SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: WH wants a seperation. Please Respond Soon
BrokenNPieces
New Member
Member # 39052
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

My WH decided that this is the last step before a divorce. He feels that things have gone too far and he needs time? Im confused and hurt by this and I dont want to separate because I feel that is a step toward a divorce. I want my marriage even after his affair but what can I do. Please advice is needed from both WH and BS

[This message edited by BrokenNPieces at 12:51 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


DD 1/18/2013
Still meeting last DD 4/27/2013
R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: '
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Gently, if he is throwing in the towel there is nothing you can do... I'm sorry.

You can't love him back. It doesn't work. And it is possible he is still in the A from what little I can discover reading your other post. (A profile would really help in giving advice and comfort).

I can tell you this - cheating in the first year of marriage does not bode well...

You deserve better! In that he is moving so quickly to S, I'd say go NC with him immediately - let him live life without you. Sometimes you have to risk your marriage to have any hope of saving it -- and sometimes you simply have no choice. Cut him off cold if he leaves. No chit chat, finances only. He has to be the one to pull you back from the edge. Actions not words!

((BrokenNPieces))

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:03 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

You need to focus on yourself. I know that you don't want a divorce, but you need to get an attorney and protect yourself legally.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13559 | Registered: Jul 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Do you want your marriage even if he continues to have affairs? Cause I think that's what will happen if you beg for him back. You need to kick him to the curb and tell him he's not welcome back until he is fully committed to you and willing to fix himself and the marriage and help you heal. Doesn't sound like he's willing to do that at this point..

You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. You could give him all the best advice in the world, but it won't matter if he doesn't want to hear it..

You can, however, work on yourself and your self esteem.. You deserve better..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

(((Hugs)))

I am sorry you're in such pain. I second Take2.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

((((BrokenNPieces))))

I'm so sorry what you are going through is so painful.

I can tell you that the biggest mistake ever made was tolerating my WH's first affair and forgiving him, accepting his fake "sorry" and rugsweeping it away.

If he "needs time" then give it to him while you file for Divorce. Seriously. Kick him out. He wants S he can have it. Don't offer to Reconcile. Just. Don't. Do. It.

Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Let him go. If he realizes his mistake let him put the effort into winning you back. He can figure it out if he comes to understand how much he has hurt you. Do not try to do his work for him. You cannot love him back or help him come to his senses.

Right now you need to focus on YOU. Interview a couple of lawyers and find out where you stand legally. Assume your M is over. This is in YOUR best interest. Find a counselor to help you with your grief. Look for one who has experience helping people recover from infidelity and navagating the process of ending a relationship. See your IC weekly for at least a month while you watch what your WH does. His actions, after you kick him to the curb, will tell you loud and clear whether you should even consider taking him back after he takes his "he needs time" away "vacation" from your M.

You deserve a honest, trustworthy, faithful partner. Right now, you don't have one, so let him go with a solid push and a door that hits him in the ass.

(((Hugs))) it's hard. But take care of you.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Please take a look at this: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167

You really only have two choices. You can keep throwing yourself at him while he detaches and goes about his life, while yours comes to a stand-still, or you an detach yourself, take care of yourself, and show him what single life really means. No more you to pick up the pieces. No more you to be a fallback position. No more you to be a safety net.

Instead, a you that is moving towards health, independence, and strength. A much more attractive you and a much more complete you, in the end.

With all of the gentleness in the world, you couldn''t love him out of having an affair, you couldn''t love him into NC, and you can''t love him into staying in the marriage. Close down the shop, lock the doors, and walk away. Let him get his ego kibbles elsewhere. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

I wish that I'd divorced my husband who was cheating in our first year of marriage. Instead I tried to love him into loving me back, which didn't work (although it did humiliate me). I tried being the ultimate sex goddess so he'd not think about anyone or anything else, but that didn't work (although it did destroy my sexuality and self-esteem). I begged him to love me. I raged at him to love me.

I wish I'd just divorced him and been done with it. I wish I'd have known that the embarrassment of having to face friends, family & co-workers & admitting my marriage had failed would be far less horrible than the total destruction of my soul & psyche by staying married, buying a house, having children, and THEN having to go through the divorce.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9245 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BrokenNPieces
New Member
Member # 39052
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

He is flipping back and forth everytime i get myself together to leave he wants to wait a couple of days.


DD 1/18/2013
Still meeting last DD 4/27/2013
R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: '
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

You are his puppet and he's pulling your strings.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9245 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Flipping back and forth means nothing. You don't want to be someone's option. He feels guilty sometimes, I'm sure, but don't waste your heart looking for hopeful signs. I absolutely agree with what others have said. My husband cheated in our first year. He was UTTERLY remorseful and committed to our marriage - we had 24 years together but I never got over it and then he cheated again. Yours isn't even remorseful. I know how much this breaks your heart, but divorce is the right thing to do. Your best route is to take as much control over it as YOU can.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, July 8th (Monday)

Separation has different meanings to different people.

Some would use it to get their shit together, some would use it to continue their dysfunctional behavior by making it ok.

Today, if my wife wanted separation, I'd probably file for divorce.

That was not the way I thought in the past.

Today, I feel like you say you are all in, row in the same direction, or just get out of the boat.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
BrokenNPieces
New Member
Member # 39052
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

i dont want to divorce my husband or seperate but i dont want to be his fall back option either i deserve better. I just feel like if this doesnt work i wont be able to let anyone else in my life.


DD 1/18/2013
Still meeting last DD 4/27/2013
R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: '
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

You raised a whole new thing in your latest post. Think about THIS relationship for now.

NC, be kind to yourself, do some things for you.

The issue about letting anyone else into your life is an issue for way further down the road IF you do divorce.

Now let me tell you this. MY EXWH was also a control freak who made me feel like shit on his shoe. He basically made me feel like if I didn't have him, no-one else would want me. I believed it for longer than I wish to admit.

Let me tell you this, if the only thing keeping you together is the fear that you would never meet someone else, then don't let that thought cross your mind again. First of all if you S/D you need time for yourself. But you will find that you are still attractive to others and you will not necessarily be alone.

It took me a few months and some dating to get to this point. It's a long story, I knew I wasn't ready to date but I had plenty of chances (online dating) and it did my confidence the world of good. After having a few coffees and chats with people I knew it was way too early and that was it and I've been off the sites altogether since March. But I feel amazing right now. I feel like I don't need anyone else. Which is where you need to get to. It may be nice in future, but I don't NEED someone. See the difference?

If someone had said this to me a year ago I would have laughed at them.

But for now think of your current situation. Is it worth fighting for? Really?

Be good to yourself. You need to do this, because you are the only one who can take back that control over YOUR life and make your future the one that you need for yourself.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 181 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Often when a WS wants to separation because they "need time", what they really want is freedom to pursue the A without the BS meddling. When they do the push-pull dance with the BS, it is because they want to have the BS around but they also want to be able to pursue their A. They keep the BS just enough engaged to stick around (the pull part of the dance) but far enough away so they can peacefully pursue the A (the push part of the dance). It is exhausting for the BS!! And it is great for the WS because they get to cake eat -- the best of both worlds!

You need to do a hard 180 on him. Refuse to participate in the push-pull dance. If he insists upon separating then separate completely. No more talking and chit-chatting, no more phone calls or texts, no more hugs and kisses, NO more sex! No lunches or dinners together, no hanging out, and NO sex. I can't emphasize that enough (that was the biggest mistake I made)

HTH
(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Often when a WS wants to separation because they "need time", what they really want is freedom to pursue the A without the BS meddling. When they do the push-pull dance with the BS, it is because they want to have the BS around but they also want to be able to pursue their A. They keep the BS just enough engaged to stick around (the pull part of the dance) but far enough away so they can peacefully pursue the A (the push part of the dance). It is exhausting for the BS!! And it is great for the WS because they get to cake eat -- the best of both worlds!

Exactly what happened in my case--twice, as she move back in and then out again. In retrospect I wish I'd told her, If you leave, then there will be no R and we will divorce. Separation in my case was a stairway to hell. I "let" her leave to be the Nice Guy giving her all the "space" she needs. She went right to the OM, as she'd planned to do the whole time.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Good to see you Abbondad!!

I hope your in a better place.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, BrokenNPieces.

He feels that things have gone too far and he needs time?

This is the coward's way of saying "we are done."

Gently, it takes two. You are done.

Lawyer up and protect yourself.

(((BrokenNPieces)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

This is precisely what Mr. Peckerwood did.

I think now that he had finally decided he was choosing OW and another life but he wouldn't tell me that he cheated, so he made fights and problems and then made that announcement.

What he really wanted was a way out, but he couldn't face telling me-the ultimate coward.

I will simply echo the others.

The more you go after him, the more he may run, but it takes cause and effects for this to be seen and understood. No one could tell me this that I would understand until enough backlash came, but I have learned a really huge life lesson and hope you will have an easier time at it.

There isn't anything that can be done if someone decides wholeheartedly to leave a marriage and I'm very sorry.

It is more pain to you to follow him, but is going to take time to detach from him and from being a married person.

I wish you well.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

ditto Nature Girl

Don't be his puppet
There is power in you cutting your own marionette strings.
Sure, your walking legs will take some getting used to it. You will wobble a bit, maybe feel like you are always falling down.

But, I promise soon you will be walking
running
SOON YOU WILL BE DANCING!


Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2012
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Big hugs

((broken))

My ex cheated on me just after our second anniversary. I fought to stay married. He did the whole "we've gone too far" and "wait a little longer" dance - he was continuing his affair. It was horrible.

As you can see, we got divorced about five years later. His cheating was just the beginning of what I discovered.

Only you know your husband and your marriage. All I can tell you is to take care of yourself. Be kind to you. Start going NC.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15239 | Registered: Jun 2006
BrokenNPieces
New Member
Member # 39052
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am still living in the same house with him but dont know how to go no contact with him. Im trying to occupy myself with different projects and consume myself with things for myself but I still have to s look at him. Im looking for a 3 month lease until I can decide what to do if I have to I will get a hotel for a month and then go from there. What do you guys think? What are my options? What did you do?


DD 1/18/2013
Still meeting last DD 4/27/2013
R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: '
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I agree with all the great advice other folks have given you.

It is time to think about yourself, yourself! Time to move forward and plan a life without him, even he comes back....

I had a very similar situation WH wants a divorce after chatting online with a Philippine girl, leaving our 10 yrs marriage, 3 children, twin boys are only 9 months old, I have so many reason to stay but I till filed divorce, nothing we can do but move forward, be strong, life is too short to waste on an Assxxxx! Sorry :-(


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

whatever you do...dont beg him. dont. i have been where you are....that fear when they say they want to leave. omg..it is so scary. i made a mistake though...i was the one trying to get him not to leave...and get his own apartment. and he did anyway...and then i made all these pathetic attempts to get him to come home. and he did....he only had to ask me once and do no work. he even told me that i couldnt have access to his phone...and i went along with it. i was so scared to lose him. fast forward 9 months later, and i learn i am in false r with yet another woman. at that point....i had grown...i had been in ic the whole time...and finally realized my value and my worth. and i kicked him to the curb after he would not meet my requirements to r. yes...even after dday2 and the discovery of false r...i still wanted to r. but it was different. i was willing to let him go. and i did. i put him out...i packed up all his things and put them outside. we separated for 3 months....and during that time, he saw the ow (which didnt seem so great now that he was "single")...he did all the drugs and alcohol he wanted, he partied with his friends...went to bars, and lived with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. he was mr single...and really looked like an idiot. but i went nc...and did a serious 180.

eventually, he did comply with my requirements for r...starting with going to rehab. we are now attempting a honest r. but it is different...i have my bitchboots on now...and i am not settling for any crap. no way. and he knows it too.

see...i guess what i want you to know is that you really, really must be willing to lose him....and i mean ready to see him out the door...and muster enough courage to look him in the eye and tell him fuck off. gosh...i know that is so hard. but you have it in you...he is treating you terribly...and deserves you to tell him that. i am serious.

do not pity him, make excuses for him, feel sorry for him....or accept that he needs some time and space. no way. he is your husband and there is no going back and forth. if he wants to go...let him..in fact help him pack and do not talk to him at all. and if you still want him later...let him come back to you the right way. and if he doesnt, then you didnt want him anyway...and you would be just that much further down the road in healing.

if he wants out...LET HIM GO...you by no means want to keep a bird caged.....let him free.

one last thing...if you beg him, or convince him to stay....it will only be worse...it will. he wont just magically be a great guy. you know why? because he didnt do any of the work needed to help you heal...it was all about him, on his terms. he will feel entitled...and not respect you. it is sad....but that is what happens when you beg him back or beg him to stay.

YOU are the prize....you are the gem and he should be breaking down doors to keep YOU. dont ever forget that....just remember that whenever you feel weak...


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Good to see you Abbondad!!
I hope your in a better place.

Hi, Kiki. Trying to give back to others...:-)

I am in a better place, thank you.

A new sort of pain--divorce process--but so much better than where I was for so long, the hell of Limbo.

Not quite sure where I will end up,, but I know where I've been--and I will never go there again.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 25