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User Topic: wanting my life back
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

BH has told me repeatedly if I want to be able to move back home I have to really make an effort and prove to him that I am trying.

I have been making the effort....calling/texting him to say hi,going over to visit, and inviting him to do different things with us. Today the three of us went to a bday party and we all had a wonderful time. After the party BH and our DD brought me back to my parents house and then went home.

I am so tired of being at my parents house and not being with my family. I want so much to be back at home with my H and DD. Whenever I bring it up with BH he says he doesn't know and then drops the subject. It's so difficult waiting to see what he is going to decide....I am trying not to pressure him but want him make a decision.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Have you gone NC with OM?

Have you quit the job where he is?

Have you sincerely apologized? Laid it on the the line?

It's easy to change the easy stuff. Maybe he needs you to step outside your comfort zone.

But,I thought you had mentioned he was starting to see other women? Because if he is the case, that changes a lot, and nothing you do may persuade him until he drops that.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

What are you doing to make him feel safe? Are you in IC? Are you doing the work to fix yourself to find out Why you cheated?

It takes more than texting hi to fix this


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Yes I have gone NC with OM. I am still working at the same place but our interactions now are strictly professional.
I am in IC and have been searching to find out why I cheated and think I am starting to find out the answers. What do you mean what am I doing to make him feel safe? I'm not sure how to do this, can you give me an example please?

He is not seeing other women....the woman he had at our house for dinner he said was just a friend and nothing more. He realized after the fact that having her over wasn't a good idea.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

So Alyssa, let's talk here for a moment. You are NOT NC.

You still see this man.

Doesn't matter that you aren't flirting with him or fucking him.

BH knows you still see him. He has no idea what your interactions are like. Doesn't matter anyway.

You are not NC.

You want you BH back? Step outside the comfort zone.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

By making him feel safe, I mean what actions are you taking to begin to give him security that you will not cheat again, because simply saying it does not mean anything.

How can he independently verify what you say happens at work is the truth?

Are you fixing yourself for yourself or fixing yourself to get your life back? Because fixing your self for you means you can be a safe partner. Fixing yourself to get your life back may in fact get your M and life back. But what happens when the horror of what you did fades?


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

How do I step outside the comfort zone?

Yes I am still working there but this is something my BH and I have agreed on because if I were to leave this job it would affect our DD.

Isadora,
I am fixing myself to make myself a better person and to ensure an A won't happen again. I don't know what I can do to make myself a safe person for my BH.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I don''t see a stop sign, so BW here.

First off, if my FWH had any interactions at work with an OW, I would not feel safe. At all. At a minimum, I would want to see him arrange his work in such a way that there would be no interactions whatsoever and find a way to prove that to me. Frankly, I would be far more reassured if he showed me his attempts to find another job completely away from the OW. Until that happened, a tracker on his phone, random check-ins whenever I pinged him (with photos of where he was at that moment), and a steady invitation to drop by work at any time to see me or invitations to lunch would be helpful.

How often do you ask him, what can I do for you? How is your day? Are you OK? Do you need or want anything for me? All statements of your willingness and wanting to give him what he needs. Even though you aren''t in the same house, does he have complete transparency from you? Does he have all of your passwords, the ability to see who you are calling/texting, what you do on the computer? Does he have copies of your schedules so he knows where you are when you''re not at work? Are you sharing with him what you''re learning in IC? Have you offered to let him come in and see your IC himself and ask questions if need be? Have you offered to take the children for a day/night so he can specifically do an activity that he enjoys? Do you maybe write about your daily activities, thoughts, hopes, fears, etc., in a journal that you might be able to share with him? Do you apologize to him, very specifically, for things that you have done to hurt him? Multiple times? Have you given him a timeline with every detail on it?

In other words, what have YOU done for him? What can you do for him? If you really want to resume your marriage, you should only have one full-time "job," and that is to provide him with whatever he needs to begin to heal. And if your DDay is the same as your registration date, it is far too early to expect him to be comfortable enough to be in the same house with you, especially if you''re working with the OM. It will take the time it takes for him to regain any confidence or trust back you can''t rush it, but you can certainly take steps to help it.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Thank you Skan for articulating that. My brain is not moving very well tonight.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Only you can decide what is outside your comfort zone.

Honestly, your posts come across as you are just going with the flow. Texting is not the way to win back your BH.
Where's the effort?

How about doing nice things for him....just because?

You really need this job financially? No options? Fine. Start looking for a new job. Hard. Don't be lazy about it. You may think because BH is "ok with it" it's fine. It is not fine, I assure you.

Think of things you think HE would need, and do them.

What is his Love Language?
Be more pro-active. Don't wait on life to happen. Make it happen.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Your husband had no idea what your interactions where with OM before DDay. You still work at the same place, how does he know what your interactions are now? It wanted to stay at the place you worked, even if your husband wanted R, how can he when you're still working with the person you slept with. If it were you in the same position would you stand for it?

Texting and saying hi every once in a while is great, by saying you want your life back seems to me you think you can band aid everything for a quick fix in hopes that you gt things back to what they where. But as you can attest, your husband is having nine of that is he? You're going to have to do a heck of alot more to show him you've really changed.

p.s. You can't keep things strictly professional can you? It's pretending, you can never cut out the tension, sexual or guilt it's there when you're together. What your husband imagines when you're together at work? Who knows, but you're certainly not helping it.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I know I can't just band aid the situation and fix it....I realize it's not that easy.
I am going to IC and trying to become a better person. I am trying to do what I need to get my M back.
Thank you Skan for the ideas. I have not done some of those things yet but will certainly try them. He hasn't asked for any of those things but I will offer them. He doesn't want a timeline so I haven't done one....our talk about the A has been limited cuz I have been waiting for when he wants to talk about it and don't want to pressure him. I think he is still suppressing a lot and hasn't even dealt with all of his feelings yet.

I work at a preschool and our DD is a student there....me leaving would mean taking her out of her school and away from her friends....not to mention her comfort zone. BH and I are both concerned that she has had so many changes, we don't want to make one more. We also don't pay for childcare as I work there, so that financial aspect also plays a huge role. I have asked BH if he wants me to change jobs and he has said no for the sake of our daughter.

It may seem that I am just going with the flow but that is most definitely not the case.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

BH here.

First, I'm glad you're here. It's a great first step. What I've read give me the feeling you are just marking time, going with the flow as Mrs. Panda said, just doing the minimum. Maybe not the case, but it seems that way. Scan did give you excellent advice. Follow it as you said you would. It will help.

I'd also like to advise you to do what I call the triple B strategy. Basically what ever you did for or with OM, do it BIGGER,BADDER and BOLDER for you husband. I got this from a guy who tuned me on to this site. It has helped me tremendously. For example, if you took extra care in your appearance for OM, dress to the nines for your husband. If you helped straighten out OM's work area, come over to the house and give it a good cleaning for your husband. If you are still having sex, try some really sexy underwear you bought just for him. Etc. Do a time line and have it ready for him if he wants it. He my have said no, but things change on the roller coaster. Start looking for another job, right away. I know it's a hassle, but you can't have contact with OM. If OM is married, confess to his wife.


Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 8th (Monday)

BH here.

I'm with the others who say find another job. BH may say he's "OK" with you staying for your DD's sake, so her life is isn't overly effected.

But how effected is she when you're not home? How effected will she be if you D? Daycare costs are a hassle and will mean a change of lifestyle. Most of us deal with that everyday.

It's time to suck it up, put on your big girl panties and make the hard choices.

My fWW isn't doing the hard work. She's just trying to be nicer to me. More loving. Well that hasn't worked for over 6 years. Until she does the hard stuff, I can't move forward.

ETA: Your thread title says to me your head is in the wrong place. You need to accept your old life is over. Start the work towards building a new life.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 12:51 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 611 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I think I remember you stating that you worked at a daycare that your daughter also attends and that the OM is a parent who drops off and picks up his child.

Do you feel safe having another co-worker deal with OM? Why can't OM's wife pick up and drop off the child? At least then you would not have to see him.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 453 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Twitchy,

You are a guest in this forum, and need to posf accordingly.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36497 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 8th (Monday)

BS here. How did you conduct your A? Was it all in-person or did you text, email, chat on-line in addition to meeting up? If so, have you given him complete transparency - gps on your phone, total access to your phone, email, and any Internet accounts? If not, and you used any of these methods, offer him the access. Give him the access. Don't say "do you want" say "I'm trying to gain your trust back and I want to give you access to all of my accounts. Here is an email with all of my accounts and their passwords." Tell him you'd like to put a gps app on your phones so he can see where you are at all times. Then tell him you are so sorry and will spend the rest of your life trying to fix this. Call him every day and say "I'm sorry".

In regards to the job, what about this. What if you looked for another job and got yourself to the point of an offer and then told your husband you have the opportunity to work elsewhere. If you put that option in front of him it would be interesting to see if he still said to keep your job there.

And I agree with the above sentiment that your daughter would rather have you at home than keep friends, especially at such a young age. Plus, people change day care and pre-schools all of the time, she may find her friends leaving in the near future.

Have you read "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair"? These may be helpful for you.

Lastly, every single person on this board desperately wants their old life back and so does your husband. But that life is gone forever. We're all mourning the loss of what was and is now gone, never to return. We're all figuring out how to build a new life, whether it be single or in reconciliation. But no, unfortunately you will never get your old life back - even if you move back home.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Being separated from your DD (and BH) must be awful. ITA with others in saying: aggressively pursue a job at a different daycare "yesterday." No way would my BH agree to R if I were seeing an xAP daily!

Since you and BH agreed to keep your DD in her current daycare, do let him make the final decision, so you don't appear to be circumventing your agreement. But, telling BH that you want to change jobs so you never have to look at the xAP's sorry face ever again, IMO would be a great way to:

really make an effort and prove to him that I am trying


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I do understand what everyone is saying about finding a new job...I know it's something I need to do. I don't see the OM every day....he and his BW alternate dropping off and picking up. And I try to not be in the room when he is there, or if I have to be I make myself busy.

I know I will probably get negative responses to this but will say it anyway.....since D Day I have lost everything.....my home and family, my husband's trust and faith in me, I could go on and on. The OM got off totally free...his BW has no idea of the A or anything, and their life has continued....hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....part of me (and it probably isn't right) feels that I have lost everything because of the OM (and my own choices) why should I have to lose a job I love and a great program for my daughter also? Like I said I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I do. And for now BH has no problem with it...once he does then I will start looking.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I am currently reading NOT JUST FRIENDS and am learning quite a bit.
Thank you for the support


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I know I will probably get negative responses to this but will say it anyway.....since D Day I have lost everything.....my home and family, my husband's trust and faith in me, I could go on and on. The OM got off totally free...

You won't get a negative response from me. What you wrote is/was my story too...I been there, done that. It's bullshit BUT...

...we can't worry about anyone but ourselves. The OP or their family or their life has nothing to do with us and how WE fix our shit going forward. Focusing on what they might have "gotten away with" only takes time and energy away from what we need to do.

I focused on what my AP got away with for a long time. In the end, it didn't change anything in MY life, KWIM? And we don't really know, either---someone might look like they got away with something, but they still have to live with themselves. I'd rather be a known (former) cheater who's working on her shit and fixing her life than a hidden cheater who's a.) living a lie and b.) always looking over their shoulder for the past to come and bite them in the butt. *shrug*

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 7:28 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 8th (Monday)

And what has your husband lost? Gently, what you are describing are called consequences. And as long as your are more focused on what you have lost and how unfair it is that your OM hasn''t lost the same, then you are, IMO, standing in place and not moving forward. Yeah, life is unfair. It''s unfair that OM gets to have his lovely life. Its totally unfair that his poor BW doesn''t know that she''s married to an adulterer. And it''s completely unfair that your BH is as well. I don''t mean to denigrate your pain. I''m really sure that you are suffering. But your pain is your focus and while an occasional self-pity moment is understandable, as long as you stay mired in that mindset, you''re not making progress towards healing. And that''s your goal, right? Your healing and your BHs healing. Please just think about what your goal is.

I''m glad that you''re reading Not Just Friends. Good book.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 8th (Monday)

...we can't worry about anyone but ourselves. The OP or their family or their life has nothing to do with us and how WE fix our shit going forward. Focusing on what they might have "gotten away with" only takes time and energy away from what we need to do.

I focused on what my AP got away with for a long time. In the end, it didn't change anything in MY life, KWIM? And we don't really know, either---someone might look like they got away with something, but they still have to live with themselves.

Needed to hear this, heartbroken.

Gently, what you are describing are called consequences. And as long as your are more focused on what you have lost and how unfair it is that your OM hasn't lost the same, then you are, IMO, standing in place and not moving forward. Yeah, life is unfair.

...But your pain is your focus and while an occasional self-pity moment is understandable, as long as you stay mired in that mindset, you're not making progress towards healing.

And this, Skan.

Thank you both. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 8th (Monday)

The OM got off totally free...his BW has no idea of the A or anything, and their life has continued....hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....part of me (and it probably isn't right) feels that I have lost everything because of the OM (and my own choices) why should I have to lose a job I love and a great program for my daughter also? Like I said I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I do. And for now BH has no problem with it...once he does then I will start looking.

All I hear here is me me me me me. Why should I have to lose look at what he did and he didn't get in trouble. Why should I have to do more if my husband didn't ask for it? Why wait until your H has an issue with it? Focus on you getting better but stop focusing on what consequences the OM did or didn't get. It deflects the weight of your actions.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2641 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 8th (Monday)

All I was trying to do with this post was try to get some support for what I am going through from other people who are going through the same thing as me or who have already gone through it.

Reading some of these responses makes me feel even worse than I did before....I realize how badly I fucked up my life and my family....I realiZe how much I have hurt my husband and how much I don't deserve someone like him. I am aware that I have a lot of issues I need to work on....which is why I am in therapy and trying to work on who I am.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Alyssa if we didn't care we wouldn't respond but we're also not going to handle you with kid gloves. If we see something we think is wrong we will say something about it. I am sorry if you feel this is harsh but the people here truly do want the best for you.

ETA: I made my first post here and got hit so hard with 2x4's that I turned and ran. When I came back I was at my lowest and I still got hit by 2x4's but this time I stayed. It hurts like hell sometimes but if I don't work through it I will never be at a happy state of mind again.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:52 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2641 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Allyssmad,

I get surprised when I read some posts here that sound almost child like. I shouldn't, I'm sure. What I struggle with is the choices made are so huge and life changing I assume that those of us that made them knew how big they were even using the fucked processes we used to make them.

Seems that we'd be able to get that and fight like the adults we were when those were made.

I can tell you one thing for certain. NO ONE would keep me from my child. No one. I sure wouldn't be taking a poll on that one. Don't care how others might feel I "deserve" to lose them.

As your husband, as pissed as I might be at you, if you walked away from your daughter how the fuck could you possibly fight for me or our marriage?

You posted and were given advice on finding out your rights.

If your name is on that house that means you're responsible for it right along with your husband.

Regardless, your child is there and you'd have to literally kill me to keep me away from my daughter. I'd be home co-parenting my child every day. You can be sleeping on the couch or another bedroom but your place is with your daughter.

My ex put me in the ER. I would never keep him away from his sons. He's a good father and can see them whenever he wants.

As far as his dinner with the woman from work...just friends? Riiiigggghhhhtt. We know just how well that works out. He took your daughter to things with other women too, correct?

I understand how disasterous your choices were. I don't understand allowing fucked choices to become the corner stone for further fucked choices.

I know you posted for support because you're hurting. You don't have the luxury of whining right now, though. You are choosing your life with every choice you make every day. You are not a bystander.

If your name is on the mortgage your ass should be sitting in that house getting a job to make those payments if he decides to walk away and raising your daughter. Get her into another preschool like yesterday and continue to do your work on yourself.

Write out the timeline. He can choose if he wants to read it or not. I'm thinking he's not asking for it because he's done but doesn't feel like making the decision to divorce because of what's involved with legally splitting up. I could be wrong. Either way, you have your life. Start living it.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

t/j
hidden cheater who's a.) living a lie and b.) always looking over their shoulder for the past to come and bite them in the butt. *shrug*

Omg .. do I agree with this.. CL is upset/angry since last couple of days. When I went home yesterday, I felt a relief that I knew why he was upset. Before Dday, I always used to worry if he knows something he shouldn’t what a terrible way to live ..


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I am frankly deeply puzzled. I strongly echo uncertainone's comments; nothing would keep me from parenting my daughter in MY home. As a BS myself I understand the pain and anger your BH suffers, but exiling you for an indeterminate amount of time, clearly as a punishment, is just not acceptable.

Tell your BH you are ending this involuntary exile and the rest of the reconciliation will be conducted in a family environment. If he has any problems with that, regrettable as that may be, he has the option of leaving himself.

Come on Alyssam24, gather your courage and go home.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Tell your BH you are ending this involuntary exile and the rest of the reconciliation will be conducted in a family environment. If he has any problems with that, regrettable as that may be, he has the option of leaving himself.

Come on Alyssam24, gather your courage and go home.

^^^This^^^


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36644 | Registered: Sep 2007
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I agree with the last few posts. You need to be at home, even if not sharing the same bed.

It's felt like you're living in limbo for a long time now.

He needs to make his mind up one way or another.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

What I see is a whole lot of limbo. I''m sure that is frustrating, and while I see a lot of things that you can be working on on your own, I bet it doesn''t help keep you motivated when you are wondering whether R will come.

One way to end it is to tell OM''s BW, as gently as possible, about the A. Allow her access to the information she should have about her own life. It is unfair, IMO, to keep it from her. It may make your decision to quit unnecessary, as if it was me, I would be pulling my child from that centre ASAP.

My experience was that as long as FWH was working with (in our case) MOW I could not commit to R. Now, we had a false R thrown in, so I know that complicates things, but even before that I knew that as long as he saw her, even in passing, on a regular basis, I would not even begin to feel safe.

I hope you are able to find a way through this mess.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I agree very much that I need to be home. When he found out about the A he kicked me out and since I was the one who screwed up I left....we rent, and he is the one who has always paid the rent, so I guess I felt like I didn't have the right to stay.

It kills me that I'm not with my dd. Since we have separated he has always had her on Tuesdays, Friday night's,and Saturdays and I have her the rest of the time. But I hate the days I am not with her.

We spent the morning together, the three of us. Once she went down for a nap he and I talked and I asked him once more about moving home and he said he isn't ready. He said his counselor told him not to rush it, but also not to drag it out. He said he doesn't know why he doesn't want me home yet but he just isn't ready....I explained that I know it will be hard but I think it's the only way we can fix things rather than leave them in limbo.

I also asked what else he needs me to do to help him,to which he had no response.

A friend suggested that I set a date to move home by, but I don't know if I should do that cuz I feel like it's giving him an ultimatum which I am certainly in no position to do...and don't want to rush him anyways. Thoughts?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Alyssamd24-it's brave of you to be here-I wish my WS would post here.

My .02- my WS asking "what he could do" to help me-wouldn't be helpful to *me.* One, if he did it-it wouldn't mean crap because I would have told him to do it. Not to mention-he may not know what would make him feel safe. Maybe a MC could help him and you articulate a game plan? What would, and does, mean a lot to me-if he figured it out on his own. Read a book, etc and just did something.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Why doesn't the OM's BW know about the A?


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Sand,
His BW doesn't know because my husband chose not to tell her. If she found out I would lose my job and our daughter would lose her daycare/preschool.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Find another job and tell her on the way out.

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
amaranta1971
New Member
Member # 39874
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Write your resignation letter and be a stay home mom, full time dedicated to your husband and child.
It seems keeping the job is a excuse....you have to sacrifice your job it is a consequence....

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

BW here.

Gently, truly. I am going to bet that your daughter will be far better served in the long run by having her family, rather than a good pre-school program.

There are tons and tons of good preschool programs.

She has only ONE family.

Quit.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3586 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

FWIW When I was in a similar position as your husband, anything she said was ignored. I had the hardest time believing anything she told was true. I did what I could to minimize the conversations, etc.

Her being proactive helped me think more that R was possible.

If there is something you think he may like, just go ahead and do it. Sometimes it may not get the response your are looking for, but it shows a willingness to be a little vulnerable. After time the "effort" not words may help him see how much you want to do this.

I understand the job provides childcare, but if I knew there was a chance each day that my W could see OM, I would not be willing to work on R. Trust is a bigger thing here. What are you doing to help restore that trust ? Your current job alone is destroying any trust that you may be trying to build. Each rationale for keeping the job, even if he is agreeing with you, will come across as insincere. Meaning other things are more important than your M. I am not saying you are insincere, but it seems that your H is interpreting it that way, at least on a subconscious level.

Status quo doesn't seem to be working, he is detaching from you because he doesn't see R as a real possibility. You need to change your approach if you want a chance to get him to respond to you and begin working this out.

Actions are the only things that score you points right now. Words, promises, declarations of love fall on deaf ears and remind him why he can't take those at face value any longer.

I know it can frustrating, but there isn't always a immediate reward for doing these things. If you do them because you want to, a reward shouldn't be necessary.

Best of luck, keep going, don't stop.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2544 | Registered: May 2010
devotedfool68
Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Meaning other things are more important than your M

^^^^^THIS


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jan 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Oops. Wrong thread

[This message edited by uncertainone at 4:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 42