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User Topic: Did you confront OP or tell their spouse?
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Someone else's thread touched on this topic.
It seems many of us did not get a chance to confront OW (in my case MOW).

Did you contact OP?
Did you contact their spouse if they were married? I have done neither I think Imagining how "blowing her perfect world up" by telling her H sounds better than how it would actually play out.
I would love to freak her out by threatening to tell her husband, but somehow she would be the victim and I would be the "B" so I haven't done it.

Whiich route did you choose?


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I wanted to confront OW but she was too chicken-shit to even answer her phone. She soon left the state and now the country! So I don't think it's an option anymore (not that I would do it if it were at this point.)

She wasn't married. She was a drug-abusing loser and living all alone. He ex-husband cheated and left her for another woman and she developed a drug problem soon after (making her actions even more worthy as she knows what it's like to be a BS). She had nothing, not even custody of her own children due to drugs. Oh and she barely spoke English! The language barrier between her and my ex might be why their "relationship" lasted as long as it did after I kicked him out..it lasted days, maybe even close to a week.

I pitied her more than anything because she got dropped by one cheating asshole (her ex) only to end up messing with another cheating asshole that was about as exciting as having an affair with a dead fish (my ex). Had she not been so pitiful I might have made an attempt to meet her face-to-face when she refused to answer my call and texts.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 5:51 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I did both actually. Well her BH called me first but we kept in touch... more eyes to keep watch.

I confronted OW many times as she wouldn't respect NC and she took up stalking me, started rumors about them, reported me at their work (I don't work there )... on and on.

She really resented the fact that her H and I talked and compared notes. She said "how dare they talk about me/us?".. hmmmmm... karma bitch.. karma...


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I texted MOW, told her I knew, and that either she told her BH or I would.

I thought I was being kind to him by giving her the chance to come clean, but once I found out how she blamed him for her A, and continued to belittle and treat him badly (they were told by MC that she needed to come back on her own because she just bitched about him the whole time and owned nothing) I felt bad. Not that he knew, since I believe he was entitled to the truth, but that I wish I had told him myself. I cared about his feelings and would have been a lot kinder than her.

I never confronted MOW. Thought about it a lot, but for what purpose? If they are lucky she finally found remorse, and I don''t want to hurt her family. If she never got it, then nothing I say will matter to her anyway.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Confronted her, showed up on her doorstep to tell her spouse, or in the 2nd OW's case, called her employer and said there was a family emergency for him to take my call. Called OW 1 mom , brother and employer....
Actions have consequences....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The OW I discovered was single. He left upon confrontation and moved in with her. My thought was - you want him that badly - you can have him!

I never confronted her or felt compelled to. Though I was sorely tempted when I learned he had already cheated on her.

The OWs from way before her were single (those that I know of)and were so far in the past... why bother.

Of the OW during the time we were S but he was professing a desire to R - all but one were single to my knowledge. I searched for any info on that MOW's BH but couldn't find it.

Not long afterward her married status however turned to single -- so maybe he was watching the phone bill and a secret email acct. too.

That said, I have two friends who used to live nearby, who are now LD. We only talk on the phone like twice a year. With each of these friends our last conversation was when I revealed that I knew the A's went all the way back - and that there were many OW -- and that was the last I heard from either one of them (4 years ago).

If I ever knew for sure - I'd likely never speak to them again unless they called to confess. Then I'd tell them exactly how it feels, but otherwise I wouldn't waste my breath.

I don't feel betrayed by the single OW that didn't know me.
And I only would have contacted the MOW's BH so he could know the truth of his M (else I'd feel I was somehow betraying him). If it turns out my own "friends" betrayed me - I'd have a lot to get off my chest!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
freelancer
Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I wrote OW#1 an email on DD. She never responded. I hadn't found SI at that point, and it still bothers me that she never responded. She lives 3000 miles away, so I couldn't just show up at her front door. Had I lived closer, I probably would have. WH isn't the first MM she has fucked with, and I don't think she has ever really seen consequences for her actions. After my WH she convinced one of his co-workers to leave his wife and kids and move cross country to live with her. And buy her fake boobs. And then in May of this year (10 months post-DD) she texted WH "I still love you". Stupid whore.

[This message edited by freelancer at 6:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I did both.

The day before the actual DDay, I called the number that was on the cell phone bill, it was her home phone number, we chatted, she lied her ass off.

The next day, DDay, I sent a very detailed email to her FIL, asking him to relay the contents of the email to her BH and asked that her BH contact me.

Bless her FIL, he read the rather explicit email to his son on the phone during dinner.

According to her BH, she shit.

All in all, her BH and I spent about 10 hours on the phone piecing the whole A together.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5338 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I confronted OW2, don't recommend. what I wish I would have done was heafty bag his crap and given it to her. I got a whole lot of "we never meant for this to happen". It felt like I was the interloper. I did tell her I hope he treats you better than me. I hope she remembered those words.

She told her BH before I was told. But MIL told her BH for me about their continued contact.

Her BH deserves to know


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Upon my original discovery I called the OM and left a voice message for him to call me. He texted me...apologized for his actions, said it got too far too quickly, and that he will back away.

2 weeks later I discovered the affair had just went underground...sigh...this is when he and my wife took the EA to the PA level...but I did not know that the PA had started just that they continued to invest in their relationship....double sigh.

I then confronted him on his front porch...he was visibly nervous and asked me to leave, his two oldest kids (he has 5, these two are teenagers) on the other side of the picture window....9 pm at night. I continued to talk to him. I provided him with copies of the erotic emails, asked him if his wife knew, he said she knew he started jogging with my wife and that is all he was going to tell her, I advised him to tell his wife, he then asked that I leave his property. I did.

That was pretty much within the first 3 weeks of finding out about the affair. 3 months after that I contacted the OM wife. I never told my wife or my counselor that I was going to do it. For the record I did this before any conversations regarding this action took place between myself and my wife or myself and my counselor. It was only later, after I contacted his wife, that this came up as a topic. When this topic came up my counselor was firm on this was NOT an action I should do and it would just cause the other family more pain. So I did my action before this conversation happened...my previous actions went against both my counselors and wifes advice...odd, the one conversation where my MC was very stern about what to do and what not to do...and it is one of the least doubted actions I have taken since starting down this path...have not regretted it yet. My wife has since said she thought it was absolutely the right thing for me to do as well...and my wife does feel genuinely bad for the pain her actions is having on their family.

How I did this?

I developed a game plan...and then followed through on it. I just presented the facts as I knew them to his wife, provided documentation to back up what I just told her, told her that I did NOT think they had sex per my wifes insistence that they had not (yeah, I was dumb)...but that the erotic nature of the documents had me suspect and doubted this statement (part of me was still thinking and acting correctly)...but had no facts to prove they had entered a physical relationship, and then told her that my wife and I were totally clean, were each others first, my wife had not done this painful act before, and if they had sex my wife would not have given him anything. Told her my wife and I are in counseling and are committed to making our marriage work. (this is what I really thought was the truth at that time). I wished her well in her journey ahead...told her where I could be reached if she had the urge...gave her a quick, 3 second hug, and left.

NOTE: Later it was revealed that they did indeed have sex...but, again, I had no proof so I did not state that which I did not know.

I refrained from passing any other judgements or comments. You might notice I use the word TOLD several times...I did not enter this meeting with a conversation in mind. I did not want to engage like that because it would run the risk of derailing my plan.

This was one of the best, no regrets action I have taken since discovery. It lasted all of 15-20 minutes.


Be prepared to see some real grief...healthy or not healthy. He had told his wife...but trickle trothed her and left out lots and lots of details...said they were just running partners, he was trying to get healthy so he didn't have a heart attack and leave his family in a tough spot, that he recognized it was getting into inappropriate territory and he cut it off with my wife. His wife was a mess. She cried, gave me a laundry list of what she was doing wrong that made her husband do what he did, ran herself down hard...and I just let her do it...was not my plan to get any sort of emotional banter going between us...it was hard as I wanted to comfort her...she thanked me for my information...and I left.

I think we know what type of man we are dealing with there. I felt bad for her...have wanted to talk with her since because I saw the pain and part of me wants to comfort. But that would NOT be appropriate and I WOULD regret that.

My advice...if you decide to contact the other BS is to present the facts that you know to be true and nothing more...try to provide cell records, emails...anything that substantiates what you are reporting to them. Then assure them that you are not crazy and feel for the pain THEIR family is experiencing and assure them that you have no desire to add to that pain. Then leave...and be done with it.

Again, this was the right thing to do...but you got to do it with the right reasons and frame of mind...otherwise it will just be revenge and not end well.

For the record, if my wife actually ended her affair when both she and the OM said they would have...I most likely would NOT have contacted her. I found out about the affair within 2 months of it really heating up...and just before it went physical.

I would have left that dog lie...but since I knew it continued past both of their heart felt apologizes, changing the situation, I changed my inputs.knwim?

I don't think their is a right or wrong answer...and, as you can see, I changed my answer as to if I would speak to the OM wife or not. So nothing is permanent.

Long answer...but wanted to give this the time and effort it deserves. Keep in mind BS did NOT damage either of the families involved...our WS did that all on their own...they must decide what is right in their minds with regards to how they handle their mistakes...and lumping all of their issues on their BS is not the right answer.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The OW is rarely worth talking with. Stay away from that crazy.
However, the other bs should always be told. Always. Even months later.

They deserve the same truth that we did.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

No, OW contacted me to throw STBX under the bus when he tried to come home.

My reply to her was for her to go to hell and never contact me again.

Even though I was shaking, I felt really good after it. I did say a few things prior to it -I thanked her for the possibilities of STD's and for sleeping with a married man while his wife and child suffer.

Now, she continues to live with him, knowing I am pregnant and he cheated on her and on me and that he abandoned his family to be with her.

This kind of person, I do not wish contact with, especially after she stole my pictures for her own use and put herself in my place.

Even though I have intense devestation, I also feel like she is a big fool and will have to learn what I did all by herself.

If he could do that to me, why not to her or anyone else who tries to love him?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

...and I did have the Sheriff call me and tell me to leave the OM alone. That if I continued to contact him that I would be arrested for harassment.

Disgusting in this state how talking to the man that is sleeping with your wife can lead to a criminal record...but him sleeping with my wife has no legal penalities at all.

To be fair, I texted him at all hours of the night...kinda like he and my wife did with each other. So, yeah, it wasn't like I was friendly...so I can see the harassment side of it.

I see it so well that I realized what I was risking with regards to possible custody issues with my daughters...so I dropped it. Was good to do anyway...was childish of me to act that way...and I DO regret my actions regarding that.

Thing is...I was a peaceful, non-jealous husband pre-A.

This has awaken a fight instinct within me that I never knew I had.

God be with me.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Ow is D so no one to tell but I did text her. I wish.I.had found SI before DD because I handled it wrong. I didn't know about a nc letter. I basically told her I knew, told her to come.pick his sorry ass up because he wasn't taking my truck. She of course denied. When ws and I decided to give it another shot, I sent her a nc letter via text. Should have been him, I didn't know any better. I was just trying to keep them from talking. I told her.I was letting.him stay and we
were trying to save our M and family so no texts, no phone calls, nc at all. She called me insecure and jealous, said I was over reacting to a friendship. Yea she's a lying bitch.

Also..they had already spoken and had their stories perfectly matched...should have been my first sign, second sign was him defending her and taking blame while she was innocent

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 9:10 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4945 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I talked to her BH on DDay #1. I said "Are you guys having marital problems? No? Well, you are now".

So, my delivery may have been bad, but he was no help to me. Rug sweeping at its best.

On DDay #2, I called Mow's parents. That got results.

I also assaulted Mow the day after the first DDay, but she kept coming back. She was a persistent one, probably because thei lurve was so special.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7575 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thank you for responses.
I hate this for all of us.
Also want to say I type OW out of habit, but unfortunately so many OM out there too : (


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 6th (Saturday)


I find that interesting, Williesmom, that telling her parents got results. Maybe I should have done that in my 2nd M.

In my first M, I told the OW's BH. I went to his work (he was a cop) and told him I needed to talk to him about his wife. He took me to a private office and I showed him proof - a huge bag of letters his wife wrote to my WH.

Long story short, it was the best move I could have made. He told me some things I didn't know, things they had done together. He suggested that if I found out anything else to let him know, and if he found out anything else, he'd let me know. We exchanged phone numbers.

The next week, she resigned from her so-called job at my WH's work. (My WH was a cop in another town, and she went there as a volunteer to play with the guys.) She had to either quit or say goodbye to her M. She was too busy after that trying to save her M to worry about playing with my WH anymore.

IMO - it's always best to tell the BS. They have a right to know, and they may have a physical need to know (if STD's may be involved.)


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Current OM and his wife are separated, though it's informal. She has a boyfriend, so she could care less what her H does.

With the first OM, I sent him a text asking he end contact with my WW. He did. WW States she never told him she was M's so I believe he did not know she was.

I sent the current OM a text acknowledging the challenges in his M. I made him aware of the issues in M marriage and asked he stop communicating with my WW. He thank me for my concern for his M and that was it. He never stopped texting or calling my WW.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Disgusting in this state how talking to the man that is sleeping with your wife can lead to a criminal record...but him sleeping with my wife has no legal penalities at all.

You know that in some states you can sue the AP.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
SeeThingsNow1
Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

researched info online as the other person lived out of country and found from gathered info an address. Sent the other persons husband copies of emails and a note telling what I had found. Now this person had a grown son with same name as her husband lol I dont know which person got the actual mail I sent, I never got any response back. Glad I did it though, made me feel that I had my say in a situation I wasn't invited to play in! Like many others, i found this site after and there are a few things I would have done a bit differently.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Thanks....but Missouri is not one of those states. It appears it is just a civil offense anyway...$2,500 max limit. Even if it were 1 million dollars I don't think that would be worth it...too much grief to prove what? that I am hurting? that what they did was morally wrong and intentionally hurtful to innocent men women and children? Hardly need a court to validate that. Plus, HIS wife could turn around and sue my wife...it is just a negative cycle better left not entered.

I really mentioned it because my aggravation is that his actions would have no affect on his custody of his kids. My actions would have been used to prove that I was somehow unfit to be a Dad...that is the part of this that is maddening with regards to the law.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

I had no desire (and continue to have no desire) to ever talk to OW. She did try to call me a few times and even attempted to email me, which I promptly deleted without reading!

Her BH on the other hand- I am forever thankful to him! I tracked him down and called him a few days after D-Day and while I felt horrible hearing his heart break over the phone, he was very appreciative of the call. I didn't so much care about blowing up OW's world as I did about letting him know the facts!

Anyway, over the next several days, we worked together to piece together the REAL timeline of the affair based on evidence we had and were able to confront our spouses with so much information, there was no way they could TT us anymore. It was the best decision I could have made in the beginning of that mess and I would 100% do it again.


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I wrestle constantly with what to do regarding MOW's husband.
They have 2 school age children and very young twins.

I know FB isn't going to give a 100% accurate story, but his page is public. I found it intending to contact him to tell him, but from his pics he looks like a very active father and doting husband. I cannot know for sure, but it looks like he is as cluless as I was.
He has no reason to think she is anything other than a loving wife.

I am so torn. Especially since many of their messages focused on -I chose my husband, but regret letting you go everyday....blah blah


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I contacted OW#1. I wish that I hadn't. I asked for details. She changed her story so many times that it put doubts in my mind and made things very confusing. Some things she said I could prove were out right lies but still they would creep up and make me second guess everything. She had a husband at the time of the ONS but had since divorced him. Through some investigating I found out that he had some arrests for drinking and assaults so to protect my family and my STBXWH, I didn't contact him.

I also contacted OW#2 via facebook. That was more just to let her know that I knew about her and promptly blocked her. I didn't want to hear anything that she had to say. I had seen enough in the text messages. She has a girlfriend that she is stringing along. She mentioned her a few times in the texts but I don't have a name so I can't contact her.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I wrote to all three OWs. They're all single, so no BS to tell.

Things got heated with the LTA OW. Can't believe I wrote that stuff.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I haven't ruled it out.

I certainly have fantasized about it. Though I realize it's my SAWH's poor choices that put all of us in this situation, I'd love to make her look bad to her boss and co-workers (SAWH and she both think they had everyone fooled).

But is that going to make me feel better long term? Not really. Maybe just momentarily. If that. Nothing is really going to make me feel better at this point.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I told the BH because I thought he had the right to know he had been exposed to STDs. He was INCREDIBLY grateful. MOW had dumped him 2 months earlier.

He had been gaslighted and blamed for the state of their M. Now he felt no compunction to help her out financially.

WH heard from MOW within hours of her BH informing her that she was on her own.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2012
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Interesting Josephine85...it can often create a reason for OP to contact WP. This is why I think I have held off. Plus, I want to have the power of deciding NOT to contact/acknowledge other idiot.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

"You know that in some states you can sue the AP."

This is very difficult to do successfully. I looked into it as I am in a state that has this law on the books. You have to get your spouse to testify that your marriage was intact when the affair started. This was not the case for me. However, I had reason to believe that it was due to other reasons (WH was on antidepressants).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Just before I confronted WH I sent a PM to MOW on Facebook. She never responded and it pisses me off to no end that she hasn't apologized as we were friendly before their A.

I said, "I know everything. You are a disgusting human being. If I decide to tell your husband I will let you know to give you the chance to tell him first with some decency as opposed to the way I had to find out. You have destroyed my family and probably yours too. Hope it was worth it."

As it turns out, it was her husband that read the message first so I killed 2 birds there.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 4:15 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I confronted MOW through my WH's FB then when I discovered that their A was actually PA and that I had been in false R I exposed it to her BS.

I basically expose it to whoever will listen. I'm not shy

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:30 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Interesting Josephine85...it can often create a reason for OP to contact WP. This is why I think I have held off. Plus, I want to have the power of deciding NOT to contact/acknowledge other idiot.

Ooh. Let me clarify. MOW was pissed off at WH and coming unhinged that he did not control me and stop me from "hurting" her BH.

WH knew I told her BH and that he was grateful. It gave him an opportunity to see EXACTLY how she had been playing her BH and why.

The contact reinforced WH's new realization that OW was a MISTAKE.

If you are afraid that one contact from OW is going to take your WH away from you, then your WH is not doing the things necessary to R.

Frankly OW contacted my WH a total of 5 times after she was sent the NC. letter. The first was a response to the NC email telling WH he was an a$$hole and to have a nice life. The second was the contact I mentioned above. The last 3 were drunken pleadings for him.

If the OW want to make contact, they will find a reason.

I think if you are afraid of OW, you have even more reason to tell her BH. Let him control her.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 6:15 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2012
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Did you contact OP?

Yes I did before D-day to just feel her out and then after D-day to let her know where I stood and what she stood to loose physically if she continued to interfere with my life.

Did you contact their spouse if they were married?

I didn't know who he was. I asked a mutual friend to have him call me. He did, we met, compared notes and formulated a plan to blow them out of the water together. They are now divorced and he is engaged.

Whiich route did you choose?


I used all avenues at my disposal including telling anyone who would listen including all her friends and family that she used their homes for having sex with fWH


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3965 | Registered: Aug 2007
DriveMeCrazy
New Member
Member # 39767
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Yes, I confronted her, and she was a nasty b***h and was lying her a$$ off. My husband got to see her for what she is. If I had not seen text messages and heard her vm left to him I might have believed her.

But even knowing the lies, initially I let her get to me.

We had a decent conversation once, but even then she was crying to me about how much she loved him. But she apologized...only to call me several weeks later telling me some crazy ish, blatant lies that I am not sure how she thought I would believe her...

My H told me that she doesn't communicate well and has little education, so when she talks when mad she makes little sense. And that is how she sounded.

Even with the lies and craziness, talking to her did confirm what my H had told me. So it still helped, but not in the way she had hoped.

I only recommend talking with the AP if you already have solid proof, because you never know what you will get.


I am the BS, his LTA lasted almost 5 years. Ended immediately on dday. In reconciliation.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: DriveMeCrazy
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I responded to MOW's desperate email to my WH, wanting him to reconsider the break-up. I stumbled upon it innocently and was shocked but I wrote to her that she could have the lying sack of shit. The two of them then teamed up on me to lie that it was just an EA. When I found out otherwise I called her to tell her that I was calling her BW. In a moment of weakness I let her tell him herself. He emailed me (Jesus forgives stuff) so I followed up with an email to him to include all the details I thought she might have left out.

Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 8th (Monday)

she doesn't communicate well and has little education


this is classic


Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
DriveMeCrazy
New Member
Member # 39767
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

RightTrack...Omg right!!!! He cheated with a girl complete.opposite of me. Granted, she is a pretty one outside, but she was just nasty.

She talked foul, referenced me tasting her lala we'll call it, tried to say my husband went on a 2 week cross country vacation with her (I would have noticed if he was gone for a night, let alone 2 weeks!) When I laughed at that she said he lived with her...um, ok...I am pretty sure I would notice that, too...said she was late stage pregnant, then she had an abortion, he never knew she was pregnant (but said he was living with her? Haha ok) said she broke up with him because he wouldn't leave me (but text messages revealed he had ended it with her, before dday, and she had been quite pissed texting him "you dump me cuz you felt guilty gettinG p*==y" and going on and on about her whole life was him and she wanted him "heart, mind, and body" Those messages were hard to read, but helped me piece together the reality from her fantasy...in the end, I blocked her from contacting me. Her stories were crazy! I could keep going, she is a mess!

So I do believe my H about the uneducated communication lol. It is kinda sad, really. He said it would be like arguing with someone who is mentally handicapped...there was a text he sent a friend commenting how he didn't understand how stupid she was and that she seems like she should live in a cage...but yet he risked our marriage to be in an LTA with that?!?!?


I still look at him sideways for that. But she idolized him, did whatever he wanted her to, while I am educated, independent, and can handle my business. I am a corporate chick, she strips between shifts at Walmart...just very different.

[This message edited by DriveMeCrazy at 12:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


I am the BS, his LTA lasted almost 5 years. Ended immediately on dday. In reconciliation.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: DriveMeCrazy
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I did not confront the OW or tell her H. We had just moved out of state, so the only way the A was going to continue was via texting/Skype/phone. Once I found out, my WH called the OW right away to tell her they'd been caught. She was going to wait until the weekend (four days) to tell her H, and she was really worried that I'd tell him first. Turns out she was so scared that she told her H that night, and he insisted on NC. So that was that. Of course now my WH feels that there was no closure on the relationship, and he's told me it would have been easier for he and I to start working on us if they had ended it on their own (instead of because the OWH made them) or if they'd had a fight or falling out. So I'm dealing with his heartbreak, but at least for me it helps a lot to know I took the high road. I want to be someone my kids can look up to for having values and ethics, and I guess throwing a bomb into someone else's marriage and hurting their four lovely kids by telling the H wasn't in the plan. It would have felt great at the time and believe me I thought about it, but I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 38