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New Beginnings
User Topic: I sort of ended my new beginning :(
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I'm so confused! I love this man and I like his children.

But I don't love when the 5 of us are together and it feels stressful due to his kids. My only child is easy. His ex and his ex father in law live with his daughters and don't discipline them. They need A LOT of training, but they are young and it's do-able for sure. However, the adults aren't trainable! SO is worn out every night he has them. He wants to change, but it's going to be a long road starting over every time he gets them back.

My son loves to play with his daughters. He's slow to warm up to my SO, but he eventually does and is playful. This is the first man I have dated post separation.

I just feel like something might be missing. I love so much about him, but I can't put my finger on what the problem is.He treats me like gold, I'm attracted to him, I like his family. There are quirks here and there and I fear that one day I will be bothered more by them.

I feel extremely cautious of repeating that "settled" for this scenario. But he has a million good qualities.

I'm sad, I'm hormonal (is that part of the problem???) I feel empty and like I just cut off an arm or something. Dramatic much? But seriously, I was so very happy with him and then 2 extended trips with our blended family and suddenly I have enough doubts about wanting to do this for the rest of my life that I ended it.

He loves me completely. I don't have fears of him being similar to XH in any way. They are 100% opposites of one another.

So what is my problem? Is there really a perfect man out there? No, of course not. I feel like I just let go the closest to perfect I'll see for a very long time.

He was my first love after divorce and that bothers me. But do you seriously have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find "the one?" Everyone seems to think so! I thought I just got lucky.

So why did I tell him I had doubts? What the heck is my gut saying to me?

Thanks to 15 years not being truly in love with my XH, I realize I am not going to settle for "less than"....but not sure what my SO is missing that makes me feel so confused right now.

Thanks for reading. My heart is hurting and I chose that. Makes no sense.

We have a child free weekend planned for this coming weekend. He still expects us to go as he thinks we need to reconnect to each other. I know I would enjoy our time together, but should I go,knowing that I don't think I am going to marry this man? It's only fair to end it if I think that way because he IS looking to be married one day and he thinks that day will come and it will be me.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 9:25 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

(((hugs)))

Don't second guess yourself. You decided what you want. That is ok!! For what it is worth, I understand the his children being a major part of the decision. I personally, think that you are very wise to see the difficulty that lies ahead.

I also hear you say "he thinks" something different from what you have said. Live your truth, not his.

Hang in there.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5870 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

((((iws)))) I'm sorry you're hurting. Your gut is telling you something important, honey. Your concerns about the future are well-founded. It makes sense to step back, at least until you have sorted out those all your conflicted feelings.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thank you both for the hugs. I'm surprised at how upset I've been all day about this.

I guess it made more sense when I was blindsided by infidelity and crying then to end something good for no specific reason and spend my hours crying.

I don't want to hate myself for throwing away a good man. No one is perfect.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

(((I.will.survive)))

I understand that diffuse distress and the hard-to-pin-uneasiness. And I can relate to everything you've posted.

My pshycholgist told me that sometimes, a person can be 80 % fit but the 20 % makes us so uneasy we are entititled to question the whole deal. Finding someone fit for us is not a small endeavor, so it takes courage to look into the 20 % and sort it out.

Perhaps you need more time for yourself to process what is bothering you with this? It will eventually sink in. Sometimes it takes some time before we reach the clarity we need to be in a better place.

Take care.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Topic Posts: 5