SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: its about me
Itsgoingtobeok
Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I was wondering if any of your WS continue to feel you need to work on how you interface with them . We were at our MC and my WW said she feels like she is not number one in my life . She also said this "what are you doing to prove to me you love me" I said I'm here at MC ? My WW still does not get that right now its about me ! I don't feel I'm being selfish just I need to recover from all the A.


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The WS needs to understand that the M issues will be worked on..... after the fallout from the infidelity is dealt with. You can't fix the marriage if it's hemorrhaging from the infidelity still.

I would say that the statement your WW made smacks of blameshifting.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Alexisk17
Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

We are only a few months into R so please take this worth a grain of salt! I went through similar emotions when we first started counselling. I felt like we were focusing too much on what was wrong with our marraige and not enough and not enough on the A and WH's screw up. I got really upset at one point and yelled at our MC and WH.

Our MC pointed out that the BS wants to focus on the A but talking about the events leading up to the A (and their role in the breakdown of the marraige) cause them a lot of pain. On the flip side the WS would prefer to focus on the events leading to A but doesn't want to talk about the A itself due to shame. This was definitely the case with WH and I. Now we are working on what our future will be like, creating a roadmap.

While I will never take responsibility for WH's A I have to accept that we together contributed to a toxic marraige. WH couldn't cope with it and decided to turn to someone else instead of coming to me and expressing his unhappiness.

Just my experience, feel free to disregard if you feel it doesn't apply to your situations.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 3