honestly think my WH would have stayed if I'd been the lying cheater instead of him. He's just so lazy about our relationship, he wouldn't have cared that much about it. I don't think he's loved me for years. He blames the PTSD, I blame him for letting the PTSD take over his life without even TRYING to do anything about it. That's why he's lousy at anything related to R. He refuses to try. Which is why we live in limbo. I don't even care anymore if he cheats again. How sick is that?

I'm the BW, 3 DDays since 2010....
6/28/12, the day I finally admitted to myself that nothing I did would ever matter to him, he's just broken. So I'm gonna just let go.....

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I just find it interesting on how WS can tell themselves over and over again that what they are doing/did is/was "different". That it would be unacceptable for someone to treat them that way, but completely disregard their own actions. I realize that I'm choosing to stay and fight for my marriage, but it doesn't mean I still can't feel confusion and hurt when his actions and words keep me off balance. I feel like I am constantly trying to regain my footing, and it can be very draining emotionally.

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Mine said he would've divorced me!! Looking back I wish I could've been so cold to have divorced his ass without a care!! I think I would've been in a better place by now

Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

My WH has told me he would never accept it if I had an A. We would be done. Didn't stop him from wanting to pimp me out on craigslist, so he could get some male action and legitimize it in his sick mind.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

When I asked my H this, his response was.. since I thought you were, I would have been correct. Yeah, his AP (mutual "friend") told him I was having an A. That and telling him she swallowed was how she got his pants down and took it from an EA to a PA.

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Some of the actions of all these WSs just drive me nuts. Why would you put your unknowing S on dating sites/porn sites, etc.? That type of rational thinking is so beyond normal to me.


I know what you are talking about. On Dday, my WH tried to shift blame on to me saying he started his affairs because he thought I was unfaithful to him while I was on deployment in 2002. What a crock of shit!!! So you started screwing around because you "thought" I was sleeping around!?! Why didn't you ask me!?! I would have told you the truth, which was "Hell No!" I was too busy and way to proud of my my military career to risk it all for sex with a colleague! Not too mention the most important part: I loved my H to death and being a product if divorce as a child, i take my vows very seriously, I would never do that and even now, knowing how many times WH has betrayed me, I still have no interest what so ever in a RA!!!! Why would I? That is not who I am. So for these WSs to try and push us faithful Ss into an affair or a situation that makes us seem like we are unfaithful to make themselves feel better is so stupid. Blame shifting just plain pisses me off to the point that I just want to hit WH in the head to knock some freaking sense in to him.

I told him straight out: if you had/have doubts about me, open your mouth and say something. I did when I started suspecting you! You lied to me, of course, until I presented you with proof. He said: well I didn't have any proof that you were except that that a few guys we knew together in the military said that they thought you were screwing around!
I said: Are you kidding me!?! You took the word of idiots that have nothing better to do then spread rumors, then to ask your own wife? And you couldn't find proof of me having an A because I wasn't having an A!!! Damn! Get a grip on reality already! But then again, he could have just been saying that shit just to take the heat off of himself.

The whole thing just makes me sick even to this day, and it's been almost two years since DDay. Smh.

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

In the mindset my WH was in before all of this, I think he would have had a revenge A. He would've gone on a bender and said, "fuck it all!" And then rugswept the hell out of it. His drinking would have gotten worse instead of him getting sober. That makes me shudder.

The fact that I handled this all "better" than he would have is kind of a sore spot. Does he not care enough about me and our family to do the same kind of work I am doing, if the roles were reversed?

But I just remind myself that, as awful as being a BS is, holy shit, being a WS (who is remorseful and working on him/herself) is no piece of cake. I would argue it is worse, at least for me and my personality. I can't imagine living with myself after an A, the self-loathing, the potential loss of family, the humiliation. And that I had caused all of that, not just been on the receiving end.

So, the hypocrisy sucks, but I'm soothed that the roles aren't reversed because I wasn't so low as to do this in the first place.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Having seen myself react differently then I thought I would have I think it is impossible to say how our WS would react if the roles were reversed.

I do know I have a fear of abandonment and that is part of why I reacted the way I did initially...not kicking my wife out.

Since then I have recognized this issue within me and am dealing with it.

I also have a strong sense of loyalty.

I spend most of my time in the General forum now....R just doesn't feel as comfortable as it once did.

My wife has said multiple are you doing what you are can you continue to love me? To handle what you are handling and still be a part of this?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:14 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3678 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

WH has said he thought I was cheating..and that is why he went trolling on craigslist and cheated on me.

I was not cheating.

It was just a *thought* he had..he admits he did NO investigating into this *thought*...admits he had no evidence..just a *thought* he gave himself permission to cheat on me.

He didn't even ASK me if I was being unfaithful. He just jumped feet first into that garbage pit.

So..I know what WH would do if the roles were reversed..he'd fuck anything with legs.

FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7425 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

I think that when people are faced with a true picture of what sh*tty people they are they tend to scramble for any excuse, no matter how idiotic-sounding, to make themselves feel like they aren't actually the lowlives they are.

I'd actually respect them more if they just owned up, answered honestly and tried to make it right. SMH.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

I know my fWH would have told me to leave. Then he would have been "free" to act out on his As without any remorse. It makes me so sad to think about how little he cared about me during those 7 years, the horrible lies he told about me to his Flings. It just crushes me, even now.

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 27